TTC Rainbow Baby

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TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby jen920 » Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:53 pm

Hi,

My world changed quite a bit over the past 6 months. in 2012, my husband and decided we'd start our family in 2013 after our summer vacation - we really like to travel. We came home in June and started trying in July. We figured it'd take a while....well, we got pregnant our first month (I think it's because we were so relaxed). My due date was April 11, 2014. I was so excited and immediately in love with our baby.

I only made it to 5.5 weeks before I miscarried. I was devastated and horrified. After my first full cycle, we started trying again. I went from somebody who knew very little (I knew to have sex when I had the egg white cervical mucus) to someone obsessing over OPKs, BBTs, and fretting over it all. Needless to say we haven't gotten pregnant since, and while I do think a lot of it is stress, I also think I've identified a short LP phase. I went from someone who'd never thought I'd have to worry (esp. once I was so lucky to get pregnant the very first time I ever tried) to someone who feels like she has fallen from so high. To top it off, last week I found out my SIL (who didn't think she could get pregnant and was smoking; I don't think they ever got an actual "infertile" diagnosis by the way they've talked) got pregnant unplanned. While I've been trying everything since MC, taking prenatal vitamins since last June, and really watching what I eat. I'm happy they are happy, because it is a miracle for them, and I will be a good auntie, but I am feeling like fate is so, so harsh on my side right now. I don't mean to be mean or judgmental; I am just coming at it from a place of such great pain. I think, why was she not prepared for pregnancy and has a heartbeat? Why did I do everything I could and not get a heartbeat?

I went to my doctor Saturday who agreed about my LP phase and is going to put me on Clomid to better regulate my cycles (since the miscarriage they've been slowly shortening). He's also looking to see if I have a hypothyroid and will also see if I have too low of progesterone if I don't conceive this month (currently in 2ww). Also going to check my husband's sperm count. After learning about my SIL's shock pregnancy and being very hopeless all week, I feel more hopeful and calm than I have in a long time. My family is supportive, and my in-laws are really supportive (my MIL said our pregnancy will always be their first grandchild, which made me bawl in a good way).

However, my MIL has never had pregnancy losses, so she doesn't quite get what it's like to your own pregnancy although she is grieving her grandchild. I live 3 hours away from my mom, and we're close and she lost a pregnancy before I was born, but I don't want to drag her down too much. My friends love me and care, but they either 1) never lost a pregnancy and have beautiful kids (who I love to play with/snuggle) or 2) they aren't even ready to try yet, so they don't even know what it's like to go through all this. I found this website looking for BFP symptoms months and really felt like I could keep moving on my upswing (I WILL have my rainbow) by getting support from people who know exactly what I'm feeling.

If you can offer prayers and thoughts, I am grateful from the bottom of my heart. And if I can offer you peace, I definitely want to do so.
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Re: TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby Bri&Lin » Tue Feb 11, 2014 11:38 pm

I'll keep you in my prayers hun. I'm so sorry. I can't relate because I just started ttc last month, but I do know what you mean about people who just seem to get things without trying. Sometimes our lives can be so confusing and cruel, but it's usually for a reason later on. Keep your head up and try not to stress. Lots of sticky baby dust to you!
Lesbian couple ttc #1
Me (Bri): 21
Lin: 23
Jan: softcup bfn
On to cycle #2
Feb Cycle#2: late O. Bfn
March Cycle#3: late O bfn.
April Cycle#4: starting b6 and b12 to lengthen lp. Fx.
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Re: TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby dragnflymomma » Sun Feb 16, 2014 11:49 am

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate as I had a loss in Sept and it was the second month trying. I am now 41 and we just started to try again in Jan. It is incredibly difficult, especially when the due date comes up and you think about the "what could have been" and see all your friends or relatives pregnant and oblivious to the possibilities, taking it for granted, so to speak.
Well, I think you have probably pinpointed the issue (stress), as my first pregnancy I had I was 31 and TTC and it took 8 months. Why so long? Well, the month we got pregnant was the month I said to myself "Screw it!!! I will just spend my energy focusing on losing weight." Well....I think things happen when you least expect it. Maybe it would do you good to "take a break" and give yourself some time to breath.

I can also relate when it comes to the "green monster". On Jan 1st a friend posted a picture of her pregnant belly on FB and said something like "Due date can't come soon enough" I just felt this emotional tornado inside me and I couldn't stop crying. I was only 2 weeks behind her (if I had been blessed to continue my pregnancy) and it hit me hard. I had thought I had worked through the grief but there it was again and so my husband said that, if I wanted to, we could try again. So Jan we started to TTC yet again and I am now driving myself crazy because I am a bit late and that is not usual for me.

