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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

See Spot run. See Spot drive me insane.

Today is day 4 of spotting. At this point I'm just sad and frustrated.  Bfn on frer with fmu. (Wow at the acronyms. A whole sentence of them!) All my bloods and tests came back fine so I'm not sure wtfx up with this:

Cd 23: brown cm in undies in the evening

Cd 24: watery pinkish when wiping, but only on tp and only in the a.m.

Cd 25: stringy brown cm near cervix in morning, on & off watery brownish pink color when wiping

Cd 26 (today): woke up feeling so wet down there that I half thought it was AF. Did a cervix check and got some brownish cm but mostly it's just abundant, watery / slippery clear stuff. Bfn. 

I'm a 28 - 30 day cycle. I need AF to come put me out of my misery, but I seem to have a couple more days of this at the least. I'm just sad and annoyed. I'm ready to start next cycle and I don't like all the AF fanfare. Bah.

Capricorns weren't made for the tww

In many ways, I'm a Capricorn through and through: diligent, hard working, analytical, and logical. Unfortunately, these are all qualities that ensure I will spend every tww trying to collect data, make sense of symptoms, figure out some hidden secret of the reproductive process, and have all my hard work rewarded with a bfp... lol. C'mon, AF! I know you're like 4 - 6 days away, but how can you allow this madness to continue??? 

Anybody else feel like the stars have aligned to make them batty? ;) Good luck to you all. 

Brown Spotting 7 - 9 dpo

Apparently I've been here before, according to my blog. Not a progesterone problem bc I've had it checked. I know brown spotting can happen, and it doesn't happen often for me, but it's still a little frustrating... I hope upon hope that I'm pregnant and that the expensive meds arriving Thursday will go to waste, but after 2+ years I'm a realist. Those 5% odds aren't looking too promising, esp since we didn't time dtd. Blehhhhhh. What cruel trick is this, universe? I'm quite done with games. 

Anyway, just ranting...

if the tww were a marathon, consider this my 13.1

I think I ovulated a little ahead of schedule this cycle, maybe closer to day 14 than 16, but either way I'm at or close to the halfway point for this tww.  My meds for next cycle will arrive this week (woo!).  I've been a little emotional about all of this, because we would never be able to afford / finance ivf, so if iui doesn't work we're effectively out of options.  I keep trying to get in an optimistic mindset. The doctor said that given how long we've been trying, we only have about a 5% chance of it happening naturally every month.  That being said, here's what's going on with me this tww:

Later last week I had a really strange dream that I was full-term pregnant, and I was in a movie theater that was filling with water.  Somehow I took this to mean my water had broken, but when I walked into the lobby of the theater it turned out that I was bleeding profusely, and I passed out.  When I woke up, I was three days post-delivery.  I was so upset.  I had missed the birth, and I didn't even know what to do with the baby.  I tried nursing her, but I couldn't figure out if I was doing it right.  I was so panicked that she was going to starve because of the days that I was unconscious like maybe all of my milk had dried up.  I also kept physically losing the baby and having to find her again.  I would find her the strangest places, like under the recliner.  I think when the dream ended I was holding her and was successfully nursing her, so maybe that is a positive sign.  Overall, it was a really anxious dream.  According to, "To dream that you are breast feeding or nursing symbolizes tenderness, love, nurturance, and motherly love. Good things will be at your grasp."     

I've had pinchy cramps in my lower left pelvic area for the past couple of days, which has coincided with sleep orgasms.  It's not like I'm having especially sexy dreams or anything, so I'm not quite sure what the deal with that is, but the recurrence seems kind of noteworthy so I figured I would include it here.

We made zero effort to time dtd this month, so I'm not getting my hopes up.  Putting all my eggs in the iui basket (haha).  Trying not to be too antsy!  Sending happy thoughts to all you ladies. 


the one fbook pregnancy announcement you won't wanna miss

Came across Mark Zuckerberg's very own fbook pregnancy announcement. It touches on recurrent miscarriage and infertility. It's a refreshing thing to see, especially in a place where I feel like we're so often confronted with announcements that can leave us feeling like lonely, miserable failures. Anyway, if you haven't seen it, take a look. :)

drug deals & dollar pee sticks

I'm coordinating with a mail order pharmacy for my letrozole / ovidrel to make sure I have everything I need for cd 3, which is two weeks away, by my rough calculations. I'm such a spaz about it, seriously. I want cd 1 to hurry up so I can get all of my appointments scheduled and get moving. I feel like having the dates on a calendar will make me feel less like a spaz. 

A little lol from my last doctor visit -- we were discussing opks in the event I didn't decide to do the meds and did a natural cycle iui, and he was talking about how they had this one specific brand of opks and that was the only one I could use for it. Anyway he asked what kind I had been using and I said the dollar ones and he looked floored. He was like, "They actually cost a dollar? And they work???" I was like, "Yeah, I have photographic evidence if you need it." I was just thinking 'clearly he has never been a woman peeing on sticks before'!  :D

Anyway, nothing going on here besides my waiting to see red. It's gonna be a loooooong wait, lol. 

daily affirmation

I am lucky that I have my wonderful husband. I'm lucky we are healthy. I'm lucky we have options to move forward with ttc. No matter what happens, everything will be okay. 

Once More Unto the Breach, Dear Friends

Doctor's proposed plan for next cycle: monitored, medicated (with Letrozole + Ovidrel), first iui.  He indicated that he thinks the medication will double our chances and make things easier to schedule. He also said the risk of twins with letrozole (femara) is 1 in 15, which I know isn't a crazy high percentage but it's notable. He went over all of our recent tests and told me I'm a very healthy woman with excellent ovarian reserve. DH's motility is up some, which was definitely better news than it going the other way, and the doc said that once again his count is high, which is good for us. 

