Pirates!

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Pirates!

Postby Rae86 » Sat May 02, 2015 6:57 pm

This is my first post on this website, up until now we have been going it alone in this journey but I have decided now is the time to share some of it with others who might actually know how it feels. If you can relate, I send all my love out to you and my best wishes that your hopes will be fulfilled...

Ok, here we go:

I have never bought baby stuff for my..."own children" before -that sounds weird. We don't have kids. We have been trying for a child for almost two years though and over that time I have purchased heaps if baby presents for friends and siblings as they welcomed their little ones into the world.

But today we were at a vintage style shop and I saw the cutest little rattle, it was a pirate, with an eye patch and a stripey shirt. For a moment I pictured this fantasy of my own baby holding it in their chubby little fingers and I gave in to hope. I said to my husband"or if we can't have kids then we can give it to the next person who has a baby."

Thats the thing though, isn't it. We may not ever be able to have our own child, we don't know if we are medically capable of it. Our doctor is in the process of running tests but we have no answers yet.

Would I simply be able to re-gift this small treasure which I bought for my own precious child to some lucky family who probably had "whoops-a-daisy baby" and already have 7 other healthy children?
no. Hell No!

Ok, so this is why I have avoided buying any baby stuff over these long years of waiting and seeing. Because, it's painful enough feeling the emptiness inside let alone having to see a baby rattle still unopened in its box just gathering dust.

Hope. It is what will always get me in the end. Hope is stronger than my self will. It is tremendously dangerous. Hope is what leads to agony, despair and meaninglessness. I have learned to ration it. Every few months I let myself hope, then I deal with the aftermath. I guess my little pirate friend was a ration. Two years of trying for a baby, you get to buy a rattle.

It is very cute. It suits my husband and my and our taste in things, its quirky, not another corny animal one like all the rest. What will I do with it?

I will put him in my draw, next to the little dress I wore as a baby and hoped my own daughter might have worn and the tiny photo frame I have kept since I was a teenager to one day contain my child's picture. I will give myself permission to open the draw every few months and even have a cry.

Maybe one day we will have a child. Maybe we will not and mr pirate will be a symbol to help me grieve and somehow even let go.
Rae86
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Danaa » Sun May 03, 2015 5:30 am

Hello and welcome,im sure you will a lot of nice woman here who you can talk to,TTTc is a stressful hour and you don't have to go trough alone,I'm here and so many other women!Hope is all we have and we have too keep that alive!!!You have been trying for a while now,what kind of tests are you doing?is ur husband going to have a semen analysis?Do you have regular periods?How do you confirm ovulation?Temp or opk's?
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My Ovulation Chart
.
Me 29
DH 31
After 3 years in which we tried everything we are doing IVF in Greece with Iakentro Athens.
Short Protocol with Bemfola and Cetrotide
19mature eggs and we have 9 day5 blasto.
FET#1 ended in a loss around 5 weeks
FET#2 ended in a loss at 22w due to IC,my boys will be forever in my heart .
FET#3 ?
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Rae86 » Mon May 04, 2015 1:21 am

Thanks for your friendly welcome Danaa. To be honest, I wrote the main text a few months ago and have been working up the courage to join a forum since. So we do know some things now from the tests:

I am ovulating, usually round day 14 to 16 and have regular cycles 30 to 28 days long.
I apparently have PCOS but I am a healthy weight and don't seem to have many symptoms, I try to be really careful with my diet so I guess that's why.
I had a really early (5weeks) miscarriage in 2013 and they said that I had fibroids but not enough to really be concerned about.
I am waiting for an ultrasound which I have been on the waiting list for a few months now(public health system), it will finally happen on the 12th of May. So hopefully that will be all good news.

Hubby has super high sperm count
However it is also higher than normal in abnormal looking ones and they are poor swimmers.

As far as I can see it is not impossible for us to naturally conceive but 2 years of waiting has been agony and our doctor said he will write us a referral for The IVF clinic after we get the results from the ultrasound. We are pretty nervous about IVF especially hubby who just thinks I need to be more paitent. He has agreed to at least go and see what they say..maybe there is something less invasive and expensive we can try first. But yeah, that's were we are at right now.
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Danaa » Mon May 04, 2015 6:28 am

Fibroids are always something to worry about!Have had them removed?Do you use opks?have you had hsg?there are so many tests you have to do before ivf,I have been trough a bunch and I had two rounds of injectables and now I'm ready for ivf!How do you know you O cd16?
Image
My Ovulation Chart
.
Me 29
DH 31
After 3 years in which we tried everything we are doing IVF in Greece with Iakentro Athens.
Short Protocol with Bemfola and Cetrotide
19mature eggs and we have 9 day5 blasto.
FET#1 ended in a loss around 5 weeks
FET#2 ended in a loss at 22w due to IC,my boys will be forever in my heart .
FET#3 ?
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Danaa
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Rae86 » Mon May 04, 2015 6:44 am

Oh really? I am pretty clueless about this stuff, the doctor did not seem concerned so I was not worried, this might seem like a stupid question but why are they bad? They were never removed. I suppose I will find out what is going on when I have the ultrasound next week. I charted CM and body temp for the first year and a half but then my puppy chewed my thermometer lol so I stopped. I know I'm ovulating because I have had a day 21 blood tests the last few months and I use LH hormone ovulation tests at home, you know, pee on a stick thingies are they what you call OPKs? I don't know the jargon I'm afraid, really have been going it alone.

