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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

The embryos have landed!

Two little high quality beauties were transferred this morning! I got to watch the little blip on the screen and then pretty much immediately begged to go pee, lol. I hope after surviving the ice age they'll decide my uterus is the perfect new warm cozy home. ♡ We're traveling home today where I plan to keep my feet warm, eat avocados, and slice up a pineapple for good measure. 

This whole experience has been pretty surreal in a sense. We've received so much support and love! As one of our close friends told us, "If science can make my hair grow back then surely it can help you have a kid." :'D

I would not call this a ten-day wait so much as a 10-day exercise in patience and faith. The doc gave us a 70% chance of pregnancy per the statistics, but I don't need statistics to know that God truly works miracles, just like when He gave us three eggs and three embryos.

Sorry I'm being so sappy. Blame the drugs, lol. Speaking of drugs, those PIO injections are a BEAST!!! Like wtf??? I've got dh doing them so far and I think we're getting better at them because that first day I was in complete agony. I travel some for work though so I'm planning to work myself up to doing them solo if needed. We've so far been sticking with the same side, then I think we'll switch every 3 days. I just can't imagine having both sides feel that sore at once, I'd be bed ridden. But I'm taking it all in stride. :) Never thought I'd be grateful for painful shots but here I am! There's beauty even in the storm, I think I've learned.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Thank you all so so much for the prayers, thoughts, and all the sweet comments you've left me. I feel so humbled by it all and can only say that I'm overflowing with gratitude.

Faith, trust, and baby dust!!!

1 Week!

It's one week until my lining check! And one week until my last lupron injection! It felt so far away for so long but now it's feeling more real. :) Like, it's close enough now I can even look up a weather report if I want, lol.

If all looks good at my scan they'll confirm my FET date and switch me over to progesterone, which I'll take for 3 days prior to the FET since our embies are 3 days old. My lining on its own always looks "beautiful", so depending on estrogen supplementation to build it instead makes me a little nervous, but I've done a pretty good job staying level about it (and staying off Google). I'm usually very much of the mindset "if it ain't broke, leave it the hell alone bc you might break it" lol, but I am trying to trust my body is working with the medication properly. Lots of prayer, meditation, and visualization.

For those of you who have done ivf before: did you test before your beta? I know I'm not there yet but I keep feeling very conflicted about it. I don't want to test too early and put myself in emotional distress for no reason, but I also don't want to fall apart if the beta is negative. So tricky. :/

Gimme All the Hormones

I'm nearing the end of what I hope to be my last AF for a long while! I start estrogen supplementation today, and I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. For the past few days the lupron has had me feeling like an anti-depressant commercial, so I'm definitely ready to have some of my hormones back! Things are looking up, though. I worked out the difficulties between me and my bff (who has decided to embrace her pregnancy), and I also am feeling a LOT better about some crazy family drama that I'm sure was sparked by that super blue blood moon last week. We're also heading into the Easter season next week, which is one of my favorite times of year spiritually. I definitely need to stay spiritually strong right now. 

Not a lot else to report. My only side effects from the lupron were hot flashes (omg so much worse than I used to imagine they'd be before I ever got one lol), night sweats, and the mild depression I mentioned, but none of that was very noticeable until about a week into the injections and it really hasn't been bad. I don't remember what kind of side effects I got from estrogen supplementation last time I took it (my iuis feel like they were a million years ago), but I'm pretty optimistic! Trying to keep my body moving everyday with my usual workouts, even if I feel crummy and need to go lighter or modify. This is a great exercise in body awareness! Recognizing what you need and being kind to yourself. And with all the hormones you never know what your body will even *look* like from one day to the next -- big boobs, regular boobs, flat belly, bloated belly, clear skin, acne -- and honestly I think it has really made me love my body that much more and learn to let go of some unrealistic body image notions and just know I'm beautiful and worthwhile everyday. Or maybe that's just a maturity that you get when you turn 30, who knows, lol. ;P

Anyway, that's my ivf journey right now! Faith, trust, and baby dust. ☆

Some thoughts & feelings

I'm really struggling this morning, so here is my complete mess of thoughts and feelings without any organization whatsoever. 

