Back again... I just thought I would update you with the progress that has been made in the last 10 days or so since my last post.
Firstly, I was on that really weird cycle with spotting and then the spotting stopped! I had a few days with no spotting and I was temping, FF told me that I had ovulated on CD25 according to my temps and I recalled feeling a little twinge in the left side during that time -- first time I've ever gotten crosshairs :0) so I was very hopeful that I had a chance to conceive this cycle! But alas, 12DPO, last night - AF came in full force. Ah well, I am trying to see this as a positive, that maybe I am regulating somehow... we will have to wait and see I guess.
Secondly, my DH's SA results came back -- they were perfectly normal, in fact wayyyyy above the numbers they say are still fine for natural conception to be possible. Just me that's the problem then. I feel a bit down about this as part of me had hoped he may have had something up too (I know, such a terrible thing to wish for but I guess I just wanted us to share the problem and it not be at least one of our faults, so to speak), but the more I think about it, the more it makes me realise how thankful I am that we are not battling two issues with our fertility. I raise my cup of tea to those who are, as I now am fully aware of how strong you have to be as people to face only one fertility problem -- two must be a kick in the teeth.
Since his results came back we had an appointment with the gp who told us that based on all our results and the fact that we have been trying for almost a year, she is going to refer us to the fertility specialist. YEY! I feel genuinly relieved that the ball is rolling and I may be a step closer to having our beautiful baby. On the other hand, what should have been a joyous appointment was marred by the fact that she asked whether either of us had any other children. Ofcourse DH piped up and told her about his son which prompted her to give us a lecture on how we should prepare ourselves because the NHS refuse to fund a lot of fertility treatments (if we need any) if either of us have had children before.
Now, is it just me but SERIOUSLY?! How is that even remotely justified? I don't get as much chance of becoming a first time mother as someone else because I happened to fall in love with someone that already had a child?? I ache to become a mummy and if anything, my stepson just makes it hurt more. Seeing my DH with all the love he has for his son, a son that another woman gave to him, that is not mine, that I have to give back every time we have him. It's heartbreaking. I love him to bits, but he just isn't mine. Why, when I am the one with the fertility problem, would I qualify for all the treatment if I had married a childless man, but with my DH I don't even get spared a thought as to how this may affect me? Now, if it was my DH that had the fertility issue, I could understand to some extent but this is just ridiculous.
Needless to say, I walked out of the surgery and before I could even put my seatbelt on in the car, tears were rolling down my cheeks. I am so fearful that I may have to wait for years so that we can save up the thousands of pounds that we might need if we have to go through IVF or similar. We can support a child, give it a great home, and it would never want for anything. But a child in itself is expensive, when you then have to pay around £10,000 to even give us a chance (not guarantee) at conceiving one just because my DH has already used one of his sperm on another child, it seems almost impossible to afford. I suppose we will do it, no, I know we will because we so desperately want it. But it doesn't take away the predjudice that has been thrust towards me. I am trying to conceive No.1 just as any other first time mother, I have all the same feelings - the anxiety, the excitement, the completely mind numbing impatience and the feeling that this is all unchartered territory. I have never crossed this border before but now that I have with my amazing DH, I feel like I have been picked out of a few and cast back a few miles before I even get to start on my journey into motherhood.
Ahhh, hark at me, sorry girls -- I'm having a really bad day. I feel so down, so alone and absolutely fearful of what might happen next.
I am in some sort of limbo for now, just guessing and waiting to hear what they might tell us is or isn't possible for us. I hope we get word of our appointment scheduling soon, at least then I will have something to focus on.
Its incredibly theraputic to be able to put how I'm feeling in words and knowing you are all there to listen. Thankyou ladies, you are incredible, we are so lucky to have this available to us during this time.
GL and baby dust to all of you xxxxx