Coulda, woulda, shoulda... I hate this!!!

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Coulda, woulda, shoulda... I hate this!!!

Postby hope682 » Tue Oct 14, 2014 11:17 pm

Hello everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum. I am full of angst right now and don't know who else to talk to! My story is a bit long... but I'll try to keep it as short as I can. Thank you in advance for reading!

So... I'm 32 and have a 3-year-old DS born in Oct. 2011. Since Dec. 2012 (when my periods resumed after childbirth), I have wanted to TTC again and give him a little brother or sister. However, DH (who had completely quit smoking when we conceived DS) relapsed into smoking e-cigarettes when DS was a few months old after a stressful day out in town, and I didn't want to TTC when he was still getting nicotine from his e-cigarettes (because of the DNA damage to sperm caused by nicotine), so I reluctantly decided to wait till he dropped down to the zero nicotine e-cigs before we TTC again. As I was waiting (and waiting...) for DH to drop down to his zero nicotine e-cigs, in January of this year I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism caused by Graves Disease. The medications that I am on are considered Class D for pregnancy, which worries me a lot, but I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's hard though, because I've read that Graves Disease can affect fertility and cause a higher rate of miscarriage. For all of this year, we have been delaying TTC not only because DH was still smoking his nicotine e-cigs, but also because my thyroid hormone levels were not stable, and I needed them to be stable before we could TTC.

DS and I took a month-long trip without DH to visit my family in September, and we decided that soon after I got back home would be a good time to finally TTC. After all, DH had finally dropped down to his zero nicotine e-cigs, and my thyroid hormone levels were beginning to stabilize. However, my endocrinologist wanted me to have one more set of blood work done first before we TTC to make sure that my levels were indeed stable on the medication dose that I was taking. DS and I arrived home to DH on Sept. 27, and DH and I did the deed that evening (but he pulled out per my request). I had my blood work done on Sept. 29, and on Oct. 1, I got a call from my nurse that all my levels were perfectly within range... yay! DH and I began TTC that evening. And then... yesterday (Oct. 13), I got my period! Argh!

Now I am full of regret that I didn't just TTC as soon as I arrived back home on Sept. 27. The timing would have been PERFECT... 16 days before I would have gotten my period, which means that I was ovulating that day (or would be ovulating in the next couple of days). Why didn't I just throw caution to the wind and TTC as soon as I got home?!? My thyroid levels were perfect (although I didn't know it at the time). Maybe, just maybe, I would have been pregnant by now. After waiting for so long to finally be able to TTC again, I am so kicking myself for being too cautious and missing that window of opportunity, especially because my periods are very irregular and only come every 2-3 months on average. I can't believe that I'll have to wait another 2-3 months before I'll even get to try again, and even then, there's only a 25% chance of success (because I've read that the average couple only has a 25% chance of conceiving during each cycle). How can I get through these next months (or years) without going crazy?

And... I'm also secretly furious at DH for taking his sweet time to quit his nicotine e-cigs. If only he had never relapsed back into smoking, we could have started TTC almost 2 years ago, back when I was still healthy and didn't have Graves Disease and didn't have to be on a Class D medication. Maybe we could have had a healthy baby by now, one that wasn't affected by my disease and by my medication. If only he hadn't had a bad day out in town, if only I had somehow been able to convince him not to pick up his smoking habit again... maybe things would be different.

I know it's not helping me to be so negative and pessimistic. After all, what's done is done... I can't change the past, and I can only look forward to the future. And I know I'm very blessed to have my DS... I absolutely love and adore that precious little boy with every fiber of my being. He is hands-down the best thing that ever happened to me. It's just that I have this urge to give him a sibling and have another baby to love and to care for... and the longer I have to wait in order to try to achieve that dream, the more anxious and depressed I get about it. I notice families with multiple young children close in age all around me, and there are people who had their first babies after me who are already pregnant again or have their second babies already, and my sister-in-law just had her 3rd baby and I have to throw her a baby shower this weekend, and it just kills me that I am still waiting for the chance to have my own second baby.

I've tried talking to DH about my feelings and my regrets, but he just gets upset that I can't just be positive and get over it. And I usually stop short of telling him about how much I resent the fact that his smoking held us back, because it wouldn't accomplish much except make him defensive and angry. Plus, I'm afraid to rock the boat to the point where he'll decide he doesn't want to try for another baby at all. But, I think I need help because my anger toward him has gotten to the point where it is negatively affecting my feelings toward the marriage and toward our sex life. I have tried some counseling sessions over the telephone, but it hasn't really helped.

I don't know how to get myself out of this rut. Please give me some advice on how to stay positive and let go of regrets! Thank you so much for any insight you could offer!
hope682
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Re: Coulda, woulda, shoulda... I hate this!!!

Postby Seanachai » Tue Oct 21, 2014 11:52 am

I can completely understand the frustration. I have a hard time talking to my hubby about my feelings regarding ttc also because he sees all my research, I'll admit a bit obsessive at times, as being negative and a "debby downer" as he so eloquently put it.
He has had time to make his peace with possibly never being a father, but I haven't made peace with not having any kids with him. (He has low sperm count and has known for most of his life that he may never have kids)

While I know you know everything I am about to say, sometimes it makes a difference coming from someone else.... Breathe. Let it go. The hardest thing to do, myself included in this, is to let go of the illusion of control we have over the matter. Bottom line is that we don't. We can help it along the best we can, we can do everything in our power to make sure that our bodies are healthy, check for ovulation, have wild crazy baby making sex on the days that count but ultimately, whether or not we get pregnant is not in our power. That power is in the hands of something that science will never understand and neither will we. Stressing over it isn't going to help, obsessing over it isn't going to help, and resenting your hubby certainly won't help. Sounds like maybe you two could use a date night to reconnect...hang out, talk, reboot to that initial friendship that made you interested in each other in the first place. He's probably stressing too and most likely, not talking because he's a guy and "real men don't talk about feelings".... Chin up...all will work out as it is supposed to... Hugz
Seanachai
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