I struggled with infertility for almost 9 years before finally getting pregnant -- AFTER starting the adoption process. Yes, I'm one of the very few fortunate ones who that really DOES happen to sometimes. I never, EVER believed it when people told me that NOW I would get pregnant because I was adopting. It didn't make me angry... I just figured they didn't know what they were talking about. [Only a very small percentage get pregnant after adopting.] After all.. I was 38 years old and 2 laparoscopies, Lupron and Clomid never helped me, so why would adoption help me? Boy, what a shocker when I finally tested positive!! I'm still in disbelief sometimes... I just shake my head in wonder.
How do I feel now about infertility after having the chance to be pregnant and give birth to an awesome child? I still don't know why God made me wait so long. I still remember the agony, anger and utter hopelessness that I felt at times. I still remember how awkward I felt in social situations. Never feeling like I QUITE related to women my age because they already had kids, or not relating well to singles because they weren't married. I had friends, but I never felt like I "fit in" anywhere. I didn't know why I had to be "cursed" while other women could give birth over and over, even when they weren't good parents!!! How INFURIATING!!!
I remember pouring my heart out to God one day. I sat at the piano, cried and sang, "Only You can fill my deepest longing. Only You can breath in me new life. Only You can fill my heart with laughter. Only You can answer my heart's cry." It was a time of surrender. I still felt pain but I purposed in my heart not to be bitter and fatalistic anymore.
Maybe a year later, we decided to pursue adoption. I totally dropped TTC and felt such a peace and excitement -- knowing I was finally going to be a mother. The process was exhilarating, aggravating, tiring, but completely fulfilling!
And then the unthinkable happened... a year after starting the adoption process and just 2 days after submitting our final paperwork to Beijing, I found out I was pregnant! My emotions ran the gamut: excited, worried, MAD, incredulous, doubtful, anxious, etc. All in the first day I found out!!
Well, I decided to continue with the adoption (even though it COULD have been cancelled if they knew I was pregnant). I knew it was going to be hard -- and it IS! But I feel so blessed! I have 2 wonderful boys!!
I still don't have all the answers, but I CAN say that I appreciate my boys SO MUCH! And I am so HUMBLED that God allowed me this privilege. To be honest, I STILL wish it would have happened much earlier when I could have been a younger mom, but I'm going to take what was handed to me with gratefulness. I'm in awe of God's mercy and kindness to me. But that mercy and kindness are not always shown in the same way. I wish that every woman could get pregnant like I did, but I also know that it doesn't always work out that way. I certainly didn't expect it for myself. But I do know that every woman can come to a point of surrender and find peace. I did.
I guess I wrote this to give some of you hope.