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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Bellami's blog

Newbie! Severe male factor ttc 10 yrs, first IVF is officially in the works! Meds on their way! (I apologize in advance for this being so long, apparently I had a lot to get off my chest lol) *child mentioned

So, I'm not sure where to even begin... Totally new here, but not new at all to ttc. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, and are about to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary, I am 38 years old and have a 20 year old son (yes I said YEAR, and yes I'm aware that that was some easy math, I was 18...) I got my pregnant with my son when I was 17, obviously unplanned but the best thing that ever happen to me! I met my husband when my son was 8 years old, and after a couple of years of him convincing me that he was way more than a friend lol we began dating, fell in some crazy love, and he completed my little family. A couple of years in to our relationship we got engaged and began "not preventing", we felt like if God and fate saw fit for us to add to our family that we would be happy to welcome a new addition! We even began to really want this, however we decided we wouldn't do more than not prevent until after our wedding... flash forward a few months, a few "unintended" two week waits (turns out we started wanting it more and more) and a few pretty intense moments thinking maybe, then a few sad days when "it" came and we started to have questions... My son arrived so unexpected and ummm quickly (my best friend, yes a boy, and I had an emotional night (family drama, we both came from tough homes) and in the heat of the moment slept together, and I got pregnant with my son... while I was on the pill for irregular periods!) I was very focused on my son and supporting us after he was born, I had to live on my own when he was just 6 months old, so I didn't date too much and was extremelyyyy careful because I didn't want to do anything to take from him.... So needless to say I always assumed that if I looked at a guy too long I might get pregnant lol! I honestly figured when my husband and I stopped preventing that it would just be a matter of time before I was pregnant, we both thought that, knowing my story. So like I was saying, flash forward some months and we started to get worried, my hubby even more so, after all I had already had a child... then we began to truly try, but only for a few months because my husband started getting so sad, blaming himself, having a hard time talking about it... we went on for some years just "not preventing", each of us secretly trying, and secretly being sad over and over again. Sometimes we would talk about it, but he said he couldn't handle hearing he couldn't have kids so he shot down getting help, and I didn't push... after all I had son... We both wavered between believing it would happen when it's meant to, convincing ourselves we didn't want kids, to debating adoption and everything in between, all the while our family constantly asking us why we haven't had kids, when we are going to try to have kids, etc... WE DID THAT THING WHERE YOU PRETEND IT'S JUST NOT THE RIGHT TIME AND HOPE THEY SHUT UP... Then one day a couple of years ago it happened! My husband said he wanted us to see a fertility specialist!! And lol off I went!! All the while tucking away all the "you don't want another kid" mantras I told myself to avoid feeling sad, and let myself get excited again!! Someone can help us!! So the day came, we met with a doctor, he scheduled us for a buttload of tests and then.... the results... MALE FACTOR INFERTILITY... The most DREADED diagnosis for us... they said he had some sperm but it was so little it could be considered zero, the doctor said our only shot was ivf with icsi, but we had a shot! Then an even bigger blow, our insurance wouldn't cover treatment...  commence heartbreak...The cost would be around 12-15,000 dollars... So we began to talk, A LOT. Can we save for that, what are our chances, what if we save and still don't get pregnant?? We also reached a point where it was time to tell his parents, if nothing else maybe they would just stop asking us... and then the final blow... we tell his parents and THEN (this might come off bitter, but im still working through it, regardless of how much I love my in-laws, and I love them like they are my own parents) they tell both of us that my husband had an undescended testicle when he was born and they did surgery when he was a year and a half old!! Hubs didn't even know!!! Sorry but this was unfair in my eyes, they bugged us for years about having a baby!! How could they not share this??! We told our fertility doc who said "not surprised it makes complete sense given his SA" and then suggested hubs see a urologist... here is where I left it in his hands, he was dealing with so many emotions, and I'm sure even deeper than my own because I at least had