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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

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Fear, Frustration and the Future .. thoughts?

Hi Friends,

I made this journal entry today and suddenly felt myself feeling all alone. I started to wonder if anyone has been here before, and how you overcame feelings like this? There are a lot of emotions going on here, it starts off with the news of my best friend falling pregnant, followed by a spew of resentment towards my partner and where this relationship is headed. I would really love to hear how you dealt with your frustrations of TTC and the effects it had on your relationship.

Much love xx

 

I can only describe this feeling as a full body assult. It's like I've just been thrown off the ropes by Hulk Hogan and body slammed. Hulk then tag teams with Arnold Schwarzenegger who leans me against the ropes and punches me dead in the chest. This weight on my chest is actually not Arnold. When I feel like I cant breath, I think it's anxiety. It's wierd because in my mind I feel ok, but my body still feels the effects of being body slammed by 2 heavyweight strongmen.

One of my best friends, Jane, called me the other night and told me she was pregnant with Mike. They weren't even trying. I can't explain how amazing this news is because of 2 reasons. One being my resentment towards the universe because it seems everyone around me is falling pregnant. Aquaintances, family, friends, best friends. Sadly, the resentment clouds my mind so I cannot process this information properly. The news just hit that sweet spot of all my insecurities like BAM. They weren't even trying. The second reason being that the news is simply so incredible I'm not ready in my current state of severe self-pity to effectively absorb it for all it's greatness. It's like when you're in a pitch dark room, you open the curtains slightly and you're blinded by the glorious golden blazing sunlight. It's so beautiful, and I see that it's beautiful, but I just can't look at it right now. Give me a couple of days.

I didn't go into work on Thursday because I wasn't feeling well, germs were going around the office. Jane called me that evening and told me the news. I called in sick again Friday. I just didn't want to get out of bed. They weren't even trying.

Please don't misunderstand me, I was screaming for joy on the phone, and I meant it. I am not jealous or mad at her, I'm just mad and incredibly frustrated because of the situation.

My partner Jason and I quit smoking, so I got on the ice cream to ease my pain, and it felt so fucking good. I'm sitting here watching one of my fave comedy movies and I tell you, it's as good as medicine. So nice.

I am by no means playing the blame game....... but, I feel like Jason isn't pulling his weight when it comes to babymaking. I can't do it alone. If I could, it would be done, or I at least would have given it a solid attempt. Jason doesn't have the time. Ever. I am lucky if we try once a month. We didnt try at all June through to September. How can this be the man I spend my life with? If he can't be bothered to have sex with me, how can he possibly contribute to a flourishing, fruitful, lasting relationship? He simply can't. I don't even think he understands he has an actual active role to play in this relationship. He says he wants kids, but he does very little-to-nothing to get the kids. He knows how ovulation works and how important the timing is. My belief that men are critical to a childs rearing is really starting to die on me. I simply cannot foresee it playing out as a partership. I'm so over him right now. Sometimes I flirt with the idea of breaking this off. A bit of context, we have been together 5 years, have been TTC for 2 years, love each other dearly, and have always imagined we would grow old and die together. That sort of relationship. But I feel like I'm reaching that point that I have been at times in the past when I have decided to leave an ex. When he no longer seems to contribute. When my growth in this relationship has stopped, and my personal growth is stunted. When I feel like if I don't leave I will not become the person I want to be, instead I'll become some mediocre bitter housewife with a concave bob.

