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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

This is what I wish I could post

I wish I could say this worked. I wish I could say, "We finally did it!!! Five years, finally a bfp!!! And maybe it's twins! The doctor was really happy with the hcg levels, which is amazing since I got bfns on all the hpts. Apparently it really is possible to get a late bfp -- I'm living proof the anecdotes have some truth! It feels so surreal, knowing we're finally going to have a family! Just have faith, ladies, it all works out in the end."

Here's the truth: It didn't work. I'm not pregnant. Five years and fifteen thousand dollars, and we still have nothing. I've never seen a bfp. The doctor said we could do another FET with our final embryo, but I think it's something like $6k, which I don't have lying around. I actually didn't even have the $15k. We spent money we didn't have on a dream that didn't come true. I was going to post a picture here of a baby hat I bought in 2013 and saved for my bfp, which I'm probably finally about to donate or throw away, but honestly I don't have the strength it would take to drag it out, take such a picture, and get rid of it. Maybe another day.

I'm heartbroken and I feel pretty stupid for ever having hoped it would really happen for me. So it goes. 

Comments

I am so sorry. You deserved to get a different result. You shouldn't feel stupid. You were brave. You took a risk and put everything you have into this. At least you know that tried. You don't have to live with the what ifs. When you're ready, perhaps there's more that can be done? Have you had testing for MTHFR? If you decide to go back for that last embryo, can you afford genetic testing? In the meantime, just cry. It's okay to be sad. This is a loss. You put all your hope into one basket and that basket just blew away. As the days go on it will feel better. My first IVF round had failure. I kept getting negatives all the way up till Big Red. The day of beta I woke up and went to the bathroom and was bleeding. Hard. I was on the floor sobbing a big ugly cry. I still had to go in for the blood test. Every one kept asking me how it went and I had to explain. Over and over. But as time went on, I healed. I found things that made me laugh. The scar healed. And no matter the outcome, going through infertility and IVF causes scars. So I feel your scar. It sucks and it's incredibly unfair. But I will keep hoping that something amazing comes your way. <3

I am so very sorry spazzle. I was rooting for you so hard. I'm sorry for the pain and heartache you and your husband are having to go through. I hope and pray that embryo left will be the miracle you've been waiting for, and wish you strength and courage until you're ready to go through this again.

I am so very sorry Spazzle. There are no words. It is so unfair. Puppy Mom said it very well already. You were not stupid, not at all. You were brave, very brave. You have invested so much emotionally and financially in something whose outcome was uncertain. That is bravery. I know that the thought that this might not happen for you guys is terrifying. It hurts so so much and yet you have to go on with your daily routine. You will get through it. Yes, as previous posters said, the scar never goes away, but it will heal. Then you will have more clarity to think of what your next steps might be. Please keep posting. There are things that you might need to get checked but now it is probably not the time to think about it.

I am so sorry to hear your unfortunate story. I know how it feels to imagine your child in your hands and then it being taken away. But have you thought of IVF or surrogacy? These are the two recent great technologies we've had around us. For all the infertile mothers, it's a great option to have their own baby. I'd suggest you to have a look. More power to you

I'm so sorry to see this, I've been where you are and I'm heartbroken to see you going through it. I wish I could give you a big hug. Give yourself time, cry, get angry and let yourself heal. I wish I could tell you that the one little embryo left is the one, but all I can say is once you've healed, find a way to give that little one a chance. I don't see that I can send you a PM...we live in the same state and I highly recommend the RE we used after our failed IVF, if and when you are ready, just reach out to me if you want the information. Hugs spazzle, stay strong <3

I am so sorry. You are so brave. You do not deserve this and you have done nothing wrong. You may feel really alone but please know that you are not. You have so many prayers. I am just so sorry.

Thank you all. So much. I don't have it in me to go through and individually respond but please know I've read each of your messages half a dozen times and will probably read them half a dozen more as the days go on. I feel a little less like I'm dying a slow death today, so that seems to be moving in the right direction. I've felt grief before, many times throughout this process, but never like this. It's like somebody scooped out all my insides and all the empty spaces hurt so much. All anybody can say is they're sorry. That's all I can really say too. Dh and I would sit and cry and just say I'm sorry over and over, even though it's no one's fault, there just didn't seem to be anything else to say. They put them in my body and they died. Nobody thinks about it like that, but that's essentially what happened. I can't even get excited about our last embryo. To me it seems like we'll scrounge up more money and just watch as our final chance passes us by, when this happens all over again. I hate it so much. I didn't think God would lead us here to fail. That's what I kept clinging to, but now I don't know why I'm here. Just to suffer some more? I don't know. Anyway.

Just a silent ~hug~ You are one of the strongest, compassionate, vivacious and refreshingly positive women I have ever come to know in the virtual world. You have touched so many with your wonderful writings. You don't deserve this! I wish you could have posted, what you wished you could have posted. ~love and hugs~

There aren't any words I can provide, just truly heartbroken for you. I came across this blogger today and thought of you.. http://liveinthelonging.com/category/infertility/ wishing you peace and love.

We're thinking of you and send our hope and hugs spazzle. Its super shit and upsetting that it hasnt worked out this time for you and there really are no words to make you feel better of course but we just want you to know we are thinking of you today mate. You are one of the bravest couples we 'know'! ♡ Love alexandra (and Jason)♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