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spazzle's blog

Oh hello there 7dpo!

The fact that I'm not great at math in my head combined with the fact I thought today was Monday means I was pleasantly surprised to open FF and discover I'm 7dpo! (I had convinced myself it was only 5 or 6, haha.)

I don't really have anything exciting going on. :( The crazy cm on 3dpo has turned pretty standard, and yesterday I had sore bbs but I think it was just a fluke. I know symptoms aren't everything (and can often, in my case, be nothing), but I really wish I had something. Some glimmer. Some inkling. But at least there isn't too much longer to go.

How are the rest of you faring?

Unrelated to the tww but more to point of infertility, over the weekend I ran into a pregnant couple I know (who are mutual friends with the other pregnant couple we know, the ones I mentioned who told everyone not to tell us their news because we have been trying for a long time and would be too upset <_< ... jerks). Anyway, I was chatting with them and being really upbeat but I could tell they looked uncomfortable as soon as they saw me. The girl is usually super chatty and she looked at a complete loss for what to say to me, as if she were literally stammering for a topic, and it made me so frickin sad and irritated, because I knew all they were probably thinking about was how they heard from that other couple that I can't get pregnant and reportedly can't be happy for people. I guess it just confirmed my suspicions that our "friends" poisoned the well for us with that entire group when they decided to tell everyone our private business, which was not theirs to tell, and then proceeded to skew said business in a way that made others feel hesitant around us or sorry for us or something. I hope that their encounter with me at least showed them I'm not some evil, crazy infertile. Maybe at least the next time they're all gossiping about poor childless me, this couple can attest to how "normal" I seemed. Even just seeing this all typed out, I'm shaking my head at how ridiculous it is. Some people suck!

Anyway! *swats negativity away* May you enjoy your holidays, whichever of those you celebrate and however you may celebrate them. Wishing you all things merry & bright. :)

Lots of Watery CM at 3dpo

I know that cm isn't 100% reliable, just like those pesky cervical positions, bb changes, etc., but I've had a few big rushes of watery cm today, which is pretty weird since I'm post O (confirmed with opk and u/s). It's that big gush feeling like you've started AF or something, which I do get with cm sometimes right before AF, but I'm a ways off from that currently. Any insight? Just a fluke? Only 11 days until confirmation I guess... haha. 

Update: I have consulted my endless cycle data and discovered this is more typical of about 7dpo (except those rushes are creamy, not watery). Also, the fact I've been wanting to eat everything in sight and have been tired is typical of 7dpo as well... but of course I know I'm not. Interesting, no?

An Open Letter to the Mods

Finding this site 2.5 years ago was such a stroke of luck.  It has helped me through my ttc journey (and subsequent infertility struggle) in so many ways, not only with being able to share and gather information but connecting with some really wonderful ladies who just get it, which is so valuable during a time that can be very difficult and lonely.  However, over these past couple of years, I have noticed a definite shift in this community due to the amount of spam.  I used to start so many days checking into the blogs just to keep up with fellow ttcers and offer support or advice where it was needed.  Everybody felt connected.  There is still a network here but I notice it has been largely silenced by the massive amount of spam posts.  Even though these get addressed on a daily basis, it is a big deterrent when deciding to post or even to stop by and catch up.  If I decide to log-in in the morning, I'm met with pages of spam instead of individual stories of ttcers.  Posts don't have as much visibility, and users know that, so they seem to be posting less.  I guess I'm bringing this up because I am so sad to see such a great community become silenced by something as ridiculous as spam.  Please consider addressing this in a more permanent way so that what we really come here for -- support, advice, a place to have a voice about ttc -- is more accessible and doesn't get lost under layers of spam.


The User Known as Spazzle

Au Naturale, Baby

My follicle scan for my final (and meds free) iui is on the record book, and it was "just beautiful", according to the tech. My lining was "perfect", and I had a "very pretty" 22mm follicle as well as a 27mm follicle, which I assume may be too big to O by the time tomorrow rolls around because they kind of disregarded it (20 - 27mm is the sweet spot). At any rate this was all excellent news!  It's nice to know my body has my back during this, my last hurrah!  It kind of sucks I wasted two of my three iui cycles struggling with letrozole when I should have just trusted my body but oh well, live and learn! I'm happy, my ovaries are happy, and everything is scheduled for tomorrow. :) Oh, and I'm pretty excited because all this action is on my right ovary, which was the "path of least resistance" during my HSG back in January. Both tubes were open, but I always worried all the swimmers were just using the right tube super speedway instead of dealing with traffic in that slower left tube, lol. At least if that's the case it'll work in my favor this month. Here's to hoping!

Please excuse me while I panic over a pee stick

I'm doing a natural iui this cycle, so I test using opks and call when I get a positive. Sounds super simple, right? I've used opks many times, I know my pattern, but this almost-but-not-quite-positive is freaking me out even though I know it's totally normal! Somebody please put my mind at ease that this is just the prequel to my positive (which I expect tomorrow, right on schedule). Meanwhile, I'm gonna go stalk photo evidence from my blog of progressions of opks past, just for reassurance. And breathe...