I am crazy overwhelmed: meds, ultrasounds, shots. I just never thought I would be here. I ovulate! Regularly! But once he broke down the increased chances it seems silly to waste a cycle saying no and going natural. Agh. I'm kind of freaking out. He said with my egg reserve we def have time if we wanted to wait, but we don't want to wait anymore, so once more unto the breach, dear friends...

Expecting AF in about two weeks, at which point this whole crazy process can begin. I need this to work. I need to be close to the end of this tunnel. I think when the cycle actually starts I might be excited, but right now I'm just panicked. *deep breath* :/



"Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart." -- Mahatma Ghandi

As I sit here it occurred to me that all my TWWs have really just turned into a TYW (two year wait), and it just keeps dragging on. A

s much as I love our RE, I am on day five of waiting for repeat SA results, which took forever last time too. They keep saying the andrologist hasn't signed off so they can't tell me anything. So, love the RE, hate the Andrologist. Bleh. We have an appointment next week so at the very least we'll get a rundown of everything then. I just didn't want to be blindsided at the appt but whatevs. I've gotta make like TSwift and shake it off. 

Happy Friday, ladies. :) Hope, pray, dance -- do what you gotta do to make it through. And don't lose heart. 

Under Pressure

I feel like a shaken soda bottle with the cap on, and rather than spew all over the place, I figured I would let it out here.  Sort of like how you think a bottle might explode when you open it so you hold it over the sink?  This is me, holding it over the sink.

Hi.  My name is Spazzle.  And I am SO EFFING SICK of talking about my uterus.  :)  I don't mind that some people know that we are ttc, and I don't mind that inevitably some of these people know that we're seeing a specialist.  It's whatever.  I'm not embarrassed about it.  It's not a big secret.  But there is also a lot more to me, and just because I give someone a tiny, vague tidbit about what's going on in my life does not give him/her the right to send me messages like, "I heard (via so-and-so) that you guys are having a procedure done soon?  I forgot to ask how it's been going with your appointments."  I'm just like... when did my uterus become polite conversation?  Oh, you want me to tell you about all the semen analyses and the blood tests and the results of my frickin' transvaginal ultrasound, which was conducted on my period, btw, so just go ahead and get that mental image in there?  I have friends with whom I'm very close and update regularly that do not ask me things like "What procedure are you guys having done?"  Idk if this lady was just trying to satisfy a sick curiosity or if she thought she was being polite -- she recently told me that my husband and I are on her prayer list, because she heard we were having trouble, and I thanked her, and that was that.  She also said very nice things about the clinic where we're going, and that some of her friends had gone there and now had miracle babies.  Great.  Not quite sure how that translates to "give me the play-by-play of all your personal health business" but whatevs.  In another instance recently the topic got brought up with close family, and we ended up kind of filling them in much greater detail than most anyone has been, but that was our choice, and they have not pried about continued updates or anything of that sort.  They've been respectful.  And while I understand that we are important to all of the people in our lives and this is an important thing going on in our lives, I'm just kind of exhausted with ttc, and I'm kind of tired of talking about it.  I guess really I just like to talk about it on my terms, because it's private information.  I have gone on many rants about this in the past, this social phenomenon of women and their lady parts being seen as public property, and while it might sound kind of out there, it makes perfect sense if you think about the way that the second someone is ttc or pregnant, random people (and sometimes total strangers) come out of the woodwork to give you advice or ask you inappropriate questions or, heaven forbid, touch you.  (I'm just gonna go on the record and say that I'm probably going to rock a few worlds when/if I'm pregnant, because for whatever reason people don't know how to treat pregnant women like *people*, sometimes).  But I digress.  I just think about the lady's message and how that if we were say, "just ttc", would she have thought it was appropriate to message me and ask how many times we had sex?, how was my cm?, what positions are we trying this week?  Maybe I'm overreacting.  I responded with a polite but vague, "The appointments are going well.  Hopefully things are headed in the right direction.  Thanks for thinking of us."  But UGH.  Idk.  Not what I needed today.  Because I am TIRED of going to the tests and appointments because I am TIRED of ttc, but of course this is part of it -- we are doomed to try harder than other people, and we are blessed because we have options.  Life is hard, and work is hard, and this isn't supposed to be hard, dammit!  We're supposed to get married and be in love and just BAM have a baby.  Isn't that how people are usually first taught about "where babies come from"?  I mean, who hasn't heard, "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..." blah blah blah.  (Unrelated: I would NEVER tell my kids that version of the truth.  It irritates the hell out of me. I would start with something like, "All creatures on the planet reproduce..." and I don't give a crap if it goes over their heads.  It's all going over their heads anyway.)  You deserve some wine if you have made it this far into my incoherent babbling.  Speaking of wine, yes, I think I'll have some.  I just want to sit on my couch and watch a favorite show and forget about my effing uterus for five effing seconds.  I don't want to think about the next appointment and the appointment after that and what so-and-so wants to know about my appointment.  I want my husband to come home from work and I want to pour him a glass of wine and not have a total breakdown because this is too hard or because this is just the most bizarre place to be and we never thought we'd find ourselves here.  And I know all of this is on his mind too.  You know the other day he told me out of the blue that my clock (meaning my biological clock -- I was worrying about it) is his clock, too, and how we're always in this together?  Sweetest man in the whole world, I swear.  But then sometimes one of us will just break down, because it isn't supposed to be this hard.  But it is.  And we'll deal.  And everything will be okay.  But today, I will have my wine and I will rant about the fact that people suck and I suck at dealing with this some days and I just want one moment to not think about the fact that there are so many people this isn't hard for and how it's not, effing, fair...  

See?  I warned you about the spewing.  Much love to all of you always.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully a day I can get through without anybody asking me anything about my lady parts or all these children I don't already have.