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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

Bfp dream & beige cm

Last night I dreamt that I tested positive on a dollar tree hpt casette. In the dream, I immediately took a first response (both tests are in my bathroom cabinet right now) and watched a bold positive appear. Then my pregnant dream self went to the local dollar tree and bought every single hpt they had on the shelves. I had all the purple boxes stacked up and was taking one every day to make sure I was still pregnant. Idk if it's just my tww psychosis setting in or if it's a sign. Time will tell. Only two days to go!

This morning is the fourth morning since 7dpo that I've had bloody snot. Related? Not sure. I don't have a cold or any congestion, thankfully. 

I checked my cp again this morning. It's still pretty high, but much softer than yesterday (yesterday's was really really firm) but still closed. I have quite a bit of lotiony/watery cm up there, but it's a slight beige color. I'm so worried that this is an indicator that AF is about to send in spotting to kill my hopes. I kept checking in the shower to make sure it was beige and not brown, like spotting. I don't have anything in my past cycle notes that indicates beige cm. It sort of reminds me of after AF cm actually. I'm so conflicted about what this means. 

The vote I posted a few days ago is 18:4 yes, or 82% yes. I know that doesn't mean anything more than the fact that this community has hope for me, but that makes me happy, too. 

Anyway, no cramps, no significant soreness in my bbs, my face is only trying to break out right between my eyebrows (talk about weird), and I'm just hoping that I don't see AF or a bfn. 

This tww is almost over! One way or another, we'll have our answers soon. And they could be really exciting, haha. FX.

Best of luck to those still waiting. 

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 13 dpo

Can I hibernate until test day?

Seriously though. I feel awful. I'm sleeping horribly, half the time I'm burning up, I'm grouchy, I suddenly have all these sinus issues, and I'm just so tired. Maybe I've just been coming down with a slow-moving sickness or something? Maybe I'm not pregnant.

So DH and I had a pretty long ttc convo last night. He asked when we would know something aka when we can test and I told him Saturday. Then he asked what I think our chances are, and of course I tell him our timing has been great again so I'm hopeful. He keeps asking if we need to see a dr (I told him not til July, but he seems concerned), because he knows our friends had to see a dr after only 3 - 6mo, but it was because they're in their early forties. (The dr actually told them they thought they needed more invasive tests, left them without much hope for naturally conceiving and they stopped trying, that month when they went for the procedure they did a pg test first and bfp! Now they have a beautiful baby girl. No thanks to the dr, haha.) I think he's worried it's him, so I have suggested FertilAid for men if we don't get pregnant this cycle, since that would probably be our first solution if his SA came back with concerning numbers. He seemed pretty pleased with this. Obviously if he really wants to go I'm not opposed, but I can tell he's getting worried and it makes me feel worried :(

I checked my cp this morning (I maybe check it three or four times a cycle) and it's much higher than it was after O and really really hard (super unusual) and closed. Probably doesn't mean anything. I know there is always hope and our chances seem good, but I'm grouchy and just down about it. I'm really getting nervous that this is all just typical AF, and I just want to stay in bed and hide under the covers until the weekend. I'm just so frickin tired. Bleh.

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 12 dpo

Longest. Week. Ever.

I'm 11dpo and not above wallowing in my symptom-induced anxiety. I am losing my cool over here! This wait is messing with my head. What if my bbs and my uterus and my body's cooling system are conspiring against me?!

I am burning up in my own skin for the past few days. I have crazy dreams and wake up sweating for the past three days. It was 55* when I left the house this morning, and I would've killed for shorts, flip flops, and a tshirt instead of my work skirt and blouse. I live in the South where 55* is definitely not considered warm weather, so all of this is throwing me off. I'm also grouchy when I'm hot, so that doesn't help. 

At least yesterday's pulled muscle cramps seem to have subsided for the most part. I can't fathom how a could-be little bean could cause such a ruckus in my pelvic area. Hopefully this is just a sign that a little miracle is getting snug and cozy in there. 

I don't trust my bbs because they're always doing something weird so I'm going to rule them out. My nips do seem puffy, but it might be in my head. I can always see my veins bc I'm ultra pale so that's nothing to get excited about. They seem fuller but maybe just pre-AF...  Ugh, I just don't know! 

I'm trying to breathe and relax and hope for the best. It's just so frustrating to think I might be a sweaty, anxious mess for no reason, lol. And it's only Tuesday!

You guys have given me tons of support and feedback, and I definitely appreciate all of you waiting with me and sitting through my rambling. We've already had some bfps around here so far! Anyone still hoping with me?