The final countdown

I have plans for one final iui in December, and my RE overwhelmingly agreed that this would be a natural iui cycle. He wasn't happy with the super sped up ovulation from letrozole (especially that cycle that my lining couldn't keep up) and suggested no meds before I could even bring it up, which was a huge relief for me. (Would have been nice if he decided that a month ago, but better late than never haha.) He also talked post game, and explained I'm an excellent candidate for ivf if this doesn't work. He said to consider it in the next couple of years, if it's something we want to do, and that it's not outside the realm of possibility that I may get pregnant in the meantime. We have no plans for ivf, but at least we know it's out there in case we win the lotto or something. I'm 9dpo currently, so not too far off from next cycle. Crossing my fingers, but being realistic. Everybody doesn't get to be a grand prize winner, some just have to take the participation trophy and move along.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Despite all these ttc woes, we have plenty to be thankful for.


Grouchy & constipated

Okay, maybe the grouchiness is from working way too much this past week, but the constipation? No idea where that's coming from. I eat muesli for breakfast and that usually keeps my system in tip top shape, but no luck for the past couple of days.  It's No Meds November, so that's not the culprit. I'm 5dpo, though, so all of this may be inconsequential in the scheme of things. 

We're nearing the end of 2015 which means I'm nearing the end of ttc. It's been 2.5 years, and our final iui is going to be in December. We'll either start 2016 with a new pregnancy or as our first ttc free year since 2012. Kind of crazy to think about, but I'm ready. It's time to move on one way or another. We shall see.

I haven't been checking in much, but my best to all of you. :) 

Resident Rain Cloud

I've actually been in great spirits lately and let go of so much negativity, but this weekend tested my resolve and this rant isn't really appropriate anywhere else so here it goes...

I mentioned a few weeks ago that DH & I are friends with a couple who are pregnant. I didn't take the news well because the girl I thought I was close friends with not only did not tell me the news herself, but a few weeks earlier had lied to me and went on a long rant about how they "just weren't at that point in their lives to try for kids" with a "maybe next year" attitude only for me to find out that they had just started trying AND she was at least 8 or 9 weeks pregnant. I didn't even bring up the topic, so I felt (and still feel) 100% betrayed that she would bring it up just to lie to me especially when she was already pregnant. Then I felt like I was denied the opportunity to be excited for her because she just cut me out completely. Anyway, when I reached out to her to express my congratulations, she was kind of short with me, so I haven't reached out again, which brings us to this weekend when she and her boyfriend showed up at an event we had for my dh. Of course we wanted them to come -- they were invited. When she finally started talking with me about it, she used the opportunity to complain about how she has to get up in the middle of the night to pee and how she's thirsty a lot, and at one point she actually said, "You have no idea. Ugh, it's the worst." And all I could manage to say was, "Yup, you're right, I don't have any idea." <_<  Long story short it was super uncomfortable, bc I still felt like she wasn't being genuine with me about anything. So I was telling a friend about how it was handled (or not handled) and she admits to me that she had heard and that the couple specifically told everyone not to tell us early on because they weren't sure how we would take it. I felt like I had been slapped. It was handled badly enough anyway without finding out that everyone had been tiptoeing around, lying to us, and just generally being like "poor pitiful them" about it. I just wanted to scream. Heaven forbid my so called friend just treat me like a person, and tell me the news in an excited way (or at all) so that I could be excited for them. I just feel like the way it was handled has made it impossible for me to participate, and after all the hurt feelings I kind of don't even want to anymore. I have been shoved into my own little corner. I want to tell everyone I'm infertile but I'm not broken, I mean damn... It's not like I can't handle reality or be happy for others.

Anyway. Aside from this bugging me, I've been doing really well. Super healthy, a lot happier than I've been in a long while, meds free. Just living the dream, haha. 

I miss you guys. I hope you're all doing well.

Oh, estrace thickened my lining all right...

TMI warning. Not for the faint of heart.

I was put on estrace / estradiol from my iui until AF because at my ultrasound the lining was only 6.7mm, which they considered thin. I've never had a lining issue before, but of course I wanted a good lining so I took it as directed. Now that AF is here, I am kind of horrified at how thick my lining must have gotten. I use soft cups, so I am quite familiar with what menstrual fluid looks like. My flow right now is so full of tissue that when I went to empty the cup it sort of slopped out in gooey pieces. It didn't even look liquid in the cup. More like thick, dark red ewcm with giant dark red tissue pieces. I'm actually pretty horrified just explaining it here. Thankfully I'm not really in any pain, and the flow isn't much heavier than I'm used to, but oh the horror... I feel like I'm bleeding gunky motor oil or something. :( 

This was my last cycle on meds. I think after the one month break we'll do our next iui as a natural cycle. These meds haven't done us many favors, and the results didn't seem very consistent. Oh well, live and learn. 

Sending you all my best. 

To add insult to injury

I poas this morning and when I wiped after it was brown, and now I have cramps. >_<  The frer was bfn. I'm 12 dpo / iui, and I have the sinking realization that this probably didn't work... again. My last estrace pill is this morning, but they wanted me to take it until Friday, but in my mind what's the point? I'm gonna go buy a whole refill for two days? Only to start AF on Saturday?

I'm sad, and frustrated, and dreading all of this. I'm tired of spending all the money. I'm tired of all the appointments (and disappointments). I just have such a heavy heart right now. I wonder if any of the swimmers even met the egg? I wonder if maybe it just couldn't implant? So many questions, and unfortunately there are no answers.