Nope. Not my bfp. Depression.
For years I've posted my highs and lows here, and I'm sure in many ways that has kept me level through all the stages of this journey. Then when it all got to be too much, I added meditation and mindfulness and dove headfirst into reviving and deepening my longtime yoga practice. All of these things have helped. But lately I'm struggling to keep my head above water despite my best efforts, and I'm finally caving and researching infertility counselors in my area (which I really feel like RE clinics should keep on site, but I digress).
Maybe caving isn't the right word. That makes it sound like I'm crumbling into weakness. Really it's that in trying to get through all of this, I've built a lot of walls, and it's fucking lonely in here. I feel like I can't have an honest conversation with anyone about it. Not even here. Not even with myself. And it's killing me. My anxiety is worse than it's been since I was in the depths of grad school coursework.
Of course it's not all infertility to blame, but it's a big factor, because I'm not handling it well. Ignoring it for a while somehow let it fester out of control. Not to mention I've reached this point where we're quite literally stuck. I don't see a path in which this works out for us. I really wish I did. All of these things have converged into the perfect storm of almost bursting into tears about three times a day. Over nothing, and everything. Obviously my current approach isn't working anymore. This monster has gotten too big, like it has derived strength from every "are you guys having kids soon?" remark or every pregnancy announcement or baby shower or even just hanging out with some of the new moms I know. I saw one last week who is pregnant with her second; she loves to post online about her "struggle with infertility" even though she was ttc way less than a year with her first (and that kid was only 4 months old when she got pregnant with this next one), and she has never set foot in an RE office. See what I mean? Monster. None of this should matter. None of this has anything to do with me, but it's lurking around and breathing its fiery breath at me and I've got to figure out how to shake it. And something tells me the first step is figuring out how to take down all these walls. At the very least that would give the beast a chance to roam out into the forest or something, instead of just staying holed up in my chest.
Forgive my taking up space here with this. I know it doesn't really belong, but I don't have any other place to put it.