DEVASTATED, need support

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DEVASTATED, need support

Postby hopeful1020 » Sun Mar 22, 2015 4:57 pm

Hello, new to the boards...needed to vent and try to find some support/answers...

I'm 30 and my husband is 44; neither of us have children. Got married May 2014 and have been TTC since. Husband has always had symptoms of low T (low libido, low energy, weight gain) and since he now has health insurance we have been looking more into it, especially since we are both ready to start a family. His testosterone levels are low and his FSH and LH are very high. The doctor ordered a SA and the first one came back with NO SPERM. The doctor did not inform my husband at the time (to not freak him out) and just ordered another SA stating that "the lab did it wrong". The second SA showed RARE SPERM. This is when the doctor talked to him about it. Because of his other labs, MD thinks that he was born sterile or he had an injury to his testes during puberty (which he did as a bike accident). The doctor seemed to have no hope but stated he didn't like the lab we used so ordered a third SA at a lab that specializes in infertility. Husband and I just found this out 3 days ago...we cried for a while. We are both devastated. He really does not want to use donor sperm but is holding out hope that the 3rd SA shows more so we can do surgery...but given the info I have it just doesn't look good.

Would love some support/more info/guidance/a shoulder to cry on...we decided we weren't going to tell ANYONE until next month after he sees the doctor regarding the 3rd SA. So I have no one to talk to and am still in shock. I just wasn't expecting it. I wanted our children to have his looks and personality! I wanted to make love and conceive naturally. I am CRUSHED.

Also, I don't know much about donor sperm/procedure/selecting. We both are so ready to have a family and need to start making decisions soon after this MD appt next month.

Help :(
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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby bethann88 » Wed Mar 25, 2015 5:37 pm

I'm so sorry, hopeful. That is absolutely devastating. I am holding out hope for you still, but I know that is really tough news. Maybe the third SA will be better. Are you currently seeing his regular doctor or a fertility specialist? If possible, I would try to see a fertility specialist. Even if he has a low sperm count, they may be able to recommend something like IVF with ICSI (where the sperm are isolated and injected directly into the egg in a lab, then transferred to you when they've grown a few days) so that you don't have to use donor sperm.

I absolutely wish you the best. That's such a tough situation, and I know I also felt pretty alone through our infertility process as we weren't ready to share with anyone we were trying. If you see a specialist who can't offer some hope (and I might get a second opinion), take some time to consider whether there might be room in your hearts and lives for a baby born with donor sperm, or a baby that's not biologically yours. It's not for everyone, but many people do go on to have really happy, wonderful families those ways. Take care.
Me: Beth Ann, 34/DH: 31
TTC #1 since May 2013

9/2014 - Round 1 IUI (medicated, 50mg Clomid) canceled due to overstimulation of follicles
10/2014 - Round 1 IUI (natural) on 10/10/14, BFN
11/2014 - Round 2 IUI, BFN
12/2014 - Round 3 IUI, BFN
1/2015 - IVF canceled due to nurse improperly filing with insurance :(
2/2015 - IVF round 1! Egg retrieval 2/27/15, 3 day transfer 3/2/15
3/10/15 - faint BFP 8dp3dt
3/13/15 - Beta confirmed BFP!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/4796af
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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby MissBeasty » Thu Mar 26, 2015 5:22 pm


Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. Infertility can be heartbreaking for sure but thankfully, we are in an era where we have a world of information at our fingertips so, I shall be glad to offer some advice and links in hopes that they may help you. I know sometimes we can't help but feel totally at a loss but, try your best to have some faith (be it in God, the Great Spirit, or whatever), take a few moments to breath deep and focus on finding what may work for you both.

My first question is, does he smoke? Although there are some male smokers that still manage to father children, it is a good idea to eliminate any and every possible bad habit which may contribute to the low T & low SC. How he deals with stress can also contribute to it. Does he over stress or seem to not handle stress really well? If so, find alternatives to help him out with that like, go somewhere in nature for the weekend, go to the gym together, or practice meditation.

