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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

I've got a good feeling about this.

I have decided to embrace the positive this cycle. Things have gone well, and I feel like we have a good shot. I have finally (officially) moved beyond symptom spotting -- only took me 27 cycles. ;) I have my test date on the calendar, and here are some fun and exciting things to consider if I get a bfp that day:

I would be 12 weeks exactly on Christmas day, which would fit perfectly into the way that dh & I have always said we wanted to do grandparents' gifts to announce to our families. We would do gifts  regardless, but at least ppl expect to receive gifts on Christmas so it would preserve the surprise until the last moment, which would be nice. 

A bfp this cycle (considering, of course, a happy & healthy 9 months) would have an EDD of July 7th, which is the birthday of one of our pets, which I found funny when it popped up in the calculator (based on my iui / ovulation date). Seven seven! Hehe.

Of course, I would take any bfp at any time regardless of funny little coincidences like these, and I realize that this may not be my cycle so I wouldn't get an xmas announcement to our families nor a seven seven due date, BUT it's keeping me positive, which is more than I can say for symptom spotting or chart stalking.

Wishing you all my best. 

P.s. What's up with the blogs being total Spam-a-lot lately??  Makes it hard to keep up with the actual ttcers. I wish they'd get it resolved. Hint hint, to any mods reading. :)

If this is a test of character, I fail.

I just found out through my DH that two of our close friends are pregnant.  I feel like I've been kicked in the gut, not only because their attitude about it is "we weren't trying and this isn't great timing but oh well, whatever" but also because I'm finding out about this secondhand.  I was kind of surprised that she didn't tell me (she was in my bridal party when I got married, and I'm supposed to be in her wedding next summer, to put it in perspective), so I was checking my phone to see if maybe she was secretly pregnant last time I saw her and she just didn't mention it or what -- and then I see that a couple of weeks ago she texted me asking what my ogbyn's name is because she knew I recommended her and she wanted to find an actual doctor instead of just continuing to go to PP.  I didn't think anything of it.  I actually wasn't terribly upset until I saw that.  I know I'll sound like a petulant child when I say this, but I'm supposed to be the one going to my awesome doctor for a pregnancy.  Instead, I'm over here eating soup because my stomach is sour from all the fucking fertility meds I'm taking.  Instead, I've spent over $2,000 to date this year trying to get pregnant.  I mean, good for them.  I'm sure they're going to adore parenthood.  It's not that I suffer from any delusion that the world is fair, and I'm breaking one of my cardinal rules of ttc (don't compare your journey to others) even as I write this.  But I don't care.  Trying to get pregnant has been the shittiest, loneliest, most heartbreaking time I've ever had in my life.  I've had to do things that most people will never do, and I still have nothing to show for it.  And maybe I never will.  How many more babies do I have to see be born and have birthdays before I get one?  And I don't have anybody that I can just call up and cry to about this because nobody else has gone through this.  And the only thing anybody can ever find to say to me is "It'll happen when it's meant to happen" or some shit like that.  I know I'm ranting, and I know I'm being selfish, and I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but right now I am so very sad.  It's pathetic actually, even my dog keeps coming up and putting his head in my lap because he doesn't understand why I'm crying, which makes me cry even more because it's sweet.  Fuck.  Just... fuck.

Anyway, I'm done making a fool of myself.  Ending this here.  Lots of luck, everybody.  

What a day! What a lovely day!

I already posted once today, but this deserves its own blog.

Today, our post-wash iui numbers were excellent.  Yes, that's the word the nurse used.  Excellent.  I could have cried at how exciting that was -- I'm sure the estrodiol has nothing to do with that.  ;)  Pre-wash motility was just under 40%, which is the best SA we've ever had.  So I didn't quite understand previously, but when they document post-wash motility, it is not a percentage but a total number of motile sperm.  Apparently they prefer to see this number at 10 million or above for an iui cycle.  Last cycle, the sample had 4 million motile sperm, but we knew there was a motility issue, and they went ahead with the iui anyway.  But for this iui we had, *drumroll please*, 13 million motile sperm.  THIRTEEN MILLION SWIMMERS.  Do you understand the almost crying part, now?  I asked the nurse about three times to confirm that this was good.  Not good -- great.  Now I'm just praying beyond praying that the estradiol does its job to get the lining where it needs to be (they seem quite confident that it will) and praying that the big follicle (and maybe even some of the runners up, too) are going to meet one of those thirteen million!  Eeeeeeeee!  I am hopeful but not excessively so.  I am relaxed and upbeat (thanks, estrogen pills), and in two weeks I am hoping that I finally -- FINALLY -- see two lines.  I'm due to test the day before Halloween, and I need that witch AF to fall off her broomstick and give my little pumpkin a chance.  ;)  The wait begins tomorrow!

I've been missing some familiar faces around here.  I hope things are going okay in your camps.  Best of luck to you all.   

Perfect Storm of HCG and Estrogen

Last tww I had an issue with gas and I suspected it was due to the trigger. I'm gonna go ahead and confirm my suspicions, because I'm one day past trigger and it has (unfortunately) begun again! Ick!

On the plus side, I'm loving Estrace. I haven't felt this upbeat and normal since I started letrozole in August!!! Hopefully it's also doing its job with the lining.

Fingers crossed!