I thought I knew Jason, but now what I'm starting to see in Jason scares me. Yes he is a good man with a heart of gold, but we are young and still growing. I don't see much development on his behalf. Don't get me wrong yes he has grown, it's funny because sometimes when he speaks you would swear it were my words coming out of his mouth. So yes, he is capable of seeing things from my perspective, but I feel like we've come to a point where my thoughts/ideas/values are getting so far away from him like a steam train and he can't keep up. I am, and always have been, passionate about my views and too often he simply can't understand why I feel so passionately about certain things, and this, my friends, is when men start to zone out. I'm not always right, that's for sure, but I am open minded and forever evolving my views and ideas. This is me and always will be. I used to be embarrased by being this way in a relationship, but then I realised, it's 2018. Please don't get me wrong, I do not give him a hard time, I'm just a very naturally inquisitive person and he is the type that likes to switch his brain off at night (nighttime the bulk of the time of day we have together). It seems like hes growing tired of my conversations and just wants to zone out in front of the TV. I'm not ok with that zone-out thing that men do, not anymore.

Sometimes I say to myself, "I'm asking for too much". That voice used to be incredibly loud. "Just be nice".  "Things could be worse". "Don't be too picky or you might end up alone". Alas, this is a new age and the voices are slowly disappearing. However, I do love him and I do want to stay, but I feel like this relationship is on a one way trip to mediocrity. I don't want to be like 1950's mum and pop!!!

**

After reading this back I realise that leaving my man is NOT what I want. I have just been feeling the frustration extra hard these past few days. How did you guys make it through the disappointment and frustration with your partners?

xx

 

The Bright Side of the TTC Journey

Hi All,

It's been a while since I've posted my musings on here, so here I go.

I've been TTC for 10 cycles. I got my period the other night, after a 33 day cycle. I didn't truly feel any different, but with my cycle a tiny bit longer than usual, there was a glimmer of hope. I felt kinda disappointed, but.. It's a strange feeling actually, hard to articulate. I think a lot of my reaction depends on my hormonal and mental state. If I'm a little on edge, then it could make me incredibly angry/sad/depressed/frustrated etc. But, as time goes on, I think it gets easier. Well, it kind of comes in phases.

The first 7 or so cycles, I reacted with big disappointment because I didn't like the fact that it wasn't happening for us straight away. Then I switched into planning mode. I took my health into my own hands and had the laparoscopy. I've got my partner on Menevit and I'm back on Blackmores Conceive Well. I don't know what effect these vitamins have, but it can't hurt, I don't mind me some folic acid. Four cycles after the lap, we've still had no luck, but I'm still hopeful that it will happen soon, this year. I've had to approach the whole waiting game differently.

The whole experience of TTC has been incredible. I thought the only purpose of the TTC journey was to produce a baby, but it is SO much more!

I have learned that it is not just about conceiving a baby, it is NOT just a means to an end. It's about conceiving the person and mother you want to be. I feel myself growing and changing in this journey. Truly. Like, exponentially. I can no longer just concentrate on egg meets sperm. I just want to be happy and fulfilled now, without baby. 

I would get SO frustrated that I was not pregnant because I always thought to myself, my god, I have so much love to give like I sometimes feel like my heart will explode with all the love I have for this baby. I would think, if I was allowed to have this baby, it would be the most deeply loved baby in the world, and I would do everything I could to enrich her life, help her to grow and be happy, read to her, educate her, teach her to express herself in whatever way her heart desired, and to never be ashamed to do so. Then it hit me, I have always referred to my future baby as a 'her', and all these things I want to give to her, are really just things that I want for myself. So, I have decided to give all this to myself, wholeheartedly. I've decided that at this moment, the only person I need to be giving this to is myself.

I want to fill my own heart with love, art, beauty, joy and good health before the baby comes. I want to be a better person for my baby, I don't just want a cute lump of pooping flesh. I want this baby to have an amazingly happy mother. I don't think there is anything or anyone that could have taught me this other than the TTC journey. I'm actually glad that early 2016-me didnt fall pregnant because I am in such a better place now personally. Since we've been TTC, I've followed my dream of enrolling into writing degree online and have buried myself into life-enriching podcasts and books. I'm just going to say it right now that I'm absolutely addicted to podcasts. Kicking the bad facebook and netflix habit, and getting stuck into great podcasts and books has completely changed my state of mind.

