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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

Life after fertility treatments

I don't know why I'm posting, really. Haha. No more real updates from me. I don't even know that you can call where we are "ttc" at this point.  Dh is taking fertilaid and motility boost, and he's quitting smoking. We're just blindly hoping for a miracle. You read stories like that. Anecdotes about "surprise bfp after failed iuis". I've held onto stories like that for a long time -- "bfp before fertility consult!", "bfp first iui!", "bfp on a break!", but they're the exception, not the rule. I try to keep perspective. I keep imagining that we come into a ridiculously large sum of money and that we can march into the clinic and slap down $14k and be like, "All right, let's do the damn thing." Talk about wishful thinking. Things otherwise are good. Lots of love and happiness in my world, just still trying to come to terms with... everything. Idk how long that takes, exactly, but I'll let you know if I get there.

Always wishing each of you the best.

♡ Spazzle

Stage Two: Anger

I never thought I would be here.  Here, with spotting that signals the imminent arrival of AF after my third failed iui cycle.  Here, with over $3,000 spent this year in my journey to become pregnant.  Here, with no happy end to all of this trying.  Over the past 2.5 years, I've been mostly positive.  I always convinced myself that my bfp was always one step closer, that one day I would be pregnant, and that I would one day laugh at how much time I spent trying to figure out how to make all the pieces come together.  Well, I'm not pregnant, and I'm not laughing, and I am out of reasons to believe that a bfp is in my future.  Even if we managed to scrape up enough money for one more ill-advised iui cycle, I'm just extending the inevitable.  One of these days I'm going to have to accept that I will never be pregnant.

Tonight I've been sitting in bed drinking tons of water (thanks uti) with an antibiotic headache and the utter depression of this whole situation, and I got a text from a friend that's a picture of a positive pregnancy test.  It just seemed so fitting, actually, that I would get a picture like that on the night that I finally realize that the likelihood I'll ever seen two lines on a pregnancy test is slim to none.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of all the hope, and I'm tired of being positive.  People take it all for granted.  I'm surrounded by pregnant women who became so by "surprise" or "accident" or because they think "the time was right for us", and they take it all for granted, and I have to sit around and listen to them yap about how, "Well, this one's a boy but next time I'm sure we'll have a girl", as if you can just plan these things out.  I'm surrounded by people who think they were "meant" to have kids, and they sit there on their little high horses assuming that if I don't have any that I'm just not and that I should just accept it.  I've even had people imply that when couples can't get pregnant or stay pregnant that it's probably because something would be genetically wrong with the baby and that's just nature taking its course.  I have so much hatred for people after ttc.  I even cried on my drive home, because people are so selfish and ignorant and terrible to each other, and because it seems to easy for everybody to dismiss women who are ttc or have suffered loss or are struggling with infertility.  Whether they think it's "God's will" or "why don't you just adopt", it's all demeaning and I would love nothing more than to slap every person who has made this harder on me over the past few years.  I don't care of that's shitty of me.  To clarify, though, the girl who sent me the picture isn't an asshole, and I'm really glad she told me.  Just ironic timing, I guess.

Anyway, this is turning into the blog equivalent of pacing around in angry circles and seething, so I'll save you guys the rest of this since you already know how it goes.  I'll probably have a more logical approach to this eventually but for now this is all I've got.  

In case you need a visual of where I am right now:

11dpo, feeling discouraged

I've been lazing around all day, so maybe once I actually get up and shower and such I'll feel better, but I'm so discouraged with the feeling that I'm headed for AF. :(  I may test tomorrow morning just to settle my feelings about it, but I'm not expecting any miracles. Sigh. 

Oh hello there 7dpo!

The fact that I'm not great at math in my head combined with the fact I thought today was Monday means I was pleasantly surprised to open FF and discover I'm 7dpo! (I had convinced myself it was only 5 or 6, haha.)

I don't really have anything exciting going on. :( The crazy cm on 3dpo has turned pretty standard, and yesterday I had sore bbs but I think it was just a fluke. I know symptoms aren't everything (and can often, in my case, be nothing), but I really wish I had something. Some glimmer. Some inkling. But at least there isn't too much longer to go.

How are the rest of you faring?

Unrelated to the tww but more to point of infertility, over the weekend I ran into a pregnant couple I know (who are mutual friends with the other pregnant couple we know, the ones I mentioned who told everyone not to tell us their news because we have been trying for a long time and would be too upset <_< ... jerks). Anyway, I was chatting with them and being really upbeat but I could tell they looked uncomfortable as soon as they saw me. The girl is usually super chatty and she looked at a complete loss for what to say to me, as if she were literally stammering for a topic, and it made me so frickin sad and irritated, because I knew all they were probably thinking about was how they heard from that other couple that I can't get pregnant and reportedly can't be happy for people. I guess it just confirmed my suspicions that our "friends" poisoned the well for us with that entire group when they decided to tell everyone our private business, which was not theirs to tell, and then proceeded to skew said business in a way that made others feel hesitant around us or sorry for us or something. I hope that their encounter with me at least showed them I'm not some evil, crazy infertile. Maybe at least the next time they're all gossiping about poor childless me, this couple can attest to how "normal" I seemed. Even just seeing this all typed out, I'm shaking my head at how ridiculous it is. Some people suck!