Feeling like a Walking Pharmacy

Despite earlier extenuating circumstances that made this month seem like a no-go, here I am for another installment of my never-ending ttc saga.  Sticking with the same plan as last time (with a few hiccups), here's the rundown of what's going on with me:

CD 3 - 7: Femara/letrozole 2.5mg for superovulation

CD 11: Ultrasound showed multiple follicles (17mm, 15mm, 15mm, two other smaller ones), but my lining was considered thin at 6.7mm

CD 11 p.m.: Start Estrace/estradiol twice a day for two weeks to thicken and support lining

*I am currently here*

CD 12 a.m.: Ovidrel trigger injection (to be self-administered -- yikes)

CD 13: IUI scheduled

CD 14 - 27: Infinite waiting

I have never had issues with my lining before (normally the techs talk about how "beautiful" it is), so that was a bit of a curve ball, and I have my concerns about adding yet another prescription hormone, but this is my last medicated cycle before my clinic will require a month's break, so I figured why not give the doctors the benefit of the doubt.  Presumably they do this all the time and know what they're doing -- I mean, they are the medical professionals.  I'm ready for my bfp or a break, though.  These meds have not been fun, and I would kind of like to have my sex drive back.  Here's to hoping!  AF is due on Halloween.  Trick or treat... hahaha.

I would appreciate any similar experience, wisdom, or well wishes.  Sending you all my best.

 

Ttc break

Due to personal reasons beyond my control, I'm not doing meds and iui this cycle. Maybe I can pick up again in the future when things settle. Just wanted to give a temporary goodbye, as I prob won't be around this month. Best of luck to you guys always. 

Wishful Thinking with a Bad Case of Line Eye

I'm a little embarrassed to even be posting this because a) I'm 99.99% sure it's bfn, b) it was after a two and a half hour hold, and c) I could only think I halfway saw it in person but don't really think I see anything in the pic. :/ Sigh. It's 12dpiui. Will test again in the morning. 

Bfp Dreamin'

I had a dream last night that I took a pregnancy test, but the screen was digital like a tablet or a phone. At first there were two clear lines, but then the view kept switching to different bfps, and it turns out that the test screen was playing a video of all the bfps I've seen here. Usernames I recognized were listed above the bfps, and they played like a slideshow. This made me feel a little discouraged, like that the first bfp I saw wasn't mine, but then the screen morphed into a bunch of exciting colors like sparklers and confetti and it said "BFP FINALLY!!! CONGRATULATIONS!" And that one was mine, and I was so overjoyed. Then it faded out and the video was over and I went scrambling for another test so I could see the two lines again, lol. But man that feeling to see the positive news I've been waiting for...

I'm 10dpo/iui, and I didn't have any tests so I didn't test bright and early this morning when I got up for work. I suppose we'll see how the next few days go. Dh has been telling me that he's been having dreams and seeing our daughter and that she's blonde (like most small kids in our families, so highly plausible). It was funny because yesterday during my post-yoga meditation, I imagined myself in a garden that was only filled with happy things, and one by one the happy things appeared in the garden with me, and then she was there, and I feel like she looked how he described her. And I asked her how much longer, and she touched a finger to her nose like she was being funny or making a promise and said, "Not much longer, momma." And I just felt uplifted and I had this huge smile on my face. (Idk if you've ever meditated, but it's really interesting the things your mind does. I've been listening to a new positive energy meditation track, and I think it has made all the difference!) Anyway, that was a long walk thru my subconscious, haha. Probably not actual signs but happy thoughts couldn't hurt.

Still very gassy (and of course it smells... ick.)  And as of yesterday, constipated on top of that. Totally can't win in the gastrointestinal department.

Five days until AF or not... FX.

Killer Gas Pains (5dpo/dpiui)

Yup, I am the TMI queen tonight. But seriously -- is terrible gas pain an issue with the hcg trigger shot? It's the only thing I can think that has caused this level of discomfort. I had a bad episode of it at 1dpo/dpiui, which turned into diarrhea and burping until I finally didn't feel like I was dying. Now tonight right after dinner a similar episode (minus the trip to the bathroom). It's like a doubled over, stomach might explode pain, punctuated with epic burps.  I've been generally bloated since the trigger so maybe this is also a side effect. If anyone can offer personal experience I might feel less nuts, haha. I have felt fine in between, so I don't suspect a virus or infection or anything. Bah.

Anyway, too much going on in personal life so I haven't had much time to dwell on the iui. I'm feeling surprisingly whatever about it at this point. Give it a few days, and I'm sure I'll be batty again. 

Hope your wait is going better than mine! :)

Looking for my happy place at 2dpiui / 2dpo

I'm trying hard to stay level. My head is a jumble of hcg hormones, data from the iui, and the tww itself, not to mention regular life struggles. On one hand, this is the best shot we've arguably ever had. On the other hand, this is one of the three "best shots" that we'll have... It just feels like the fourth quarter and everybody in the crowd is holding his/her breath just praying for some miracle play or something. This tww is probably the hardest I've ever had in 2+ years for that reason.

I'm trying to open myself up to positivity.  I'm working out, meditating, getting my house in order, and I bought a nice red wine that I plan to have a glass of in a bit. (Note to anyone having judgey thoughts: My doc said wine is fine in moderation.) I am trying to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have. Given our situation, the RE said he feels like every iui cycle will give us about a 30% chance of success, but that our natural cycles were really only about a 5% chance, so that alone should make me feel good. Mind you, our natural cycles didn't cost an arm and a leg, but I digress.

I guess I just wanted to vent and organize the chaos of my thoughts. This *could* work, and I should be thinking happy thoughts. Happy egg, happy sperm, happy uterus, happy Spazzle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

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