Same-sex couple needs advice

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Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby va_mommies » Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:32 am

We need advice, we are starting to lose hope and confidence that will be able to start a family. And please, if you are against same-sex couples choice of making a family, do not comment, just keep your negativity to yourself, we are a honest loving couple looking for help. I am sorry that this is a long post, just very emotional and lost.

My wife and I have been trying to conceive since Aug 2014, we started at Shady Grove doing IUI, my wife who wants to carry, she is 31, healthy, they ran all the test, we had the HSG done, everything showed there is no reason she shouldn't get pregnant. Our first 4 IUI cycle all ended up in BFN, they were even medicated, and trigger shot. We decided to switch insurance companies that covers 50% of IUI and IVF. During the switch over, we stop going to shady grove, and did ICI at home, with medication, ended a BFN. We have switched our donor 3 times now, we are using frozen sperm from a cryobank, the mobility numbers of the donors have been from 20k-30k% which we know is good!

When we got all the insurance stuff worked out with Shady grove, we went back and told them that we feel we are wasting our money on the failed IUI/ICI, they felt the best choice was to go to IVF, so they put in with our insurance (Kaiser federal) to go ahead for IVF. Reason we switch to that crappy insurance, they told us it did not matter if we were using donor sperm or not. WELL surprise surprise, they denied us cause we are using donor sperm (funny though, they approved us for IUI with donor sperm?!?!) We told Shady grove we are going to appeal to the insurance company, and take a break.

While we are getting our stuff together for the appeal, we did another ICI at home, 3 vile, preseed, one on OPK night, 24 hours later, then 36 hours later, also used soft cup after injection/orgasm(tmi) We made it a nice fun date night, with a little wine and dine, relaxing each night. We thought we would get real lucky this time, but today her temperature drop, and the other night had a little brown/red mixed into her CM (which we know by now that means her AF is coming)

We don't understand what the problem is, she is on vitamins, not drinking coffee, we are on a fertility diet, cut sugar and carbs. We have tried everything we've seen floating around with information that could help with trying to conceive. We don't know what to do, shady grove is no help, our obgyn is no help, we feel lost. We are scared to go back to shady grove do more medicated and trigger cycles knowing that they won't work. We don't want to pay out of pocket for IVF (if Kaiser won't approve us) knowing that we could also lose out on 10k. We have 3 ICI vile left from our current donor we've paid for. We don't know what to do, keep trying at home, and at least not lose money from the IUI cycle until we hear back from Kaiser? UGH we just don't understand.
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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby Amouna87 » Fri Jan 16, 2015 1:16 pm

Hey hun
I don't have experience with same sex TTC but didn't want to read and run because it's awful when ttc makes you feel so low- and it seems your dr/obgyns are just plain frustrating as hell!
You started ttc in aug 2014 so it's only been 5 cycles, I'm sure it seems waaay longer (i've been trying for 18months and I know at 5 months I was thinking when the hell is this gonna happen?!), but it can take a perfectly healthy female up to 12 months to conceive and that's considered totally normal so don't lose hope yet :) You sound like you're doing all the right things- keeping it fun, relaxing etc so I am sure it will only be a matter of time- also you don't have to worry about there being any other issues as in male fertility or partner fertility- and its great your other half has no issues so I would say just continue doing what you're doing and I am sure before you know it one of those spermies will meet catch the egg :) sorry I haven't been of much help but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in all this frustration :) xxx
When the world says "give up", hope whispers "try it one more time"
2 years TTC #1
Me (28) DH (28)
Me: So far so good thank God
DH- Low morphology (2%) & slightly below average count (18mill/ml) everything else okay

HSG Feb 15: All good

Always praying so hard for our BFP!
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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby Riteous » Fri Jan 16, 2015 6:00 pm

Hello I didn't want to read and run either and agree with everything Amouna posted. My only question would be do you know if your donor has had any successful pregnancies in the past? I've never used donor sperm and don't even know if they track or release that info...
Sara (42), DH (45)
TTC - 7 Years
Unexplained Infertility
5/31/13 - 1st IUI, 100mg Clomid & trigger = BFN
July - Sept. 2013 Natural cycle = BFN
10/3/13 - 3rd IUI, 100mg Clomid & trigger = BFN
11/2013 - 04/2014 - Natural cycle = BFN
May/June 2014 - IVF #1 - 9 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized, 3DT of 1AB embryo = BFN
March/April 2015 - IVF #2 (AFOLIA Study) 9 eggs, 7 mature, 4 fertilized w/ICSI - transferred 2 eight cell grade A's = BFN, no snowbabies
06-02-2015 - Natural BFP - Beta 5235!!!! Crazy!!!
07-06-15 - M/C
07-08-16 - Natural BFP
08-04-16 - M/C
10-2016 - Diagnosed with MTHFR C677T Gene Mutation, Antithrombin 3 and Protein C deficiencies
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Location: Tampa, FL

Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby beelady » Sat Jan 17, 2015 12:02 pm

Hi there. My advice would be to try and inseminate prior to your peak fertility as well as ovulation day, because sperm can live for days in fertile cm and need to undergo a process called capacitation in order to fertilise an egg, and capacitation can take upto 10 hours. If you can inseminate prior to the lh surge hopefully the sperm will be ready and waiting for the egg when it is released.

