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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

asmrld84's blog

Im dreaming of a fertile christmas..

so we are comming up on 2 years of ttc (since my ectopic)

So far dec is looking like a positive month. my hubby is going to be home any minute after being away for two weeks at work and I woke up this morning with tons of ewcm yay me :) 

I was supposed to have an apointment wiyh my doctor on dec 3 to discuss out next step (clomid?) but he had to cancel my appointment because another patient had gone in to labor (really lady, ive been waiting 2 years.... hold it in for 30 more mins!) but thankfully my next appointment will be dec 29 right around the time af is due (if santa doesnt give me a bfp) so if i am starting clomid hopefully I can start it by the end of this month. Im not getting my hopes up of a bfp right away but Im so happy to finally be moving forward! I just feel that 2015 is my year and I hope it is for all of you wonderful ladies as well. have a wonderful day everyone!

feel guilty for resenting dh

hello everyone. i havent posted for a while but I have been lurking here and there.   

So dh has gone back to alberta to work so our ttc has been put on hold Again!!! I have been feeling alot of anger lately towards him and i feel so guilty about it. he is an amazing man and i love him dearly but sometimes i feel such a resentment towards him.

for those that dont know my story i have had multiple losses mc 06, baby riley who passed at 3 days old (doctors had no answers) 2010, mc2011, and an ectopic which resulted in loss of fallopian tube in 2012.

Rant; after Riley passed I had an ovewhelming need to try again. I knew it would never replace him but for any mother who has given birth and then left the hospital empty handed...... its an unbearable feeling. leaking milk for weeks and longing to breast feed. i just cannoteven put it into words. But my husband was not ready to try again and for a year continued to come up with reason after reason of why we werent ready. at this point i was working long hours and we went 3 weeks without dtd.one night while i was half asleep, he begged and begged and finally he said it, those majic words "lets make a baby" I was wide awake and ready to go lol. so while were dtd im off in lala land daydreaming about making a baby and suddenly... he PULLS OUT!!!

 I have never had the urge to punch someone so badly. I knew he had tricked me and it was the most hurtful thing ever! I didnt say anything, i simply turned around and silently cried myself to sleep.over the next two weeks he apologized over and over and said he didnt realize how badly i wanted this, and NOW he was ready. i was pregnant within a month. i found out christmas day and mc new years day. It was awful. we were at his parents house having dinner, i got a slight cramp, stood up to go to the bathroom and blood just stared to gush. I was ready to try again two months late but again, he wasnt. It took another year for him to agree to try again. Again i was preg within a month. found out on my birthday and was in the er a month later having lap to remove fetus and tube. I was broken...it felt like everyway you could possibly lose a child had happened to me, WHY??? doctor said other tube looked ok. and i wanted to try again right away since my odds were now decreased and i knew it would take awhile again, guess who wasnt ready?! so he ends up getting a job in alberta and i go have a dye test done, doctor says everything is great. hubby is ready to try again but is away 3 weeks out of the month and never home when i ovulate. finally he comes home andfinds a job that allows him to come home everynight. so i make an appointment with my doctor to ask about clomid since its been almost 2 years since my ectopic. husband decides hes not making enough money... back to the oil sands he goes. so now i have this appointment on dec 3 with my doctor. but whats the point of clomid with dh gone? so now im trying my hardest to make more money just to get his ass back home. Im really discouraged because ive had so many surgeriescsections, lap, d and c i know the more time that goes by, the more scar tissue grows and less my chances of a rainbow. I dont want to, but i blame him :(i just feel like he put it off for so long that i missed my chance. I dont say it to him because i dont want to hurt him, but i feel it! Im so sorry for ranting ladies i just have no one to talk to about it because I feel so guilty.

 

ive always wanted 4 children and that dream is quickly slipping away. I pray everyday that he comes home and clomid will help me. I secretly dream of twins, only because ive already had 2 csections and my doctor usually recommends no more than 3.

IM JUST SO SAD!!!

 

confused and worried

like my title says im very confused and worried.

As i wrote in my last blog my husband is back working in alberta so my ttc journey is on hold.

before he left we decided no ttc stress and just spend time with eachother and the kids. i didnt use opks for the first time in a year and it was great! however i do know around when i ovulate because of the amount of ewcm i get. we bd alot before he left and it happen to also be during my fertile time. right after he left i had spotting when i wiped, started af type cramps, experienced twinges in my abdomen,ewcm that lasted 2 weeks, my throat hurt for a week but i wasnt sick, backache, moody, very thirsty and for the past 3 days my boobs are killing me and that never happens to me.

