June rolled around, and I realize it was this month two years ago that we decided to ttc. As many of you know, in February of this year, we left ttc and have just left things up to chance, and we don't currently have any plans to return.
Last weekend we were out for a friend's birthday, and a girl we know showed up, six days postpartum. Her baby is in the NICU - doing fine but still not released - and she and her husband needed a distraction from all the sitting, waiting, and stress. I think her children are adorable, and I regularly like their photos on Facebook, etc. The conversation turns to our plans for kids, and she wasn't accepting any of my evasive maneuvers like "we'll see" or "maybe someday". I finally just told her we tried for two years and that's kind of that. Then she asks about treatment options and tells me anecdotes about people she knew "who didn't ovulate regularly" but they got pregnant after two years of trying so of course there's hope for me. She also explains that she was so lucky they didn't have to try much (first month pregnancy for their first, less than three months on their second). Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet girl, but this is one of my big issues with leaving ttc -- everyone seems to think my reproductive decisions are polite conversation, and it puts me in a bad place. Those people have no idea what we went through, nor do they have any right to know. I've also encountered a few women who want to justify their short ttc time to me with phrases like "oh, well we're so lucky it didn't take long because dh was about to turn 35 / leave for basic training / etc." It is great things worked out for them, but they say it as if it *had* to happen that way for them, as if I don't have a good enough reason for the timing to be "perfect" or "now" or even "any time in the past two years". What they should be saying is "we're so lucky to have children". No one ever says this. Everyone I've encountered accepts their motherhood as some sort of given.
I'm not sad about leaving ttc, and I'm certainly not bitter, but the way that I'm treated - subconsciously or not - by people for not being successful and for not actively seeking success has been very difficult to move past. It has left me with a heaviness. It's been wearing on me the past week, and since this is part of my ttc journey, I figured I would leave it all here.
There are definitely positives. My mother was incredible and supportive, for example, when I told her we decided to stop trying. My dh & I have not missed the stress or the tracking or the disappointments - it has been very freeing. We've made some excellent life changes. Our relationship is better than ever. Proof there is life after ttc. ;)
It's just kind of hard to believe that all this began two years ago, lying in bed and watching the sun through the curtains make patterns on the ceiling. It was then that we planted the seed of hope. Two whole years, and we're still waiting for it to bloom.
Thanks for putting up with the rambling of an old ttcer.
Best to you and yours,