Early 20s, do you find people are judgmental?

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Postby and1makes3 » Tue Oct 20, 2009 12:51 am

Oh, I am so with you on that one. I think their intentions are generally good - but it's insensitive when people don't know what you have been through or how you feel.

My friends are really supportive though

Good luck ladies and baby dust to all!
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Same boat

Postby LILMissSun » Mon Oct 26, 2009 11:13 am

I'm in the same boat... I'm 23 and my DH is 21, my mother's first marriage failed, so she had to raise three girls on her own. and my older sister who is 30 is just now engaged. so she automatically assumes my marriage and life are the wrong choice. she thinks i should be like my sister and wait, even though i was told by dr's i wont beable to concieve. grr :x
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Postby faerie_tink » Mon Oct 26, 2009 2:21 pm

I'm 23 and DP is 28. We've been together 16 months (although we've known each other for years) and we each have a boy from a previous relationship. We've decided that since we've been together more than a year, that we'd like to have a child together. You would not believe the negative responses we've received! :cry: "Y'all don't need another one!" and so on and so on. SO we've just quit talking about it. It's been a couple of months now, and no one's mentioned it. I'm hoping this is the month, and I'll just surprise everyone on Christmas! Then I dare them to say something discouraging! :x
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Postby waiting4BFP » Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:48 am

i know what you ladies mean..

I am 22 dh is 24. I graduated highschool at 16. I am finishing college right now, my dh and I have a wonderful home, 2 great dogs, have a great SUV.. and it just seems weird that its only the two of us. we bought the suv with the dvd player in 06 when we got married.. thinking we would need more room really soon.. its been 3 years and still no baby...

ppl used to tell us all the time we should just wait. I told them that we were ready, but it never seemed to make them understand.

Then about a year in to trying i found out I had endo, stage 4. I had to have 3 surgeries, and one ovary removed, along with over 14 months of hormone injections. If i had waited until THEY thought we were ready, i may have lost more then just one ovary. Now my dr is pushing for my to get pg and really try(like we havent already been trying) I guess they can all take their comments and shove them..

Now I am just honest, we are trying, and IF and when we have a baby.. the only person/ppl who need to worry about it are dh and I. we have been married over 3 years and together over 5. I just think sometimes ppl dont want to believe that as a younger person you couldnt possibly know what love and forever means, nor could you possibly be ready to take on a child. But in most cases those same ppl had children young, or were married and divorced at a young age. And for some reason they believe that everyone will repeat their mistakes.
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I'm with ya!

Postby moonbeam26 » Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:18 am

Great thread! I had my son at 24 (got pg at 23) and people thought my DH and I were crazy! My DH was 28 at the time.

Now that I'm 26 and ttc #2 (with difficulty) people are a bit more accepting, but still think it is too soon!

The hardest part besides the comments though is just trying to raise my DS in a society geared towards older moms. There are some big differences. When I walk into a playgroup, every single woman is in her late 30's to early 40's. They have already gone through their careers and have "settled" into their lives. They don't want to talk about anything that isn't baby related because they have "done all that" already. We don't have anything in common because they are in a very different stage in their lives.

What is worse is the judgement - the other day one of my older friends (over 30 not a mom but wants kids eventually) said that maybe I don't understand what it is like because I don't feel the "urgency" to have kids like older women do. I was like - I've been TTC #2 for 1.5 years! Hello! I feel urgency all right. And because I am younger, doctors aren't quick to give me any form of treatment. They just say, "It will pass" or "Just give it time." Of course if I was over 30 they would have me on Clomid and Metformin and whatever else so fast I'm sure it would make my head spin.

Most of the time, I find that older women having babies are very inflexible and judgmental. They've read the parenting books, took their time to have kids, have a house (I do too!) and a stable relationship (I do too!) and an education (me too!) and a career (me too!) so that must mean they are better equipped right? But I think it is a lot of the older moms who are more frazzled by having a baby, being really set in their ways and not knowing how to roll with the punches you know?

