In December, I decided to get off birth control after 15 years of being on it.
In February, I was diagnosed with PCOS.
I know my time TTC isn't long enough to be complaining but hear me out.
3 years ago, I had an abortion. I wasn't in a good place, mentally or in my relationship, and didn't think I had it in me to care for a child for the rest of my life. I haven't forgiven myself since and hate myself every day. I often lock myself in the bathroom or in the shower to cry.
I'm on my third month of clomid, and according to FF - I'm 10dpo. I am testing negative every single time I do a HPT.
I know I should wait until I'm officially late, but I don't even know what my cycles are supposed to be like anymore and I keep getting suckered every time I go to the batroom and see my tests staring at me with their big bold letters saying "RESULTS 6 DAYS BEFORE MISSED PERIOD"

Since 7dpo, my breasts feel full but no real pain to them, my nipples are just tender.
Yesterday at 9dpo I felt some type of pressure from my stomach to my lower back.
I woke up this morning and had to call in to work because I couldn't even get up, I am so exhausted. I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:30! I usually am up at 6:30.
I just started crying about 3 hours ago, when my BFN showed up bright and clear, and haven't stopped yet. I thought I'd come write on here so it calms me down and my husband stops looking at me like I need to be brought in to the hospital for psychiatric treatment.
He just doesn't get that I'm constantly in pain from my cysts, emotional from the clomid, depressed from the constant bfn's I get.
We're going away this weekend for our one year wedding anniversary, I think I'll test on Friday before we leave (see if I get to surprise him) if it is negative, I will hold off until I'm really late to test again. This is becoming too much to bear. I honestly tip my hat off to women who have been trying for years, and wish I could hug you all.
I have taken my fertility for granted and don't think I'll ever get to forgiving myself.
Any words of encouragement, or personal experiences are appreciated.
I really hope I don't come off as arrogant, I never experienced this before and don't know how to feel.
