I never thought I would be here. Here, with spotting that signals the imminent arrival of AF after my third failed iui cycle. Here, with over $3,000 spent this year in my journey to become pregnant. Here, with no happy end to all of this trying. Over the past 2.5 years, I've been mostly positive. I always convinced myself that my bfp was always one step closer, that one day I would be pregnant, and that I would one day laugh at how much time I spent trying to figure out how to make all the pieces come together. Well, I'm not pregnant, and I'm not laughing, and I am out of reasons to believe that a bfp is in my future. Even if we managed to scrape up enough money for one more ill-advised iui cycle, I'm just extending the inevitable. One of these days I'm going to have to accept that I will never be pregnant.
Tonight I've been sitting in bed drinking tons of water (thanks uti) with an antibiotic headache and the utter depression of this whole situation, and I got a text from a friend that's a picture of a positive pregnancy test. It just seemed so fitting, actually, that I would get a picture like that on the night that I finally realize that the likelihood I'll ever seen two lines on a pregnancy test is slim to none. I'm just tired. I'm tired of all the hope, and I'm tired of being positive. People take it all for granted. I'm surrounded by pregnant women who became so by "surprise" or "accident" or because they think "the time was right for us", and they take it all for granted, and I have to sit around and listen to them yap about how, "Well, this one's a boy but next time I'm sure we'll have a girl", as if you can just plan these things out. I'm surrounded by people who think they were "meant" to have kids, and they sit there on their little high horses assuming that if I don't have any that I'm just not and that I should just accept it. I've even had people imply that when couples can't get pregnant or stay pregnant that it's probably because something would be genetically wrong with the baby and that's just nature taking its course. I have so much hatred for people after ttc. I even cried on my drive home, because people are so selfish and ignorant and terrible to each other, and because it seems to easy for everybody to dismiss women who are ttc or have suffered loss or are struggling with infertility. Whether they think it's "God's will" or "why don't you just adopt", it's all demeaning and I would love nothing more than to slap every person who has made this harder on me over the past few years. I don't care of that's shitty of me. To clarify, though, the girl who sent me the picture isn't an asshole, and I'm really glad she told me. Just ironic timing, I guess.
Anyway, this is turning into the blog equivalent of pacing around in angry circles and seething, so I'll save you guys the rest of this since you already know how it goes. I'll probably have a more logical approach to this eventually but for now this is all I've got.
In case you need a visual of where I am right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY