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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

Wishful Thinking with a Bad Case of Line Eye

I'm a little embarrassed to even be posting this because a) I'm 99.99% sure it's bfn, b) it was after a two and a half hour hold, and c) I could only think I halfway saw it in person but don't really think I see anything in the pic. :/ Sigh. It's 12dpiui. Will test again in the morning. 

Bfp Dreamin'

I had a dream last night that I took a pregnancy test, but the screen was digital like a tablet or a phone. At first there were two clear lines, but then the view kept switching to different bfps, and it turns out that the test screen was playing a video of all the bfps I've seen here. Usernames I recognized were listed above the bfps, and they played like a slideshow. This made me feel a little discouraged, like that the first bfp I saw wasn't mine, but then the screen morphed into a bunch of exciting colors like sparklers and confetti and it said "BFP FINALLY!!! CONGRATULATIONS!" And that one was mine, and I was so overjoyed. Then it faded out and the video was over and I went scrambling for another test so I could see the two lines again, lol. But man that feeling to see the positive news I've been waiting for...

I'm 10dpo/iui, and I didn't have any tests so I didn't test bright and early this morning when I got up for work. I suppose we'll see how the next few days go. Dh has been telling me that he's been having dreams and seeing our daughter and that she's blonde (like most small kids in our families, so highly plausible). It was funny because yesterday during my post-yoga meditation, I imagined myself in a garden that was only filled with happy things, and one by one the happy things appeared in the garden with me, and then she was there, and I feel like she looked how he described her. And I asked her how much longer, and she touched a finger to her nose like she was being funny or making a promise and said, "Not much longer, momma." And I just felt uplifted and I had this huge smile on my face. (Idk if you've ever meditated, but it's really interesting the things your mind does. I've been listening to a new positive energy meditation track, and I think it has made all the difference!) Anyway, that was a long walk thru my subconscious, haha. Probably not actual signs but happy thoughts couldn't hurt.

Still very gassy (and of course it smells... ick.)  And as of yesterday, constipated on top of that. Totally can't win in the gastrointestinal department.

Five days until AF or not... FX.

Killer Gas Pains (5dpo/dpiui)

Yup, I am the TMI queen tonight. But seriously -- is terrible gas pain an issue with the hcg trigger shot? It's the only thing I can think that has caused this level of discomfort. I had a bad episode of it at 1dpo/dpiui, which turned into diarrhea and burping until I finally didn't feel like I was dying. Now tonight right after dinner a similar episode (minus the trip to the bathroom). It's like a doubled over, stomach might explode pain, punctuated with epic burps.  I've been generally bloated since the trigger so maybe this is also a side effect. If anyone can offer personal experience I might feel less nuts, haha. I have felt fine in between, so I don't suspect a virus or infection or anything. Bah.

Anyway, too much going on in personal life so I haven't had much time to dwell on the iui. I'm feeling surprisingly whatever about it at this point. Give it a few days, and I'm sure I'll be batty again. 

Hope your wait is going better than mine! :)

Looking for my happy place at 2dpiui / 2dpo

I'm trying hard to stay level. My head is a jumble of hcg hormones, data from the iui, and the tww itself, not to mention regular life struggles. On one hand, this is the best shot we've arguably ever had. On the other hand, this is one of the three "best shots" that we'll have... It just feels like the fourth quarter and everybody in the crowd is holding his/her breath just praying for some miracle play or something. This tww is probably the hardest I've ever had in 2+ years for that reason.

I'm trying to open myself up to positivity.  I'm working out, meditating, getting my house in order, and I bought a nice red wine that I plan to have a glass of in a bit. (Note to anyone having judgey thoughts: My doc said wine is fine in moderation.) I am trying to remind myself of all the wonderful things I have. Given our situation, the RE said he feels like every iui cycle will give us about a 30% chance of success, but that our natural cycles were really only about a 5% chance, so that alone should make me feel good. Mind you, our natural cycles didn't cost an arm and a leg, but I digress.

I guess I just wanted to vent and organize the chaos of my thoughts. This *could* work, and I should be thinking happy thoughts. Happy egg, happy sperm, happy uterus, happy Spazzle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Tww begins tomorrow!

Yikes, I'm nervous! This tww feels so official, with the iui and trigger and all...

The iui itself was a little uncomfortable but nothing extreme and it was over fairly quickly. They're a little vague with results, I have noticed, but here's the gist of the data behind this cycle: cd 11 showed 23mm follicle, trigger shot, iui 26 hours later, post wash count was roughly 40 million / ml but post wash motility was about 24%, which is about half of what they like to see, however, the nurse did point out that a big part of the journey was completed for them so it's not like they have to swim that far, haha. 

Anyway, I'm not going to get too hung up on the data. This is the best shot we've ever had, and my googling about follicles and motility isn't going to help at all, it's just going to stress me out, so I'm going to stay positive. I'm thinking about doing the pineapple thing to "help" implantation. Couldn't hurt right? I would probably snort baby dust if I thought it would help at this point... :P Haha! 

