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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

The final countdown

I have plans for one final iui in December, and my RE overwhelmingly agreed that this would be a natural iui cycle. He wasn't happy with the super sped up ovulation from letrozole (especially that cycle that my lining couldn't keep up) and suggested no meds before I could even bring it up, which was a huge relief for me. (Would have been nice if he decided that a month ago, but better late than never haha.) He also talked post game, and explained I'm an excellent candidate for ivf if this doesn't work. He said to consider it in the next couple of years, if it's something we want to do, and that it's not outside the realm of possibility that I may get pregnant in the meantime. We have no plans for ivf, but at least we know it's out there in case we win the lotto or something. I'm 9dpo currently, so not too far off from next cycle. Crossing my fingers, but being realistic. Everybody doesn't get to be a grand prize winner, some just have to take the participation trophy and move along.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Despite all these ttc woes, we have plenty to be thankful for.

 

Grouchy & constipated

Okay, maybe the grouchiness is from working way too much this past week, but the constipation? No idea where that's coming from. I eat muesli for breakfast and that usually keeps my system in tip top shape, but no luck for the past couple of days.  It's No Meds November, so that's not the culprit. I'm 5dpo, though, so all of this may be inconsequential in the scheme of things. 

We're nearing the end of 2015 which means I'm nearing the end of ttc. It's been 2.5 years, and our final iui is going to be in December. We'll either start 2016 with a new pregnancy or as our first ttc free year since 2012. Kind of crazy to think about, but I'm ready. It's time to move on one way or another. We shall see.

I haven't been checking in much, but my best to all of you. :) 

Resident Rain Cloud

I've actually been in great spirits lately and let go of so much negativity, but this weekend tested my resolve and this rant isn't really appropriate anywhere else so here it goes...

I mentioned a few weeks ago that DH & I are friends with a couple who are pregnant. I didn't take the news well because the girl I thought I was close friends with not only did not tell me the news herself, but a few weeks earlier had lied to me and went on a long rant about how they "just weren't at that point in their lives to try for kids" with a "maybe next year" attitude only for me to find out that they had just started trying AND she was at least 8 or 9 weeks pregnant. I didn't even bring up the topic, so I felt (and still feel) 100% betrayed that she would bring it up just to lie to me especially when she was already pregnant. Then I felt like I was denied the opportunity to be excited for her because she just cut me out completely. Anyway, when I reached out to her to express my congratulations, she was kind of short with me, so I haven't reached out again, which brings us to this weekend when she and her boyfriend showed up at an event we had for my dh. Of course we wanted them to come -- they were invited. When she finally started talking with me about it, she used the opportunity to complain about how she has to get up in the middle of the night to pee and how she's thirsty a lot, and at one point she actually said, "You have no idea. Ugh, it's the worst." And all I could manage to say was, "Yup, you're right, I don't have any idea." <_<  Long story short it was super uncomfortable, bc I still felt like she wasn't being genuine with me about anything. So I was telling a friend about how it was handled (or not handled) and she admits to me that she had heard and that the couple specifically told everyone not to tell us early on because they weren't sure how we would take it. I felt like I had been slapped. It was handled badly enough anyway without finding out that everyone had been tiptoeing around, lying to us, and just generally being like "poor pitiful them" about it. I just wanted to scream. Heaven forbid my so called friend just treat me like a person, and tell me the news in an excited way (or at all) so that I could be excited for them. I just feel like the way it was handled has made it impossible for me to participate, and after all the hurt feelings I kind of don't even want to anymore. I have been shoved into my own little corner. I want to tell everyone I'm infertile but I'm not broken, I mean damn... It's not like I can't handle reality or be happy for others.

Anyway. Aside from this bugging me, I've been doing really well. Super healthy, a lot happier than I've been in a long while, meds free. Just living the dream, haha. 

I miss you guys. I hope you're all doing well.

Oh, estrace thickened my lining all right...

TMI warning. Not for the faint of heart.

I was put on estrace / estradiol from my iui until AF because at my ultrasound the lining was only 6.7mm, which they considered thin. I've never had a lining issue before, but of course I wanted a good lining so I took it as directed. Now that AF is here, I am kind of horrified at how thick my lining must have gotten. I use soft cups, so I am quite familiar with what menstrual fluid looks like. My flow right now is so full of tissue that when I went to empty the cup it sort of slopped out in gooey pieces. It didn't even look liquid in the cup. More like thick, dark red ewcm with giant dark red tissue pieces. I'm actually pretty horrified just explaining it here. Thankfully I'm not really in any pain, and the flow isn't much heavier than I'm used to, but oh the horror... I feel like I'm bleeding gunky motor oil or something. :( 

This was my last cycle on meds. I think after the one month break we'll do our next iui as a natural cycle. These meds haven't done us many favors, and the results didn't seem very consistent. Oh well, live and learn. 

Sending you all my best. 

To add insult to injury

I poas this morning and when I wiped after it was brown, and now I have cramps. >_<  The frer was bfn. I'm 12 dpo / iui, and I have the sinking realization that this probably didn't work... again. My last estrace pill is this morning, but they wanted me to take it until Friday, but in my mind what's the point? I'm gonna go buy a whole refill for two days? Only to start AF on Saturday?

I'm sad, and frustrated, and dreading all of this. I'm tired of spending all the money. I'm tired of all the appointments (and disappointments). I just have such a heavy heart right now. I wonder if any of the swimmers even met the egg? I wonder if maybe it just couldn't implant? So many questions, and unfortunately there are no answers.

:(

10dpo / iui - Home Stretch

I have enough estrace to get me to Wednesday morning, and I have one frer in my cabinet, so it looks like that'll be my test day. If I get a bfp by some miracle apparently they want me to continue estrace and balance it with progesterone for a few weeks, which I have my concerns about, since my prog is always great, but I guess I'll cross that bridge if I get there. I've had a bad luck few days, so I'm feeling a bit down and out, but at least there's not much longer to wait. Please please please let this finally be the month.