 

How's it going, ladies?

 

 

It's quiet around here for a bunch of ladies in waiting. I personally am going nuts at 10dpo! How's it going for everyone else? Four days til testing! 

 

Is sweating a symptom?

I've had some other odd things going on since 7dpo, but on days 9 and 10 I've had a sweating problem. I woke up sweating both days, which is so unusual for me unless it's the dead of summer or I wore too many clothes to bed, etc. I'm really cold by nature. During the day yesterday I was consistently hot and started sweating just going to the store. After I showered I wore shorts and a tshirt around the house with no socks, which compared to my usual sweatpants+socks+sweatshIrt combo is just weird, and there was no temperature change to account for any of this. I'm also fairly sure that for a few days I keep thinking my deodorant isn't working and put more on (this happened on 8dpo too, now that I think about it). 

So I guess my real question is: is sweating a symptom? It's not what I would describe as hot flashes. I'm just... warmer. I'm REALLY beginning to wonder about this cycle. 

I gave up testing early for Lent so I am doing a lot of praying for patience, haha. I just feel like I'm being tested, but I refuse to test until 15dpo. I know I'm probably just symptom spotting, but I've never spotted sweating lol. 

Anyone have wisdom for me?

Thanks & good luck! 

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 10 dpo

9dpo Time to get TMI ;)

Since we're deep into the 1WW, it's time for a round-up of TMI details, which I will refer to as "symptoms". 

I had nothing out of the ordinary until 7dpo, when I woke up with nausea and my nose kept bleeding (arguably not a symptom bc my charts confirmed this has happened before - I'm not the only one who cross checks my notes with previous cycles, am I? Lol). I've been really exhausted but I had the hardest week at work. The strange thing on this day was a weird expanding/tightening feeling in my uterus. Contradictory descriptors, I know, but that's how it felt. I occasionally get right side pains too. 

On 8dpo I thought my nips looked purply around the edges. My imagination? My bbs seem achy today. My skin is trying to break out, which is unusual. And (TMI alert) I had FOUR BMs yesterday. Is that an early pregnancy thing??? It was really weird. It wasn't like urgent and sickly, it was just regular bms that were not a big deal until I realized that was the fourth one.... lol. 

DH and I went to a bonfire that ran pretty late last night and grabbed early AM diner food, which was yummy but I couldn't finish for the nausea and had to go sit in the car while he paid bc I thought I was going to be sick. I feel totally fine this morning, though...

One thing that is throwing me off is that my cervix is pretty low. I only check cp casually bc mine rarely does what it should, but usually it's pretty high / medium this time in my cycle, which always leads me to think I'm pg when I haven't been. Not sure if that's significant? 

Some days of abundantly creamy cm, too. 

What do you guys think? I would love some insight. I'm hopeful!

I started reading some new books to get me thru the rest of this wait. Distractions are key. Lol. 

Good luck! 

Warm Fuzzies

Ttc can make even the best of us bitter.  You know what I'm talking about.  Those moments when you can't even leave the house (or log onto Fbook) without seeing a dozen pregnant women and new babies and inevitably feeling jealous and desperate. Suddenly your womb feels painfully empty and you may or may not begin hiding status updates from every single pregnant friend. Then you begin to feel terrible about your bitterness.  It's a downward spiral.  We've all been there, but today I had a breakthrough.

Since ttc, I've avoided the baby department like the plague for the most part.  I try to avoid eye contact with it as I pass, because the bitterness had set in, and seeing all that baby stuff just made me feel desperate. This morning, when I popped over to Target for a few things, I had some extra time and actually browsed the baby department. I looked at the selection of cloth diapers - how frickin' adorable are those?! I smiled at the little ones in the shopping carts around me, even the one throwing a complete fit and embarrassing the hell out of that new mom. It made me feel so happy, because one day I might be that new mom who is red-faced and frustrated because my one-year-old decides to fall apart in the middle of Target. That probably sounds really silly, but that's part of it, right?  That's what we all really want - to be moms.  Pinterest aside, it's not really that glamorous to be a mom.  It's baseball caps because you didn't have time to wash your hair and sweatpants because you're struggling to lose the baby weight and tantrums in the middle of Target.  But it's so much more than that. Moms are tasked with raising a little person to be a good citizen of the world, to know right from wrong, to make good decisions.  It's huge, and it's amazing, and of course sometimes it's ridiculously frustrating.  I want that. 

