Do you tell people what you are going through?

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Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Mrs TTC » Wed May 28, 2014 1:30 pm

Hi. I've been stalking these boards for months but not posted...however I'm about to start on clomid due to not ovulating so going slightly insane with all the waiting. I just wondered if anyone else who is having any sort of treatment have told friends and family? I'm feeling so down in the dumps because every time we see people they ask constant questions about when we will have kids (we got married last year). We come up with every excuse under the sun but hubby is from a very large family and his brother and sisters all have children (none of which were planned!) and they just expect that we will follow suit. In my opinion it's very personal and no one else's business and I'd really prefer nobody knew but it's only a matter of time before tears will give me away! Just wondered how others cope or if I'm just being over sensitive. I feel so guilty that I'm putting my hubby through it too, he is desperate to be a daddy :(
Started clomid 50mg on 18th June 14.
TTC #1 since December 2013
16th July 14 :bfp:
5th August 14 Emergency scan due to bleeding. Tiny heart is beating and measuring 6wk 5days. Phew!!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Happyfroggy » Wed May 28, 2014 1:54 pm

The year we just spent trying we told no one. If there is one thing I will forever take away from my TTC journey and these boards it is that it is SUPER RUDE to ask people when they are going to have a baby. I know what you mean about making various excuses. Especially to the people that won't drop the issue. I mean, when someone gives you an awkward, uncomfortable response I think the message is PRETTY CLEAR that you should drop the subject. Guess I just happen to know a lot of dense people LOL!

I know some women have found relief by coming out of the closet and just saying that they are trying and that it's taking a while. I actually considered this but I know way too many well-meaning people that would tell me to relax or give me other stupid advice that would just make me mad lol so I opted not to tell. It's a very hard decision to make as to whether to tell people or not and there are definitely pros and cons to each. You could even opt to just tell a few select people and not everyone. Of course, then you are assuming those people won't blab. Although if they did, maybe the people who knew they weren't supposed to know wouldn't be able to say anything either way so that could be a benefit!

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BFP on Friday Feb 3rd 2017 but ended in miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks :(

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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Mrs TTC » Wed May 28, 2014 2:02 pm

I know what you mean! I've also had a hard time with AF (or lack of more to the point) so it's something I have always found to be super rude and wouldn't dream of asking someone. Plus I find it so odd because I'm pretty sure my father in law would never ask when I have sex so why is it ok to ask me when I'm going to get pregnant?! Oh it makes my blood boil. And like you say they just don't drop the issue!! I confided in my sister in law about my issues prior to me marrying DH so I thought she would at least not say anything but even she goes on, hence my dialema! Thanks for your reply though, it's a big help x
Started clomid 50mg on 18th June 14.
TTC #1 since December 2013
16th July 14 :bfp:
5th August 14 Emergency scan due to bleeding. Tiny heart is beating and measuring 6wk 5days. Phew!!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby rockinmysoxoff » Thu May 29, 2014 9:44 pm

I'm one of the few that doesn't think its rude at all to ask when a couple is going to have a baby. Its a perfectly innocent question and one I ask couples myself. I am a complete and utter open book. I refuse to keep something so emotionally heart wrenching to myself. I need to talk about it, otherwise I get depressed and that helps nobody. I also feel like there needs to be more awareness about how common infertility actually is. So many people keep quiet about their infertility that others don't know what to say and how to approach the subject. I figure if my infertility offends someone or makes them feel uncomfortable I dont really care. They aren't the ones with the empty arms.
Me=34 mild endo, fibroids, pcos....sluggish eggs
DH=36 low sperm count
TTC since july 10 2010
ectopic sept 17th at 7.5 weeks 2010 (so we know it's possible!)

I'm still here, fighting the good fight. We are still 'trying' but it's no big deal anymore if we don't have a baby. We have been together since October of 1998! We certainly didn't get married JUST to have babies! Good luck to everyone TTC!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Mrs TTC » Sat May 31, 2014 2:17 pm

I know what you mean, sometimes I wish I was more open but I really don't want everyone throwing out crap advice that I've heard a million times before. I think ill just keep my mouth shut for now and see how we go, especially until I get the next round of test results. Thanks for your reply, I really admire you being so open! Babydust xxxx
Started clomid 50mg on 18th June 14.
TTC #1 since December 2013
16th July 14 :bfp:
5th August 14 Emergency scan due to bleeding. Tiny heart is beating and measuring 6wk 5days. Phew!!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Stephaniepritchett » Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:37 am

