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spazzle's blog

I don't think I can do this anymore

Over the weekend (while I was blocked by the filter) I had a complete breakdown. Call it hormones, stress, a symptom, whatever - for me it means that I have to stop with the ttc. The charts, the obsessing, the positivity: it's all driving me crazy. I had a bfp dream at 7dpo, and last night I had a dream I was trying to buy period supplies but the store only had one single box of pads. When I'm dreaming about ttc, things have just gone too far for me. I was obsessing over sex, or lack thereof, and secretly resenting my husband. I have realized that I would rather put my energy into the things I have rather than the things I would like to have (at the expense of the things I have), which is especially important when I'm running so thin these days. It all boils down to that I just don't have it in me anymore. After this cycle I'll be switching to NTNP for the sake of my sanity. 

My best to all of you.  Keep fighting the good fight. 

Spazzle out. 

5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 10dpo - cd28

7dpo Symptom Spotting like a Mother

So I posted a few noteworthy changes yesterday, and this morning after I woke up from a bfp dream I told myself I needed to take a break from thinking about all of this baby making stuff, but I'm sitting at my desk and I HAVE SORE NIPPLES. This has never happened to me before! Sore bbs - always,  but this? It's like a burning/tingly sensation inside my bbs to the nipples. Am I crazy??? I'm beginning to wonder. 

GGonna go home after work and try to forget this madness.

Baby dust! 

Is "bubbly" a symptom? Lol.

I'm 6dpo today and I'm not sure that this cycle is unlike the rest. I've been cramping with sore bbs since ovulation, and I expect it will last until AF - it does this some cycles; I'm not sure why, but it's really uncomfortable and annoying. I also get an unusually heightened sense of smell about this time during some cycles, and everything suddenly smells good. No idea what that's about. Aside from all that, here's what's different today: 

- my cramps changed from pinchy and sharp to generally achy;

- I have loads of creamy cm. Usually at this point in my cycle I only have creamy or sticky cm up near my cervix when I check cp, so this abundance seems noteworthy;

- Two of my co-workers (separately) mentioned that they were glad to see me so happy and "bubbly" today. This really threw me off bc I do not *feel* bubbly - work is really busy and I've been stressed for weeks - today was no different - feeling like I'm barely making it, but two different people noticed a positive change in me. Idk what this means, but by the time a second person said something about the change, I have to admit I wonder... Oh!  And then the female coworker who said something asked in the same convo if I want children. Isn't that bizarre... 

Anyway, that's where I am

. My energy and enthusiasm for this wait is definitely waning. I could reasonably test in five or six days,  but idk, I might wait for missed AF. Thoughts and support welcome.


Baby dust.


5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 6dpo

New Year, New Possibilities

I don't think I'm alone when I say that this time last year I thought I would be pregnant by NYE. Clearly the universe has other plans, haha. I'd like to toast all of you who are ttc. Have a drink and enjoy it because you can. Enjoy this time with your partners. Have crazy sex just for the hell of it. Breathe, relax, smile. Next year may be completely different. What a difference a year can make. 

Cheers, ladies. And best of luck in 2014. It's 12 cycles of new possibilities! 


5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 4dpo - cd 22

3dpo, frustrated

I have a feeling this is going to be one of those tww that makes me suffer through lots of "symptoms" only to end in AF. All signs pointed to O on cd18, but today I am experiencing really sore bbs, lower back pain, and pinchy cramps on alternating sides (ouch). I'm so frustrated and I'm worried this will be like a previous cycle in which I cramped and dealt with really sore bbs for the entire two weeks. I have minimal creamy cm today and all these pains make me question if this is O and ive been wrong? Too many variables and questions. Next cycle - if there's a next cycle - I will be using opks and by the cycle after that i will start temping. I am too frustrated with the whole thing right now. Why can't O be like a damn check engine light or something?? Grr. 

Sorry, no positivity here today. Searchingfor peace.

5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 3dpo? - cd21

How you know you're in the tww

Everyone you see everywhere you go is frickin pregnant. Bleh. Haha.

TMI observation...

