Ttc can make even the best of us bitter. You know what I'm talking about. Those moments when you can't even leave the house (or log onto Fbook) without seeing a dozen pregnant women and new babies and inevitably feeling jealous and desperate. Suddenly your womb feels painfully empty and you may or may not begin hiding status updates from every single pregnant friend. Then you begin to feel terrible about your bitterness. It's a downward spiral. We've all been there, but today I had a breakthrough.
Since ttc, I've avoided the baby department like the plague for the most part. I try to avoid eye contact with it as I pass, because the bitterness had set in, and seeing all that baby stuff just made me feel desperate. This morning, when I popped over to Target for a few things, I had some extra time and actually browsed the baby department. I looked at the selection of cloth diapers - how frickin' adorable are those?! I smiled at the little ones in the shopping carts around me, even the one throwing a complete fit and embarrassing the hell out of that new mom. It made me feel so happy, because one day I might be that new mom who is red-faced and frustrated because my one-year-old decides to fall apart in the middle of Target. That probably sounds really silly, but that's part of it, right? That's what we all really want - to be moms. Pinterest aside, it's not really that glamorous to be a mom. It's baseball caps because you didn't have time to wash your hair and sweatpants because you're struggling to lose the baby weight and tantrums in the middle of Target. But it's so much more than that. Moms are tasked with raising a little person to be a good citizen of the world, to know right from wrong, to make good decisions. It's huge, and it's amazing, and of course sometimes it's ridiculously frustrating. I want that.
I think sometimes ttc can make me really short-sighted. I get so wrapped up in wanting to be pregnant that I forget the bigger picture. I just want to be a mom. And that doesn't make me feel bitter at all. It actually makes me feel really happy.
I don't know how much longer it's going to take to get pregnant. There's no way in the world I can know that. Sometimes I look at my positivity and I feel really delusional, like what makes me think this might be the month? Six of them have already passed with no luck, but eventually it has to be different. Or it won't - and I'll end up rescuing a bunch of animals and filling up my house with four-legged children, lol.
We're all better than that bitterness. We're going to be moms one day. At some point, we're going to be the ones abandoning our shopping carts and escorting a screaming child out of the store. We'll get there. Have faith.
7 cycles ttc - 8 cycles off bcp - 8dpo - testing at 15dpo