Lots of luck, ladies. Wishing you treats instead of tricks.

 

P.S. Note to Self: I'm really proud of myself this cycle, regardless how this turns out. I have done things I never thought I could handle, like giving myself a shot in my stomach and agreeing to take extra meds at my doctor's recommendation. I have not obsessed through this wait. Small victories, but victories nonetheless.

I've got a good feeling about this.

I have decided to embrace the positive this cycle. Things have gone well, and I feel like we have a good shot. I have finally (officially) moved beyond symptom spotting -- only took me 27 cycles. ;) I have my test date on the calendar, and here are some fun and exciting things to consider if I get a bfp that day:

I would be 12 weeks exactly on Christmas day, which would fit perfectly into the way that dh & I have always said we wanted to do grandparents' gifts to announce to our families. We would do gifts  regardless, but at least ppl expect to receive gifts on Christmas so it would preserve the surprise until the last moment, which would be nice. 

A bfp this cycle (considering, of course, a happy & healthy 9 months) would have an EDD of July 7th, which is the birthday of one of our pets, which I found funny when it popped up in the calculator (based on my iui / ovulation date). Seven seven! Hehe.

Of course, I would take any bfp at any time regardless of funny little coincidences like these, and I realize that this may not be my cycle so I wouldn't get an xmas announcement to our families nor a seven seven due date, BUT it's keeping me positive, which is more than I can say for symptom spotting or chart stalking.

Wishing you all my best. 

P.s. What's up with the blogs being total Spam-a-lot lately??  Makes it hard to keep up with the actual ttcers. I wish they'd get it resolved. Hint hint, to any mods reading. :)

If this is a test of character, I fail.

I just found out through my DH that two of our close friends are pregnant.  I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, not only because their attitude about it is "we weren't trying and this isn't great timing but oh well, whatever" but also because I'm finding out about this secondhand.  I was kind of surprised that she didn't tell me (she was in my bridal party when I got married, and I'm supposed to be in her wedding next summer, to put it in perspective), so I was checking my phone to see if maybe she was secretly pregnant last time I saw her and she just didn't mention it or what -- and then I see that a couple of weeks ago she texted me asking what my ogbyn's name is because she knew I recommended her and she wanted to find an actual doctor instead of just continuing to go to PP.  I didn't think anything of it.  I actually wasn't terribly upset until I saw that.  I know I'll sound like a petulant child when I say this, but I'm supposed to be the one going to my awesome doctor for a pregnancy.  Instead, I'm over here eating soup because my stomach is sour from all the fucking fertility meds I'm taking.  Instead, I've spent over $2,000 to date this year trying to get pregnant.  I mean, good for them.  I'm sure they're going to adore parenthood.  It's not that I suffer from any delusion that the world is fair, and I'm breaking one of my cardinal rules of ttc (don't compare your journey to others) even as I write this.  But I don't care.  Trying to get pregnant has been the shittiest, loneliest, most heartbreaking time I've ever had in my life.  I've had to do things that most people will never do, and I still have nothing to show for it.  And maybe I never will.  How many more babies do I have to see be born and have birthdays before I get one?  And I don't have anybody that I can just call up and cry to about this because nobody else has gone through this.  And the only thing anybody can ever find to say to me is "It'll happen when it's meant to happen" or some shit like that.  I know I'm ranting, and I know I'm being selfish, and I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but right now I am so very sad.  It's pathetic actually, even my dog keeps coming up and putting his head in my lap because he doesn't understand why I'm crying, which makes me cry even more because it's sweet.  Fuck.  Just... fuck.

Anyway, I'm done making a fool of myself.  Ending this here.  Lots of luck, everybody.  

What a day! What a lovely day!

I already posted once today, but this deserves its own blog.

Today, our post-wash iui numbers were excellent.  Yes, that's the word the nurse used.  Excellent.  I could have cried at how exciting that was -- I'm sure the estrodiol has nothing to do with that.  ;)  Pre-wash motility was just under 40%, which is the best SA we've ever had.  So I didn't quite understand previously, but when they document post-wash motility, it is not a percentage but a total number of motile sperm.  Apparently they prefer to see this number at 10 million or above for an iui cycle.  Last cycle, the sample had 4 million motile sperm, but we knew there was a motility issue, and they went ahead with the iui anyway.  But for this iui we had, *drumroll please*, 13 million motile sperm.  THIRTEEN MILLION SWIMMERS.  Do you understand the almost crying part, now?  I asked the nurse about three times to confirm that this was good.  Not good -- great.  Now I'm just praying beyond praying that the estradiol does its job to get the lining where it needs to be (they seem quite confident that it will) and praying that the big follicle (and maybe even some of the runners up, too) are going to meet one of those thirteen million!  Eeeeeeeee!  I am hopeful but not excessively so.  I am relaxed and upbeat (thanks, estrogen pills), and in two weeks I am hoping that I finally -- FINALLY -- see two lines.  I'm due to test the day before Halloween, and I need that witch AF to fall off her broomstick and give my little pumpkin a chance.  ;)  The wait begins tomorrow!

I've been missing some familiar faces around here.  I hope things are going okay in your camps.  Best of luck to you all.   

Perfect Storm of HCG and Estrogen

Last tww I had an issue with gas and I suspected it was due to the trigger. I'm gonna go ahead and confirm my suspicions, because I'm one day past trigger and it has (unfortunately) begun again! Ick!

On the plus side, I'm loving Estrace. I haven't felt this upbeat and normal since I started letrozole in August!!! Hopefully it's also doing its job with the lining.

Fingers crossed!

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