Okay, done venting about older moms - there are many great ones out there too, but it felt nice to just for a minute. In 4 1/2 years I'll be an "old" mom too! LOL! And probably wondering what all these young 20-year-olds are doing thinking they can have babies! LOL!

Thanks for the thread and listening to me vent!
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Postby Corvina » Sun Nov 01, 2009 1:20 am

I'm only 20, we've been trying since A little afetr I turned 19. I told my dad and stepmom,and the onlt thing they asked was if I was mentally ready for it. And when I said yes, they said good! And wished me luck even shared stories about how long it took to have me. And even gave me tips, etc.

My mom and younger sister though were not so supportive. But they dont like my husband and I honestly dont think they like me much so they can shove it. Both think we wont last, both think we cant afford it(We can. in fact hubby is getting a new job here soon.) and the whole you're to young thing.

pssh. I jst dont listen to peopel like that. I want a big family, and I dont want to be 30 and just starting to have kids I want to start young so my family can grow. :)
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Postby socialite_baby » Tue Nov 03, 2009 4:27 pm

I used to get looked down on for my age a lot too. I got a part time job almost a year ago (no longer have it) and whenever I would train someone they would look down at my ring finger, scrunch their nose, and ask if I'm married. I said yes and told them for however many months it had been... One of the women I trained who was less than a year older than me asked me flat out "How many kids do you have?" I was shocked and told her none and that DH and I have two yorkies. She then told me "Everyone that gets married young has kids before they get married. What's the point if you don't have them?" I told her DH and I love each other and walked away... When I came back she kept harassing me about it. Another girl would just keep asking me why DH and I want kids so young. She was the same age as me and just kept saying "I can't imagine having a baby right now." I had to keep reminding her that at the time I had already been married for almost a year... It's completely different!
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Postby BeccaM » Tue Nov 10, 2009 6:41 am

I am 20... well, actually, I'll be 21 in a few days :). My husband (who is 24) and I got married in January, 2009, and I've been hoping for kids since spring! I'm not very old, and neither is he, according to today's standards, but we both feel that we will be ready for our children when they arrive. It's not so much your age, but your maturity. We have wonderful families, are part of an awesome church fellowship, my husband has a good job and we have a small house and car that are already paid for! So why not have kids? I don't consider my life ending when we have children, but beginning.

So I say, if you're truly ready, mind, body and spirit, then go for it! Who cares how old you are? :)
TTC for our first child since May, 2009. Our BFP on March 12th, 2010! Born November 14th.

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Postby airborne_wife84 » Tue Nov 10, 2009 9:01 am

I get similar comments, not asd much about my age, but about my husbands occupation. He is in the military and it seems all I hear from people outside of the military is how high the divorce rate is. It makes me mad, because yes we are trying to have a baby, and everyone automatically thinks it will end because my husband is in the military. Yes the divorce rate is high, I think it is high because of many girls who get married right out of highschool to be with their boyfriends. I'm not sayiong these kind of relationsips don't ever work, but the numbers are stacked against you, no matter what the ocupation. I'm only 23, and DH is 25. yes we are young, but we have also faced more challenges tahn most people, we have gone through 19 montsh of TTC #1, over 6 months worth of Fertility meds and we are on our second IUI. We have found strength ion eachother on this journey. I never imagined how difficult thsi would be for us, a seemingly young healthy couple just trying to start a family.
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Postby stefanielynn » Tue Nov 10, 2009 9:34 am

We've gone through a lot of stuff to get pregnant with #2 testing and procedure wise. Now that we know I have endo, people are more accepting of it. I'm so glad we didn't keep waiting and putting it off because things could have gotten worse. And of course our first is three now, and everyone adores him--he took us 28 months to conceive.