I think sometimes ttc can make me really short-sighted.  I get so wrapped up in wanting to be pregnant that I forget the bigger picture.  I just want to be a mom.  And that doesn't make me feel bitter at all.  It actually makes me feel really happy.

I don't know how much longer it's going to take to get pregnant. There's no way in the world I can know that. Sometimes I look at my positivity and I feel really delusional, like what makes me think this might be the month? Six of them have already passed with no luck, but eventually it has to be different. Or it won't - and I'll end up rescuing a bunch of animals and filling up my house with four-legged children, lol. 

We're all better than that bitterness.  We're going to be moms one day.  At some point, we're going to be the ones abandoning our shopping carts and escorting a screaming child out of the store.  We'll get there.  Have faith.

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 8dpo - testing at 15dpo

The 1WW: Fingers X & Symptoms Spotted!

I wake up with nausea, a bloody nose, and gas - must be pregnancy symptoms, right? I rush to my chart, check my notes for last cycle's 7dpo and... realize I'm right on schedule. But there's hope yet! 

As our logical selves know, there is no specific set of symptoms that will guarantee a bfn or bfp. We read stories all the time of women who experience nothing out of the ordinary before their bfps. There are plenty of others who recognize the symptoms early. Of course we all wish we came equipped with some sort of preheated oven light telling us the moment there's a bun in there! The good news is we're halfway to knowing the results of our efforts! :) Our bfps could be right around the corner! 

Even though I don't feel anything more than the overwhelming exhaustion of this work week and the usual hormonal stuff, I'm crossing my fingers and thinking happy thoughts. If I see AF next weekend I guess I'll have a giant drink with her and drown my sorrows, but for now I'll stick to FertiliTea and hope for a bfp by St. Patrick's Day!  I would really love to have a November baby. C'mon, miracle, work with me here. 

How's it going for all you ladies in waiting? How are you feeling about your chances? I've felt better about mine, but it ain't over til AF shows...

May your thoughts & tests all be positive! 

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 7dpo - testing at 15dpo

A Leap of Faith

Today is the beginning of Lent, and there's always a lot of talk about what to "give up". I usually keep my choices to myself as an exercise in being accountable to God and not to other people, but I figured I would break that in a small way this year to share with you ladies part of my plan. It's not like you'll catch me telling anyone else the ttc-related things I'm giving up for Lent. Lol. 

I know we're all guilty of micromanaging the ttc process, but maybe sometimes it's best to have a little faith. So part of my plan for Lent is to "give up" peeing on a stick. Until Easter, I will not take a pregnancy test before the day of my expected AF - I will wait the entire two weeks. Any time I feel like I can't wait, I will say a prayer and give it up to God. Same goes for opks - I will just use my signs as a guide for when I'm fertile, and I won't take an opk until the cycle after Easter.

I want to believe the universe has a plan. I need to have faith that miracles take a little time  and that I cannot worry myself into a pregnancy. So many things have to line up, and even then, as we know, our best made plans don't always pan out as we hoped. I think it will do me some good to deny myself the illusion of control I have over ttc that comes from poas. 

**I'm sharing because this is the only place I can share, lol. I don't mean to offend anyone based on your religion or lack thereof. I'm coming from a place of humbleness not judgment. :) People of all religions or non-religions have beautiful, loving families. This is just how I'm hoping to get there. ;)

Peace and luck to you! 

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 5 dpo

Wait is Flying By

I've unfortunately been SO busy at work this week I've barely had a chance to chart let alone count the days since O. The silver lining is that I also haven't had time to worry about the wait. Lol. 

I had this horrible dream last night that I was pregnant but my husband was trying to divorce me. And I kept saying "But I'm pregnant!" (Thankfully DH and i are great irl.) I hate how our dreams hijack us during the tww, at least for me. This is the only time I get bfp dreams or cycle - related dreams. For some reason for many many years (long before I met dh) I've had dreams about being pregnant or with small children all alone - as if my spouse is missing for some reason. I'm no psychoanalyst so idk what that is about but they're never pleasant. 

On a different note, I keep reminding myself to drink more water so I figured I would remind you all as well. I only drink water, but in the winter it's easy to get dehydrated bc since it's cold you might forget to hydrate unlike when it's warm. Also, central heat can dry the air and make you less hydrated. Water is life, as we know from science class, so raise an extra glass to your could-be bean! :)

I'm so excited how many of you are waiting with me this cycle. There's bound to be some bfps! It's early yet, but how are you ladies feeling about your chances? There continue to be a lot of bfps around here - here's to hoping they're contagious! 

Best of luck to you! I'll be checking in!

7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 4 dpo 

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