It's hard not to get angry. Not at people, but at my situation, which can be triggered by people. It's hard to have a complete schedule of shots and pills and patches, much harder when you've got someone who reminds you multiple times a day that most people will never experience or understand that struggle. People do not understand. But it's such a catch 22 really, because often I don't want to share this very sensitive information but then I expect people to understand. And even when I do share people still don't understand. They say things like, "It'll happen!" Ultimate side eye. The road to my own personal hell is paved with the good intentions of other people. 

I'm going to have to be straight up about not being comfortable being exploited for all my knowledge about pregnancy. The people who know my situation know I have a very complete understanding of the entirety of human reproduction, but that doesn't mean I can handle daily questions about "Can I do this/eat this/etc now that I'm pregnant?" It's not that I don't want to be helpful, it's just too much for me, and eventually I'm just going to have to be honest about that. I don't know all of this stuff for my own curiosity. It's knowledge I've gained across many very difficult years. 

I took a walk. I took some breaths. I want to cry. I am only human. This is hard. Or am I just making it hard? I thank God every single day to even have the opportunity to try. Is it enough? Will it be enough?

After everything, will any of it be enough? 

I don't know.

Infertility Cuts Deep

Okay. I can't believe I'm even writing this post, but I need to sort through some feelings I'm struggling with so here it goes. 

My best friend is pregnant. It was unexpected. She called me crying her eyes out. My heart just broke for her, and I supported her as best I could. It wasn't about me or my situation at all. This was my friend and she needed me, nothing else mattered.

However, as the days go on and I try to help her through the stages of how she's going to proceed, the more emotions I have about my own situation. Generally I've been in a very good place and am comfortable that we're trying everything we can but what will happen will happen. This has sent me into a few days of "what if, what if", and I hate it because it's so selfish. Her situation has zero to do with me. But we're very close and see each other daily, so I find myself wondering... What if she decides to terminate but I'm successful with our FET and she has to see my pregnancy progress and it's painful for her to think of what could have been, even if it turns out it wasn't the right situation for her at the time? Or in contrast, what if she remains pregnant and I am not successful, and it becomes painful for me to see her only a month ahead of where I would have been? Or what if she remains pregnant and I'm also successful? Will she resent that I have a support system and a husband when she's on her own? Will I be seen as a copycat pregnancy for those who don't know my background? 

At the end of the day, none of these things matter. I pray she is able to do what's best for her and feel confident in her decision, and I know that she wants the best for me as well. We're very open in talking about everything, but we're only human: it's easily possible to be happy for someone but weep for yourself. Does any of this make sense? I feel like the worst friend in the world for these feelings. But they are just that -- feelings. It's all about how you choose to handle them. So for now I'm trying to process them in healthy ways: writing them here, praying, meditating, and yes maybe there's a good cry in my future.

If you have insight I'd love to hear it. If you think I'm a bad person please keep it to yourself -- trust me, I already feel like crap for even writing this down.

Anyway. The world certainly doesn't revolve around me and life goes on. I just want to be a good friend and not fall into depression at the same time. Just pray for us all.

26 Dayyyys!

The FET countdown is underway! I'm a few days into my Lupron injections like a total champ. I finish up bcp tomorrow, and after AF (hopefully the last for many months) I add in my estrogen supplementation. 

I'm really glad that we decided on the clomid stim protocol that has to be done with FET, bc I am way less stressed than I was during stims/retrieval. It's just so nice to know that we already have embryos, so that's half the battle behind us, and I'm experienced with the SQ injections this time around too which takes some pressure off. We'll see how I'm feeling once we get to the PIO IM ones, lol, but for now I'm pretty excited and minimally stressed. Really now I just have to keep my wits about me and not fall down the "what if" wormhole. You can't know until you know! No sense getting so worked up over infinite scenarios when only one will come to pass.

Thanks to all of you who are still, after all these years, supporting me in this journey. I really truly hope to be able to share good news soon. 

