Am I a horrible person?

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Am I a horrible person?

Postby Paczek » Tue Oct 20, 2015 11:29 am

Hi All

My partner and I have been trying to conceive for about 3.5 years. In the last 12 months or so lots of my friends or colleagues have started getting pregnant and having children. Each time i'm told somebody is pregnant I get horribly jealous and angry and I find it really difficult just to be happy for them. Feeling like this makes me feel even worse, like I am a horrible person and I don't deserve to get pregnant if I can't be happy for other people.

Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Danaa » Tue Oct 20, 2015 11:34 am

I don't think ur a horrible person,u just want to be a mother!I think most of us feel this way after a few years of trying!Be strong.
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Paczek » Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:05 am

Does anyone else feel like this? How do you deal with the jealousy without going completely mad?
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Sms842 » Mon Oct 26, 2015 12:01 pm

Paczek, I struggle with this too. It's so tough when you've been struggle and others seem to get pregnant so easy. I think part of it is social media makes it so easy to see all the positive, but nobody talks about the other side of things. If we talked more about infertility and miscarriage, I think less people would be upset, like you and I. It's a really tough thing to deal with. I basically try and get the feelings out, talking to people on these boards definitely helps with the struggle. Then understanding it's okay to be upset and just forgiving yourself for feeling bad about the whole thing. I'm definitely still a work in progress and still get stuck in those moments. I try and focus on some of the positives in my life and try not to dwell, which is always easier said then done. Hope that helps.
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby TracieMarie77 » Tue Oct 27, 2015 3:17 am

No not at all. I read on here time and time again people's struggles with fertility and some who have multiple losses of their baby. I have a friend who just had a baby who I'm sorry is in no position to have had one. Long story there. But all she does is complain about it. Yes it's hard in the beginning being a first time mom and her baby had issues but do you know how many people would gladly trade places with her?!?!?! Hang in there.
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Tina03 » Wed Oct 28, 2015 2:35 pm

I can relate to that too. Everyone around you has babies and it seems like so easy to them. My best friend from childhood is trying for her second. I do feel happy for her but it's really hard on me too. I haven't even been able to have my first yet.....it's frustrating. I feel excluded too like I can't join in into the "mommy talks" etc. I can't be around kids and their parents too much cause it hurts me. I basically try to avoid getting into these situations, for myself and because i dont want to be a road block to someone's happyness either.
2012 diagnosed with endometriosis, surgery/lap, diagnosed with subseptate uterus 2017...TTC since almost 3 years before first BFP in 2015
2015 August 4 - MC identical twins at 7 w, BFP @ 13dpo - squinter BFP @ 12 dpo, Betas: 152, 310, 1982
2016 Oct 10 - MC at 5-6 weeks, BFP @ 9dpo, Beta @ 4w 199

2016 Dec 30 - BFP @ 9dpo > EDD Sept 13, 2017 It's a BOY (av. BPM 130)

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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby HopefulInAmsterdam » Thu Oct 29, 2015 8:52 am

Hi, Paczek.

You are most definitely not a horrible person. The fact that you are even asking the question is proof of that.

My husband and I have also been TTC for 3+ years, and I also went through this phase of negativity toward other new moms and dads. A lot, and I mean A LOT of my close friends have become pregnant and had children over the past year, and there is no sign of the trend slowing. Earlier this year I was a wreck. I cried when I heard the news of a new pregnancy from a friend or even a facebook "friend", I lost it at the sight of random babies and preggos on the street, and I couldn't face myself in the mirror because of all the negative energy inside and around me. So I think I know *exactly* what you're going through.

Things began to change for me when I finally decided to seek medical help from an RE. The research process to figure out what the hell was wrong with me or my DH was long and irritating, and during that time I still has significant negativity. But then we got a diagnosis and a treatment plan, and suddenly I felt like I had some sort of control again. Over the past couple months, I've notice those nasty thoughts and feelings toward others have mostly disappeared. I even went to a baby shower the other day and didn't murder anyone!

Looking back, I think the source of my negativity and jealousy toward others was my feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. That's why I called it "a phase" -- because I am slowly getting past it. And I'll bet you will too, when you're ready. Maybe it would help to consider the source of your negativity? I don't know your story or where you're at in your fertility journey, but if you think carefully about it and about who you are and your personality (I love being in control, so it makes sense that the lack of it was crazy making!), maybe you can find out what you need to do to start getting past the jealousy and anger.

In the meantime, I think you just need to give yourself a break. Of course it's hard to see your friends and others get exactly what you're craving! I say let yourself feel jealous and angry until you simply don't need to feel that way anymore. But try to feel those things privately -- you don't want to do or say anything based on this temporary state you're in that will negatively affect any close relationships in the long-term.

Hope this helps! Best of luck!
xo HiA
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Re: Am I a horrible person?

Postby Shaebaby44 » Wed Nov 04, 2015 5:30 am

You are most definitely not a horrible person, just a normal one. I too have experienced this a lot over the years, including recently.

I've had so many problems with my periods over the past few years that conceiving was never going to happen. I struggled to find a doctor that actually wanted to help me instead of just doing simple blood tests, putting me in the "too hard" basket and then fobbing me off to someone else. All the while, everyone around me is falling pregnant and having babies like it's no big deal. Being a mother is the ONLY thing I really want in the world. I'd give up everything to have a baby. It really hurts when I see people having babies that don't really want them.

My 20 year old sister is pregnant and when she announced it, I just couldn't bring myself to feel happy for her. I was angry, jealous and just upset in general. I cried. A lot. I AM happy for her, I really am, but in the beginning I was so overwhelmed with negative feelings about it that I never thought I would be okay with it. Now that I have found a proactive doctor and I am on the path to achieving my dream, I feel a bit better about everything. My heart still sinks a little every time she posts a belly picture on facebook or one of those "my baby's progress" things comes up on her timeline, but I am genuinely happy for her now. I'm not angry or jealous anymore and I can't wait to see pictures of her baby girl.

These negative feelings DO pass and you will eventually feel joy for those around you who are announcing pregnancies. Until then, don't feel bad about it. I agree with Hopeful about keeping it private, just because it IS a temporary "phase", but just remember that you ARE allowed to have these feelings. It's okay to feel this way and to allow yourself to feel this way until you don't need to anymore.

We will all get there eventually, and when we do, we'll be so overcome with joy and happiness and we'll forget that we ever felt this way. It will all be worth it in the end, just remember that xoxo
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Oct/Nov 2015 - Provera, Clomid 100mg - anovulatory
Dec 2015/Jan 2016 - Provera, Clomid 150mg - anovulatory
Feb 2016/May 2016 - Vitex, Ferro f-tab
May 2016/Jun 2016 - Provera, Clomid 100mg - In progress

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