It's has been such a long and painful journey, physically but mostly emotionally. I am sure many of you can relate. For those of you in a boat like mine, I hope you find pregnancy or at least a little peace of mind.
I am 43, my partner 43. I was diagnosed with infertility at age 22. It was quite a blow even though at the time I wasn't at all ready to begin a family. After a laparoscopy exam to determin why my monthly cramps were so terrible at age 22, the doctor informed me that my Fallopian tubes were completely blocked. A dye test was used to make this diagnosis. The doctor believed that I must have had pelvic inflammatory disease and been unaware. The same doctor suggested a major abdominal surgery to attempt to remove the scarring on my tubes only to get a post operation incision infection that needed to be swabbed and packed daily. A year later after having a large ovarian cyst removed in emergency by a different doctor, through a laparoscopy, I was told that my body had healed too well from the first surgery, my tubes were blocked again. I was also diagnosed with thyroid disease and at age 19 had an appendectomy.
The doctor that removed the cyst offered to try the major surgery to remove the tubal scarring again because he thought he would have better luck. I agreed. A year later I was told the scarring had returned. I was told that IVF would be the only way I would get pregnant. By this time, I was married. My husband wanted nothing to do with interventions that would help me conceive if it wasn't going to happen naturally then he didn't believe it was meant to be. His feelings did not curb my maternal instinct. For ten years we remained married and for ten years, as a teacher, I loved caring for other people's children always going home and feeling empty. After many marital disappointments and much heartbreak, I left my husband. I stopped dreaming of ever becoming pregnant.
I remained single for 4 years with only pipe dreams of ever being a mom. I got a message on Facebook from a friend I went to elementary school and high school with who now lived in another county! We became friends and dated, fell in love and are now engaged. We realized early on that we both wanted to be parents together. We had concerns about our age and couldn't marry because of our citizenship statuses.
We began two years ago with our first fertiltiy appointments and a tubalectomy was recommended to help with our IVF success. Yet another surgery! I had major reservations about this surgery, even though it would be less major than other surgeries I had had. There was something about mutilating my body for a chance at pregnancy which was a new level of maternal desperation I hated to admit to. It wasn't like the other auguries. I felt like a pivotal part of what makes every woman a woman was to be torn from me. I tried to focus on the long term goal.
A year after our first fertiltiy appointment I was finally ready for my first cycle of IVF! After the first couple of weeks of monitoring my mother died from ALS. My body stopped responding to the drugs, I did not produce eggs and on the day of her funeral I was told to give up this cycle. Inexplicable loss.
Two months later we were trying again. Five eggs were retrieved and fertilized. After day two only two eggs remained and they were struggling. On day three they both died. These two cycles cost over $15,000 in medications and treatment expenses.
We were told that my eggs were of poor quality and that although there may be good eggs in my ovaries the chances of my releasing those ones were slim to none. The doctor recommended egg donation. More devastation and loss.
We decided on a clinic that guarenteed a baby for a hefty financial investment. We chose an egg donor. We waited for our cycles to be in sync. Our donor produced 11 healthy eggs, three of which were good for transfer and freezing, on day five. We decided on a two egg transfer and to freeze one egg.
Throughout the two week waiting period I had lots of cramping, blue discharge from Estrace, and some groin pain early on. During this whole procedure I changed my diet, had accupuncture, gave up all harsh chemicals in my house and cleaned with vinegar and water! I tried to take it easy and not be stressed. I was sure it was going to work! I was picking out maternity clothes and the list of names was growing and ever changing. We told our closest family and best friends. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative but I tried to remain positive. The pregnancy did not take. We were both upset. I took this news very badly. I cried pretty hysterically for two days. I didn't want to talk to friends or family. My fiancé and I could only be together on face time.