This year I have been on a spiritual journey to let go of the negatvitiy associated with my 3rd year ttc, or at this point more like ntnp (yup -- three effing years), but lately I've been increasingly worried that I'm going to snap on someone when they bring it up. Snap probably isn't the right word. More like explode.
I haven't been sleeping, I've been dreaming -- trust me, there's a difference. Last night I dreamed I was wandering through a room, like at a party, and every person I encountered either asked me about our plans for kids / why we don't have kids / gave a bunch of idiotic "advice" / asked why we aren't considering adoption, the list goes on. It was a compilation of every awful, unhelpful, uncomfortable remark anyone has ever made to me regarding reproduction, and it just went on and on and on. I'm actually tearing up right now as I type it, because it was so awful. Eventually, near the end of the dream, I started snapping on people about it.
"I had a friend who had the same problem as you guys and he just lost weight and stopped smoking and now they're pregnant", simple shrug. "Great," I replied, "obviously that's our problem then, if it worked for your friend. Even though my husband's not overweight and has stopped smoking, and it didn't affect his motility. In fact, your observation is so revolutionary, I'm not sure why you don't go public with this! How about you go find every man with low motility and explain to him if he loses weight (which he may or may not need to lose) and stops smoking (which he may or may not do) that -- voila -- problem solved! All those reproductive endocronologists out there, but by god I guess you've figured it out."
That part probably showed up in my dream because it happened to me yesterday. We were at an all-day family event, and someone gave me that off-hand remark. I just seethed over it. It's like it ate me alive, and I didn't say anything. Then this family member proceeds to say (in the real life moment), "So and so that was here earlier is in the same boat as you -- they're having trouble, too." Turns out their version of trouble is six months ttc, and they're millionaires, so it's not like they can't afford to go find out what their trouble is and probably afford to do something about it as well. Six months. Millionaires. I continued to seethe. She tittered on until I finally said, "Well you know I've kind of given up on that, so it's whatever." And she was like, "Oh well don't say that. It will happen." I left the room. >_< Anyway, in my dream, when I reacted to this similar remark with my huge blow up, everybody in the room just stared at me. "What's your problem?" they said. "Are you really that jealous / bitter / upset about this? You could just adopt / you're young / it's okay, it will happen when the time is right." The list goes on.
Other tidbits from the real life yesterday include the conversation turning to a couple who has waited until 38 to try to get pregnant, (who obviously wasn't present for said conversation), and everyone remarking how "they waited too late" and "watch them not be able to have children" and how "if he wanted kids that bad he should have married someone younger / put it in the prenup / etc., because now he's probably screwed". PUT IT IN THE PRENUP?! I just wanted to scream. I don't know how I didn't. And thinking back, I'm still trying to figure out how all of these separate, crazy conversations actually happened yesterday. And then dh's dad still makes all these remarks about, "When you guys have kids...", and I just want to yell at him to stop. "What kids?!" I want to yell. "Explain to me when we're going to have all these kids you're talking about? Just SHUT UP!!!!"
I'm just tired. I'm so tired. Literally and emotionally. This past week I had a friend (you all may remember -- she's the one who got pregnant and told everyone not to tell me but then went behind my back to casually ask me for my obgyn's info, which I gave to her and would have given to her even if I had known, but I felt like she had betrayed me with the way she did it because she lied to me about why she wanted the info and we were supposed to be friends), anyway, she has since had said baby and her wedding, which I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid in, is a month away. She had been super laisezz-faire about said wedding, but eventually she created a facebook group for the bridesmaids to share updates with us. Somehow I guess I wasn't getting notifications from this group even though I was in the group. In March she posted about dresses, and I didn't see it so I knew nothing about it, and I have seen her at least five times since March and she said nothing, but then -- last week -- she texts me and says, "Hey, so are you still interested in being in my wedding? I understand that things change and life happens, so if you can't then no hard feelings, I understand." LIFE HAPPENS?! I was furious. I seethed. At the advice of my friend I took the high road and replied that I thought I was still involved, but I hadn't received any updates. She mentioned the group, which I finally dug up from the depths of facebook to get caught up on, but I couldn't help thinking, 'Really? You couldn't have mentioned this to me one of the times we actually saw each other in person?' Anyway, it's resolved, I got my dress, whatever. But I never cease to be amazed. I went to her effing baby shower for god's sake. Despite her attitude and how she has avoided me "to spare my feelings", I have not done anything to make it seem like I harbor any resentment towards her, and I'm tired of being treated like this. Like I'm some sort of broken and/or delusional person, like it's all in my head or something. It's like infertility is somehow defining me, and it kills me, and I want to scream right in everyone's smug little faces.
And I was doing so well, and now I'm writing all this out and I look like a crazy person. I just want everyone to stop. It's just that I feel like people are constantly making these tiny little remarks. Like at the office on Thursday, one of the contractors was lamenting the fact that they just found out his wife is pregnant with a honeymoon baby. Just... ughh. Ugh. I think about the iuis we did and wonder why they didn't work for us, but why they work for some people. I think about how most people don't even have to try, really, and all those people just have kids and that's that. And I want to know why, but I know that's a ridiculous question because there is no why, it just is. It just is. But it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.
I need more tissue. End rant, I guess.