Hey. I thought id add in this convo because I'm going thru the same things. Woke up this morning with AF. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I am skeptical about talking about ttc because of a miscarriage I experienced 1.5 years ago. I told everyone we were trying, and then that we had a bfp and then having to explain it again when we lost them ( twins)
Now that we're ttc again I feel alone. And frustrated. Dh supports me but I'm not sure how much he gets what afs arrival does to me . I'm glad to have found other women I can connect with. We can all be each others support
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Mrs TTC » Sun Jun 01, 2014 12:06 pm

Definately! I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's hard I think, to me it's so personal. I'm so glad to be able to vent and talk on here! The ladies are all so amazing. I'm always up for a ttc natter so feel free to message me! x
Started clomid 50mg on 18th June 14.
TTC #1 since December 2013
16th July 14 :bfp:
5th August 14 Emergency scan due to bleeding. Tiny heart is beating and measuring 6wk 5days. Phew!!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby jenn17 » Wed Jun 04, 2014 12:54 pm

I'm with you! My DH and I have been trying to conceive since we got married last year. And yes, the questions are coming. I'm one of those who thinks it's rude to ask when you are having kids because people don't realize how many of us are struggling with infertility, and how asking that question just reminds us of what we want so bad. I've told my mom because we've always been very close, and she had to take me to a couple of IUI appointments when DH couldn't be there. I've also told a co-worker who was going through the struggle with his wife this year. Now that they've had their twin girls, he's very busy with that and we don't talk about it as much. I think once you have kids you kind of move on from the fertility struggle. Otherwise, only my best friend knows. I've considered telling our immediate family b/c they want grandkids and a cousin for their daughter, but I think my mother-in-law would tell the world about our struggles, and I don't want to look around when I visit them wondering how many people we meet in town know about our problems. Also, some people are very judgmental about fertility treatments, particularly IVF which is our next step. I think everyone is different, but it seems like most of us just tell a few people in our lives, and lean on the women in these boards.
DH 37 me 39
TTC #1 since Aug. 2013
March 2014-laparoscopy/hysteroscopy removed moderate endo and septum
5 failed IUIs
Moving on to IVF
July '14 IVF-"freeze all" due to high progesterone, 3 snowbabies in the freezer
3 FETs cancelled due to thin lining
1/27 -hysteroscopy/lap to remove functional cyst, endo
3/1-started stims for IVF#2
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby Mrs TTC » Wed Jun 04, 2014 1:57 pm

I have to admit I do feel like I lean on the woman on here an awful lot lately ! I'm so grateful for the support on here. We were at a family function the other week and I caught my mother in law trying to stop her sister from carrying on asking me why I'm not pregnant (in a cutting of the throat behind my back sort of way, I don't think she realised I could see her) so I feel like they are guessing and now just talking about us when we aren't around. I find it beyond rude that people go on about why I haven't had babies yet but I just don't know how to deal with it! Grr. Sorry got on a bit of a rant there!
Started clomid 50mg on 18th June 14.
TTC #1 since December 2013
16th July 14 :bfp:
5th August 14 Emergency scan due to bleeding. Tiny heart is beating and measuring 6wk 5days. Phew!!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby SouthernBelle_87 » Thu Jun 05, 2014 8:35 am

Hey! I just wanted to add.. We have been trying for a year, and at first we didn't tell anyone at all. It was fine for a while but I would say about six months in I was getting frustrated. I had to confide in my friends and my mom. It made me feel better it was like a weight was lifted off and I didn't feel AS alone. We were getting questioned by family, and since we are going to start fertility treatments we decided to just go ahead and tel them too. all questioning stopped once we told them that we had been trying for a while with no result and were moving on to the next step. It's easier to deal with the fact that they know everything as opposed to hearing the questioning!! And I've also confided in a friend of mine who struggled and ended up having to do 2 rounds of IVF. And hubby has told a friend of his. At this point I'm more concerned with getting pregnant than I am with who knows whether we are TTC or not!
Me(27) DH(27)
TTC#1 Since July 2013
4/2014: DX PCOS
5/2014: DH's SA shows high count, motility, and morphology!

6/16/14: Cycle 1 Femara+Pregnyl trigger shot... :bfp: on 7/13!!
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby mrs v » Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:57 pm

Dh and I have been trying about 8 months. He wanted to keep it all secretive until we are pregnant several weeks . At first I was all for it and now since its been a while and I'm about to do my hsg and begin clomid, I would like to talk to close family. My dh only understands so much about the ins and outs of what's about to happen.

I have always asked couples when they were going to have a baby but know that I'm in the situation of praying for a baby and haven't conceived, I feel so differently.
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby ccubed84 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 6:57 pm

This is a good topic. I haven't really told anyone about our struggle, but maybe 2 friends. I haven't even told my mom or sister. I just don't want them asking questions or inquiring. It's hard not to tell because it's such a big issue in our life, but it's just too private to me.

