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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

Find your happy place

Last month was a ttc low point for me, which I'm referring to as my "7-month slump", but I have a renewed sense of calm and hope as this new cycle gets underway. 

I opened up to one of my closest friends about ttc. I had put it off for a long time bc I hadn't really told anyone - we didn't want the pressure and the questions, and there's always that chance of disapproval, because for some reason we live in a culture of "don't get married until your thirties (or ever), don't have kids until your thirties (or ever), you're wasting your youth, blah blah blah." I am in the camp of make your own life choices, but few are so open minded. Back home (small southern town), I'm "old" to be childless, where most of my former high school classmates have two or three kids already. In the city (still in the South), I'm considered too young to have kids. Like I said, I wasn't up to entering my personal choices into anyone's debate. What's kind of silly about this is I was assuming that my best friend of many many years would look down on me if I told her about ttc, since I know she's someone who doesn't want kids. I forgot that she's not judgmental or awful in any way (why would I be friends with her if she were?). Long story short, I broke down and told her how we've been trying for a while and it isn't going so well and how I was really down about it, and even though she had no experience or advice (which is probably preferable), she made me feel 100% better about it. She sent me some funny gifs and referenced Downton Abbey (when Mary & Matthew thought they were barren but they weren't - and of course she told me to ignore the part about how he died as soon as the baby was born), but she made me laugh, and I really felt so much less "alone". All this time i had thought not telling anyone would make me feel better, but in this case it proved to be the opposite. Idk, just getting it off my chest really made the difference, because who wants to feel like ttc is a secret they have to keep? 

Not sure where I'm going with this, except that I'm excited about this cycle and I've made new peace with ttc. I hope you all can find your happy place and make all this waiting a bit more bearable.

Peace & luck.

8 cycles ttc - 9 cycles off bcp - cd 6 

Silver Linings

Stop the presses: last night my DH asked how my AF was going. Okay, what he actually said was, "How's your stuff going? It seems lighter this time, like it's not affecting you as badly." Did he get sensitivity training behind my back?? Lol.

In all seriousness though, two things were brought to my attention about this. 1) My AF *is* a lot better since FertiliTea! Fewer heavy days, more stable moods, no cramps. Pretty awesome. 2) Ttc has really brought me & dh closer. DH can finally talk about my AF "stuff" without thinking about blood and almost passing out.  Of course he's always been a sweet guy, but I think he's much more in tune with me than he used to be. So maybe this ttc journey has been a blessing in disguise. Maybe the universe gave us extra time to get in tune with each other before we tackle a pregnancy together. Silver linings. ;)

Anyway, I told him how I thought the tea really helped, and that got him even more excited about his FertilAid, which should arrive today. He was asking me all about how many he should take a day and everything. (This, in the middle of our St. Patty's Day drinking. Agh, I love that man.)

How could you lose hope when you realize you already found your soulmate? I know I'm already lucky. 

Baby dust. 

8 cycles ttc - 9 cycles off bcp.- cd 4

Googling myself crazy

Out of the blue decided to Google endometriosis. I have no reason to believe I have this condition, but webMD can convince me I'm dying in less than five minutes on a regular day, and this was no different. What's that you say, Google? Usually it isn't diagnosed until 25 - 35? I'm 26. I begin to panic. Cramps throughout tww? I've been known to have those. Periods lasting 7 days or more? They last six - that's close right? 

Errmuhgahd!

Seriously though, idk why I do this to myself. Unnecessary panic. I mean, if I do have it, I guess I'll find out eventually, but why would I even think I have it? Thanks a lot, Google. :/ Haha. 

8 cycles ttc - 9 cycles off bcp - cd 2

Dtd, ovulate, AF. Repeat.

Right on schedule, AF showed up to usher in cycle 8.  All of this feels familiar.  I feel like I'm stuck on repeat.  Guess they don't call it a cycle for nothing.

DH is really getting discouraged. I tell him we haven't been trying that long. I remind him our timing has only been good for the past three cycles. I say don't worry, it will happen. Convincing him there's still hope gives me renewed hope, too, I guess.  This cycle we're going to add FertilAid for men to the mix. Fingers crossed.

This is going to sound really stupid, like "if the girl's on top you can't get pregnant" kind of mythology, but has anyone ever thought gravity made the difference for them? I've read a lot about how gravity has "no" effect on it, that the x's and y's get where they need to go regardless, but I just wonder sometimes if it truly makes no difference.

My fertile window this month looks like it will fall on a weekend FINALLY. I guess that's one thing to look forward to.

Did anyone else fall victim to AF again? 

P.S. If you find my positivity, please send it back to me. I think I lost it somewhere around 12dpo. Haha.

8 cycles ttc - 9 cycles off bcp - cd 1 

Spazzle out...

This is my last post today, promise. Just went to the restroom and had a bunch of watery red fluid when wiping and after. Went ahead and accepted defeat and  put in a soft cup. 

I guess I'll break the news to dh when I get home. I would cry but I'm at work. 

AF has not come early once this whole time. I'm so defeated. I have one more chance this year for a 2014 / before I'm 27 baby. It's just not looking good. 

