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So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 6:08 pm
by LK1123
Hi Ladies...

Just needed a place to come where I know that my fears will be understood and see if anyone has advice on how to stay sane. A little back story... I had my 3rd miscarriage this past July just days after losing my grandmother as well so it was a double whammy. This was the first loss with my husband as the other two were when I was younger and not planned. I was even on bcp with both. So as hard as those were, this was even harder. I was on Femara due to PCOS and VERY VERY rarely ovulating on my own. I really needed a break to heal emotionally and collect myself and my thoughts and just pray about everything for awhile. My husband and I are ready to start trying again and I'm taking my first dose of Femara tonight as it's CD3 after a round of provera. I'm also on synthroid 25mcg for hypothyroidism which is new since the last pregnancy.

I am roller coastering between a sense of peace and being TERRIFIED. I am so scared that I won't get pregnant, then I'm scared I will get pregnant. I'm scared of my husband being scared and just not saying anything. I'm nervous about going back on Femara and dealing with side effects and hormonal shifts. I have always wanted to be a mother and pray for the blessing of a child constantly, but I'm struggling with just relaxing. I've given my desire for children to God, but I can't seem to shake some last fears.

Anyone else feel like this when they got back in the saddle?

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:38 pm
by B Michaelson
I am sorry you are struggling Lindsay.

I had an unexpected pg and loss in 2004. I didn't track my cycles at then but they were all over the place so I had no idea how late I was, but I lost the LO as soon as I found out so it never really sunk in.

Like you, our loss in October was totally different. We had been waiting so long (since the first loss) and trying so hard so we were crushed when it ended so quickly and it has been tough.

I am on 75mcg of synthroid but my thyroid has been messed up for years. Possibly this is why my cycles were screwy before. I seem to do ok on it though.

I don't have any issues with my cycles at the moment and we are still not cleared to TTC yet and DH is too afraid, but there is always the fear that it might happen again when we do.

I really hope this gets easier for you and the meds are not too difficult this time around. I am not sure if the fear ever goes away but I hope that it settles some.


Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:49 am
by littlemissbroody27
Hi Lindsay - I remember you from the SMEP thread, i'm so sorry for your losses :hugs:
I have no helpful advice about the fertility drugs you are taking, but the emotional side of things...well I feel exactly the same, Scared.

I had a late mc at 20 weeks in August - I have had 1 AF since then which was all normal and now i'm on CD40 with no sign of anything...we wern't really TTC this cycle as DH wasn't on board until I had had the all clear from my consultant. (which we have had now)

I am absolutely you of not being able to get pregnant, or being pregnant and the risk of another mc, also of my husband being scared but not telling me, and really worried about how I am going to get through the next few months/years until we get out take home baby...i'm also worried about if/how this is all affecting my almost 3 year old - he must be able to sense comething is wrong with his mummy - but obviously not know what!

I thank god that I have DS as he is pretty much the reason that I haven't totally broken down and crawled into a deep dark hole...I CANT and I am thankful for that...But I just want to give him a baby brother or sister to play with as all his cousins on DH's side of the family are so much older (the closest in age being 21) and my only brother is only 22 himself so no cousins coming there any time soon!

I hope that god answers your prayers very soon...and until then we are here to help you on your journey
x x x

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:31 am
by LK1123
Thank you so much B and Rachna. I don't want anyone else to have to feel the way I do, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone. I live in a city that used to have our states highest teen pregnancy rate and grew up thinking it would be so easy to get pregnant. It's so hard going to my doctors office and seeing several young mothers to be and understanding why them over someone like us who are mature, financially stable, and actively trying. I know it'll make sense one day to me why and I have to just be patient, but patience is something I'm not great at. :-/ I'm really glad there is a site for women to come together and talk with others so openly.

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:47 am
by TDarrow
I'm so sorry that you are feeling all out of sorts and hurting. Saying prayers for you that God gives you peace of mind and understanding and bless you with the child you most definitely deserve. Keep your chin up dear. God Bless!!

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 6:32 am
by B Michaelson
Lindsay I am thankful for this site too. I think I would have gone crazy had it not been for the support of everyone on here and a couple people who went through the same type of loss, sharing their experiences with me. As horrible as I felt, it was nice to know it was a normal horrible.

I grew up in a town like that too. I call it Welfare Town. There are no jobs so people get pregnant at 16 or become drug addicts or alcoholics. Or, like me, you move away as fast as you can and don't look back. I find it almost disturbing that people I went to school with are going to be grandparents and I have yet to have my first.

We will get there though!

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 1:08 pm
Yes, it is nice to find a place where people understand. My DH does not seem nearly as affected by this as I am (it may be because he isn't going through all the hormones)

Also I am not sure he entirely 'gets' it. He heard blighted ovum and automatically thinks that nothing was there so there technically was no baby. I have a hard time explaining it to him. Maybe I should let him think that way if it is easier for him.

As for my has just started thinking about trying and asked me if I was scared that I am not ready for a baby (lifestyle change etc). I told her I was at that point the first month or two I was TTC...then after 7 months of trying and finally a BFP then losing it at 8 realize how much you want this and all your fears of having a baby go away and are replaced with fears of not having a baby...

I am trying to focus on the fact we were able to get pregnant and therefore we will again

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:09 pm
by LK1123

First off - I am sorry for all of your losses as well. There is nothing anyone can ever say to make it better or not hurt as much and so because of that - I will offer the only thing I can and that's to say I am sorry and will be praying you all get your rainbow babies sooner than later.

B - Same thing here. I've known people who actually are young enough to become a grandparent and a parent in the same week because they had their first ones so young!!!

GWTW - My first was a blighted ovum and people just don't seem to understand what it really is and how it's still just as hard. I think the minute you see that second line you are instantly in love with that baby inside you. My DH doesn't seem as affected either and I think when I really listen to him, I understand that it's not that it didn't affect him, it's just that he's being strong for me and I feel like I'm the reason we lost our baby so am being harder on myself and he's just going with the "it wasn't meant to be" attitude. I feel like I'm keeping him from his dream and I get more upset about that than my own dream to be a mother. I, too, try to focus on the fact that I've at least had a moment, even though short lived, of being able to know the miracle of life inside me. I know that I will get to hold my babies for eternity in heaven and hold on to that hope. :)

Re: So nervous about trying again...

PostPosted: Sat Dec 21, 2013 8:04 pm
by mrsm44
Lindsay, I am so sorry about your losses! I think it is safe to say that everyone here feels the same...the unknown is troubling, and it's almost more nerve wrecking getting a BFP after a loss, rather than a BFN. We just lost our baby at 21 weeks, and have not yet really started trying again, since I am bleeding on and off and my cycle has not returned. I can imagine I will feel terrified though when we get that BFP again. Before I even knew our son had Trisomy 13, I was frightened. I always hear all these horror stories about bad things happening to good people...the people who always do everything right, who want their baby (and were trying to get pregnant). It always seems that the irresponsible people who weren't trying to conceive, and who are drinking and/or doing drugs or simply not taking good care of themselves...who have the healthy babies, who make it to term, without batting an eyelash. That's what terrifies me about it all! Trust me, I am sure that 99% of the women on here are scared about TTC, even if they haven't experienced a loss! You are definitely not alone, and I will listen when you need :)