And I HATE when people ask when are we having kids. I want to chew them out and thank them for the reminder that nothing has happened in 2.5 yrs!! I know it's an innocent question and they mean no harm, but I just hate it when they ask.
TTC since Feb 2012
3 months of Clomid Oct -Dec 13 - BFN
IUI #1 - March 14, with letrazole and trigger shot - BFN
IUI #2 - May 14 with letrazole and trigger shot. Husband had 2% morphology and 7 million post wash.
IUI #3 - July 9 - letrazole, Gonal-F injections, trigger shots and progesterone pills. 4, possible 5 follicles. BFN.

I have low progesterone and husband has 3% morphology. Other than that everything else is normal.
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Jul 06, 2014 11:37 pm

I used to ask people, before I knew that infertility was such a big issue for so many people. I don't think people are dense they just don't know. People are so good at not talking about it, unless you are going through it or know someone who is, the thought of it doesn't occur to most.

We never went out and told people we were struggling but there were some discussions where it came up. I found there were a LOT more people than I expected in the same position as us. I also found that since my sister started sharing her journey with me it was much easier for me to understand what she was feeling and the things we did and said that bothered her.

I wish people would talk about infertility and loss more, but I get why we don't. It's pretty personal and sensitive and until someone truly understands the naivety is hard to escape, and some people may never understand.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

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2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby calz » Fri Jul 11, 2014 8:45 am

I would not mind my own parents or in laws asking me, because I know they'd ask out of genuine concern than anything else. Anyone else asks then it really bothers me. I'm quite reserved and don't like sharing my life with just anyone, I am not an open book, that's just the way I am. Sometimes people make extremely derogatory comments when asking, and I know the nature in which they are asking me is more nosey-ness than concern. There's a different tone with others who ask if they are worried about you.

Also, my own parents nor in laws have never even asked us even once! They've made hints to let us know they are aware that we're trying, but they've left it up to us to tell them about any problems or issues we are facing along the way. I live far from my mother and I plan on telling her next month when I'll be seeing her for a bit, just because I know she's worried about it and the fact that both our parents have had enough respect for us to not probe us or bother us about it warrants for some of their worries to be put to ease by involving them with what is going with our fertility treatments. It must be hard for them not knowing what's going on. But I don't really want to share our problems beyond our parents.. not even siblings. I don't have any sisters so I think that might be the reason why I don't want to involve siblings lol.

I have a great GYN who's a family friend. She's very good at keeping secrets, and very good with understand my wanting to keep everything a secret. I was feeling very alone in this whole process before I started getting treatment from her, and she's since been a great emotional support system for me! Just the other day when I was visiting her, she asked the nurse to sit me in the staff room. After a while she came into the staff room and explained that some friends of my family were sat in the general waiting area and she didn't want me to have to be confronted with them, so she had asked the nurse to sit me in the staff room so that I could hide myself. I'm very lucky I found a great GYN along my journey in TTC.

It's tough though if you aren't an open book type of personality. You do feel very alone.
Me - 27
DH - 28

Married 4 years
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Re: Do you tell people what you are going through?

Postby kazzacamz » Sat Jul 12, 2014 6:15 pm

I just wanted to chip in on this conversation. We have also been ttc since we got married last year. I had lots of people ask over time, mostly close friends and family. I use to just respond with "we are trying" and people just got the hint to drop it. Sometime the really keen ones would keep asking but they stopped. However, now I barely have anyone ask me. I have also told most people that we are seeing a specialist and getting help. I think cause they have no clue about that they don't really talk about it, as it is out of their realms. If anything, they try and support by bringing up other distant relies who also had problems but eventually had children as a way to try and comfort me.

If anything I get frustrated that people I do tell don't really understand and don't know how to respond. They all try and say it will be fine but I don't know why, but them saying that just makes me angry and hurt. I don't find it comforting. I think its cause they never had issues and that it was fine for them so they don't seem worried. I feel like I just want someone to get upset and say sorry and not say all real be alright. I remember the first time I told my sister I will probably struggle to have children cause of PCOS and was wanting someone to talk to my concerns about and her response was "I wish I could still have children". She has a hysterectomy so children are no more for her, however, she has 5 children, most of them mistakes cause she was like highly fertile or something. That hurt a lot. I love all these support groups cause its the closest I can get to people understanding, but I just wish I could talk to someone in person who really understood.

But back to the topic of the forum, I reckon telling people definitely helps. I am not an open person and didn't go blab, but said the minimum that made stop people asking. Most people just seem to awkward to want to talk about it. By telling too, didn't necessarily say we were having troubles, just trying and after a while I think they just put two and two together.

But yes, even telling people, I still do feel alone.
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