Menu Search Account

Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog


"Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart." -- Mahatma Ghandi

As I sit here it occurred to me that all my TWWs have really just turned into a TYW (two year wait), and it just keeps dragging on. A

s much as I love our RE, I am on day five of waiting for repeat SA results, which took forever last time too. They keep saying the andrologist hasn't signed off so they can't tell me anything. So, love the RE, hate the Andrologist. Bleh. We have an appointment next week so at the very least we'll get a rundown of everything then. I just didn't want to be blindsided at the appt but whatevs. I've gotta make like TSwift and shake it off. 

Happy Friday, ladies. :) Hope, pray, dance -- do what you gotta do to make it through. And don't lose heart. 

Under Pressure

I feel like a shaken soda bottle with the cap on, and rather than spew all over the place, I figured I would let it out here.  Sort of like how you think a bottle might explode when you open it so you hold it over the sink?  This is me, holding it over the sink.

Hi.  My name is Spazzle.  And I am SO EFFING SICK of talking about my uterus.  :)  I don't mind that some people know that we are ttc, and I don't mind that inevitably some of these people know that we're seeing a specialist.  It's whatever.  I'm not embarrassed about it.  It's not a big secret.  But there is also a lot more to me, and just because I give someone a tiny, vague tidbit about what's going on in my life does not give him/her the right to send me messages like, "I heard (via so-and-so) that you guys are having a procedure done soon?  I forgot to ask how it's been going with your appointments."  I'm just like... when did my uterus become polite conversation?  Oh, you want me to tell you about all the semen analyses and the blood tests and the results of my frickin' transvaginal ultrasound, which was conducted on my period, btw, so just go ahead and get that mental image in there?  I have friends with whom I'm very close and update regularly that do not ask me things like "What procedure are you guys having done?"  Idk if this lady was just trying to satisfy a sick curiosity or if she thought she was being polite -- she recently told me that my husband and I are on her prayer list, because she heard we were having trouble, and I thanked her, and that was that.  She also said very nice things about the clinic where we're going, and that some of her friends had gone there and now had miracle babies.  Great.  Not quite sure how that translates to "give me the play-by-play of all your personal health business" but whatevs.  In another instance recently the topic got brought up with close family, and we ended up kind of filling them in much greater detail than most anyone has been, but that was our choice, and they have not pried about continued updates or anything of that sort.  They've been respectful.  And while I understand that we are important to all of the people in our lives and this is an important thing going on in our lives, I'm just kind of exhausted with ttc, and I'm kind of tired of talking about it.  I guess really I just like to talk about it on my terms, because it's private information.  I have gone on many rants about this in the past, this social phenomenon of women and their lady parts being seen as public property, and while it might sound kind of out there, it makes perfect sense if you think about the way that the second someone is ttc or pregnant, random people (and sometimes total strangers) come out of the woodwork to give you advice or ask you inappropriate questions or, heaven forbid, touch you.  (I'm just gonna go on the record and say that I'm probably going to rock a few worlds when/if I'm pregnant, because for whatever reason people don't know how to treat pregnant women like *people*, sometimes).  But I digress.  I just think about the lady's message and how that if we were say, "just ttc", would she have thought it was appropriate to message me and ask how many times we had sex?, how was my cm?, what positions are we trying this week?  Maybe I'm overreacting.  I responded with a polite but vague, "The appointments are going well.  Hopefully things are headed in the right direction.  Thanks for thinking of us."  But UGH.  Idk.  Not what I needed today.  Because I am TIRED of going to the tests and appointments because I am TIRED of ttc, but of course this is part of it -- we are doomed to try harder than other people, and we are blessed because we have options.  Life is hard, and work is hard, and this isn't supposed to be hard, dammit!  We're supposed to get married and be in love and just BAM have a baby.  Isn't that how people are usually first taught about "where babies come from"?  I mean, who hasn't heard, "When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much..." blah blah blah.  (Unrelated: I would NEVER tell my kids that version of the truth.  It irritates the hell out of me. I would start with something like, "All creatures on the planet reproduce..." and I don't give a crap if it goes over their heads.  It's all going over their heads anyway.)  You deserve some wine if you have made it this far into my incoherent babbling.  Speaking of wine, yes, I think I'll have some.  I just want to sit on my couch and watch a favorite show and forget about my effing uterus for five effing seconds.  I don't want to think about the next appointment and the appointment after that and what so-and-so wants to know about my appointment.  I want my husband to come home from work and I want to pour him a glass of wine and not have a total breakdown because this is too hard or because this is just the most bizarre place to be and we never thought we'd find ourselves here.  And I know all of this is on his mind too.  You know the other day he told me out of the blue that my clock (meaning my biological clock -- I was worrying about it) is his clock, too, and how we're always in this together?  Sweetest man in the whole world, I swear.  But then sometimes one of us will just break down, because it isn't supposed to be this hard.  But it is.  And we'll deal.  And everything will be okay.  But today, I will have my wine and I will rant about the fact that people suck and I suck at dealing with this some days and I just want one moment to not think about the fact that there are so many people this isn't hard for and how it's not, effing, fair...  

