Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

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Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby pumpkinseed » Sat Jan 31, 2015 11:15 am

Hey ladies,

It's been a couple weeks since my m/c and it's been up and down. I feel down at times and other times I'm able to not think about it, which is nice. Today, we are doing some early spring cleaning and the "baby room" which only had a rug we had just bought and a few other things in it, was making me sick, to be honest.

Every time I would pass the room, I couldn't look in so I shut the door. Today, I went in, sorted through the cards/gifts people had given me as "congrats" and ripped up the cards which was cathartic! One card talked about how "wonderous" pregnancy is and how I will feel a change in a my "heart and body." Well, wonderous is not exactly how I would describe my experience of pregnancy/loss and the change I felt in my heart (anger/extreme sadness) and body (cramping so severe I almost went to the hospital) is not the "joyful pregnancy" these cards were promising me!!! I'm being sarcastic here so bear with me. :?

Of course, the card came from someone who had never had a m/c so she wouldn't know, and I know I'm being sort of callous about the whole thing, but frankly, I deserve to be pissed off and angry about it! I wish I could be as "sunshine and puppy dogs" about pregnancy, like those lucky women who never experience a loss, but I'm not.

I've kept the few gifts but put them away (out of sight, out of mind) and I'm going to return the maternity top someone gave me as it feels like bad mojo to keep it.

I rolled up the rug (which still had the tag on it) and we plan to return it.

I honestly feel sooooo much better sort of cleansing myself of all that "stuff." I'd rather have a bare-bones room than a room that keeps reminding me of the loss.

If/when we do get pregnant again, I plan to wait 'til I'm 4 months along to start doing any kind of baby room planning. I'm going to be overly cautious now and sadly, this m/c has stolen the excitement from me. If I'm lucky to get pregnant again, I'm going to try my hardest to be positive about it, but I know I'll be even more anxious than I was the last time.

Just wanted to share. I truly am feeling better, even if I do sound "angry" about the whole thing, but I feel like we need to "start over" and this is helping me do that. Wondering how all of you are coping and how you deal with the gifts, cards people may have given you, if you shared the news?
Me: 37 / DH: 43 / G-free / Autoimmune thyroid disease (nature-throid)
Lovenox, metanx, baby aspirin, prometrium, vitamin d3, prenatal, progesterone
MMC: 01-14-15
CP: 4-12-15
MMC: 7-13-15 (d&c, heartbeat was seen but gone at 8 weeks, 2 days)
TTC ON HOLD WHILE I AWAIT RESULTS, HOPING FOR RAINBOW BABY
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Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby orangecat » Sat Jan 31, 2015 1:40 pm

It is the worst..I know. So sorry you are going through this. It does get better with time but the hurt never goes away. I was hopeful I would be pregnant before my original due date and sadly it has passed and I am no closer to my BFP than I was before I started TTC.
Get angry. Scream. Cry and let it all out. I cling to the hope that I did get pregnant once so I must be able to again.
We didn't buy anything for the baby so I don't have any advice on that.
We shared with our families and they were all waiting until later to start buying things so I have no advice on that either.
MC robs us of what a normal healthy pregnancy should be like.
I have a friend that just gave birth and only had one 20 week scan all pregnancy. I can't even begin to count the number of follicle ultrasounds I've had. I don't want to feel bitter or jealous but I do. I hate it.
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Me 37
DH 39
"Unexplained Infertility" diagnosis Feb 2014
IUI- planned for May 2014
Surprise BFP April 18/2014 while waiting for IUI!
Natural miscarriage April 29/2014 - 6 weeks
IUI #1 50mg Clomid and 24 mil sperm July 4/2014= BFN
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Aug= CANCELLED due to cyst and midcycle bleed
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Oct 7/2014= BFN
2015 NOTHING
2016 New RE gives us hope
April 19/16 Ectopic Pregnancy while waiting to begin IUI again
Right tube removed
DH 3% Morphology
ME AMH 4.4PMOL (British scale)
"I may not be there yet. But I am closer than I was yesterday."
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Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby pumpkinseed » Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:17 pm

Hi Orangecat -

Thank you! It feels so good to vent with no apologies here. I had a good cry this morning which felt good to let it out as I've felt kind of numb to the whole thing lately.