Ok so I wouldn't call myself a symptom spotter, but when anything out of the ordinary happens I make note, mostly to establish a norm for the next cycle.

I should preface this by saying I *think* I am 2dpo today. This cycle chart looks exactly like last month down to the specifics. 

DH is of course out-of-town and I had a crazy sex dream at some point in which I orgasmed. So later on when I woke up and was still in bed I checked for cm to see if it was still lotiony like yesterday and it was mostly sticky/dry down there. Then all of the sudden a HUGE wet rush of cm poured out. Like a ridiculous amount. It was milky/watery and left a big wet spot on the bed. WTF??? It was comparable to leaking semen after sex - that's how much there was. Really really bizarre. I'm going to make note and check cm a bit later instead, but what should I make of this? I can't say I felt aroused or anything despite the earlier dream. Now I'm really curious as to what that was all about. I don't think it was a sign of O or anything bc it's accompanied by after O symptoms with no O pain. Hmm... 


5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 2dpo - cd20

The Wait Begins

Well, the time has come.

DH left on his out-of-town trip bright and early this morning and all signs point to O yesterday or today so now all that's left to do is wait. We dtd on cd 15 (ewcm) and cd 17 (lots of watery cm), with O likely on cd 18. Could've dtd more but I didn't want to force it. Plus after we watched this depressing post-apocalyptic movie last night (the road) all I wanted to do was cuddle and cry, lol. I'm just glad we actually hit the fertile days this month instead of missing them as we've done some (read: most) previous months. AF is due January 11th, which is right before my bday. Fingers crossed!

I'm still pretty nervous about actually getting a bfp but I know I'll be sad if I don't get one either, haha. I feel like a dog chasing cars: I wouldn't know what to do if I actually caught one. ;) It's just the usual worries like will we have enough money, will I be a good mom, etc., which this community has already made me feel more normal about having. 

Anyone else beginning her tww? How are you feeling about your chances this cycle? I'm hopeful but feeling like I'll be seeing AF on the other side - never know though! It's early yet!

Best of luck ♥

5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 25 years old - approx 1dpo

on the day after xmas ttc gave to me: an ovary a-laying

Since I seem to be nearing O on Friday (cd18), I figured it may be cathartic to recount what I've learned about my signs in the past few months. I got off bcp in July and don't think I actually ovulated until Sept even though I was having 35-day cycles that I could pinpoint down to the hour. Since I've actually started showing signs of O, my cycles have beencloser to 32-33 days with O on cd 18 - 19. My O signs include:

Nausea, lower back ache, fatigue, ewcm two to three days before (past two cycles), my skin gets very clear, on actual O day I get severe pain on one side that worsens when I pee - I always mistake it for the beginning of a uti, but I figured out later that it's just strong O pain that I suppose gets worse with the "bearing down" action, my bbs look fantastic, and I'm irritable as hell. The day after O my cm goes from watery to creamy. Last month on the day of O my cervix was noticably higher and very soft, even though the rest of the month its pattern was haphazard at best. 

I know I could use opk, which I may in the future if my other efforts seem to fail, but right now I'm trying to be happy about all I've learned from taking notes and charting! Learning these signs has really helped me pull away from my chart and feel confident that I know my body. :) Has anyone else experienced a similar charting victory? How do you pinpoint O?

Baby dust. 

5mo ttc - 6mo off bcp - 1-2 days til O - cd17


To finish the days of ttc song just for fun:

Five DTDs!

Four confusing charts,

Three opks,

Two fingers crossed,

And one hopeful BFP!

Happy Xmas Eve! EWCM!

Everyone around here is hoping for a little Christmas magic. I woke up to my second month of ewcm!  A few things about this:

a) this is the exact cd I got it last cycle - three cheers for regularity!;

b) I'm really tired of mucus in general due to my lingering virus but I'll make an exception since at least my lady parts do not also cough and sneeze;

and c) this means I may O on cd18 like I did last cycle, which is awesome bc cd18 is Friday and dh goes out of town on Saturday! Happy dance!

No matter where you are in your ttc journey, snuggle your loved ones and merry Christmas to you! 

(Hahaha just realized spazzle sounds like an elf name.)