I hope my story will encourage you to keep trying to have your baby. It may not happen on your schedule, but the Lord has His perfect timing and His perfect way to bring about His ideal family for you and your husband.
Here is my story:
About three years into our marriage, my husband and I decided that we'd like to start our family. We didn't go gung-ho at first. We simply stopped using any contraceptives, and if we get pregnant - great. We didn't think it would be too difficult, so we didn't put any effort into it.
We got our first ever BFP a few months later after coming home from a Las Vegas vacation. We were happily surprised and very excited. We told both sets of parents right away, and they were beyond thrilled. Both our parents had wanted grandkids from us from Day 1.
Unfortunately, this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage around the 6th week. My husband and I were devastated... but I think it hit me harder. Knowing that I was carrying a life in me for those precious two weeks that I knew I was pregnant was the ultimate high for me. To have my Baby Boo (our name for our little one) taken away so abruptly was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. It was only by God’s grace and my loving husband’s support that I got through that dark period of my life.
One of the hardest parts of the miscarriage was having to tell our parents and siblings that we were no longer expecting. It's one thing to have to go through heartache yourself, but it's quite another to have to break someone else's heart. We collectively were crushed.
My obsession with trying to conceive started right after the miscarriage. I wanted to get pregnant the very next month! But, of course, it didn't happen. I know some girls are lucky that way, but it simply wasn't our timing. My husband and I then went crazy with TTC. We charted, did the deed every chance we could, took loads of supplements, and I devoured the Internet on all things TTC related. All the shows I watched on TV were about pregnancy and babies: One Born Every Minute, 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom, etc. All the YouTube videos I viewed and books I read were about the same things. I didn't give myself a break.
Two of the most difficult days my husband and I faced that year were: 1) our baby's would-be due date, and 2) the one-year anniversary of when we found out we were pregnant. Those two days rocked my world, and I had to ask my husband for a little outing. So he drove me 25 miles to a beach city and we just spent the day there. It felt like a mini vacation, which helped a bit. Unfortunately, no matter where I went, I would see pregnant women, babies and little kids EVERYWHERE. I was going crazy with envy. (Can any of you relate???)
So a year had passed since the miscarriage, and still no BFP. I finally asked my husband if he would consider taking alternative methods like IUI and down the line, if that didn't work, IVF. He said yes, and thankfully, his medical insurance covered almost all of our treatments.
We started the IUI process in April 2014. That first round, I took 50 mg Clomid and 2 mg Estrace. I was a nervous wreck. The whole process was very overwhelming, not only emotionally but logistically, too.
When I got the negative pregnancy result that month via a blood test, I was devastated. My disappointment was almost to the same magnitude as the miscarriage. That negative pregnancy test was my last straw. I finally told myself that I couldn’t do this anymore… to keep obsessing with TTC. I just couldn’t go on living like this where my whole life was consumed with wanting to get pregnant. I FINALLY had reached the end of myself. That was when I told the Lord that it’s okay if I never get pregnant because I’m finally content. I told the Lord that I would still like to be a mother, and most likely that would happen via foster parenting or adoption. I had let go and let God take control.
For my second round of IUI, my nurse practitioner increased the Clomid dose to 100 mg while everything else remained the same. I, however, was changed. This time, instead of worrying over every little TTC-thing, I literally didn’t give any of it a second thought. I had finally surrendered. I focused my attention on everything else BUT trying to get pregnant. And guess what??? My BFP came on that second round!!!!!!!!!