I know Dr Google can give the wrong info sometimes, but I have found several website (sorry can`t remember which) that say that the most successful day to have sex for ttc is the day before you Ov, and the next most successful day is 2 days before Ov. As the egg can only live for 12 hours, inseminating 36 hours after Ov probably won`t help.

How are you tracking fertility? I use a clearblue fertility monitor that I bought second-hand from ebay, and I really like it because it tells you days of high fertility, as well as peak fertility, it is much easier to read than squinting at opk`s I find. I also track other signs like cm, position and texture of the cervix, ov pain, and (tmi) wether I feel amorous or not.

I have conceived twice in the last year putting soft cups in after dtd with a bit of preseed in the cup. Unfortunately I have mc twice (but that`s another story) and the other thing I have tried is taking Robitussin to thin cm.

Other than that it sounds like you are doing the right things, but like Amouna said, it can take a healthy couple a while to conceive; it took me over a year to conceive our son when I was in my young and fertile twenties.

Please don`t get too downhearted, I`m sure you will get your bfp, other ladies doing donor insemination get their bfp`s on this site. Good Luck!
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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby va_mommies » Sat Jan 17, 2015 1:09 pm

Thank you everyone, we've actually had 6 cycles now. AF started today, so we are out this one. Our donor has at least 5 pregnancies, they do track it if people report it. We've done the robitussin and preseed too along with an instead cup. This next time we are thinking of getting a speculum and actually finding the cervix to ensure we are getting it there.

We have three vials this time, we plan to inseminate the day before the lh surge, the day of and the day after. We do monitor with the Clear Blue easy which is supposed to tell you the peak and high but we never get the high reading, always the peak. We plan to test a couple times a day so we can better catch it. We track the cycle using the Glow app where we track the BBT and other symptoms. We are hoping that our OB gets back to us about switching fertility meds as I didn't respond that well to clomid.

We finally got out letter from our RE and the records to file our appeal for IVF, maybe once we appeal it and get approved will be the day we actually get a BFP from at home...can wish that right?
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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby BunnyMom87 » Mon Feb 09, 2015 9:29 pm

My wife and I are ALSO a same-sex couple.

Let me tell you, we've also been through the wringer of ttc. From your posts it seems like you two are pretty up on your reading of fertility and timing. Plus you've done IUI which we've never had access too. I'm actually a smidge jealous! haha. So here's the run down of how we conceived Baby #1 as a same-sex couple. I'll try to keep it as short as I can!

Baby#1: In 2007 we decided to start trying for a baby. I was 20. We read Taking Control of Your Fertility and some other same-sex family planning books at the library. Since donor sperm is expensive and has the risk or not thawing correctly we decided to find a known donor. We ended up asking one of my wife's coworkers who recently had a baby with his then wife (so we assumed he was fertile). We handed him a condom to collect the semen and used a baby oral medicine syringe (If you ask for them at a grocery store pharmacy they usually will give you them for free!) I tried bbt to pinpoint ovulation but my chart was all over the place and never indicated O. We still tried inseminating thinking pregnancy is always possible! That cycle I jumped from a somewhat irregular 30 some day cycle to 78 days! I was convinced I was pregnant but the tests were always negative. I believe I went through a hysterical pregnancy. After my period finally came I had several more 70 some day cycles and we kept inseminating 1 or 2 times per cycle. When that wasn't working we decided to switch gears and plan our wedding (even though it wasn't legal in our state yet). We took a break from ttc, I focused on losing weight (that year of trying I ended up gaining like 30+pounds! probably partly due to lifestyle change and partly stress), and we decided to look for a new donor. Looking back, he was probably the worst choice possible! LOL He drank like a fish, smoked a ton of pot (And I've recently found out his semen transmitted chlamydia to me!).

Fast forward to 2010. We had our wedding in June, and planned to start ttc again after the honeymoon in July with our new *healthy* donor. Right after we came back from the honeymoon I went to the university clinic and they told me I probably have Pcos but am not officially diagnosed. They couldn't prescribe me clomid like a normal obgyn but could prescribe me ONE "trial" round of generic clomid due to my anovulation. They told us not to ttc that cycle (so incredibly dumb but we listened. Said my cycle length would tell them if 50mg was enough. So many problems with this logic. SO. MANY.). I had a textbook 28 day cycle. But since I wouldn't be prescribed any more I had to try and figure out when O would be(I stopped using opk's because they don't work if you're not ovulating). I assumed I'd go back to having cycles like they were before ttc and counted back 14 days. On cd16 and cd18 I think. We used Preseed lubricant, a syringe and a small Tupperware cup with my butt in the air for like 45 minutes lol. THAT was the cycle we conceived Baby#1! She is now 3 1/2

TTC#2 has been a challenge again, probably due to the Pcos/irregular cycles. I'm on clomid again this cycle and I"m crossing my fingers it helps like last time. My current fertility specialist definitely thinks it will. So here's hoping.