:'(

Hello, cycle 8...

Two Dayyyys

Anyone else feel like AF is like the creepy little girl from The Ring who calls you every single dpo to creepy whisper to you how many days remain until she shows up to kill you? 

I'm sorry I'm filling up the feed with my nonsense, but if I told this stuff to anyone but you guys they would probably start to question my sanity, lol. 

"Two dayyyys." Haha. :/

Bfp dream & beige cm

Last night I dreamt that I tested positive on a dollar tree hpt casette. In the dream, I immediately took a first response (both tests are in my bathroom cabinet right now) and watched a bold positive appear. Then my pregnant dream self went to the local dollar tree and bought every single hpt they had on the shelves. I had all the purple boxes stacked up and was taking one every day to make sure I was still pregnant. Idk if it's just my tww psychosis setting in or if it's a sign. Time will tell. Only two days to go!

This morning is the fourth morning since 7dpo that I've had bloody snot. Related? Not sure. I don't have a cold or any congestion, thankfully. 

I checked my cp again this morning. It's still pretty high, but much softer than yesterday (yesterday's was really really firm) but still closed. I have quite a bit of lotiony/watery cm up there, but it's a slight beige color. I'm so worried that this is an indicator that AF is about to send in spotting to kill my hopes. I kept checking in the shower to make sure it was beige and not brown, like spotting. I don't have anything in my past cycle notes that indicates beige cm. It sort of reminds me of after AF cm actually. I'm so conflicted about what this means. 

The vote I posted a few days ago is 18:4 yes, or 82% yes. I know that doesn't mean anything more than the fact that this community has hope for me, but that makes me happy, too. 

Anyway, no cramps, no significant soreness in my bbs, my face is only trying to break out right between my eyebrows (talk about weird), and I'm just hoping that I don't see AF or a bfn. 

This tww is almost over! One way or another, we'll have our answers soon. And they could be really exciting, haha. FX.

Best of luck to those still waiting. 

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 13 dpo

Can I hibernate until test day?

Seriously though. I feel awful. I'm sleeping horribly, half the time I'm burning up, I'm grouchy, I suddenly have all these sinus issues, and I'm just so tired. Maybe I've just been coming down with a slow-moving sickness or something? Maybe I'm not pregnant.

So DH and I had a pretty long ttc convo last night. He asked when we would know something aka when we can test and I told him Saturday. Then he asked what I think our chances are, and of course I tell him our timing has been great again so I'm hopeful. He keeps asking if we need to see a dr (I told him not til July, but he seems concerned), because he knows our friends had to see a dr after only 3 - 6mo, but it was because they're in their early forties. (The dr actually told them they thought they needed more invasive tests, left them without much hope for naturally conceiving and they stopped trying, that month when they went for the procedure they did a pg test first and bfp! Now they have a beautiful baby girl. No thanks to the dr, haha.) I think he's worried it's him, so I have suggested FertilAid for men if we don't get pregnant this cycle, since that would probably be our first solution if his SA came back with concerning numbers. He seemed pretty pleased with this. Obviously if he really wants to go I'm not opposed, but I can tell he's getting worried and it makes me feel worried :(

I checked my cp this morning (I maybe check it three or four times a cycle) and it's much higher than it was after O and really really hard (super unusual) and closed. Probably doesn't mean anything. I know there is always hope and our chances seem good, but I'm grouchy and just down about it. I'm really getting nervous that this is all just typical AF, and I just want to stay in bed and hide under the covers until the weekend. I'm just so frickin tired. Bleh.

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 12 dpo

Longest. Week. Ever.

I'm 11dpo and not above wallowing in my symptom-induced anxiety. I am losing my cool over here! This wait is messing with my head. What if my bbs and my uterus and my body's cooling system are conspiring against me?!

I am burning up in my own skin for the past few days. I have crazy dreams and wake up sweating for the past three days. It was 55* when I left the house this morning, and I would've killed for shorts, flip flops, and a tshirt instead of my work skirt and blouse. I live in the South where 55* is definitely not considered warm weather, so all of this is throwing me off. I'm also grouchy when I'm hot, so that doesn't help. 

At least yesterday's pulled muscle cramps seem to have subsided for the most part. I can't fathom how a could-be little bean could cause such a ruckus in my pelvic area. Hopefully this is just a sign that a little miracle is getting snug and cozy in there. 

I don't trust my bbs because they're always doing something weird so I'm going to rule them out. My nips do seem puffy, but it might be in my head. I can always see my veins bc I'm ultra pale so that's nothing to get excited about. They seem fuller but maybe just pre-AF...  Ugh, I just don't know! 

I'm trying to breathe and relax and hope for the best. It's just so frustrating to think I might be a sweaty, anxious mess for no reason, lol. And it's only Tuesday!

You guys have given me tons of support and feedback, and I definitely appreciate all of you waiting with me and sitting through my rambling. We've already had some bfps around here so far! Anyone still hoping with me?

 

How's it going, ladies?

 

 

It's quiet around here for a bunch of ladies in waiting. I personally am going nuts at 10dpo! How's it going for everyone else? Four days til testing! 

 

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