Trying to Conceive Forum

by **mrscohn** » Mon May 09, 2016 10:47 am

Hey ladies, need a little bit of support here. I didn't know where else to go because my husband officially thinks I've lost my mind.

In December, I decided to get off birth control after 15 years of being on it.
In February, I was diagnosed with PCOS.

I know my time TTC isn't long enough to be complaining but hear me out.

3 years ago, I had an abortion. I wasn't in a good place, mentally or in my relationship, and didn't think I had it in me to care for a child for the rest of my life. I haven't forgiven myself since and hate myself every day. I often lock myself in the bathroom or in the shower to cry.

I'm on my third month of clomid, and according to FF - I'm 10dpo. I am testing negative every single time I do a HPT.
I know I should wait until I'm officially late, but I don't even know what my cycles are supposed to be like anymore and I keep getting suckered every time I go to the batroom and see my tests staring at me with their big bold letters saying "RESULTS 6 DAYS BEFORE MISSED PERIOD"

lol

Since 7dpo, my breasts feel full but no real pain to them, my nipples are just tender.
Yesterday at 9dpo I felt some type of pressure from my stomach to my lower back.

I woke up this morning and had to call in to work because I couldn't even get up, I am so exhausted. I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:30! I usually am up at 6:30.
I just started crying about 3 hours ago, when my BFN showed up bright and clear, and haven't stopped yet. I thought I'd come write on here so it calms me down and my husband stops looking at me like I need to be brought in to the hospital for psychiatric treatment.

He just doesn't get that I'm constantly in pain from my cysts, emotional from the clomid, depressed from the constant bfn's I get.
We're going away this weekend for our one year wedding anniversary, I think I'll test on Friday before we leave (see if I get to surprise him) if it is negative, I will hold off until I'm really late to test again. This is becoming too much to bear. I honestly tip my hat off to women who have been trying for years, and wish I could hug you all.

I have taken my fertility for granted and don't think I'll ever get to forgiving myself.

Any words of encouragement, or personal experiences are appreciated.
I really hope I don't come off as arrogant, I never experienced this before and don't know how to feel.

:babydustg:

to all xo

by **AndiA108** » Tue May 10, 2016 7:35 am

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time mrscohn! I've definitely been where you are now. My best advice, as hard as it is, DON'T test early!! It makes it soooo much worse seeing the bfn instead of just waiting for AF to come. I don't know why but it is! It also added a TON more stress on me. I actually just had to take a mini break from all this ttc stuff because I was driving myself mad and I know stress isn't helping in any way. Also find something you enjoy that will take your mind off all of this! For me it was working out. I may not be able to control what's happening inside my body but I can control the rest of it! It's also a great endorphin booster!

You are strong for going through this! FX for you!

by **mrscohn** » Wed May 11, 2016 7:09 am

AndiA108 wrote:Sorry to hear you're having a hard time mrscohn! I've definitely been where you are now. My best advice, as hard as it is, DON'T test early!! It makes it soooo much worse seeing the bfn instead of just waiting for AF to come. I don't know why but it is! It also added a TON more stress on me. I actually just had to take a mini break from all this ttc stuff because I was driving myself mad and I know stress isn't helping in any way. Also find something you enjoy that will take your mind off all of this! For me it was working out. I may not be able to control what's happening inside my body but I can control the rest of it! It's also a great endorphin booster!

You are strong for going through this! FX for you!

Thank you so much for your kind words, yesterday and today were a bit better, I only cried twice. I know I have to stay away from the tests, It's just so tempting but you are right. The added stress is unnecessary!

I think I will follow in your footsteps next month if AF shows this weekend, I will take a break from the temping, the charting, the cm checking, it's all too much. I will just let nature take it's course.

I wish I could work out to clear my mind, I have a torn ligament in my ankle that the doctors are checking on and don't want me to do any physical activity before receiving my brace. I did however recently start playing the piano again and it soothes me, so this may be a good thing.

Thank you so much for your time and your words, it means the world to me to know that I can find this support. Xo :hugs:

by **AndiA108** » Wed May 11, 2016 8:53 am

Yes of course!! Most of us are in the same boat! That's good that you found something you like. Keep that piano playing going!! I also took up more yoga classes. sooo helpful and do those adult coloring books. hehe. But they are fun and awesome!

by **mrscohn** » Wed May 11, 2016 6:41 pm

I love coloring books!! I even founds an app (Colorfy) so I can color on my phone when insomnia kicks in! haha

by **AndiA108** » Fri May 13, 2016 2:33 pm

Oh really?? I may have to check this one out haha!

by **AndiA108** » Mon May 16, 2016 5:58 am

How are you doing mrscohn??

I had a mini cry session yesterday. It was a couple things piling up but one of them was definitely because of my worry that I'll never become pregnant. I know I need to just stay positive. So heading to a yoga class at lunch time!