I'm afraid

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I'm afraid

Postby B Michaelson » Mon Oct 15, 2012 1:04 am

We want a family. We have put it off for a long time so we could be ready. We are finally married and our relationship is very stable. We both have good jobs; stressful jobs, but jobs that pay well, have benefits and are secure. We are moving into a new house very soon. We are almost right where we feel we need to be for this to work, yet I'm still afraid.

I have always wanted to be a mother and DH would be an amazing father. I am smart and caring, but I also have my issues. I have struggled with depression and anxiety. I didn't have the easiest childhood (I know, who does?). I am a lazy person and I am ashamed of it.

I feel like not only might I be a failure as a mother but I worry about the genes and emotional baggage I might pass onto my child. My father has emotional issues of which I am certain are chemical and I have been passed onto me. A few months before I met DH I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. To this day I am still so ashamed I allowed this to happen. Even though it has been almost 10 years he still stalks me. I do not want to allow him to control my life, but what if he ever brings harm to my family? I could not live with that. I hate living in the shadows and having to hide and worry he will find me again.

I feel like such a failure. Before DH and I married, I used to tell him he should not have children with me. I didn't always mean it but I felt I did not deserve them and I was afraid that I would not be able to protect my kids from the pain in the world. I know it is impossible for anyone to do this but I was convinced that I would be responsible for any suffering that occurred because of my choice to bring them into this world.

It took a long time but that went away and DH and I finally feel like we can do this. But for some reason those fears keep creeping back. I feel like I'm not good enough yet. I feel guilty that I don't exersize enough, eat healthy enough, or clean my house enough. I feel like I still have some healing to do. But I'm also scared if I wait to long the choice will be made for me.

Do normal people also worry about these kinds of things? I know I will never be perfect and the time may never be right, but what if we do this and I never change? What if I mess this up?

Please try not to judge me, I just needed a place to get this out. It comes and goes and I can't really talk to anyone about it. DH is very understanding but I hate to burden him when I feel this way. If you have a moment please say a small prayer for me that I will find strength and clarity.

Thanks.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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B Michaelson
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Re: I'm afraid

Postby orionslight » Tue Oct 16, 2012 4:53 am

first of all *hugs*. you have to learn to forgive yourself, the guilt is holding you back. trust in God and you will get there. if you dont know what to do , he does. i think it is fairly common to feel this way after a relationship like the one you had with the stalker, how scary. you can do this :) remember, you are not alone, God is with you always.
Baby Ireland is here! 4-18-2014
Joining her 11 brothers and sisters
Loss July 2015@ 11+3, girl Artemis
Loss June 2016@ 13+5, baby boy
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Re: I'm afraid

Postby B Michaelson » Wed Nov 14, 2012 2:09 pm

Thanks orionslight.

We are trying again this month and I'm coming to accept that I can never be perfect at this but am in a good place and have a wonderful husband. Still very nervous but it will be ok.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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B Michaelson
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Posts: 3746
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2012 6:14 am

Re: I'm afraid

Postby Ogaia » Thu Nov 15, 2012 1:56 am

My heart goes out to you and I pray that you can let go of the past, embrace His love for you and find the strength and clarity you desire. I believe it is normal to have concerns about what kind of parent we are going to be. I too ask myself this question. I think it is natural and also reassuring that you want to enter into this new stage of your life with awareness.

Hugs to you!
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Re: I'm afraid

Postby B Michaelson » Thu Nov 15, 2012 7:01 pm

Thanks Ogaia.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

Image

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User avatar
B Michaelson
Girlfriend
Girlfriend
 
Posts: 3746
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2012 6:14 am


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