Anyway! *swats negativity away* May you enjoy your holidays, whichever of those you celebrate and however you may celebrate them. Wishing you all things merry & bright. :)

Lots of Watery CM at 3dpo

I know that cm isn't 100% reliable, just like those pesky cervical positions, bb changes, etc., but I've had a few big rushes of watery cm today, which is pretty weird since I'm post O (confirmed with opk and u/s). It's that big gush feeling like you've started AF or something, which I do get with cm sometimes right before AF, but I'm a ways off from that currently. Any insight? Just a fluke? Only 11 days until confirmation I guess... haha. 

Update: I have consulted my endless cycle data and discovered this is more typical of about 7dpo (except those rushes are creamy, not watery). Also, the fact I've been wanting to eat everything in sight and have been tired is typical of 7dpo as well... but of course I know I'm not. Interesting, no?

An Open Letter to the Mods

Finding this site 2.5 years ago was such a stroke of luck.  It has helped me through my ttc journey (and subsequent infertility struggle) in so many ways, not only with being able to share and gather information but connecting with some really wonderful ladies who just get it, which is so valuable during a time that can be very difficult and lonely.  However, over these past couple of years, I have noticed a definite shift in this community due to the amount of spam.  I used to start so many days checking into the blogs just to keep up with fellow ttcers and offer support or advice where it was needed.  Everybody felt connected.  There is still a network here but I notice it has been largely silenced by the massive amount of spam posts.  Even though these get addressed on a daily basis, it is a big deterrent when deciding to post or even to stop by and catch up.  If I decide to log-in in the morning, I'm met with pages of spam instead of individual stories of ttcers.  Posts don't have as much visibility, and users know that, so they seem to be posting less.  I guess I'm bringing this up because I am so sad to see such a great community become silenced by something as ridiculous as spam.  Please consider addressing this in a more permanent way so that what we really come here for -- support, advice, a place to have a voice about ttc -- is more accessible and doesn't get lost under layers of spam.


The User Known as Spazzle

Au Naturale, Baby

My follicle scan for my final (and meds free) iui is on the record book, and it was "just beautiful", according to the tech. My lining was "perfect", and I had a "very pretty" 22mm follicle as well as a 27mm follicle, which I assume may be too big to O by the time tomorrow rolls around because they kind of disregarded it (20 - 27mm is the sweet spot). At any rate this was all excellent news!  It's nice to know my body has my back during this, my last hurrah!  It kind of sucks I wasted two of my three iui cycles struggling with letrozole when I should have just trusted my body but oh well, live and learn! I'm happy, my ovaries are happy, and everything is scheduled for tomorrow. :) Oh, and I'm pretty excited because all this action is on my right ovary, which was the "path of least resistance" during my HSG back in January. Both tubes were open, but I always worried all the swimmers were just using the right tube super speedway instead of dealing with traffic in that slower left tube, lol. At least if that's the case it'll work in my favor this month. Here's to hoping!

Please excuse me while I panic over a pee stick

I'm doing a natural iui this cycle, so I test using opks and call when I get a positive. Sounds super simple, right? I've used opks many times, I know my pattern, but this almost-but-not-quite-positive is freaking me out even though I know it's totally normal! Somebody please put my mind at ease that this is just the prequel to my positive (which I expect tomorrow, right on schedule). Meanwhile, I'm gonna go stalk photo evidence from my blog of progressions of opks past, just for reassurance. And breathe...

The final countdown

I have plans for one final iui in December, and my RE overwhelmingly agreed that this would be a natural iui cycle. He wasn't happy with the super sped up ovulation from letrozole (especially that cycle that my lining couldn't keep up) and suggested no meds before I could even bring it up, which was a huge relief for me. (Would have been nice if he decided that a month ago, but better late than never haha.) He also talked post game, and explained I'm an excellent candidate for ivf if this doesn't work. He said to consider it in the next couple of years, if it's something we want to do, and that it's not outside the realm of possibility that I may get pregnant in the meantime. We have no plans for ivf, but at least we know it's out there in case we win the lotto or something. I'm 9dpo currently, so not too far off from next cycle. Crossing my fingers, but being realistic. Everybody doesn't get to be a grand prize winner, some just have to take the participation trophy and move along.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Despite all these ttc woes, we have plenty to be thankful for.


Grouchy & constipated

Okay, maybe the grouchiness is from working way too much this past week, but the constipation? No idea where that's coming from. I eat muesli for breakfast and that usually keeps my system in tip top shape, but no luck for the past couple of days.  It's No Meds November, so that's not the culprit. I'm 5dpo, though, so all of this may be inconsequential in the scheme of things. 

We're nearing the end of 2015 which means I'm nearing the end of ttc. It's been 2.5 years, and our final iui is going to be in December. We'll either start 2016 with a new pregnancy or as our first ttc free year since 2012. Kind of crazy to think about, but I'm ready. It's time to move on one way or another. We shall see.

I haven't been checking in much, but my best to all of you. :)