The military thing is also hard, I definitely agree with that! The divorce rate is high, but to me that just means that the couples who make it deserve it because they work hard for it. :wink: I was one that got married a year out of high school to my boyfriend when he ran off and joined the Air Force, and we've been married for 6 1/2 years now. It's like anything else (parenting, careers, etc)...different people are ready for it at different ages. :wink:
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Postby Coloradogirl » Tue Nov 10, 2009 10:21 am

Ive experienced this without even telling anyone that we are trying to conceive. My extended family didnt agree with me getting married at 21 (Im 22 now). They said I had my whole life in front of me so why settle down. The thing is Ive graduated from college, Ive traveled to 6 countries (1 of them twice), Im not the career woman type (I chose to be a nanny because I love children), we are buying our house this week and my husband has a great job with amazing benefit and we feel we are ready for children so why do people have to criticize and say you arent? So for that reason we decided not to tell anyone. On the other hand my MIL is very excited and keeps asking us every month if we have any surprises to tell them lol
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ugh, tell me about it

Postby srscott » Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:38 pm

DH and I got married at 17 & 18 and have been married almost 5 years now! I used to get so sick of the whispers that the only reason we would think about getting married so young was b/c I was preggers. I wasn't, and it bugged the crap out of me that so many people thought we we're to young to know what love was. We even had family members tell DH that he should get some "life experience" (other partners) before getting married to me. It go to the point we had family members tell cousins they weren't allowed to come to our wedding! Now that we are TTC I am hopefull they will be understanding in this situation and not judge us for being "too young."

(the funny thing is though DH has a younger brother that did the exact same thing, got married young, and everyone was thrilled for them b/c we made it work I gues its ok now)
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Postby Prettys13 » Mon Dec 14, 2009 3:01 pm

I get it from every type of person....young, old, male, female, moms, dads, singles, couples...everyone. My fiance and I have been TTC for 19 months now..and still no luck. I sometimes find myself being one of those judgmental people on occasion, but that is only towards people I know who are pregnant. I mean, it seems like everyone I know is pregnant and most of them are either younger than me or have been dating a shorter time than my fiance and I. (I am 24 and we have been together for 2 years)

Or another case is when they are 16 and get an abortion because having a kid will stop them from partying and buying clothes from the mall :roll: Those are the people I absolutely HATE to see get the gift of life when people like us have been trying so hard.

Sorry for the long rant, I'm just so tired of seeing everyone achieve my dreams and happiness so easily....and those same people with kids always tell us to wait! Hypocrites!
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Postby aliciamarie30815 » Tue Dec 15, 2009 1:08 pm

We haven't even told anyone that we are TTC and we are constantly getting told to wait until we are more financially stable. We both have decent jobs. Of course, we wish for better, just like anyone does at our age I suppose but I honestly believe in my heart that something is missing from our little home. I've been told by so many people who already have children that if you wait until you are completely financially stable, you'll never have children, because nobody is every completely at the point where they want to be. We've been dating for 5 years, not trying (but not preventing) for 2 years, and just recently started TTC in August of this year. My friends are not supportive and my granddaddy said he would be supportive when the time comes but right now he doesn't think it's the best idea. His mom and my aunt are already planning baby showers!! :oops:

One person has been really supportive and that's a lady I work with. She's older, 47, and has never wanted children and doesn't have any but she always tells me that if she ever did want children she would of wanted to have them when she was younger because she wouldn't want to be an old mama... hehe. She said she couldn't imagine being 47 now and having an 8 or 9 y/o.. she said she wouldn't be able to keep up with them. :) So, I usually lean on her with all my TTC frustrations and of course all the amazing ladies at TWW.

:)
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DH (Jamie) -27
DD (Haley): 08/19/2011 :) Our sweet miracle girl!
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Postby sari » Fri Dec 18, 2009 12:44 pm

I had my first at 22 and my last at 41.i have 6 wonderful beautiful children and would not change a thing.In fact I knew perfectly how to take car of my first without any help.My sis had her first at 39 and has no clue worries about everything.i always just knew instinctively what to do and did it.Don't let anyone tell you differently.You go Girll!!!!!!!!!!!I was married at 21 and also wanted a baby right away.It def was the right thing for me!!!!!


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