Anyone joining me for the tww? I need all the good vibes and cycle buddies I can get. Fingers crossed!

Pulled the Trigger!

Finally some good news in my camp! After the ultrasound this morning, a nurse gave me the trigger shot, and our first iui is scheduled for tomorrow!  So it looks like I was right about the early O with Femara after all. :D I unfortunately don't have a lot of info about my follicles -- I think they had a talk with that tech about telling patients things like "no, it doesn't look like you already ovulated", bc she wasn't super descriptive or talkative -- so I have no hard data, but I plan to get the exact numbers tomorrow. All I know is my lining looked "great" and my follicles looked "really good". So scientific, right? Lol. I saw her measure two on my right and three on my left,  but of course I don't know how many are big enough (at least one, I suppose, which is what counts). I'm so relieved that this cycle is a go. I went into that appointment with zero expectations, especially since they were hesitant to schedule me "so early" (on cd 11) to begin with, but I am so relieved that everything is on track!!! Crossing my fingers, doing a fertility dance, and hoping all goes well tomorrow! :D

Feeling Antsy

If you think about it, I've been waiting since the second week in August for my first iui (since last cycle was canceled). I feel like one of those characters at the Mario Kart start line and no matter how much you push the go button your little kart doesn't go anywhere until the dino on the cloud waves the GO flag. Anyway, that's me. C'mon, Friday! I'm ready for the RE to be able to wave the GO flag already! 

Also, a quick shout out to my ovaries: I hope you're growing some eggs that'll knock the socks off that ultrasound tech. 


Notes to self

Don't compare your journey to anyone else's. Don't get caught up with "why?", and let go of any idea that the universe hands out bfps based on some sort of merit system. You're a good person, even if you feel a little down about seeing the second pregnancy announcement of the week when you're battling yet another letrozole headache. You have a great life with an amazing soul mate of a husband, and he's your partner, and you're lucky. Things will go okay at the ultrasound on Friday, and even if they don't it will be okay because it's not the end. It's okay to stay in bed and cry if you want; that doesn't make you weak or crazy. It's okay to feel tired of this, it's okay to be scared that the journey will never end. It is all okay. It will be okay. Breathe. Give yourself a break. Smile. Call your husband and remind him that he's the light of your life. Love your body, even if it hasn't grown a baby yet; it is the reason you can see and feel and breathe and touch, the reason you can kiss your loved ones, drive with the windows down, sing along to the radio, snuggle to sleep at night.

Everything is all right. 

My Inner Eeyore

I think it was a long weekend and I'm a little down. With AF starting a day behind schedule, that throws my key days right across a weekend (again), which makes scheduling for everything even trickier. Apparently I'm just bad luck lately. :/

I handled the weekend pretty decently, but I feel like maybe it caught up with me. We were out of town for a wedding and saw lots of dh's extended family, which mainly consists of newlyweds (all married last year) who are all in their very early twenties and all had babies born earlier this year. The most any one couple was married before pregnancy was 6 months. Anyway. I was doing fine until the reception when a distant somebody nudged me to go up for the bouquet toss -- "All the single ladies," she said. I was sitting right next to my husband, so I just told her I was taken, and she persisted, "Single just means unmarried." And I said, "I know. We've been married over three years." And typically this wouldn't have been much of an annoyance except that the reason she seemed to assume we weren't married is because we didn't have a kid with us. She thought I was his girlfriend. Always delightful. Anyway, we had a good time with everyone and the wedding was lovely, but then the day after at a different gathering of mostly the same family everyone started speculating when the next baby would come, and everyone agreed that the new couple (both 21 yrs old) would have one right away. "What's 9 months from now?" someone joked. And it just stung. A lot. I felt like I did a great job of brushing things off all weekend only to find them lurking in the back of my mind once we got home. I'm sad that none of this seems to be working out, and I'm sad that so many people have it so damn easy. But I guess the silver lining is that nobody asked us when we're going to have kids this time. I suppose they either assume we're using all sorts of "sinful" birth control and don't want kids or something, when in truth we're just scheduling lots of "sinful" fertility treatments. (Sarcasm. Sort of.) Regardless, I admit I was grateful not to hear the question. 

Calling today to get things scheduled for this cycle. Hopefully everything is in order. By looking at the dates I'll have to cancel an event I've had planned for months. Oh bother.

Sorry for the ramble.

Long luteal phase... letrozole?

I know I ovulated on cd 13 or earlier, bc I had no follicles on cd 14 and my progesterone on cd 21 indicated a strong O, but today is cd 29.  My lp is always 14 days. I don't have any signs of AF, but I tested bfn on frer this morning. I'm at least 16dpo today. I'm supposed to have progesterone drawn again today. Of course the timing for my next iui just gets worse and worse as AF delays. Bah. I know I'm not considered late until Thursday by RE standards, but this is a bit frustrating. Oh well, que será será.

Anyone have experience with a longer than normal lp on letrozole / femara (no trigger)? I would appreciate any info.