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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Trying-to-Conceive Blog

If you’re anything like me, you’re reading everything you can get your hands on when it comes to trying to get pregnant. Thank goodness for the Internet – I don’t know how anyone got pregnant before the advent of personal computing….

We have a place here on TWW for ladies to tell their BFP stories, as well as a spot for submitting their symptoms to determine if they might be pregnant. We have a wonderful TTC community where you can get valuable support and ask questions. But until now, we didn’t have a spot for the detailed monologue of your trying to conceive experience.

Introducing the Two Week Wait Trying-to-Conceive Blog. This is where you can create your very own blog of your TTC experience—every detail, blow by blow. Note that you’ll need to create an account with us first in order to create your blog. It’s free, of course. That’s how we roll here at TWW.  *there is a 24 hour waiting period on new accounts before you'll be able to start posting to your new blog.  In the meantime, have a look around and get to know the site!

Happy blogging!

This is what I wish I could post

I wish I could say this worked. I wish I could say, "We finally did it!!! Five years, finally a bfp!!! And maybe it's twins! The doctor was really happy with the hcg levels, which is amazing since I got bfns on all the hpts. Apparently it really is possible to get a late bfp -- I'm living proof the anecdotes have some truth! It feels so surreal, knowing we're finally going to have a family! Just have faith, ladies, it all works out in the end."

Here's the truth: It didn't work. I'm not pregnant. Five years and fifteen thousand dollars, and we still have nothing. I've never seen a bfp. The doctor said we could do another FET with our final embryo, but I think it's something like $6k, which I don't have lying around. I actually didn't even have the $15k. We spent money we didn't have on a dream that didn't come true. I was going to post a picture here of a baby hat I bought in 2013 and saved for my bfp, which I'm probably finally about to donate or throw away, but honestly I don't have the strength it would take to drag it out, take such a picture, and get rid of it. Maybe another day.

I'm heartbroken and I feel pretty stupid for ever having hoped it would really happen for me. So it goes. 

Day 5

On day 5 of March cycle, day 5 of clomid, same emotional wreck and snappy idiot as last cycle lol. fingers crossed for a good day 10 scan on Thursday. 

Baby dust and well wishes to all :)

First Pregnancy, First Miscarriage. Back to Square One

Hello again, fellow trenchmates.

Earlier this week at my 7 week transvaginal ultrasound the doctor saw the gestational sac but no sign of an embryo or yolk sac. I spent the next couple of days freaking out and obsessively reading everything I could about blighted ovum, not to mention ultrasound "mistakes." I basically went about my days toggling between thinking everything-will-be-ok, and intense panic.

Fast forward to yesterday morning, when I called my OB/GYN to tell her I'd started cramping and spotting brown clots. She said to head over to the ER because the hospital can get you your HCG blood test results within the day, unlike the OB/GYN folks who have to send them out and await levels for up to a week.

My partner and I spent 6 hours in the corner of the ER- which is miraculously fast by NYC standards. The staff even gave me an IV because they were concerned that I'd be dehydrated from losing fluids. My blood was drawn and eventually we went in for the transvaginal ultrasound. Before they performed the examination, the tech dropped the "probe" on the floor and then didn't clean it. We were like, "Could you please just clean that probe one more time?" And she said, "I just sterilized it a minute ago! I used bleach. It's strong, it lasts."  My partner and I just sat there laughing and crying at the same time at the lousiness of it all. After a certain point on the sadness spectrum you just laugh at the absurdity of it all (yes, the technician humored us and wiped down the probe again before they placed it inside my vagina).

The results of the examination and bloodwork (showing declining HCG levels since last week) all indicated an early miscarriage. Now I'm just waiting out the natural process because I don't relish the idea of any more "medical scenarios" than I absolutely have to go through right now. 

For any of you who have miscarried, how did you "get back on the horse" afterwards? I'm on the dark side of my 30's so I can't really afford to take my time at this point. I guess I should just go back doing to all the things I did to get pregnant in the first place: prenatals, softcups, acupuncture, healthy living, etc. But whereas before it all felt exciting and empowering, like I was grasping my fertility by the horns, now it feels like a task that may just as well result in another loss. How do I shift my perspective so that I'm not approaching this from a heartbroken place? Honestly, what would you do?