The unfairness of it all is maddening. I've only had the one pregnancy = m/c but we put off ttc for a long time as we were going through other life stressors so it just feels like I have a "kick me" sign on my back as nothing has been easy and now this.

One scan = healthy baby? That is unreal when you consider what so many women have to go through. It's hard not to compare, but you do start to think "why me?" Then I come here and read other stories (like yours) and think "why us?" It looks like you've been through the ringer. I'm so sorry - that sucks.

What kind of testing has your OB done to give you "unexplained dx?" If you have any autoimmune stuff going on (like me) or even if you don't I would find a reproductive immunologist if you haven't already. It might uncover something. Lots of ladies finding success with that. Lots more testing s run than normal OB or even RE would do. My dr is in Chicago, but there are docs in NY and CA as well. ** Just saw you are in Canada, maybe there is one by you ? **

I am learning so much. To think how stupid and naive I was about this whole process prior to ttc. I always had nagging worry in back of mind because I've had some health issues but for some reason, I was still thinking all would work out. Nope.

Waiting for some tests to come back (autoimmune) to see if that reveals anything. So far, at the very least it looks like I may have blood clotting issue which would require blood thinning injections prior to and during entire pregnancy (like I said if I can get pregnant again) so ...eek. I hate shots but I'll suck it up if I have to.

I can see where no bfp by your due date would stress you out. Hang in there. I wish I could fix it for you and all these other ladies. :hugs:

At least we can all support each other and learn from each other which I am so so grateful for.
Me: 37 / DH: 43 / G-free / Autoimmune thyroid disease (nature-throid)
Lovenox, metanx, baby aspirin, prometrium, vitamin d3, prenatal, progesterone
MMC: 01-14-15
CP: 4-12-15
MMC: 7-13-15 (d&c, heartbeat was seen but gone at 8 weeks, 2 days)
TTC ON HOLD WHILE I AWAIT RESULTS, HOPING FOR RAINBOW BABY
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Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby orangecat » Sat Jan 31, 2015 5:41 pm

Pumpkinseed
It is super interesting that you mention autoimmune conditions...
Before we started TTC my family doctor ran day 3 blood work to check my FSH levels as I had previously been diagnosed with lichen sclerosis which is an autoimmune condition that affects vaginas...it is the worst. Basically it is a condition that causes open sores (like paper cuts) on my labia and perineum when i have a flare up. Thankfully I am able to keep it under control by eating GF, using emu oil and keeping stress down.
My day 3 blood work was good and I have it repeated multiple times over the last 2 years. Sh has had multiple SA and the numbers have been less than good to great so I guess we could be considered mild male factor to an extent but we did achieve pregnancy once on our own so we know it can be done.
In our healthcare system everything is by referral so my family doctor referred us to an OB/gym who ran a bunch of blood work and did my HSG (all clear) she then referred us on to an RE who did ultrasounds and more blood work. She then referred us to an RE in another city as there is no one here who actually treats infertility. We are no dealing with our RE over the phone and travel 3 hours for IUI which has failed us twice.
I hope you get answers soon and we both get our wishes sooner than later.
Nice to meet you and chat. Xo
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Me 37
DH 39
"Unexplained Infertility" diagnosis Feb 2014
IUI- planned for May 2014
Surprise BFP April 18/2014 while waiting for IUI!
Natural miscarriage April 29/2014 - 6 weeks
IUI #1 50mg Clomid and 24 mil sperm July 4/2014= BFN
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Aug= CANCELLED due to cyst and midcycle bleed
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Oct 7/2014= BFN
2015 NOTHING
2016 New RE gives us hope
April 19/16 Ectopic Pregnancy while waiting to begin IUI again
Right tube removed
DH 3% Morphology
ME AMH 4.4PMOL (British scale)
"I may not be there yet. But I am closer than I was yesterday."
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orangecat
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Posts: 325
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Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby pumpkinseed » Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:19 pm

Orangecat -

Oh wow, with Lichen Sclerosis, even under control, I wonder if you have other autoimmune issues causing problems for you getting pregnant / maintaining pregnancy. It's worth looking into as just like your body attacks itself (during autoimmune process), it can always see baby as "infection or virus" and attack the same way. If you can't get that inflammation under control, it can sometimes pose a problem getting/maintaining pregnancy. I've seen a lot of success stories, though, of women who treat the issue with blood thinners, metformin, aspirin, IVIG or intralipids, etc and finally get that baby!

