Early Pregnancy Symptoms and Big Fat Positives
Lots of Thoughts on an Early BFP Just Shy of My 37th Birthday
Greetings, Weary Fellow Travellers.
If you're TTC and just skimming for basic facts (perfectly understandable, I do it all the time), here you go:
○faint BFP out at 16DPO with a FRER (most months I wanted to chop those pee sticks in two with an axe and then toss them on a bonfire but I'll make an exception for this one)
○monitored ovulation with "Femometer" opks for 6 months (DH nicknamed these FOMOmeters (as in, fear of missing out, lol)
○BD'd every other day this month until 6DPO as opposed to turning our lives in an intercourse factory every 24 hours which got us nowhere in previous cycles
○repurposed a sock drawer for Preseed and softcup stash & used consistently
○4 consecutive months of weekly acupuncture at $45 a pop
○no caffeine or alcohol since TTC cycle #2 (Zzzzzzz)
○MyKind organic prenatal vitamins, CoQ10, selenium and- from CD1 to ovulation- primrose oil and vitex
○recent HSG (aka radioactive douche) revealing clear tubes and a small fibroid
○gyno called to confirm pregnant blood test results today, 48 hours after DH shelled out $250 for his sperm analysis (I'll admit there was grim satisfaction in seeing *him* make a trip to do something awkward in a clinical setting for a change)
○symptoms thus far: insomnia, dull sporadic AF-ish uterus and breast aches
Now for the mental component:
I've lurked this site and more others than I'd like to admit for the past 6 months. I know about laparoscopies in Australia, D&C's in Singapore, ectopic pregnancies in the UK and, well, the list goes on.
At the outset of TTC I promised myself that I wouldn't become "that obsessive lady" if I didn't conceive right away, and then badly broke that promise half a dozen times over.
Basically, as the months slid by I hit an existential impasse and wound up making myself miserable for almost half a year. I also learned everything under the sun about conception, if the internet is to be trusted *tugs collar*
Did it make sense to spiral into an OCD mania? Not really. Was I told to "just relax" so that "it would happen when it was meant to?" Oh, yes I was, friends.
But a lot happens in six months. You learn new things about expectation management and what's truly important to you. Stuff you used to care about start to feel trivial, and what you never gave much thought to turns out to be of epic importance. The biggest hit I took during this time has been watching my dad battle late stage pancreatic cancer and then quit chemo. The smaller misfortunes count too; I came up against a handful of social and professional disappointments, which of course feel compounded and intensified when you are questing to become a parent (and dealing with an ailing one).
You realize after reading eight billion posts that many women who endure the TTC journey go to hell and back. I don't care what anyone says, TTC is a life event unto itself. You can't relativize it, as nice as that would be. Telling yourself "the odds could be much worse" is cold comfort when anyone could, at some point, find themselves in the statistically-very-challenged category. More troubling yet, one's candidacy for trouble never really goes away. We're all in this together and I'm reassured to see that there is a real [digital] community giving each other comfort, advice and encouragement because man, can TTC ever make you feel like an isolated freak, at times.
Turns out it's a litmus test who your truest friends are. If you have a partner, it sheds a new light on his/her coping mechanisms and patience. It made me poke my boobs every months and stare at my CM like it was a precious magical substance and take photos of pee tests and compulsively zoom in on the evap lines on my smartphone screen. I skipped a pretty major baby shower out of shame and may never live it off. Two weeks ago I found myself googling "best of" adoption agencies because I wanted to keep a realistic outlook on how I might end up becoming a mom. Who was to say that six months wouldn't turn into 26 months? It happens all the time. It all just started to seem like a coin toss.
I also got my hopes up a few cycles ago only to catch a chemical pregnancy. This whole experience had me combing the infertility boards because those ladies are the true TTC ninjas and know a great deal more about their bodies- and self care- than anyone on your average pregnancy board. I started to examine the resiliency of those women who have gone through a miscarriage- or eight. If their words don't bring to life an understanding of human tenacity, I don't know what will.
This education has made me laugh. It's made me cry. Ok, mostly it's made me cry. It should probably qualify as psychological military training.
Maybe it wasn't the healthiest approach, but delving into the deepest online rabbit holes was like turning that corner there's no turning back on. Whatever happens with this particular (very) early pregnancy- prayers welcome- this journey has introduced me to a new value of life. That's something you can't order on Amazon and pee on. We're all just our here earning it. I love you guys.