13dpiui BFP

yesterday I was feeling down all day long and by the time it was dark i had convinced myself that it was okay and we still had many more iuis To go. @ 9:00pm i decided to go pee and test (i have no idea why i decided to) and i waited only 1 min and saw only one line. I bend it and threw it on the trash. When i Went again to use the restroom as soon as i was about to throw my tp, i notice the testing strip and saw two lines! I couldn’t believe it. I decided to wait until this morning to test again and see if it was really a bfp . This time i used a diffrent test( first response) and again two pink lines! I’m so happy but scared at the same time. I’ve read about chemical pregnancy.I have had a misscarage before. i hope This baby sticks. Called this morning to make an appointment for blood work. Holding for good news.

Empty Gestational Sac at First Transvaginal Ultrasound (Maybe) 7 Weeks

Based on what I really hope are mistaken calculations, I'm 7-days-and-change weeks pregnant. Not so long ago I posted about what an eye opener TTC was leading up to testing positive for this pregnancy. The joy I felt when I saw that second pink line was unlike anything I've ever known, no exaggeration. Aside from a chemical pregnancy a few months ago (which showed up on the strip looking more like an evaporation indent than anything else) I'd never had a proper AH-HAH moment.

I was also in the midst of my fertility work up, with its blood panels and sonograms and HSG's etc. I'd really felt like TTC had me hitting rock bottom. But. Little did I know that TTC was an emotional cake walk compared to watching the OB/GYN's unhappy expression while she seached the ultrasound screen in vain for signs of an embryo and yolk sac. Nobody home.

She was very mindful not to prematurely diagnose what may well be blighted ovum and reminded me (while I sat there with trembling on the examination table under the giant lap-napkin they give you) that I may be wrong about when I conceived.

I wasn't up to explaining to her how I'd basically kept an OCD diary of every OPK result, symptom and intercourse session for half a year or more leading up the the BFP, and it's near-impossible that I fell pregnant more recently than I think I did given when I tested positive on a FRER.

A later date of conception than what I'd written down could explain an empy gestational sac, as in theory the embryo and/or yolk might not be visible in there before 6 weeks anyhow. The doctor said the gestational sac looked to be 5 weeks and a couple days, not 7. But a common symptom of blighted ovum is that the sac is developmentally delayed in measurement, so I don't want to get my hopes up.

The image on the screen of a dark, round hole-like hollow in my uterus struck me as the loneliest thing ever. I took a picture of it with my phone because I felt weird about carrying around this miserable image printed on a strip of fax paper in my wallet for the rest of the day. Later on my partner and I zoomed in on the image. We both saw a blurry lumpy form but research has shown that this is "debris," or possibly even the early stages of sac desintigration. Just the kind of thing you want passing through your thoughts on the job while you teach your class, right? That's the other thing you don't anticipate: when you feel like your universe is crumbling apart, you still have to get out there and hustle because life goes on. It goes to show you really never know what's going on in people's private lives. Lots of us are just keeping up appearances. I feel like I've been one of them forever at this point, and it just keeps getting lousier. 

Even though I'm supposed to hold out and stay optimistic until next week's vaginal ultrasound, and possibly the next, and the next since who knows, sometimes they say the baby just appears much later on, I can already feel myself distancing myself emotionally from this pregnancy because it's literally the only way I'm going to be able to walk down the street and function in society and not fall apart. I'm an emotional person to begin with and the pregnancy hormones had me crying over the baby dinosaur in the Jurassic Park trailer, so you can imagine what anticipating a probable miscarriage is doing to my mental landscape.

I got home and sat up late reviewing medically induced miscarriage (the pill route) vs aspirational (vacuum) or waiting it out until nature ejects the empty contents of an "anatomical pregnancy" (contractions, bleeding for days and weeks) and I'm just like wtf. This is heartbreaking and even though I know it's super common, blah blah blah everyone goes through it, nothing could have prepared me for what a misery it would be to consider miscarriage options the way you review any other set of medical choices: it's work that may have to be done, it'll come at a cost and this is how life goes sometimes so take your lumps like everyone else. 