Those are some suggestions. Here are some links to info and supplements which may help out:

+Info about supplements+
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-re ... perm-count

+Pretty popular seller for male infertility+
http://www.amazon.com/Fairhaven-Health- ... S38WJ15WHC

+Good article regarding Improving Sperm by AskMen.com+
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/7-w ... sperm.html

+6 ways to improve male fertility naturally+
http://www.alive.com/articles/view/1777 ... _naturally

+And finally, a site dedicated to male fertility information+
http://www.increasespermvolume.com/supp ... erm-loads/

Good luck and babydust to you!
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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby Jean789 » Thu Mar 26, 2015 7:40 pm

@hopeful I'm so sorry you've received such devastating news. I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I hope you get some answers soon.
2013: off BC - not trying, not preventing
2014: tried clomid through OBGYN and got referred to specialist
2015: 1st IUI- femara- BFN
2nd IUI- femara - BFN
3rd IUI- femara- BFN
4th IUI - femara and gonal f - BFN
Took a month off
5th IUI - femara, gonal f, ovidrel, progesterone - BFN
6th IUI - femara, gonal f ( increased) ovidrel, progesterone- BFN
IVF #1 - BFP m/c early ~4.5 weeks
IVF #2 - BFP! Beta #1 - 790!
First ultrasound 6w3d - 1 baby :-) heartbeat 122
Second ultrasound 8w3d on 12/3/15 heartbeat 182
Graduated from fertility doctor!
First OBGYN appt. went well! We have a very active, jumping bean! :-)
Next appt. at 14 weeks.
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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby alexandra1234 » Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:09 am

Awwww, hopeful, I want to hug you.

It's not surprising at all to hear that you're really struggling right now. You've just been blindsided by some pretty crushing news, so take the time to grieve the loss of moments you thought you'd get to share with your husband that you now know are likely not in the cards for you. It's important to let the feelings come, and process them as well as you can manage. You are normal for feeling how you feel. I'm so sorry that things turned out this way for you. :(

Depending on where the issue is, your doc may be able to offer some options. Like another posted mentioned, ICSI may be a possibility, or if your dh is not making enough sperm for a decent collection, sometimes sperm can be extracted right from the testicles under anesthesia. There ARE options. If he is producing sperm at all, those swimmers CAN be isolated from wherever they are getting 'stuck', and used for IVF/ICSI. I am not sure of all the steps involved, and I am sure they are not the most comfortable, but it MAY BE POSSIBLE. If there is an issue where he is not making sperm at all, or making so few that their isolation would be truly cost-prohibitive and your insurance wouldn't cover it or whatever, then, well.... you'll cross that bridge when you come to it, which is all any of us can ever hope to do when we're on this journey.

Of COURSE you want your kids to look and act like your husband, and share his personality traits. You picked this wonderful man for a good reason! Of course you want your children to share his genes! Don't ever feel selfish for feeling this.

One step at a time, girlie. Do not be afraid to get another opinion, not only from a 3rd semen analysis lab, but from a different reproductive endocrinologist altogether. Along the way, let yourself experience the emotions that you need to experience. Do NOT feel like a fool for grieving the fantasy of being able to "make love and conceive naturally". It IS a loss, and it IS a grieving process. When I found out that my DH and I can only conceive via IVF/ICSI earlier this month, I had a hard time too, letting go of the "moments" I know I'd never get to have. I'll never go on a sexy beach vacation with my husband, make carefree love in the sand, and then two weeks later run with him to the drugstore in the rain, giggling, to buy an HPT because I've realized my period's late. I'll never have a "surprise"... my pregnancy tests will be peed on at precise, well-defined intervals, following weeks and weeks of blood tests, injections, and invasive medical interventions. But you know what? Oh well. There will be OTHER moments. And expectations can change, and be redefined, and you will develop new fantasies that WILL come true. We will get there, and when we do, it will be special, amazing, and RIGHT. It's a process, not only medically/physically, but psychologically and spiritually. Precious few women throw away their birth control to start TTC thinking "Hey, hopefully I'll get preggo soon, but if not, I'll totes adopt a baby from some other country and that'll be cool too!" It's a process, with many ups and downs, and lots of examination and re-examination of your own ...soul, really. Some moments will be devastating, but you are strong, and you will discover so much about yourself and your values through this process.

