Too hard (just needing a little rant)

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Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby Peaks+Valleys » Tue Dec 08, 2015 10:14 am

Today is just too hard all of a sudden. For what feels like the zillionth time, I was convinced that my symptoms were different this month and that this was it. Then there was some bleeding, but not normal AF bleeding, so retained some small hope that a BFP was still within reach. I suppose it's possible still, but am 13dpo and just got a BFN.

Am just tired of the waiting and the not knowing, tired of finding that my breasts have suddenly deflated at the end of the month, tired of examining CM, tired of promising not to test only to cave at the last moment. I don't want deflated breasts, I want full, plump, incredibly painful and pregnant breasts. I want to complain about being nauseous and having twinges. I want to actually SEE two strong pink lines instead of imagining them into existence. I'm tired of hearing that yet another relative or acquaintance is pregnant (yes, I know they haven't stolen MY baby or depleted the world's limited quota of babies-to-be). I'm tired of being unreasonably jealous of my husband's relationship with his goddaughter (who is the exact same age as my first miscarriage would have been, and whose exotically gorgeous mother (husband's work colleague) is a pregnancy fanatic complete with videos of her giving birth and nude photos of her pregnant self displayed in her home). I'm tired of being tired of the process and of cycling between ridiculous optimism and near-despair. I want to be fatigued because pregnancy is doing its thing. And I want time to be moving in leaps and bounds toward the arrival of a little person in our lives, instead of crawling toward that magical moment when I get to - once again - pee on a stick. Is this seriously the highlight of my life??

Now that I have vented a bit, will try to regroup and think of positive things (excluding HPTs!).
Me: 34, DH: 41
2010: 2 MCs
2015: Begin TTC in August
2016: MC in March (Trisomy 13)
BFP November 2016, EDD end of July 2017
Salomé Marjorie born July 18, 2017
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Re: Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby Crol13 » Tue Dec 08, 2015 7:46 pm

Hi peaks!
I hear you! All of us ttc hear you. Our minds do some crazy things when we are soooo wanting to be the one patiently waiting to announce a new life arriving in so many months time.
I've been ttc since August and have had that similar no symptoms to many symptoms silliness as well as the "ideal" bbt chart that resulted in another passing month where the tears were uncontrollable as AF arrived. I do believe we all have our time and God has his own plans for us all. That said, when everyone around you is announcing there news of pregnancy and ultrasounds, the voices in your head are hard to turn off. I hope you do achieve a BFP soon and that you are able to think about anything else other than peeing on a stick day in and day out as you wait!
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Re: Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby DG123 » Sun Dec 27, 2015 2:02 pm

Dear Peaks & Valleys & Crol13,

I hear you. Every friend of mine is pregnant or have beautiful babies (or don't want babies yet and don't understand why I am in "such a rush"). I have been trying since August 2014 with no luck. I have shorter cycles (25-26 days), which means in 16 months I have had 18 cycles of no success and tears & awfulness. I have been poked and prodded and had every test in the book done - nothing is wrong with either me of the hubs. The doctor says "You're young, just keep trying it will happen". The general population says "You just need to relax and it will happen - you're thinking about it too much".
Convinced the doctor to try IUI this month, only to get a BFN on Day 14 yesterday (though no full period yet, only a few spots, so grasping onto one thread of hope), but I'm more hopeful for success with IUI then on my own, since that hasn't worked.

To add insult to injury, my sister-in-law, who started trying August, 2015 just announced that she is 3 months pregnant, so now the family will be all baby-talk and excitement. I am happy for them, as I don't wish for anyone to go through what we have been through, but the green-eyed monster eats away at me at times. I hope that it all works out and that the reason for this journey I am becomes clear but it is so hard to just keep on going. I go from hopeful and optimistic to depressed and unable to leave my house when AF rears her ugly head each month. I wish that people understood the emotional turmoil a little better, and that more had empathy for it. My MIL always regales me with the story of her pregnancy struggles "I wanted to have a baby in May, and he didn't come along until August". Must have been tough to try for 3 months. It is beyond frustrating, and I am thankful to have found a place to vent.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting those two pink lines more than anything.
TTC #1 for 26 cycles :doh:
Me: 28
DH: 29
MFI
IUI #1 - Menopur & hCG trigger - IUI December 12, 2015 - BFN
IUI #2 - Menopur & hCG trigger - IUI February 1, 2016 -BFN
IUI #3 - Menopur & hCG trigger - IUI February 26, 2016 - BFN
Next step: IVF
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Re: Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby Peaks+Valleys » Mon Dec 28, 2015 6:15 am

Hello Crol and DG,

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies. DG, I'm sorry the holidays have been so hard. I hope things will work out for you soon, whether with or without IUI. It amazes me how thoughtless people can be at times. I once lost a friend under slightly similar circumstances. She fell pregnant around the same time I miscarried, and even though she knew I was miserable, was incapable of talking of anything but pregnancy and baby supplies. She didn't even want to get pregnant originally, and of course it happened on her first try. Adding salt to the wound, she immediately asked me to start planning a baptism for her future child (I'm a clergyperson). She wasn't a member of my (or any) religious community, and I couldn't help feeling at the time that it was so unfair. In the end, we simply stopped communicating, and so I never had to deal with it on a professional level. But personally it still rankled like nobody's business.

