Hi, I'm Harriet and welcome to my journey!
First, a bit of background - I'm 23 DH is 26, we got married this year and have been talking about starting a family ever since we got together. DH has a son from another relationship who I love to peices and am a very proud step mummy to, but he's just "not mine". This will be our first child together and although I can't say whether I will love my own child more, I am quite sure that I will love them differently. I have always imagined myself as a mum and promised myself that when I found the right man, I would know when I was ready. Well, after several years, this year we decided, would be our year.
So came new years day 2013 when we decided that I would stop my BCP and begin this topsy turvy journey that is TTC.
I finished my BCP at the end of the packet 04/01/13 and from then on looked forward to that day when I found out we were expecting to bring a perfect new life into the world together...
DH and I both work from home so it wasn't difficult to BD whenever we needed to. I began using OPK's from day 1 but never got my smiley face. At the end of January AF came and I reassured myself that it was just 'not our month' and got on with life.
Then came February - After the allotted time, a lot of BDing and a long 2WW, AF did not show. :0) YES!! I thought, this was sure to be our month. I started to feel nauseous and had little flutters in my lower stomach... 18DPO - did a test...BFN. :0( Didn't let this bother me, waited til AF was over a week late, tested - BFN. This disheartened me somewhat but decided it was worth going to the Dr's to check out what was happening.
The Dr was very supportive and understanding but refused to believe I wasn't pregnant and took a urine test... BFN. As i thought. Again refused to believe I wasn't pregnant and ordered a blood test to confirm. The results confirmed that I was not pregnant and I was told that it was probably due to my BC and that I should wait until the 6 month mark in June.
So here I am, TTC for 6 months. (I didn't ever realise it would take this long.) I had an appointment at the Drs last week and she booked me in for an u/s on Monday 17/06/13 to check for any tube or uterus issues and to check for ovulation. FX I have no problems. Though I wish there was something identifiable that I could fix :0(
So far I have felt elated, depressed, excited, anxious, emotional and numb. I can't express to any of you that are thinking of starting this emotional rollercoaster of a journey to make sure that you and your partner are solid as a rock or that you have some good friends around you - because once you begin, you will need so much support, even if you are strong willed and jolly like me.
I have spent the last 6 months trying and failing and having to watch friends all around me falling pregnant without even so much as touching each other.
The worst of those hit me hard this week; a friend of DH's decided to start trying with her partner after new year the same time as we did, I was so excited for us to go down this journey together! We were TTC buddies and that was fantastic, last week she posted her 12 week scan online for all to see - and I burst out crying. "What does she have that I don't?" I blubberingly asked DH. I am happy for her, so pleased that she has managed what I have not been able to, but inside I am a seethingly jealous person. My DH and I are happily married with stable careers and a home big enough for the new arrival. DH's friend has been with her bf for a few years but openly admits to us that she doesn't think she loves him and doesn't see herself spending her life with him. She smokes, drinks, exercises way more than is necessary and is skinny beyond belief - yet that little miracle happened to her instead of us... Just. Why???
It feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel any more. I am a positive person but I will openly admit that this, I am struggling with. I have so much respect for you beautiful ladies who have been trying for years without ever giving up, that is an incredible feat. I don't think I will ever give up either but I sure can't get my head around any of this unjustified hurt that comes from the TTC journey.
Will update you after my u/s.
Best wishes and heaps of Baby Dust to all xxxxxxxx