And you WILL get there, you WILL be parents, someday, somehow. Wonderful parents who will teach their children about what's truly important in life: LOVE. Love, and perspective.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
Me, dh: 33
IUD out: 01/'13.
Dec '13: HSG: R tube clear, L blocked-ish, hydrosalpinx
Jan-Oct '14: TTC break
Nov '14: TTC back on!
Dec '14: Clomid #1! BFN :(
Feb '15: Clomid #2. BFN
March '15: 1st RE appt: IVF with ICSI is our only option.
3/23 saline sono: WTF is that polyp doing in my ute?! 3/26: Hysteroscopic polypectomy
4/28: Embryo retrieval! 15 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized, 9 frozen.
5/3: 5-day transfer. BFN. :(
6/9: 5-day frozen transfer. OMG BFP!!!

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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby bethann88 » Fri Mar 27, 2015 1:16 pm

hopeful, I'm sorry it took a few days to get some good responses to your post -- I don't think this board sees a ton of traffic. But I think alexandra put it beautifully. And there are many of us around here who are going through similar things. If you do end up going the IVF route, I can't recommend the IVF boards enough. There's typically a buddy group for each month, and the one I just used as we went through IVF was such an amazing resource.

That goes for you, to alexandra! Exciting to see you'll be doing mock IVF and starting stims soon! DH and I really wanted to conceive on our own, and put off IUI and IVF for a while to see if we could make it happen... but when I got to do my u/s last week and see that tiny heart beat, it was like none of it mattered. Or it did matter -- it made it all the more precious. Now we couldn't be more thrilled. I hope you both get that moment soon!
Me: Beth Ann, 34/DH: 31
TTC #1 since May 2013

9/2014 - Round 1 IUI (medicated, 50mg Clomid) canceled due to overstimulation of follicles
10/2014 - Round 1 IUI (natural) on 10/10/14, BFN
11/2014 - Round 2 IUI, BFN
12/2014 - Round 3 IUI, BFN
1/2015 - IVF canceled due to nurse improperly filing with insurance :(
2/2015 - IVF round 1! Egg retrieval 2/27/15, 3 day transfer 3/2/15
3/10/15 - faint BFP 8dp3dt
3/13/15 - Beta confirmed BFP!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/4796af
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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby alexandra1234 » Fri Mar 27, 2015 1:20 pm

Thanks BethAnn! I will definitely be hopping onto the IVF board, already said hello on the March thread, but I'll be waiting for an April thread to really get into it. So much action on those boards, and so much amazing support! MASSIVE CONGRATS to you on your success. Grow baby grow! :)
Me, dh: 33
IUD out: 01/'13.
Dec '13: HSG: R tube clear, L blocked-ish, hydrosalpinx
Jan-Oct '14: TTC break
Nov '14: TTC back on!
Dec '14: Clomid #1! BFN :(
Feb '15: Clomid #2. BFN
March '15: 1st RE appt: IVF with ICSI is our only option.
3/23 saline sono: WTF is that polyp doing in my ute?! 3/26: Hysteroscopic polypectomy
4/28: Embryo retrieval! 15 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized, 9 frozen.
5/3: 5-day transfer. BFN. :(
6/9: 5-day frozen transfer. OMG BFP!!!

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My Ovulation Chart

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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby hopeful1020 » Wed Apr 01, 2015 7:30 pm

Hello ladies...this is my first time coming back to the boards since I posted...I just haven't been wanting to deal with it since I posted...I cried for 3 days straight and then just stopped. Been trying to push it to the back of my mind. Just been kind of low and bumming around.

Thank you bethann for the words of support...he has been seeing an excellent urologist. And his 3rd SA is going to be done at a infertility clinic. If it shows ANYTHING we will defiantly see an MD there since I researched the practice and they are very highly regarded. I scoured the web a couple hours looking into donor sperm....but I got sad and never told my husband...I think we will cross that bridge when we come to it. But if we can't use his sperm I think we will end up using donor sperm. I know it will crush my husband though and it makes me cry just thinking of it.