See?  I warned you about the spewing.  Much love to all of you always.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully a day I can get through without anybody asking me anything about my lady parts or all these children I don't already have.


my lovely lady stuff

Today I had my second round of labs drawn in the past two weeks and I had my cd3 transvaginal ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech at the office was great, and she told me that everything looked "just beautiful" on the ultrasound, which I thought was kind of funny but was pretty excited to hear! Plenty of resting follicles, no cysts, etc. I couldn't tell a whole lot from the screen, but she seemed pleased with everything! It was quick and only a little bit of pressure, nothing traumatic. Let's hope the next time I'm in that room is to confirm a pregnancy! 

I think dh is getting a little stressed with the appointments and the waiting. It is stressful, for sure, but we're trying to take it all in stride. One step closer. Hopefully next cycle we will start off with a plan of action and have a fighting chance! I'm so ready to move on from this. Here's to hoping!!!

CD1 Excitement

Sounds like an oxymoron, right?  AF arrived this morning, a little ahead of when my rough calculations had predicted (I'm usually a 30 day cycle, but today's events put last cycle at 28 days, which makes sense, since I had noticed my ewcm started earlier than usual).  I called the doctor's office and scheduled my cd3 vaginal ultrasound and associated blood work.  The requisition for the labs looks nuts: I think they're testing every hormone / antibody they can think of.  I'm excited and nervous.  I am a little horrified they might find something and give me awful news.  What if at 27 my eggs are all shriveled up or something?  But I'm trying to have a little faith.  I have felt like this before every test, and so far everything has come out fine.  

All of this comes with a full spectrum of emotions.  I feel simultaneously excited that I might finally be pregnant soon but terrified that we'll do a bunch of treatments and none of them will work.  I feel like all the waiting might finally pay off but also I have a hard time believing that I will ever get a bfp after all this time.  The pendulum swings: hopeful / terrified, and back again.

Our next appointment is actually scheduled on my predicted ovulation day, which likely means that it will be the end of August before we could complete an IUI, if that is still what the doctor recommends after reviewing this upcoming information.  It seems so far away but I'm trying not to get too caught up in the waiting.  One step at a time.  

Anyway, that's what's going on with me.  I hope you're all keeping sane (and cool.  The heat index is 112 here today. So miserable.)  Sending you strength for the journey.     

10 dpo is my least favorite dpo

I'm crabby, I'm sinusy, my nose is pouring, my bbs are huge and achy, and I'm overwhelmed with baby fever -- must be 10dpo! It's far enough from O to make you feel like the wait is nearing an end but far enough from AF to be annoying. Bleh!

Next week once I finally get AF I have a ton of blood tests and a transvaginal ultrasound to look forward to. (I almost just typed transvaginal orchestra. Tgif...) It's kind of funny to be waiting for AF / tests instead of waiting for a bfp... lol. But always with the waiting, right? 

Happy Friday! 

a greatest hits, of sorts

Yesterday I received an invitation from a former colleague to be a guest contributor on a local non-profit organization's blog. It focuses on, among a few other things, issues surrounding reproductive health. My submission(s) is going to be specific to infertility. It's just an opinion piece.  I thought I would look to some of my past musings here for inspiration. For those who have followed me for a while, which (if any) posts or topics stand out as a favorite? I need guidance, lol. Fertility is a huuuuuge topic, so I need to get focused.

At any rate, I'm pretty excited to become a voice for ttc / fertility struggles in my community!   

One less thing

Yesterday was cd 22, and I had blood drawn to check my progesterone levels. The normal range during the luteal phase is 2.5 -28 ng/ml, and my result was 24.1 ng/ml, so that seems good. (I have a follow up appointment at the end of this month to review this and all of my other upcoming labs with my doctor, but I'm impatient so I pulled my results in advance, lol.) I'm expecting AF next Wednesday at which point I can call and get all of my other labs drawn and complete the ultrasound. But knowing my progesterone is okay is nice. One less thing to worry about, right? 