I am fortunate that my in-laws are a source of support. My MIL knows we are trying, but she never intrudes or asks questions unless I volunteer information first. She's also a retired midwife, so I feel comfortable asking questions from time to time. My SIL is single and not interested in motherhood for herself, though she would be thrilled for us should it happen someday. My own mother, however, has grown increasingly flakey and self-centered over the years, which is puzzling. She tends to say bizarre and hurtful things without thinking first. When I first asked if she would like to be a grandparent (several years ago when TTC with my ex), she said, "Oh no, not yet." After my two MCs, she would constantly be pointing out cute baby clothes and other baby-related things, despite my mentioning how painful that was for me. So I no longer share intimate hopes and dreams without a compelling reason.

To return to the present, I've somehow been much more calm and laid-back this month. Apart from having at least 5 days of crazy-positive OPKs and wondering what that's all about, I've been able to step back and take a more healthy perspective in general. The arrival of AF will surely have me singing a different tune, but for the moment all goes well. Am CD20 and perhaps 7dpo if I go by the first positive OPK. At the moment, I'm trying to make little adjustments to my thinking and my behavior to help keep me sane. It's been helpful to step away from living month-by-month and to tell myself that every day brings me closer to achieving parenthood, in some shape or form. I've started focusing on improving certain things that could help with TTC, but that are not exclusively related to TTC (nutrition, enjoying sex and not only thinking of it as BD, etc.). Also, I've changed my habitual cafe... My work involves a lot of writing, and I tend to spend my mornings in cafes in the company of my laptop. My old cafe was full of mother-baby groups - I mean ten strollers at a time kind of thing - and sometimes all the gushing and cooing was just too much (not to mention that the kids were similarly over-stimulated, which didn't exactly foster a peaceful work environment). For some reason, the new cafe seems to be a favorite spot for calmer folks. The parents and children who go there are visibly enjoying each other's company, talking and playing quietly, sharing meaningful time together. After several years, I can finally look upon this as inspiration. I don't avert my eyes anymore, and I'm honest about the fact that I do want that. It's taken five years to allow myself to dream again instead of trying to nip disappointment in the bud by pretending to not hope.

Sorry for the novel... I wish the very best for you both, and I'm around to listen ("read" rather) if you need to get anything else off your chest!
Me: 34, DH: 41
2010: 2 MCs
2015: Begin TTC in August
2016: MC in March (Trisomy 13)
BFP November 2016, EDD end of July 2017
Salomé Marjorie born July 18, 2017
Peaks+Valleys
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Re: Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby Crol13 » Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:31 pm

Hello there!
DG123, I'm praying for you and your successes with IUI! I hope this is what your body has been asking for. It is impossible for anyone to really understand the ttc mind set of grasp any of the challenges accompany until they've experienced it themselves. I don't understand why those who aren't trying or have been on birth control for years and all of a sudden get pregnant a month from being off but it is possible that it isn't for me to understand. It simply is what it is. And God bless them! All I can do is hope and pray that we too are fortunate to experience the ultimate not of having a little one ourselves.
Peaks,
You are preaching to the choir!!! I've majorly pulled back this month to look at what I'm doing with my husband and that he is far more than a sperm bank. I think it's sooo important to remember why we are doing this and what beauty may come of it with some time and patience. I've not done the OPK's this month, only charted here and there to identify O and did not insist my husband and I to have intercourse on specified days so that we could actually enjoy one another this cycle. I needed to pull back a bit and will likely do the same for January. I really want to improve my eating habits (as I'm normally Very health conscious) and increase my workout regimen again to put me in my optimal health status. I admire your ability to take a step back and gain perspective. I believe I'm currently CD 23, 9 DPO. I hope to keep in touch and hear how else you are improving your day by day life and outlook!
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Re: Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby DG123 » Mon Dec 28, 2015 8:28 pm

I was so glad to read both of your messages. You are right, major blessings to those who don't struggle. They don't understand the road that we are on, because they haven't had to walk it, and thank goodness for that.
This month we will take off from IUI to relax and enjoy each other's company. I needed to read the venting of others to know that I am not alone, and now I need to take a break from the injections and ultrasounds and just be with my husband. Thanks for all your positive vibes.
TTC #1 for 26 cycles :doh:
Me: 28
DH: 29
MFI
IUI #1 - Menopur & hCG trigger - IUI December 12, 2015 - BFN
IUI #2 - Menopur & hCG trigger - IUI February 1, 2016 -BFN
IUI #3 - Menopur & hCG trigger - IUI February 26, 2016 - BFN
Next step: IVF
DG123
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Re: Too hard (just needing a little rant)

Postby BFPPlease » Wed Jan 06, 2016 7:56 am

I personally would rather take a long time and have a strong healthy pregnancy which results in holding my child versus going through so many painful loses. I have only experienced loss once, and if I continued to go through that I think I would give up on the process.

Because at the end of the day, when you've just given birth, all this will be worth it. All the negative tests, and doctors appointments, and fertility medications.
Ashley (24) in love with Stephen (28)
TTC#1 since November 2015

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