Losing faith in miracles...3 losses and a pending 4th

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Losing faith in miracles...3 losses and a pending 4th

Postby Wishing&Prayingfor#1 » Fri Jul 04, 2014 10:57 am

Hi ladies, here is my story. I am in real need of prayer right now.

I have been ttc for a few yearns now and lost my first pregnancy at just under 12 weeks. I had a d and c to resolve that miscarriage and ended up with scarring causing Aashermans Syndrome. 7 months later I had a surgery to remove scarring and they felt that it was successful. We began ttc again and I got pregnant again 4 months later. That pregnancy was not confirmed til 14 dpo and had low hcg levels. I lost that pregnancy as well at 6 and a half weeks. I was so discourages and didn't think I could go on, but I did. After more testing and sonograms they found another band of scarring, so I had that removed in October of last year. We have been ttc ever since and nothing was working, I went on rounds of femera and injections plus progesterone, and finally 8 months later,after an iui, got pregnant again! We were so happy but very cautiously. That pregnancy didn't take off at all and the hcg was low and only decreased. That m/c was only last month.

We were told to take a month off form ttc and that we would do another hsg and perhaps more bloodwork next month........well this is when I thought my miracle was happening. My husband and I had intercourse ( not try to bd) a few days after the bleeding stopped and my hcg had gone down to negative. We needed to reconnect somehow after all of our tears. We didn't think to protect since it was so early in my cycle, and it was unlikely that I would ovulate anyway this month...right after a m/c and on no meds.
I had a dream the other night that I was giving I birth, and it was so vivid that I really felt it as a sign and I tested with a test I had left over in the morning. I only did it to ease my mind and honestly did not believe that it could happen.
I was a BFP!! I fell to my knees and prayed that this was my miracle and to please not let me lose another.
I had my betas drawn yesterday and they were only 27. At the earliest I would be 12 dpo yesterday...but that is far fetched, assuming that the sperm lived for 5 days. It is more likely that I was 13 or 14 or more dpo. But I was only 7 days past my first negative beta test when we had intercourse. That would be very early!
My dr office does not think that this will work out and want me to do another beta on Monday. My DH is away for work right now and I feel so alone and afraid.

I am beginning to lose faith. Why would He who loves me so keep allowing me to feel such pain an d heartache? I am 31 and have been with my husband for 15 years and we ache for a family so badly and would love this child so dearly.

I am in need of strength and hope .

Amy
Me ( Amy) and DH-31
Married Aug 2010
Ttc #1 since Sept. 2011
M/c July 2012(missed) 11wks
Ashermans syndrome after D&C
Surgery for scarring( done by RE) Feb. 2013
M/c July 2013 ( 6wks5d)
2nd surgery for scarring Oct. 2013
Started crinone ( progesterone) for luteal phase, Dec. 2013
Began tracked cycles Dec. 2013,Jan and Feb 2014 (no meds)
Femera 2.5mg March and April 2014- both BFNs
Femera 5mg and IUI May 2014- BFP...m/c 5w1d ( chemical?)
Natural cycle( break) June 2014- BFP....m/c 4w5d/chemical
July 2014-HSG clear, AMH low......break
Wishing&Prayingfor#1
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Re: Losing faith in miracles...3 losses and a pending 4th

Postby Mintastic » Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:41 pm

Will pray for you.

Sometimes G-d has other plans (like a miracle baby later on - or pushing us in the direction to explore alternative ways to complete our families). That's my believe anyway. I hope you don't lose your faith.
It must be so tough to be alone right now - do you have any friend or family close by that can support you until dh gets back?
Mintastic
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Re: Losing faith in miracles...3 losses and a pending 4th

Postby Wishing&Prayingfor#1 » Sun Jul 06, 2014 3:25 pm

Thanks Min, DH returned home early..he came home today. He knows how hard this all is on me. It is hard for him too.
I just can't understand why these babies keep being dent to me, only to be taken away:(
I will not give up, my faith is still there...just quivering at the moment. I know that I have to trust the plan, but it is so difficult when we cannot comprehend.
Thanks for your prayers.
Amy
Me ( Amy) and DH-31
Married Aug 2010
Ttc #1 since Sept. 2011
M/c July 2012(missed) 11wks
Ashermans syndrome after D&C
Surgery for scarring( done by RE) Feb. 2013
M/c July 2013 ( 6wks5d)
2nd surgery for scarring Oct. 2013
Started crinone ( progesterone) for luteal phase, Dec. 2013
Began tracked cycles Dec. 2013,Jan and Feb 2014 (no meds)
Femera 2.5mg March and April 2014- both BFNs
Femera 5mg and IUI May 2014- BFP...m/c 5w1d ( chemical?)
Natural cycle( break) June 2014- BFP....m/c 4w5d/chemical
July 2014-HSG clear, AMH low......break
Wishing&Prayingfor#1
TTC Queen
TTC Queen
 
Posts: 312
Joined: Wed Jul 10, 2013 7:06 am

Re: Losing faith in miracles...3 losses and a pending 4th

Postby Mintastic » Sun Jul 06, 2014 5:27 pm

So glad to hear he came home early!
Will keep those prayers coming.
-Mint
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Re: Losing faith in miracles...3 losses and a pending 4th

Postby Stardancer8764 » Thu Jul 10, 2014 8:04 pm

Wishing and Praying-

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I can not even imagine. But here is my advice for you. I suffered my first lost two weeks ago. I really thought God was telling me to get pregnant and I was the one like NO- I have a DD who is 1 I can't. Then I felt guilty for not listening, so I followed His calling.... Then I m/c at 11 weeks and I was so upset. I kept saying WHY did you tell me to get pregnant to take it away? I was questioning if I even heard God correctly. Like maybe I missed the message. My pastors wife reassured me I didn't. I was being spiritually attacked. I told them, in the midst of all my pain I didn't expect spiritual warfare....and I got it. So I am going to feed you some truth.

It is not his plan to hurt you or harm you. Remember the God we serve. REMEMBER his promises!

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer 29:11

HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Duet 31:6

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ...

It may feel like he is punishing you- he is not. God is good. He is good in all of this. He is good when he gives you a baby obviously....and He is still good when he takes it away. That's my lesson I learned. He IS STILL GOOD. What has helped bring me peace was thinking to myself that these are not MY babies....they aren't. They are God's babies. All of them. And they were on "loan" to me. If God wants them back, even at 11 weeks...then they are His to call Home. Then I didn't "loose" anything. Lost is so permanent. When I think how I was chosen for this baby to be borrowed I feel blessed and privileged. I am so honored God let me borrow them for 11 weeks.

Stand firm. Don't loose sight of Him. Ask and it WILL be given to you. Maybe, not in the way you expect it...but Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Amy, I will pray for you. Totally surrender to Him. And remember...he is not surprised by your questions. It's okay to question. He will whisper truth into your heart.
Myself: 32
DH: 35
Married: 10/18/08
DD: Baby#1 :future baby girl: 04.26.13 :bfp: 08/12/12 :hb: 169bpm 9/10/12
:angel: Baby #2 due 1/15/15 :hb: 140bpm - 06/28/14 missed m/c and D&C at 11 weeks.
DS: Baby #3 :future baby boy: 08.11.15 :bfp: 11/23/14 :hb: 165bmp 12/23/14
:angel: Baby #4 :bfp: 10/18/17 CP 10/24/17
Stardancer8764
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