MissBeasty: no he never smoked and we live pretty healthy. According to the urologist, he seems to think he has been sterile his whole life, especially based on his intensive lab work. Since his FSH and LH are VERY high, that means his body keeps trying hard to make sperm without luck. I doubt herbs and supplements will help. We even pushed the MD for clomid but based on his labs he says it won't work for him (FSH already extremely high).

Jean789: Thank you. It means a lot to hear that.

Alexandra: Your post meant more to me than you can know. I read it 3 times through the tears. Very well said. Since I have NO ONE to talk to about this besides my husband and the internet, you help me feel not so alone. I am glad that other people can relate and that I am not alone in my struggles. I have been holding back tears for a week now and tonight it hit me like a sledgehammer. I pretended like I was OK but I am not. I need to grieve and there's other stuff going on in my life that I feel that it's hard to grieve...I know there is still hope and trust me when I say that my husband and I will look at ALL possible options before trying alternatives (donor sperm).

His 3rd SA is Monday but he had to cancel his MD appt on the 17th due to being out of town...since the doctor is very good at what he does he is booked until June...I flipped out on the receptionist this morning. I can't wait for an answer till June. I am losing it...

I know this isn't the end of the world and I have many, many things in my life to be thankful for and I KNOW that we WILL have children in the future that we will love and cherish...but this was quite the blow. I am trying to stay strong and "get over it" and understand that things could be worse but I break down every now and then :(

And the icing on the cake is that my husband's libido is, well, dead. For almost our whole relationship he has had low libido. In the past his regular doctor's just told him he had low T and to take some testosterone injections which was not an option for us since we knew we would wants kids in the future. We tried Cialis, sex therapy, and me being angry/sad/understanding/mad. Once we got the lab results, it was somewhat of a relief since we got an answer as to why he is like he is. But of course it's bittersweet. And we haven't made love in months. And I am just drowning and feel alone :(

I will keep you updated....
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Re: DEVASTATED, need support

Postby kaye5805 » Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:35 am

hopeful1020. I came across your post and I want you to know you are not alone. My husbands SA came back zero sperm as well. I was so upset. One full year of trying and we were missing a key ingredient. I did find comfort though in finally knowing something was wrong and that was the reason month after month we werent getting pregnant. My heart ached reading your message cause I remember my feelings on it too. I was so sad my kids wouldnt inherit my husbands dimples, or completely outgoing crazy personality and loving heart. We never knew how hard it was to get pregnant until going through it. We always thought hey you stop using protection and boom.. pregnant. Thats not the case for more people than you know. I so understand and am truly sorry you have to go through that too.
Since our diagnosis we have moved forward with using a donor. My husband chooses our donor because it is his factor to contribute. This is how he stays involved even though its not his sperm. We are firm believers its not the sperm that determines the father. Its the relationship that makes a father. Children inherit behaviors from who they are raised by, not genetics. As a children's ministry leader and a foster parent I know this is true! We use Fairfax Cryobank and you can get alot of information and even do photomatching to try to find someone who looks similar to your hubby. From the sounds of it, before you decide whether you should use a donor you may want to seek counseling first. My RE says its usually recommended. We didnt only because my hubby was completely pro donor. Hang in there with your husband love. My hubby struggled with sex for a bit as well because he felt it was pointless. This is how they handle the grief. They know how much we want something and they feel like they have failed. Be encouraging and supportive to him because its his loss too. There is light at the end. My hubby is back to normal and very actively deciding who we are using for our IVF. If you ever need just a friend to listen I am here for you! Send me a PM and I'll give you my number. You dont have to go it alone!!
Dec 2012 off bcp
Dec 2013 SA shows zero sperm:(
January 2014 hsg and my bloodwork normal
Feb 2014 dh blood tests normal. Decided to try TESA but made decision would use donor if nothing found
March 2014 Tesa done..no sperm:(
2 Unmedicated IUIS- BFN
2 Medicated IUIS- BFN
IVF consult new RE December 4, 2014
12/23/14 Sonohysterogram (fibroids!!!!)
2/3/15 Abdominal Myomectomy 9 fibroids removed
3/27/15 Hysteroscopy with D&C
April Cycle Delayed :(
New IVF cycle start 5/4/15
6/17/15 transfer two 5day blasts ..loss at 6weeks
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