I am a little under the weather this week. It was only 75* here on the Fourth and it rained all morning but my crazy butt was bound and determined that we were going swimming. The pool was SO COLD. I know that one does not actually get an illness from being cold, but I woke up the next morning with terrible sinus drainage and a very sore throat that has continued. Bleh. I think I'm in a funk as a result, and I really just want to sleep.


Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. :) Somehow 2015 is halfway over. I hope you're making the most of it!

Fertility Consult

Hopefully the stars are aligning for us. I'm happy to report our consult went better than expected. Even after insurance the consult fee was $300. Through a really strange series of events, after we had scheduled the appointment, we were talking with a friend about something totally unrelated and he mentioned his mom worked for a top fertility doctor. He had no idea about our situation, this was totally random conversation. So I got curious and asked which doctor, and it was the one we had scheduled with, so at that point we told him "So weird! We actually have an appointment there and I talked with your mom today and didn't even know it." So he said he would tell her he knew us. She's the office manager, and she waived our consult fee. That's $300 saved! Such a lucky lucky coincidence for all of that to fall together. Anyway, the doc lives up to his reputation. He is professional, personable, and very informative. My husband loved him, which is saying a lot, since he usually doesn't care for doctors. So he scheduled me for blood work next week to confirm ovulation, and I'm supposed to call when I start my next cycle to schedule a second round of blood work and a vaginal ultrasound to evaluate... something with my eggs (so much information in one appointment, so I can't remember the exact terms he used). I'm really lucky that because of my job I get free lab work, so that's another bonus, and the ultrasound is going to be under $100. We're scheduled for a four week return appointment, at which point we're going to review everything and have dh do a repeat SA (doc recommended some things to get motility up, said count and morph were awesome). He also said he doesn't think this is a timing issue, so he said if I wanted to do any opks or cm tracking that I could if it made me feel better, but he said "don't do it for me!"  I haven't been tracking really for a little while bc things are like clockwork with me, but it was really nice for him to say "if you come home from a bad day and don't want to have sex, just do it the next day or something. I really don't think timing is your issue." Idk, that just put me at ease sort of. He outlined basic iui and ivf just to give us an overview, and reminded us that we can go as slowly as we want or be as aggressive as we want - it's all up to us.

SO!  Successful first visit. Lots of things to come, but it's kind of nice to be on track. 

Hope you're all doing well! 

A New Chapter in This Never-Ending Story

Did you miss me? ;)

Let me re-introduce myself. I'm back after a 4-month hiatus from ttc. My husband and I started ttc in July 2013 -- yup, that's two long years, most of which has been chronicled here in my blog. We've had preliminary testing (normal HSG, normal cycles/ovulation, low motility for DH at 27%). Back in February we decided there was no point ttc if we weren't seeing a specialist (RE), which we did not want to do at the time, for many reasons. Maybe the departure did us some good, because now we're back on the wagon, and our (very expensive) consultation with the RE to evaluate our options is in two weeks. 

We're leaving behind chapter 1, which consists of 23 failed cycles and lots of confusion, anger, and hope. There is a point at which all of the failed months stack up and the odds do not seem in your favor.  It's hard to get past. At some point you have to turn the page.



Chapter 2 is distinctly different, though, because it is the chapter of taking action, plotting a course, and hoping (albeit more realistically than in the past). No more counting up past cycles. What's done is done - those numbers aren't going to help me here. The thing about chapter 2 is that you don't look back; only forward. 



So here's to being back and looking forward, ladies.


♡ Spazzle

Poisoned with Hope: 10(ish) dpo

Only four days left, according to FF, which kind of has me down to a science after two years of data. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen here - some sort of miracle? 

Mr. Spazzle's strange prediction on 4dpo, followed by a "for your growing family" membership in the mail on 5dpo, poisoned me with hope. Some other strange things have happened also: one of my MILs showed me some pregnancy and newborn photo ideas on 7dpo, "for when the time comes", she said. I suppose I have had had some "symptoms", but when have I not, so I won't even add insult to injury by listing them here. Oh, except that yesterday when I laid down to take what turned into a 4hr nap, I became convinced I smelled like play doh, which is apparently some sort of pregnancy pheromone wives tale? See, I told you. Poisoned. 

ANYWAY. This has always been a place to leave my crazy, so I figured I would do that so I can get on with my life. I hope you're all doing well. :)

♡ Spazz