If I can offer any bit of advice to anyone, it is to find better distractions than social media and tv! It sounds plain obvious, but it has been a very slow descent for me into that world, I didnt even realise it until I was addicted. If you are feeling down about TTC, please, google a podcast of any topic of your interest, something that makes your heart sing, and have it on in the background while you are going about your life. Buy a great book, and let it sweep you off your feet. If you hate reading, find whatever it is that fills you with joy. I'm guessing you want have to a full and happy heart by the time baby comes, and you will be more than qualified to teach them to how to find fulfilment within themselves.

I'll sign off by saying that this has been my particular journey, I was forced to face certain things about myself that I needed to improve on. Everyones journey will be different. I just ask that you look within and find what it is makes you happy. If you can't conceive a baby this month, conceive a better you. <3

 

14DPO - Powerful, vivid dream and what it meant for me.

Hello ladies (and potentially, gentlemen)

I decided to write this as I am in the midst of a particularly trying TWW. You know, the kind where all you see is BFN's. I had an incredibly vivid dream last night, and it taught me something, which I think could also mean something to other suffering TWW-ers and TCC-ers in general.

So last night I dreamed I had a baby girl. I was at a party full of all my girfriends by the ocean at the top of a hill. My baby was chasing something which led her to slide down the hill and land in the ocean. I ran behind her but she had slid so quickly that by the time I got there she already swallowed a lot of water and was unconscious. I jumped in the water, but the banks were steep so I couldn't get back out. I kept us afloat and gave her mouth to mouth. After one breath she spit up water but was still unconscious. I was screaming for help as loud as I could until finally, after what seemed like forever, the crowd heard me and shone a spotlight on us. I could see my friend at the top of the hill and she had a look of horror on her face. They pulled us out, and we called the ambulance. I desperately continued mouth to mouth until they arrived and took over. She was unconscious this whole time, and I was praying and crying my heart out, the feeling of desperation was incredibly real. My dog (who we put down last September) was there whole the time the paramedics were working on her. I began to lose hope and briefly stepped out of the room. I went into some random room where other things were going on and people were living their lives like normal, like nothing was happening next door. When I returned I heard her heart beeping on the heart monitor and the feeling of relief was overwhelming!!! She woke up very calmly and looked happy to see me. She wasn't crying and she wasn't afraid. She just smiled warmly and stretched out her arms to me. (I had this overwhelming loving feeling that she was "mine". I don't have any children so this is the closest thing I have felt to being a mother - albeit in a dream!). The paramedic said she had to stay down so I put her back down with all the tubes and stuff stuck to her until it was ok for me to take her. This dream woke me up at 5.30 and the feeling of relief was indescribable.

My initial thought was - I must do a pregnancy test. I waited a few minutes until I needed to go, and went. It was negative.

Then I realised this dream was telling me something else. In the midst of all the horror and feelings of loss, emptiness, despair and complete and utter hopelessness, a miracle had occurred. I suddenly saw in my dream that she loves me too. She on the other hand understands the way of the world and is waiting at ease, until it is her time. She will come to me when it is the will of the universe, god, karma, whatever you want to call it. I can not force, cry or command her into being.

Too many of us despair and put large amounts of stress on ourselves, our bodies, and our minds when we don't see that BFP. I learned that I have to have faith, and know that when the time is right she will come to me, and if not, then I have to find a way to stay strong and be ok. If not for myself then for my partner. Unless you are doing this alone, our partners are also part of this journey and we need to be there for each other 100%. We just have to have faith and know that they will join us one day. I know it's so hard, being ever so eager to have our babies in our bellies now, but they will join this world when it's ready for them.

Somehow I found some comfort in my dream and the message it sent me. I hope it may give some feelings of calm to someone else out there. Sending lots of love and strength to all those beautiful mama's in waiting. The universe works in mysterious ways, do not ever despair or feel forgotten by the baby gods for we are capable of immense love, no matter how we decide to express it - to our biological babies, adopted babies, underpriveledged children, animals, whatever. Our love can be expressed in so many ways, please do not feel broken by BFNs x

TTC Noob

Hello!