Do you have PCOS or cystic ovaries? What reason are you doing the IUI?

As far as SA, my hubby has been on fertile aid and Coast Science Fertility supplements and my RI really thinks it helps. We did get pregnant, so I don't think his low morph was impacting us much (as he has very high count), but it can only help improve motility/morph, etc. If you are worried about low sperm count, I would get him on a supplement right away.

Looks like this guy, in Toronto, specializes in RI. http://www.lifequestivf.com/carl-a-laskin-md-frcpc.html

My doctor ran like 20 vials of blood and I've uncovered a few things already. MTHFR is one (I'm positive for one copy of this mutation) and basically it means I can't process folic acid they way some people can. I need to take folate (not folic acid - synthetic) and vitamin b (a certain type) so my body works properly and doesn't effect implantation / growing fetus.

They also measured my blood flow to my uterus and my levels aren't good (blood clotting) so again meds can help with that. This blood flow issue can affect "getting pregnant" and "staying pregnant."

I also have PAI-1 (again one copy of mutation) which can affect blood clotting and can cause miscarriages (or trouble getting pregnant/implantation). I will most likely need a blood thinner (at the very least baby aspirin) to treat this.

I find out more later this week as to what other issues I might have and what I can do to treat these issues prior to (and during - hopefully) a future pregnancy.

I would hate to see you waste time/money on IUI/IVF if there is some underlying autoimmune issue that needs to be under control to make those successful. Have you had your thyroid tested?

I am gluten-free as well (helps with my autoimmune stuff as well) - so glad that is helping you. I googled Lichen Sclerosis and it sounds incredibly painful I am so happy you are pretty much in remission. That is amazing!
Me: 37 / DH: 43 / G-free / Autoimmune thyroid disease (nature-throid)
Lovenox, metanx, baby aspirin, prometrium, vitamin d3, prenatal, progesterone
MMC: 01-14-15
CP: 4-12-15
MMC: 7-13-15 (d&c, heartbeat was seen but gone at 8 weeks, 2 days)
TTC ON HOLD WHILE I AWAIT RESULTS, HOPING FOR RAINBOW BABY
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Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby orangecat » Sat Jan 31, 2015 6:56 pm

Wow. Thanks for bringing new information to light for me. I will definitely be doing some more research on RI's. Unfortunately Toronto is very far away from us...
My thyroid has been tested. DH's count is decent and he has great motility and morphology. He is the absolute worst at swallowing pills but I will see what I can do! He needs to quit smoking....it is the only thing we fight about. I quit over 2 years ago when we decided to start trying and it pains me that he won't.
For now I am taking femara and we are timing intercourse with follicle ultrasounds. This is our first cycle trying this and I am 6dpo today.
We did IUIs as that is what they recommend for "unexplained". I feel lost and at times like all they care about is $$.
Unfortunately for us the next closest clinics that have RE's are 7-8 hours away by car....we would have more options in a bigger city like Toronto or Calgary.
Image
Me 37
DH 39
"Unexplained Infertility" diagnosis Feb 2014
IUI- planned for May 2014
Surprise BFP April 18/2014 while waiting for IUI!
Natural miscarriage April 29/2014 - 6 weeks
IUI #1 50mg Clomid and 24 mil sperm July 4/2014= BFN
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Aug= CANCELLED due to cyst and midcycle bleed
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Oct 7/2014= BFN
2015 NOTHING
2016 New RE gives us hope
April 19/16 Ectopic Pregnancy while waiting to begin IUI again
Right tube removed
DH 3% Morphology
ME AMH 4.4PMOL (British scale)
"I may not be there yet. But I am closer than I was yesterday."
User avatar
orangecat
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Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Jun 24, 2013 10:44 am
Location: Regina, Saskatchewan. CANADA

Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby pumpkinseed » Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:57 pm

Orangecat -

It is hard to find good docs when you aren't near a big city. I would at the very least get your iron (ferritin) and vitamin d3 tested. I was anemic and had super low D3 (common in autoimmune people) so I had to up my D (over 50 is best, over 80 optimal). My ferritin was 13 and now it's over 60 which is much, much better.

