Appointment with OBGYN gone bad

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Appointment with OBGYN gone bad

Postby lisianthus » Thu Oct 01, 2015 2:07 pm

Beware, long post ahead.

What happened?
I am stunned. I am still in utter disbelieve of what happened yesterday. What went wrong. How could we get stuck in deeper and deeper s**t. Like, the worst possible outcome happened. No matter what I said, my OBGYN projected worse and worse things on me. I was incapable of anything to say that would have turned around the situation. He got me so awfully wrong.

A beautiful and lovely day, and all I wanted to do is prepare myself for our first RE appointment (scheduled End of Oct), get our stuff together like we would do for any other important meeting - I expected encouragement from my OBGYN. I expected: great to see you Mrs. E.! Looking forward to your RE appointment at the clinic? Excellent! What can I do for you. Have you got any questions?

What I got was: shaming. I was baby-shamed. (Is that a word? Carrie from SATC would use the word: shoe-shamed, and I thought that would somehow maybe fit here?). I was told, I'm stressing. I can't expect answers to e-mails since he is a busy doctor. He makes appointments but emails are on his very bottom of to-do list.

From the top.
- Since May 2015 (1year into TTC) we learned we had low sperm count and nearly zero (3%) well progressive sperm (93% dead).
- Since we are a well balanced, happy couple, we weren't bitter but took the opportunity to enjoy the summer ahead (picked up on the alcohol intake that is). My DH added some Fertilaid to the mix and I could rest my brains on the thought that nothing will happen since nothing - literally - was there to happen.
- Beginning of Sept. the decision was made: we go ivf. We had 4 months to reflect and we were comfortable with our decision.
- I write an email to my OBGYNs office, letting him know about our decision and asked about "how to proceed" (we have never done that before after all). simple questions on my mind: are you referring us to an RE right away or do we meet with you upfront; should we come in together or just me; should i come in on a specific cycle day; Will we need a second SA. Simple yes/no questions.... this will backfire on me later.
- After 4 days with no response, I look for his "direct" e-mail and re-send, raise the question that the first e-mail might have gotten lost in the general office mail
- no answer
- another 4 days later I ask for at least a confirmation that my email went through. No response. i call the office. No help there.
- he calls me on day 11 after my initial email with some halfway excuse. making clear, he don’t appreciate no two mails in a row. he has got a busy life.
- we made an appointment to get some bacteria culture tests done (and that was yesterday’s app.)

Merly my wish to be informed and accumulate the necessary tests for our first RE appointment, made my OBGYN jump to the conclusion: I stress. He let me know in detail how many emails and whatsapp messages he receives a day and how he is not answering emails at 10pm. Defending his profession, without me even complaining about it. I would never, ever question the workload of a doctor!
Neither did I get the opportunity to defend myself. To articulate how absolutely wrong his observation was. How my past year has been a great one. Yes, maybe not the easiest but certainly not equal to a stressed out baby crazy want it all here and now lunatic woman.

...
After six months off the pill with a regular cycle, I dared to introduce some home remedies: pee on a stick, cut back on coffee, taking my temps. Excuse me for doing something. I wouldn't call that stressing. If it were up to my doctor I should have persuaded a new career, bought a house, planed a trip to the moon and get divorced and married all at the same time. B/c "allowing your brain to hope for a baby is bad if you want a baby".

Our first appointment with our RE is scheduled 1 month from now. I wanted the appointment with my OBGYN b/c he is supposed to be the one to make the first connection with this very new and unknown topic. But got bitterly disappointed:
- stop stressing
- you are too pushy, expecting e-mail answers
- doctors work non stop
- other women get pregnant once they let go, I've seen it multiple times
- let go, have a happy blissful month of sex instead of trying to prepare documents.

Nothing that he said, was true to who I am. He brand marked me because of my simple wish to be prepared. What will that do if me and DH show up for our first RE appointment and be told to bring bloodwork from cycle day 1-4? I can fit it in now and won’t have to count the days until it’s that time of the month again. Why wait until later.

I was sobbing my eyeballs out, sitting and trying to set the record straight of how ridiculous and hurtful his "observation" was. But I felt defeated. I felt I had gotten this humongous stigma on my forehead that is now out in the universe: beware, stressed baby wanting crazy woman.

He made me feel so ridiculous. Up on his super exclusive I know it all doctor chair. Can’t I expect some kind of sensibility from a doctor in that matter? And when has "you stress too much, relax" ever helped. Bad enough to hear it from your friend/relative, but from your OBGYN!? I'm truly broken over this.

What went wrong.
april 2014 - start ttc #1
------
may 2015 - mfi (low count, low motility)
nov 2015 - ivf stimming #1 - 18 eggs retrieved, 9 fertilized, 1 transferred, 7 frozen - bfp!
------
jan 2016 - natural m/c at (8w5d)
mrch 2016 - medicated fet #1, bfn
apr 2016 - unmedicated fet #2, bfn
june 2016 - medicated fet #3, cancelled five days prior to transfer, (PGD results: none came back ok)

aug 2016 - IVF stimming #2
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Re: Appointment with OBGYN gone bad

Postby Wishfull » Thu Oct 01, 2015 3:02 pm

Oh Honey! Your doctor went wrong. That's what went wrong. I would change doctors. You pay him and you should give money to anyone that talks down to you. I don't care if you were high strung, anxious and demanding to be heard. That's his job. And if he doesn't want to "deal" with women wanting babies then he needs to change his specialty.
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Re: Appointment with OBGYN gone bad

Postby Danaa » Fri Oct 02, 2015 12:57 am

that doc is an @ss hole. No one should treat you like this,HE WORK FOR YOU.I say change doc, I know is not easy but you should try.If my doc would have told me to relax knowing we have problems that is preventing us to conceive I would just kik him in the ball's. I hope everything works out for you.Good luck.
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Re: Appointment with OBGYN gone bad

Postby rockinmysoxoff » Fri Oct 02, 2015 8:23 am

luckily you have an appointment scheduled for end of October. That is fabulous news! Also, find a new OB-GYN, he's not the right doctor for this kind of situation. It will feel great going to a clinic that WANTS to get you pregnant. Just literally forget everything about your OB appointment and look to the future.
Me=34 mild endo, fibroids, pcos....sluggish eggs
DH=36 low sperm count
TTC since july 10 2010
ectopic sept 17th at 7.5 weeks 2010 (so we know it's possible!)

I'm still here, fighting the good fight. We are still 'trying' but it's no big deal anymore if we don't have a baby. We have been together since October of 1998! We certainly didn't get married JUST to have babies! Good luck to everyone TTC!
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Re: Appointment with OBGYN gone bad

Postby scarletWillow3086 » Sun Oct 04, 2015 7:30 am

This is absurd. My own doc said not to listen to 'dont stress' comments because its hogwash! Your doc is himself stressed and venting to you. Get a new doc. I love mine and I always leave there feeling better than going in. Thats how it should be. You dont need this from ANYONE right now.
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