I don't expect many to read my blog, I do however think it is a great tool for writing down how my TTC journey goes. I am notorious for not logging important stuff, and I eventually forget. I never even knew a thing about ovulation other than you have sex around that time when you want to make babies (thanks Monica Geller). Pretty sad for a lover of science and medicine and, erm, a woman. I just never knew the specifics. I have vowed if I ever have a daughter she will know exactly what is going on with her lady parts and that it's nothing to be ashamed of - sorry I don't believe in TMI and this is the last time I will use that acronym. Our bodies are capable of absolutely incredible things, miracles, I'm not ashamed of it or my many fluids!

Alrighty then! A little background info. I have been with Anthony for just under 3 years, and I knew he would be my baby daddy very early on. His paternal instinct is something to behold, he takes after his mum who is a real Irish mammy. He's just so nurturing and loving. He was the first man who I have been with that had voluntarily brought up the baby conversation. I had been on the pill on and off since I was 16. I have had acne ever since I hit puberty, the pill was the only thing that worked. I would have intermittent breaks off the pill, usually because I can't be bothered waiting at the doctors office for a script. For this reason I stopped taking the pill in November 2015. Anyway, In January 2016 he mentions he wants to start trying for a baby and says "stay off the pill babe" Ok! Although I always knew I wanted kids, it just always seemed like something that would happen in the distant future, when I'm 'older'. Well considering I am now 31 and Anthony is 33, I think it's time.

Ever since we made the decision, everything changed. I just cannot get it out of my head!!! I am constantly looking at pregnancy apps, forums, articles, even my old biology text books. I just have this compulsion to figure out every minute mechanism of ovulation, fertilisation, conception, implantation, fertility diets, supplements, symptoms and the list goes on. Our first month of trying, wasn't really trying. In February 2016 we just happened to have unprotected sex and let it go. The old 'see what happens' approach. It was not timed at all, in fact, we had sex 2 weeks before my estimated fertile period. There was zero chance but I still fell into the whole symptom spotting trap. I was obsessed! I promised myself I wouldnt be that obsessive again, but alas I am only human. Although the sex was not timed, I did happen to have an uncharacteristically long cycle, 35 days, which kinda had me hoping I have to admit.

Come next cycle I find myself doing it all again. We had sex only once in my fertile period 2 days before ovulation. Ovulation being March 22. I do not temp, chart, etc. I cannot be bothered with all that at this stage. Although I do realise if we want a running chance we do need to up the sexage! Which we will next cycle, it was just a hectic month for us both. I am 99% sure I ovulated as I had left sided pain which lasted several hours on the expected day of ovulation. Next month I will give the opk's a go.

Today I am 11 dpo and symptom spotting like a maniac. Only problem is I hardly have any!

4dpo until now I have had vivid dreams. 3 of those dreams in a row were nightmares, I rarely have scary dreams.

8-9dpo very light cramping.

10-11dpo cramping even lighter, barely there.

No sore boobs, no nausea, no backaches, no funny smells or tastes in my mouth.

I have a confession. I bought a bunch of cheapies from ebay and have been testing every day since 9 dpo haha. Once I tested twice in a day, I just do it to get it out of my system. The last time I tested was this morning, all BFN's of course. I don't want to have hope anymore, just so I can stop thinking about it for a few more weeks.

It's really disheartening. My heart goes out to all those women who have been trying for a long time, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I am getting all anxious after one month. It is only very early days but I cannot help but ask myself - what if I can't do it? What if there is something wrong with either of us? What if it takes years? Will I be able to go through this every month for years and years? Here I go again being all dramatic.

If there is anyone out there experiencing similar worries I'd love to hear from you. Sometimes we just need a buddy to help us along. On this note, I thank you all who have stuck around with my ramblings to the end :)

Love and luck to all you beautful women xxxx