I knew if the brown I had was IB, and I really REALLY started to believe it was, all signs pointed to it, I had a lot to hope for by now, and in all of my former TTC years, it took me awhile b4 I'd shell out for FRER, etc. but I didn't hit the dollar tree, I hit the Target and spent $19 on two packs of the most sensitive, best tests, as every tampon I took out (sorry tmi) was dry as a bone, and this cycle was soo hopeful seeming, more so by the day, this AM, the same thing.. dry as a bone tampon again, so I was feeling pretty darned good, and I knew if BFN I had 3 more tests, it's still early, ok, and I used to never feel positive cause of so much disappointment, but this cycle was unlike any other one I have had and we nailed the BD and it just seemed like YES, and so I POAS right after removing that bone dry tampon and as I wait for the results, I wiped and a bit of pink blood was on the tissue, and right after that I popped in another tampon while still awaiting results but feeling crushed at what was happening at the worst possible time, and cramps picked up too...... BFN, even though if I analyzed the heck out of it, broke it apart and all I thought I could see something soooo slight, and I would have held on to a lot of hope still had I not seen what I started to see, and feel now how I feel. I'm getting an early Thanksgiving present
((((. FREAKIN' AF! I'm so depressed.
I was sitting there imagining how amazing it would be to get my BFP on Thanksgiving, and to not need IUI or worse yet IVF, which I'd do in a second, but we couldn't afford it, and I have no time to waste to even attempt to come up with like 25k or more here in NY.. by that time my days would be over. The doc said it wasn't impossible to conceive ourselves, and it's been such an odd cycle, but apparently I'm gonna be fighting to hide my sadness instead of jumping for joy this Thanksgiving. No doubt the way I feel, this is gonna turn heavy and she is coming, and I swear right after I POAS and was waiting, wth??? DH knows nothing, but he sure will today. It's date night, so we gotta really talk about his S/A next week (STAT). I need that peace of mind to keep trying.
So OK, now if I am supposed to go for CD3 bloodwork, (last month CD 3 unfortunately fell on a Sunday, and I did not wanna risk going CD 4 cause I read even CD 2 sometimes is recommended, and I want perfect results that are 100% accurate), so now what is the chance that my CD 3 will be on Thanksgiving weekend? Friday actually, day after Thanksgiving, but school's are closed, it's not an RE office yet, will my doc (OBGYN) even be opened? I don't wanna wait another cycle for this testing AGAIN
I am really depressed. It just felt so different, and bizarre this time. Like it was gonna happen, but maybe it never can or will again, and I just wanna cry. If you knew me from these boards many years back, I did not buy the big tests w/o some real thoughts, it was rare, and I was a much bigger POAS-AHOLIC cause we had been trying a long while, but.. I mean, I'd rather have a chemical at this point like I did once 12 years ago, just to know my body works. As long as it was super early, at least it would give me hope. Knowing I'm in the game and to look forward to another month.
Oh well. Got a dec. 16th RE appt. IDK, if they say IVF, our ins. covers nada and we won't get our dream come true b4 it's over. We have no credit history... odd but true, we have no family who would or could in DH'S side's case, loan us the money. The dream would be dead, and I'm afraid of what the doc will recommend. Not like we are 25 with tons of time. We have none to waste, and we had such great insurance when we didn't need IVF and now that we might...... we have nothing covered.
Sorry, I'm just ticked off. I pray I can get my bloods drawn on Friday. That office better be opened. I gotta call today.
UGH, I can't trust my body at all anymore. Sorry, I got little sleep and am ranting, my apologies. ANYBODY in a similar boat? These boards used to be so much more active it feels like, back in the day. I appreciate every buddy I can make though, believe me.