I had an extremley busy January at work, so the past cycle has flown by without too much thought about us TTC, which was a bit of a relief. This is our 4th month TTC #1, and I know that is not a long time compared to what some people go through, but it does feel like it's been quite the journey of emotions. My cycles vary in length and have not really been steady since coming off BC in July. The past 3 were 35 days, 33 days and then 39 days. Today I am on CD 38 and feeling completely distracted by whether I am pregnant or not!
At the beginning of each cycle I promise myself I will not stress over it or over analyze anything because it only makes it that much harder if AF shows at the end. However, in the days awaiting AF, I am completely absorbed in wondering if I actually concieved that month or not and always end up convincing myself that I'm pregnant!
Last month was the worst, and is partly why I tried not to think too deep into things this time around. I had spotting about a week or so after ovulation and a day of intense cramps and i thought for sure it was implantation bleeding, and that was the first "real" sign of early pregnancy I had seen yet, so i was practically convinced. Then my cycle lasted longer than the previous two, going to 39 days, leading me to be confused by all the BFNS.
This cycle, nothing really out of the ordinary to report, but a few noteworthy points. I've been feeling bloated and gassy for the past week and a half, which could be from anything. I have also had the worst heartburn I've ever experienced this cycle. I frequently get mild heartburn, but this was so bad that it kept me up all night and lasted through the next day! This happened on CD27/28. My skin lately has been breaking out and very oily, and I am getting acne on my upper arms/shoulders, which is something that hasn't happened to me since I was starting puberty! My bbs are also feeling a bit heavier and fuller, however I am not experiencing any nipple soreness. I have been feeling some slight cramping on and off the past two or three nights. And one weird thing that stood out to me that could be completely unrelated was last night CD37, I was having a terrible cramp in the bottom of my left foot! I couldn't get it to loosen up or go away, my DH even tried to massage it out for me. Also noteworthy is that my CM seems to be barely noticeable. Usually it is very prominent around ovulation and then again before my period, however, this time I am barely feeling or noticing anything, which i thought might be weird.
If I don't get AF tomorrow morning, I plan to test on Saturday morning. My AF always comes first thing in the morning when I first go to the bathroom, never randomly during the day, so if it doens't happen right away, i know I'm at least good for another day. I have not yet tested because i absolutely dread facing another negative, it breaks me down a bit more each time. If i'm feeling positive, I may do it tomorrow morning (valentines day) to see if we might have a nice surprise, but if no AF tomorrow morning, I will defiinitely test Saturday.
This is just an emotional roller coatser. I want it so bad that it totally consumes my mind! I went to a baby shower for my sisters best friend over the weekend and it was actually very difficult. I was overwhelmed with joy for her but also so jealous, i felt horrible for feeling that way! there were also about 4 other pregnant women in the room, which just made me feel like something was wrong with me :( not to mention the fact that my husband and I are young and have now been married for almost 2 years, people don't stop asking about it!
Here's to hoping for no AF and a BFN this valentines day :)