Faith, trust, & baby dust.

Fun with hormones

I know it's just bcp, but the specific hormones in the one my clinic uses prior to FET cycles is something I would never take for actual birth control lol. I'm three weeks into breakouts, my boobs literally getting bigger (and sorer) by the day, and spicy / salty food cravings. But I'm taking it all in stride and excited to be getting closer! 

It's kind of funny, but I'm actually feeling what some may refer to as "baby fever" for the first time in years. I'll find myself looking at baby shower stuff and thinking about birth plans and considering how we'll shift things to accommodate a baby in our lives. Back when we were first ttc, I thought about stuff like that all the time and had all these plans, but at some point I just stopped. So it's nice to get a little bit of that feeling back. Hope, I think that's what they call it? Lol.

Anyway, just checking in. Getting excited to be reunited with our embryos!

2018 or bust!

Gearing up for our FET in February. Just started bcp and hopefully my 2nd to last AF for a long while. Trying to get all my ducks in a row over these medications has been a little frustrating! I'm working against a national shortage of progesterone, but I found a pharmacy that has an approved synthetic I'm going to order, because most other places are just like "yeah not sure what you're going to do". How are doctors handling this, I wonder? I mean, it's kind of necessary... Anyway, hopefully I can procure the alternative this week. And I'm fighting it out with Walgreens over the Lupron with GoodRx coupon, which will save like $400. I'm really appreciative of all the tips you experienced FETers have given me. It is helping, slowly but surely! 

I hope 2018 holds good things for all of you. I've been hoping "next year" was my year for too many to count, and I'm hopeful this time is the last. Wishing you all things merry and bright. ♡

FET Protocol

Okay. I feel really dumb, but I was floored by my FET protocol. I think I legit thought that I would trigger to let my hormones do their thing and then they would do the transfer like iui. *sad, embarrassed face*

It's one cycle of bcp, roughly 25 days of lupron injections, estrace pills and vivelle patches, and then progesterone injections before the transfer, with all but the lupron continuing until 10 weeks of pregnancy. It is... overwhelming. I know I should be super excited but this is so daunting. Somebody tell me it's not that bad...?

I am currently very bitter about people who can get pregnant naturally.

Sigh. Anyway. That is all. >_<

Things infertility has taught me

1) Most everyone you know has only a vague concept of how fertility works, fueled by myths and the basically nonexistent sex ed in schools. 

We've all experienced this. Once you're past that learning curve of LH spikes, motility and morphology, and luteal phases, you have crossed into another realm of understanding. I know nurses who don't know this shit. And once you're here in this new realm, you realize you have no one to talk to. Even that friend or relative you talk to sometimes who is really supportive doesn't quite grasp it, and you feel like you're in a state of constant explaining anytime you bring it up to even the most well-intentioned people. 

2) Most people have no clue how ivf works.

I get it, it's a lot. And I blame item number 1 for a lot of the difficulty explaining it to people. I opened up to quite a few people about ivf, and even as I would update them, it turned into a big source of frustration for me because it's like I was constantly explaining and reexplaining. Even when we told people we have embryos, we were met with plenty of "so when does (husband) have to do his part" or "so what does that mean" *facepalm*. I'm saying all this to say, ivf gets LONELY, even when you open up to people. Because in my experience the majority of people just describe ivf as "expensive" and "exciting". They don't understand all the appointments, the meds, the waiting, the stages. And that gets kind of frustrating, when you're jacked up on hormones and are explaining to someone what a follicle is for the third time. A lot of fertility-privileged people truly see ivf as "easy", and that is a hard perception to struggle alongside. When I'm drowning in hormones and all anyone can say is "how exciting" it is that we're doing ivf, I kind of want to punch them.

3. You'll get over it.

You'll learn patience. You'll learn humility. You'll learn to reach out to people when things get hard, not because they know what it's like to struggle with infertility but because they know what it's like to be human. And when all else fails, you'll find an online community where you can vent to your heart's content about injections and follicles and FETs. You will be okay.