Stress can definitely be a factor but then again I start worrying that it is also age related. It is nice you have a doctor willing to help you get to a solution and get your body where it needs to be. In the meantime, maybe just take it easy on yourself and give it up to the universe whether it will happen or not. I am doing my best right now to have that attitude and it is helping (a little). I have stopped testing because all I am getting are BFN's but still no sign of the witch. It is frustrating but what I am doing now is looking at all the blessings I DO have in my life instead of the things I wish I had but don't. Perspective seems to be everything lately for me.

I do hope that whatever happens that you can be gentle on yourself and be okay with anything that comes your way (good or bad, but preferably good). Sticky vibes to you and your hubby. Good luck and take it easy on yourself. {{{HUGS}}}
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Re: TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby jen920 » Sun Feb 16, 2014 8:27 pm

hi Bri and Dragonfly,

Not sure if it's possible to reply to you individually. I wish you both the best of luck! and also the calmness of mind no matter what happens.

Dragonfly, I burst into tears at random times. her pregnancy opened up a well of grief in me. I've also had to block people from the newsfeed on Facebook, too. It just makes me too emotional and sad, and stress isn't good for me pregnant or not. I hate when people complain about pregnancy...ugh, I would give anything to be pregnant right now. our baby would be almost here.

I try to appreciate what we do have, how we have a rich life and a good marriage, even if we never have a baby naturally. That perspective is important. Yeah...I had to stop testing months ago. I'd just get BFNs and cry. I decided to just let my body tell me by AF. I do still temp every morning (temps are high, so I'm trying to be positive but not too hopeful), and we use the OPKs every month.

My doctor is great and supportive; I'm really fortunate.

People really don't realize what a miracle pregnancy is...the key is not only getting pregnant but that STAYING pregnant. Life is such a miracle. I hate that we had the miscarriage, but if there's any silver lining, I do think it will mean I am a better mother if it happens because I will be SO thankful to have our baby.

I wish lots of baby dust to you, and no matter what piece of mind and a strong, loving marriage. Hugs to you, too!
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Re: TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby dragnflymomma » Thu Feb 20, 2014 11:38 am

Thanks Jen. "Little Miss Sunshine" came to visit me on Tuesday evening (6 days late) with pink spotting and in full force by Weds morning. Yesterday was awful and I was miserable. I am still feeling crappy with headaches and nausea but at least I am not in limbo anymore.

I think I am going to just give up for now. I am blessed in so many ways that I should be focusing on those and not on something that may never be. Going to take it easy from now on and do my best to relax.

I wish you all the best in your journey to conceive and Fx that it happens for you soon.
Take care.
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Re: TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby jen920 » Thu Mar 13, 2014 8:47 pm

Dragonfly, (hugs)

I feel your pain. I wish peace of mind and happiness to you.

Jen
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Re: TTC Rainbow Baby

Postby sweetdemoness87 » Thu Jun 19, 2014 5:26 pm

I know were you are coming from. I had a MC a year ago. Wasn't trying at all and did not think that I could get pregnant. I unfortunately was on several medications for my mental health issues and physical issues. And had taken a Muscle relaxer to calm the constant cramping that I had been feeling. I have PCOS and Irregular periods. So I just thought that the lack of period was just another skipped month for me. Took the pill and about 20 min later started bleeding alot. Lots of clots, dark blood. It was scary. The doctor said it most likely was a chemical pregnancy. And pretty much blamed me for it. Until he found out that I had no idea that i was pregnant and hadn't been trying. Yeeeah he was a d***...
Anyhow! Now I am wiser because of this. December I weened myself off of the medications. (aaaall of them) and we started trying in January. I am working on cutting down the caffeine and am still smoking. But am buying patches and gum with my next check.
My friend has become pregnant, and has been trying for years. This made me a bit jealous...but happy. She is having a healthy pregnancy so far (14 weeks) and finds out the sex through a blood test on the first. I am still a little jealous over this. Why couldn't I have a healthy pregnancy and why didn't I notice the signs before all the crap went down. I remember the night before she found out. She was taking medications way worse then what i was taking. Also smoking, drinking. I have seen many women in my life who are addicted to heavy duty drugs while pregnant. And they always go full term and the baby is always healthy. It aggravates me so much.
Sorry for the rant, but yeah I have been there.
Am sorry for your loss and hope soon you have a BFP and a healthy pregnancy and baby.
☆Me:27
☆DH:27
☆Ttc #1 for: 8 months
☆I am: a diabetic《type2》 and have PCOS
☆I take: metforman 2000mg, Asprin, prenaital, progesterone

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