one baby of my own.... I told him to make the appointment when he was ready and started coming up with reasons why not having a baby could be good, so I could deal with my emotions in private, so I could prepare for never having another baby... he never made the appointment, started telling me how he couldn't justify spending the money on ivf for a small chance, how he was "ok" if it didn't happen for us... and life went on, we both licked our wounds privately, and planned lots of vacations Lol! We became experts at "we totally chose this!" But the emotions always find their way out don't they? More family parties, more friends/family having babies, more questions, more lies... more private tears, and then shared tears followed by denial the next day... BUT HERE WE ARE!! THIS STORY HAS ANOTHER TURN!! With my 39th birthday approaching I had resigned myself to a "different" life, I even started taking college classes and was almost approaching acceptance, lies were becoming truth and I was starting to believe myself... Then hubs calls me one day at work and says he made an appt for us with a doctor that had helped friends of ours! Suck the air right out of my lungs!! Whaaaa??! Wait! I'm afraid to hope again, I'm not sure I can open these wounds, but I don't say that out loud... I can't, I owe him this, I'm strong, I can do this heartbreak again, I have ways to cope now... I think.... So doctor number 2, totally quirky and strange but our friends have beautiful little 3 year old after multiple miscarriages and 3 doctor's, so let's give him a chance... our appointment was just a couple of weeks ago, and it lasted 4 hours!! He did bloodwork on us both, a pelvic exam and a semen analysis right then, and insisted we wait for S.A. results!! He tells us he only examined a small portion of hubs sample but he found 2 sperm, and they were motile, and that he can get us pregnant! But only using ivf with icsi... diagnosis, almost zero count sperm and severe male factor infertilty, likely caused by his undescended testicle, but based on my exam and what he called my husband's "rare sperm" ( almost none but the ones there are healthy) he thinks he can do this for us!! Doc is very confident, but that almost makes me wonder if he is bullshitting us (there is that fear of hope thing) and then, in walks a nurse who hands us a printout, she says "you told me your insurance wouldn't cover treatment but I called to get approval for your bloodwork and you guys are covered for up to 15,000 dollars for ivf!!" HOLY SHIT!!!! Excuse the language Lol! We confirmed with insurance, and it's true! Omg! SO we are now planning our very first ivf cycle! We are going to try for my November cycle (I should get my period around the 18th) and hope for a Christmas miracle! We got our bloodwork back last week, and my thyroid meds (I have hypothyroidism) have to be upped, my level is 3.9, so too high, and hubs tests are saying he has low testosterone (240 and minimum should be 280) and high fsh,  so we are waiting to hear back from doc about what meds he will need, meds are being ordered though, and lol I have no idea what is happening!!!! I'm super scared about retrieval, I have always had painful periods, and painful ovulation, I even had a hard time taking birth control because I'm just super hormone sensitive, but  let's go! Im super scared of hoping again too but I'm willing to try! So here I am trying to find other people that can tell me what to expect, understand what I'm feeling, and can maybe hold my hand a little through this. Bless you if you managed to read this whole thing!

***UPDATE*** I wrote this a couple of weeks ago but never posted... Anyway, my RE is so bizarre, I have not spoken to him once since our initial visit, his nurses seem super disorganized and I feel like I have no clue what is happening! I got a call from a nurse that my meds were ordered, and to call when they come in to make an appointment with the ivf nursre so I can learn how to use them, annnnd that was it! No explanation, no communication about our specific treatment plan just that "everyones plan is specific to them"... At this point I have gotten more information from my insurance company about the meds, which I then had to google to find out what everything was (insert massive aggitation and frustration here) Maybe this is normal? Maybe once we get the meds it will all get better? Mayyyybe Im just a terrified nut who needs to know to much??? lol Any advice here would be helpful... So here is my meds- Gonal F 450, Menopur 75, Cetrotide .25 kit, Chor Gonadotrop, and Crinone Gel... From what too many google searchs have told me this is an antagonist protocol, but the nurse just said "dont worry we arent going to overload you with drugs" and would not tell me anything else... Anyway, Im expecting AF on the 17th or 18th of this month... and freaking out!! lol I hope someone reads this and has some advice, Im considering another RE... I dont freaking know...