So ultimately I understand what you're going through as a same-sex couple trying to achieve pregnancy. All the extra hurdles are a major pan in the @ss and can be VERY disheartening. My mother-in-law used to cut me right to the core when we were having trouble conceiving by suggesting "Why doesn't (my wife) carry the Baby? She's probably super fertile!" While My wife desperately wanted a family with me, SHE never wants to carry and I REALLY DO. This same woman now has 6 children, the youngest of which is only 6 years old because she was jealous when her son had a baby with his crazy (now ex) wife. Such drama!! LOL.

Talk to your wife and think about the possibility of asking someone you know and trust to donate for you. Your issue may just be in the thawing of the sperm and fresh sperm might make all the difference. I'm also trying 1 baby aspirin a day. The blood thinning aspect is supposed to assist blood flow to the uterus/ovaries and help if blood clots are causing early pregnancies to abort.

Good Luck! I'm rooting for you!

[color=#FF0080]Baby#1 [size=150]Aubrianna June 2011
TTC Baby#2 since Feb 2014
BFP March 26th!!
Due Nov 30th
It's a Boy! Skylar Rowan


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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby Babee2015 » Mon Feb 23, 2015 11:20 pm

Va_mommies what an ordeal especially with the insurance!

It is very easy to feel let down, we go from understanding the window of fertility is so small to seeing all these kids so how small can it be right!!!

I think first some perspective iui rates are similar to natural cycles about a 10% success rate....the egg lives 12-24 hours (and yes I had a mini breakdown when I found this out on this our 3rd cycle) :D

Were your iui cycles monitored? Did they confirm how many follicles each time? I think I would want to start with knowing I was making healthy follicles...could you try clomid or equivalent for your at home attempts?

I have had differing info on how long thawed sperm live...some things say 12 hours and I cry....our lab tech said they thaw the same as they were fresh so their motility etc and life should be the same and they should last days...I'm not so sure

As for us we are in TWW for 3rd iui cycle for donor sperm, I would suggest going on the iui boards and currently there is one for same sex couples with a couple who have tried iui about 9 times so lots of experience over there!'

Good luck....sorry about you AF showing, it's the pits....I was saying the other day it's such a hard process as you decide you want a baby before you go through this so then when it doesn't happen it's hard...

There is also a same sex couple that got a Bfp recently on the other boards

Good luck!

Nov 2014 #1 IUI - 50 mg Clomid 5-9, donor sperm, pregnyl x 2 1500 - BFN

Jan 2015 #2 IUI - 100mg Clomid 5-9, Ovidrel trigger, donor sperm, pregnyl x 2 1500, BFN

Feb 2015 #3 IUI - 100mg Clomid 5-9, pregnyl x 2, BFN
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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby dpurejoy » Tue Apr 21, 2015 8:00 am

Thanks for posting a same-sex thread ... we have gotten lost in the forums that don't apply to us.

My wife and I just did our first IUI. On Friday the ultrasound showed 2 follicles (15mm and 14mm) and my lining was tri-layered and ready to go. They said they wanted the follicles a little bigger. Knowing they grow 2mm a day they scheduled my IUI for Monday afternoon. They asked me to take the ovadril shot Sunday morning to force ovulation (the hormones in the shot can also stimulate follicle growth). After reading the blogs I felt like doing the shot Sunday morning and then doing the IUI Monday afternoon we were going to miss the window.

Nevertheless, we did as requested and moved forward with it relying on the fact that they do this every day. We went in and there were 25 million sperm and 2 eggs ... we feel hopeful. It is only day 2 of the TWW and I am already ready to know. I have been googling symptoms, signs, etc ... some say sperm last 3-5 days, but more specifically to donor sperm - one site says this "Current research indicates that washed sperm can live 24-72 hours; however, it does lose potency after 24 hours. Another issue with IUI is that the sperm can keep on swimming beyond the fallopian tube, so the ideal window is really within 6-12 hours of the egg being released, with a larger margin before ovulation than after since the egg's viability is shorter."

With all the math we feel that it will have worked or not worked by 8:00 tonight. I am staying in a positive space so my body feels receptive and open for whatever may be trying to implant itself in there. will check back in after the TWW!!!
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Re: Same-sex couple needs advice

Postby dpurejoy » Thu May 07, 2015 7:55 am

Just checking back in ... our first IUI worked and around 9 DPO I began seeing a faint positive on my HPT. Bloodwork at the fertility center confirmed it and we are now 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant. My hCG on 15 DPO was 106 and my progesterone was 12. They said they would like the progesterone to be higher so I started Prometrium last night as a supplement. Many more weeks and ultrasounds and tests to go but we are crazy excited that it worked on the first round. Good luck and blessings to all TTC'ers
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