I'm no stranger to prayer and I do believe in the power of positive thinking... to a point. But I've also lived through enough loss and disappointment to know how ugly reality can get and I don't know how else to respond to this unwelcome discovery than to start grieving now, throw in the towel and get the hopeful part, which can hurt way more than despair- as every woman on this board knows- out of the way.

12dpiui

A little bit about myself, I am 24 years old; married to a beauty for a year now. We started talking about starting a family right after our wedding. We tried our first iui in Mexico but was not successful (later to find out the doc inseminated us not @ the right time). Our second time ttc was in February 16, 2018. So fat I’m 12dpiui and i got a BFN this morning. I’ve read a lot that many women get their BFP by their 13-15dpiui And hoping that’s the case for me but I’ve been having AF symptoms. To be honest I’ve been feeling them since 9dpiui. I decided to to just write them down. 

1dpiui-8dpiui: did not feel anything.

9dpiui-10dpiui: lower back was killing me. Very uncomfortable, AF like cramps (but bearable not like my real AF cramps) and a lot of cm( felt almost wet all the time)

11dpiui: less cramps they come and go, less cm, less back ache. Weird small pain in my left ovary (came and went for the whole day) tested:BFN

12dpiui: bloated, thought for sure my AF came last night but didn’t. dull cramping on my left ovary. Feel heaviness: tested BFN

im starting to think this might not be my cycle. And im eagerly waiting for AF to arrive so we can get started on my next cycle! 

Trying out spazzle's blog two week wait smoothie recipe

I used all ingredients except spinach and honey (veganism) because I had finished off my spinach in a salad. I also didn't follow measurements but regardless I made a yummy smoothie.

And to give credit where credit is due and a shout out to a very interesting blogger Spazzle. Thanks for sharing your journey.

http://www.twoweekwait.com/node/59993

Embryo pictures

Hi all!!

Please post pics of your transfered embies. If you can include "age" and stage (I.e. 6 day expanding blast or 5 day hatched blast), grade according to your clnic (I understand grading varies from facility to facility), and any other details you can add such as PGS/PGD tested. Lastly, if you're out of the tww, please post if you got a BFN or BFP.

As for me, I just transferred this little guy (XY) today: a 6 Day hatched blast that has been PGS/PGD tested. Can anyone tell me what that little "tail" on the end is? And why does it look so oddly shapened? 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this post and participate! Baby dust to us all. 

2dpo with Pcos 2nd round clomid** first cycle after chemical pregnancy

I torture myself with YouTube videos of 13-16 year olds pregnant vlogs.

Girls, if your babies have babies at the same age you did, then you'll be a grandma at my age. Get it girl.

As negative as I am, and as bitter as I've been for years even if you are terrible parents at 14 years old, have no idea what life is like, and its really your parents problem to raise you and your babies- I'm happy god willed you a family and you didn't experience this shit.

This is no way to live. I'm so fed up obsessing over my fertility. I'm not sure how much longer I can "try too hard" when it's "not meant to be"

Why did I think I would ever have my own family. I had a terrible childhood with a drug abusing mother and pedophile step father, and neither of them worked. We lived off of child support and I was often drugged by my own mother with Xanax, Ambien, tylenol pm. I've been in halfway homes, foster homes and finally into my grandparents custody after 16 years old.

I survived and worked hard to become the person I am today. And I am proud of who I have become. I can take care of myself but I'm lucky enough to have an amazing husband who takes care of me and I take care of him. I've worked since I was 16, finished school and have not relyed on anyone since. I learned important coping methods and learned from my mother's mistakes. I always thought I'd be an amazing mother. But being let down and disappointed has never ended.

 

I've never really had low self-esteem before, I'm a somewhat confident person but the last 2 or 3 years of ttc (out of 7) has really wore me out. 

Faint positive or no?

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