 

my periods after my ectopic last year were pretty messed up my cycles would range from 30-45 days but for the past 6 months they have  settled on 31 days except last month when i had a 28 day cycle.

today is now day 36 and shes no where in sight. i took a clear blue test yesterday bfn and then again this morning bfn. so im pretty sure im not.but whats with the symptoms?

also when i was pregnant with my daughter i had a huge cyst on my right ovary that was removed when i had my daughter. the doctor said my ovary was fine. but now  im wondering if that is causing me to not ovulate from my right side?my left fallopian tube was removed due to ectopic and every month when i ovulate on that side i have ovulation pain. but this month no pain so im assuming i ovulated on my right. maybe im not actually ovulating on my right side which would explain why my af is a no show??! pcos??

ugh im so confused anyone have any idea what could be happening?

 

 

 

time for a break??!!

I feel like I need to take a break from ttc. I dont want to but I NEED to.

I find myself so overwhelmed, sad, angry and not myself. Im so consumed with everything baby that I am missing out on life and all the wonderful things I am blessed with.

Im starting to realize that this may never happen for us. It makes me sad because we have had 3 losses in a row and I always imagined a happy ending, I mean who goes through all of that and doesnt eventually get to take home their rainbow? well, I guess maybe I dont, sadly I dont think Im going to get to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Ive gotten to the point now whereI have even considered leaving my husband, not because I dont love him, but because I feel he would be better off with someone who can give him the big family that he wants. I dont even want to get out of bed anymore.

My husband leaves for the oil sands again in a week or so. This means our ttc will have to be put on hold for 6 months but I dont know if I will have the strength to try again even when he comes back. I think I need to focus on other things for awhile before I completley lose my mind.

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice and support. Goodluck to you all!!!

does early ovulation mean early af?

I Have a 31 day cycle. usually ovulate cd 14-17. this month however i got my positive opk on cd 11. that would make me 14 dpo right now.  i normally wouldnt expect af for another 6 days but because i ovulated so early should i be getting af earlier this month??should i be able to test now?? any advice would be great  :)

 

feeling like i may be out for good

so after ectopic pregnancy and loss of my left tube we have been "trying" naturally for 11 months with no luck. I say "trying" because my husband worked in the oil sands for 7 of those months and was only home 6 days a month and  rarely when i was ovulating.

After i had a complete melt down he came home. He has been home now for 4 months but has now decided hes not making enough money here so he is going back to alberta in 2 weeks. I understand why he needs to go but at the same time im sad because i feel like our ttc journey might now be over. I was thinking about looking into clomid for sept but whats the point if hes not here.

Im on cycle day 27 my average cycle is 31 days. I usually ovulate around cd 14-17 but this month i got a solid smiley on my opk on cd 10 so im not sure if af will be coming sooner this month or when i should test if at all.

i`ve had no symptoms this month besides feeling really down and freaking out on dh for something really stupid. I really am not hopeful about this month though i just feel out and .....bleh.

sorry for going on and on

 

 

one fallopian tube?

hi everyone

i wrote about my ttc journey yesterday and i guess im just wondering if any ladies have managed to get a bfp with only one fallopian tube. when i google it i see a lot of women have been able to conceive but i also see a lot of women that cant seem to get pregnant with only one tube. but im wondering if these are ladies who maybe havent done an hsg and maybe have an unknown issue with their remaining fallopian tube. ive had the "dye test" and all looks good with my tube.husbands swimmers are great! im trying to stay positive but its hard. 

long time stalker first time posting

so, i have been lurking for a while.

i love seeing how everyone is full of love and  really want to help and support eachother despite what type of ttc journey you are going through.

my story: 

i am 30 years old and have been with my husband for 7 years.

in 2001 at the young age of 17 i got pregnant the third time i had ever has sex. SURPRISE! my beautiful now 12 year old son  was born march 2012.

2005 another surprise pregnancy using the pull out method. sadly that pregnancy resulted in a d and c because there was no heart beat.

2008 had a beautiful baby girl who is now 5 years old. we conceived her also using pull out method. thismethod obviously was not working :)

2010 we were ntnp i gave birth to my beautiful son riley at 36 weeks. i had an emergency csection as his heart rate was very low. when i woke up i was told they were able to get him breathing but it didnt look good. he passed away in my arms 3 days later.

jan 2012 mc

feb 2013 ectopic resulting in loss of my left fallopian tube.

i had the dye test about 10 months ago and my right tibe "looks great" we have been trying since then and nothing.mind you my usband was working in the oil sand until march so wasnt always home when i ovulated. 

im getting depressed to say the least. i am so thankful for the 2 children i have at home. and maybe i shouldnt be bitching   because i know some women dont have any children. but when i couldnt brong riley home it broke me. we waited over a year to try again and lost 2 more. i just want to bring home a baby. i feel that my family is not complete and i think about it non stop.im starting to think it may never happen and now i only have one fallopian tube :(

has anyone here had any luck with one fallopian tube? do i have a chance?

i got a flashing smiley today and i just want to punch him in his happy little face lol. i swear i have spent about $500 on those things and honestly, i want my money back!!

thanks for listening  ladies and i hope to get to know you all

 

 

 

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