Also watch your diet. Stay off the gluten (which you do), limit dairy if you can, limit sugar and carbs. Drink TONS of water. These are all things my docs suggest (which I already do) and with a lot of women, they can eat like crap and get pregnant, but with any autoimmune stuff, diet is key to cutting down on inflammation which can affect getting and staying pregnant.

I take vitamin d3 and a b-complex. I also take folate (not folic acid) and apparently I should be taking more than usual. I only take 400 mcg daily but I plan to double or triple that. I'll see what my doc says.

If they can test for MTHFR, you might need Metanx or Folgard supplement. Apparently those are the types of folate and b that can be processed in the body if you have this deficiency.

Did they test you for PCOS? DHEA, Testerone and FSH/LH? Any symptoms of PCOS? I forget if you mentioned that.

It's hard not to feel like the drs are not all about money as it's so expensive and probably feels hopeless at times and I'm hoping there are more good than bad out there, not taking advantage of people.

I'm sure it's hard for him to quit smoking, but at least you quit as that's most important. Maybe you can switch out his cigarettes with carrot sticks - lol!

I wish you luck this cycle and if you'd like I can PM you the tests my doc ran. Maybe your OB or RE would be willing to run some of them for you? They should at least run ANA, CR-P, RH, TPO, etc (normal autoimmune labs)

Sorry - I'm playing "doctor" here, I can't help it! I'm feeling stressed with my own health stuff, so it helps to pick others health histories apart to see if I can help in any way! I just get so mad at drs as a lot of them miss the obvious and waste women's time. My sister took two years to get pregnant (because they never ran thyroid labs). As soon as she was on thyroid meds - bam, pregnant.
Me: 37 / DH: 43 / G-free / Autoimmune thyroid disease (nature-throid)
Lovenox, metanx, baby aspirin, prometrium, vitamin d3, prenatal, progesterone
MMC: 01-14-15
CP: 4-12-15
MMC: 7-13-15 (d&c, heartbeat was seen but gone at 8 weeks, 2 days)
TTC ON HOLD WHILE I AWAIT RESULTS, HOPING FOR RAINBOW BABY
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pumpkinseed
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Posts: 292
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2014 6:23 am

Re: Getting over miscarriage - one day at a time

Postby orangecat » Sat Jan 31, 2015 8:17 pm

Pumpkin
No PCOS testing that I know except for ultrasounds. I dont have copies of the labs that have been run and would happily take any info you want to share. PM me for sure:)
I was taking Vit D and a B complex. I ran out and didn't bother purchasing this cycle as I hadn't had any luck this far.
I am just taking acidiphilous as it helps with the lichen and a prenatal.
I was dairy free and sugar free for awhile. And vegetarian for most of the last 2 years. I quit soy this cycle and started eating organic grass fed beef from a farmer I know. I've read so many mixed things about soy and thought WTH. I have nothing to lose at this point and will try anything!
Image
Me 37
DH 39
"Unexplained Infertility" diagnosis Feb 2014
IUI- planned for May 2014
Surprise BFP April 18/2014 while waiting for IUI!
Natural miscarriage April 29/2014 - 6 weeks
IUI #1 50mg Clomid and 24 mil sperm July 4/2014= BFN
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Aug= CANCELLED due to cyst and midcycle bleed
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Oct 7/2014= BFN
2015 NOTHING
2016 New RE gives us hope
April 19/16 Ectopic Pregnancy while waiting to begin IUI again
Right tube removed
DH 3% Morphology
ME AMH 4.4PMOL (British scale)
"I may not be there yet. But I am closer than I was yesterday."
User avatar
orangecat
TTC Queen
TTC Queen
 
Posts: 325
Joined: Mon Jun 24, 2013 10:44 am
Location: Regina, Saskatchewan. CANADA


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