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spazzle's blog

CD1 Excitement

Sounds like an oxymoron, right?  AF arrived this morning, a little ahead of when my rough calculations had predicted (I'm usually a 30 day cycle, but today's events put last cycle at 28 days, which makes sense, since I had noticed my ewcm started earlier than usual).  I called the doctor's office and scheduled my cd3 vaginal ultrasound and associated blood work.  The requisition for the labs looks nuts: I think they're testing every hormone / antibody they can think of.  I'm excited and nervous.  I am a little horrified they might find something and give me awful news.  What if at 27 my eggs are all shriveled up or something?  But I'm trying to have a little faith.  I have felt like this before every test, and so far everything has come out fine.  

All of this comes with a full spectrum of emotions.  I feel simultaneously excited that I might finally be pregnant soon but terrified that we'll do a bunch of treatments and none of them will work.  I feel like all the waiting might finally pay off but also I have a hard time believing that I will ever get a bfp after all this time.  The pendulum swings: hopeful / terrified, and back again.

Our next appointment is actually scheduled on my predicted ovulation day, which likely means that it will be the end of August before we could complete an IUI, if that is still what the doctor recommends after reviewing this upcoming information.  It seems so far away but I'm trying not to get too caught up in the waiting.  One step at a time.  

Anyway, that's what's going on with me.  I hope you're all keeping sane (and cool.  The heat index is 112 here today. So miserable.)  Sending you strength for the journey.     

10 dpo is my least favorite dpo

I'm crabby, I'm sinusy, my nose is pouring, my bbs are huge and achy, and I'm overwhelmed with baby fever -- must be 10dpo! It's far enough from O to make you feel like the wait is nearing an end but far enough from AF to be annoying. Bleh!

Next week once I finally get AF I have a ton of blood tests and a transvaginal ultrasound to look forward to. (I almost just typed transvaginal orchestra. Tgif...) It's kind of funny to be waiting for AF / tests instead of waiting for a bfp... lol. But always with the waiting, right? 

Happy Friday! 

a greatest hits, of sorts

Yesterday I received an invitation from a former colleague to be a guest contributor on a local non-profit organization's blog. It focuses on, among a few other things, issues surrounding reproductive health. My submission(s) is going to be specific to infertility. It's just an opinion piece.  I thought I would look to some of my past musings here for inspiration. For those who have followed me for a while, which (if any) posts or topics stand out as a favorite? I need guidance, lol. Fertility is a huuuuuge topic, so I need to get focused.

At any rate, I'm pretty excited to become a voice for ttc / fertility struggles in my community!   

One less thing

Yesterday was cd 22, and I had blood drawn to check my progesterone levels. The normal range during the luteal phase is 2.5 -28 ng/ml, and my result was 24.1 ng/ml, so that seems good. (I have a follow up appointment at the end of this month to review this and all of my other upcoming labs with my doctor, but I'm impatient so I pulled my results in advance, lol.) I'm expecting AF next Wednesday at which point I can call and get all of my other labs drawn and complete the ultrasound. But knowing my progesterone is okay is nice. One less thing to worry about, right? 

I am a little under the weather this week. It was only 75* here on the Fourth and it rained all morning but my crazy butt was bound and determined that we were going swimming. The pool was SO COLD. I know that one does not actually get an illness from being cold, but I woke up the next morning with terrible sinus drainage and a very sore throat that has continued. Bleh. I think I'm in a funk as a result, and I really just want to sleep.

 

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well. :) Somehow 2015 is halfway over. I hope you're making the most of it!

Fertility Consult

Hopefully the stars are aligning for us. I'm happy to report our consult went better than expected. Even after insurance the consult fee was $300. Through a really strange series of events, after we had scheduled the appointment, we were talking with a friend about something totally unrelated and he mentioned his mom worked for a top fertility doctor. He had no idea about our situation, this was totally random conversation. So I got curious and asked which doctor, and it was the one we had scheduled with, so at that point we told him "So weird! We actually have an appointment there and I talked with your mom today and didn't even know it." So he said he would tell her he knew us. She's the office manager, and she waived our consult fee. That's $300 saved! Such a lucky lucky coincidence for all of that to fall together. Anyway, the doc lives up to his reputation. He is professional, personable, and very informative. My husband loved him, which is saying a lot, since he usually doesn't care for doctors. So he scheduled me for blood work next week to confirm ovulation, and I'm supposed to call when I start my next cycle to schedule a second round of blood work and a vaginal ultrasound to evaluate... something with my eggs (so much information in one appointment, so I can't remember the exact terms he used). I'm really lucky that because of my job I get free lab work, so that's another bonus, and the ultrasound is going to be under $100. We're scheduled for a four week return appointment, at which point we're going to review everything and have dh do a repeat SA (doc recommended some things to get motility up, said count and morph were awesome). He also said he doesn't think this is a timing issue, so he said if I wanted to do any opks or cm tracking that I could if it made me feel better, but he said "don't do it for me!"  I haven't been tracking really for a little while bc things are like clockwork with me, but it was really nice for him to say "if you come home from a bad day and don't want to have sex, just do it the next day or something. I really don't think timing is your issue." Idk, that just put me at ease sort of. He outlined basic iui and ivf just to give us an overview, and reminded us that we can go as slowly as we want or be as aggressive as we want - it's all up to us.

