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How friendships change during IF and how to deal...

Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:00 pm

I could really use some advice about how to deal with what I am going through right now. I will give you a quick background - my husband and I have been TTC for 2+ years. Infertility testing found a bunch of hormonal issues and endometriosis. I recently had surgery after a long wait. We were almost cleared to start TTC again, but some hormonal issues that we thought were fixed have come up again. It's been incredibly frustrating, draining, and emotional that we have had so many barriers for such a long time, and still may have a long road ahead.

About a year and a half into our journey, our close friends started TTC for a few months and decided to get some testing done because they couldn't handle the wait. They had listened to what we were going through and decided to be proactive - no problem. Long story short - after comparing fertility battles, they got pregnant naturally within a year. All of a sudden, the people who said they'd be there for me through our struggles and my surgery were nowhere to be found because they had gotten pregnant.

I'm happy for them, but I don't know how to deal with this. It feels like a huge transition in our friendship. It's incredibly odd to not be sharing this part of our lives because they think it's too awkward to talk about it, especially after the amount of advice they asked us about infertility. The worst part is they told us the news via text, even after inviting them over several times, they didn't even bother with a phone call. When we said we were hurt by that, they apologized and said, "We didn't want to upset you because we've been there and know how it feels." But they haven't been through what we've been through.

Any advice for the transition in a friendship like this when going through infertility? We haven't seen them in person yet, and everything just seems so strange and I don't know how I will react. I'm afraid others will alienate us because they won't want us to dampen their happiness for the new pregnant couple.

My husband is so positive about things while trying to commiserate with me, and he doesn't want me to isolate myself. I just don't know what to do or how to maintain normal friendships while I'm going through this - like I've completely lost myself.

Re: How friendships change during IF and how to deal...

Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:34 am

It's tough! I know Its way too tough.
There is nothing like we are feeling odd or something.
It's just that we are concerned for our family.
we are happy for each individual who have babies or who are about to conceive.
we wish them all the happiness or world.
its just we are broken deep inside and never feels like showing up being on this point each day.
we are living a battle. and that's our battle.
even I just can't sort out this thing.
It's not that easy now to show up to everyone around.

Re: How friendships change during IF and how to deal...

Tue Aug 21, 2018 2:41 am

Infertility definitely influences friendships much! 'Cause people might be not this compassionate to others. Even close friends may not understand the pain you're going through. There's some common thing about it. I mean we all think this is NOT ME, or this is not MY trouble, unless we actually face it..I personally wasn't this sensitive to infertility problems of others..unless was diagnosed on endo & pcos years ago. I feel ashamed for this and it makes me sad I couldn't keep good relationship with a friend of mine. She was struggling when I really couldn't understand what she had to endure. She needed some special help and support and I failed to do this. Then together with dh we passed 2 oe ivf rounds with no success. I did lapos, one removed my left ovary. --No actual results to my treatments..She came once and told she knew how I felt and that she was sorry..But I couldn't squeeze a single word --just burst into tears, she gave me a warm hug saying ''Stay strong. I believe one day God will bless you!'' I admire her but still feel lack of words to say ''forgive my impartiality '' We ended up with another ivf cycle with donor egg abroad resulting in a healthy pregnancy with baby#1. I know this journey could make us closer again but feel like right moment has slipped away..
I'm here if you want some thoughts off. Stay well.

Re: How friendships change during IF and how to deal...

Tue Aug 21, 2018 5:30 am

you remember that qoute? A friend in need is a friend indeed! This is the same thing. Friends who stay by your side in your thick and thins are your real friends. And true friendship will never change no matter what happens. If it changed, then it was never true. so don;t feel about them. why feel bad about the things that were never real? Its better to be alone then being into a fake relationship. I know it hurts, but you are strong enough to deal with it. You have fought with your infertility. You can deal with this as well. Whoever stay by your side in your hard times, is the real one you got. Just watch who stays.

Re: How friendships change during IF and how to deal...

Mon Sep 17, 2018 5:17 am

I just thought we cannot change this fact. there are too little of those who's ready to help you every moment you need. and it's awfully sad when ture friends become the thing from the past. One is lucky to have at least the only one by side, who understands and supports and knows your sincere needs. I've been hanging on a couple of infertility boards since I saw a fertility expert for the first time and she told us I was not likely to get prego on my own. I've met so many people since then. and the only thing I've understood it's always better to hide behind the screen. and never let people too close to your struggles. You might know what i am talkig about. when, for example, you say sth to sb and plead this be the secret between you two. and then some time later you realize everyone is your neighbourhood knows you cannot have kids and are saving for coming ivf, and so on. Then how broken you do feel about your open heart people hurt now, when it was supposed to be your SECRET between just two!! :doh: This is a continuous saga of true relationships.
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