It is a relief to know there are other steps and more tests to go before IVF. How long has the process been for you Danaa? It must be so exciting though, now you are ready for IVF! When do you start? All the best xx
Rae86
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Danaa » Mon May 04, 2015 7:03 am

Well bcs if the fibroids grow in size is not good for you they might prevent a pregnancy or they might grow to block ur Fallopian tube!!If you have to to ask your doctor more!Yes opk-ovulation strips,hpt-pregnancy test,dpo-days past ovulation,AF-aunt flow(period)lp-lutheal phase,bfn-big fat negative,bfp-big fat positive!My journey has been long ,I started out with a
Papsmear,cd3 blood tests,hsg,hysteroscopy,SA-semen analysis,laparoscopy,hsg again,ovarian stimulation with hormones,injectables(GonalF,Menopur etc)and bcs none of that worked my next step is ivf!Im taking few months to lose some weight then start ivf,i have to lose like 20lbs bcs TTC has made me gain alot of weight and the hormones didn't helped!!Of course when I get to ivf clinic they will ask more test!TTc is a long painful and expensive journey!
Image
My Ovulation Chart
.
Me 29
DH 31
After 3 years in which we tried everything we are doing IVF in Greece with Iakentro Athens.
Short Protocol with Bemfola and Cetrotide
19mature eggs and we have 9 day5 blasto.
FET#1 ended in a loss around 5 weeks
FET#2 ended in a loss at 22w due to IC,my boys will be forever in my heart .
FET#3 ?
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Danaa
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Rae86 » Tue May 05, 2015 2:11 am

I will definitely ask my dr more about the fibroids, perhaps they are the reason we have not concieved for so long, thanks for the heads up. All my friends and sisters in law keep conceiving without even trying and they tell us we should just relax and stop trying so hard...but it's more stressful trying not to be stressed! And if there is something I can do about it I'd rather do it than stick my head in the sand any more. You share have been poked and prodded, hopefully there won't be too much more waiting and seeing for you once you see the IVF clinic. It really is so unfair that after waiting so long for a baby we have to wait for tests and results etc. Perhaps going through all this will make us better parents than we would have been if it were easier to begin with. Good luck with the weight loss. But 9kgs is not too much to loose realistically, do you have a fast metabolism? It is crazy what stress and hormones can do to the body. Are you getting a personal trainer? The my fitness pal app is really good to help keep track of things, I have used it pretty successfully https://www.myfitnesspal.com
Rae86
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Re: Pirates!

Postby Danaa » Tue May 05, 2015 6:13 am

Ohh i love myfitnesspal,I used to have a good metabolism but since the TTC i have been so stressed that i doesn't seem to work as before !!!Im doing home exercise,we just got a puppy and he needs attention lol,all the poo and pee aiiii im scared to go out bcs when I'm coming I know for sure he wil have peed all over the place!!I have a good relationship with my parents and DH family they know our problem and they have been so supportive of us i can't complain but yes there are people who just think that we need to relax and every time I hear that I would like to punch him/her in the face or my favorite:have faith God and pray God will send you a baby when you least expect it!!!im a fairly religious person I believe in God I prayed for a baby but I just can't sit back and pray and hope to get pregnant,I'm not Virgin Mary!!!Is exhausting!!!
Image
My Ovulation Chart
.
Me 29
DH 31
After 3 years in which we tried everything we are doing IVF in Greece with Iakentro Athens.
Short Protocol with Bemfola and Cetrotide
19mature eggs and we have 9 day5 blasto.
FET#1 ended in a loss around 5 weeks
FET#2 ended in a loss at 22w due to IC,my boys will be forever in my heart .
FET#3 ?
User avatar
Danaa
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Posts: 9278
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 5:54 am

Re: Pirates!

Postby Danaa » Tue May 05, 2015 6:18 am

viewtopic.php?f=22&t=235547&start=270 Click the link joi me there is a buddy group with really nice girls !!
Image
My Ovulation Chart
.
Me 29
DH 31
After 3 years in which we tried everything we are doing IVF in Greece with Iakentro Athens.
Short Protocol with Bemfola and Cetrotide
19mature eggs and we have 9 day5 blasto.
FET#1 ended in a loss around 5 weeks
FET#2 ended in a loss at 22w due to IC,my boys will be forever in my heart .
FET#3 ?
User avatar
Danaa
Girlfriend
Girlfriend
 
Posts: 9278
Joined: Wed Nov 12, 2014 5:54 am

Re: Pirates!

Postby Rae86 » Thu May 07, 2015 10:20 pm

Thanks Danaa I will. Lol I love that one "God will give you a baby when you least expect" when you are ttc, when are you not going to expect it?

How old is your puppy? We just went through all that, though our Frank is 1 year old now and he doesn't pee and poo in the house anymore. Does your pup have a little play area for when you are away? We made a little removable fence in our kitchen so that at least the mess was only in one area when we came home. Made cleaning a bit easier. Ha ha good practice for having a baby....but at least babies wear nappies! When your pup gets bigger though, it will be great for your fitness, I go on a 1k walk with Frank most days, I doubt I'd be motivated to do it without him. Enjoy!
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