SO!  Successful first visit. Lots of things to come, but it's kind of nice to be on track. 

Hope you're all doing well! 

A New Chapter in This Never-Ending Story

Did you miss me? ;)

Let me re-introduce myself. I'm back after a 4-month hiatus from ttc. My husband and I started ttc in July 2013 -- yup, that's two long years, most of which has been chronicled here in my blog. We've had preliminary testing (normal HSG, normal cycles/ovulation, low motility for DH at 27%). Back in February we decided there was no point ttc if we weren't seeing a specialist (RE), which we did not want to do at the time, for many reasons. Maybe the departure did us some good, because now we're back on the wagon, and our (very expensive) consultation with the RE to evaluate our options is in two weeks. 

We're leaving behind chapter 1, which consists of 23 failed cycles and lots of confusion, anger, and hope. There is a point at which all of the failed months stack up and the odds do not seem in your favor.  It's hard to get past. At some point you have to turn the page.

 

 

Chapter 2 is distinctly different, though, because it is the chapter of taking action, plotting a course, and hoping (albeit more realistically than in the past). No more counting up past cycles. What's done is done - those numbers aren't going to help me here. The thing about chapter 2 is that you don't look back; only forward. 

 

 

So here's to being back and looking forward, ladies.

 

♡ Spazzle

Poisoned with Hope: 10(ish) dpo

Only four days left, according to FF, which kind of has me down to a science after two years of data. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen here - some sort of miracle? 

Mr. Spazzle's strange prediction on 4dpo, followed by a "for your growing family" membership in the mail on 5dpo, poisoned me with hope. Some other strange things have happened also: one of my MILs showed me some pregnancy and newborn photo ideas on 7dpo, "for when the time comes", she said. I suppose I have had had some "symptoms", but when have I not, so I won't even add insult to injury by listing them here. Oh, except that yesterday when I laid down to take what turned into a 4hr nap, I became convinced I smelled like play doh, which is apparently some sort of pregnancy pheromone wives tale? See, I told you. Poisoned. 

ANYWAY. This has always been a place to leave my crazy, so I figured I would do that so I can get on with my life. I hope you're all doing well. :)

♡ Spazz

strange prediction

We were in the car last night and my husband asked me if I am pregnant. Just out of the blue. I said, "No, why? Am I being weird or emotional or something?" And he said, "No, I just have a feeling."

!!!!! ???? !!!!!

He also reminded me not to get my hopes up, that a feeling is just a feeling that could be nothing, and I know he's right, but I can't stop thinking about how bizarre it was. 

Anyway... this is me, not getting my hopes up.  I mean, I'm no fool.  Expecting the red devil on 6/15. But... super strange...

Reflections & Introspections

June rolled around, and I realize it was this month two years ago that we decided to ttc. As many of you know, in February of this year, we left ttc and have just left things up to chance, and we don't currently have any plans to return. 

Last weekend we were out for a friend's birthday, and a girl we know showed up, six days postpartum. Her baby is in the NICU - doing fine but still not released - and she and her husband needed a distraction from all the sitting, waiting, and stress. I think her children are adorable, and I regularly like their photos on Facebook, etc. The conversation turns to our plans for kids, and she wasn't accepting any of my evasive maneuvers like "we'll see" or "maybe someday". I finally just told her we tried for two years and that's kind of that. Then she asks about treatment options and tells me anecdotes about people she knew "who didn't ovulate regularly" but they got pregnant after two years of trying so of course there's hope for me. She also explains that she was so lucky they didn't have to try much (first month pregnancy for their first, less than three months on their second). Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet girl, but this is one of my big issues with leaving ttc -- everyone seems to think my reproductive decisions are polite conversation, and it puts me in a bad place. Those people have no idea what we went through, nor do they have any right to know. I've also encountered a few women who want to justify their short ttc time to me with phrases like "oh, well we're so lucky it didn't take long because dh was about to turn 35 / leave for basic training / etc." It is great things worked out for them, but they say it as if it *had* to happen that way for them, as if I don't have a good enough reason for the timing to be "perfect" or "now" or even "any time in the past two years". What they should be saying is "we're so lucky to have children". No one ever says this. Everyone I've encountered accepts their motherhood as some sort of given. 

I'm not sad about leaving ttc, and I'm certainly not bitter, but the way that I'm treated - subconsciously or not - by people for not being successful and for not actively seeking success has been very difficult to move past. It has left me with a heaviness. It's been wearing on me the past week, and since this is part of my ttc journey, I figured I would leave it all here. 

There are definitely positives. My mother was incredible and supportive, for example, when I told her we decided to stop trying. My dh & I have not missed the stress or the tracking or the disappointments - it has been very freeing. We've made some excellent life changes. Our relationship is better than ever. Proof there is life after ttc. ;)

It's just kind of hard to believe that all this began two years ago, lying in bed and watching the sun through the curtains make patterns on the ceiling. It was then that we planted the seed of hope. Two whole years, and we're still waiting for it to bloom. 

Thanks for putting up with the rambling of an old ttcer. 

Best to you and yours, 

Spazzle

checking in, catching up

I browse posts from time to time but I'm sure I've missed quite a bit from those of you I came to know in my time here. I'm just stopping in to send happy thoughts and lots of strength for the journey. I would love to hear any updates you care to share. :)

♡ Spazzle

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." -- Allen Saunders

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