My husband never wants to BD, mixed signals. HelP!

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My husband never wants to BD, mixed signals. HelP!

Postby BabyWishes87 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:49 pm

My husband and I have been kind of TTC since September. In August we went for a preconception visit where the midwife told us we should BD every other day. This has not worked out... we BD 3/4x a month and it's ALWAYS initated by me. In fact..my DH and I will be celebrating 7 years together in May, 2 years married in July...and in this time, I can count on one hand how many times he initiated. I never really thought much of it until lately...

Some nights he rejects me...most nights actually. He's too tired, it's too cold...there is some reason why it's just not a good time/place.

We talked about starting to follow midwife's orders and do BD every other day...but so far I'm 4 days past AF and we have not BD once. I literally begged to BD, nothing. Promised me this AM that we would BD tonight no matter what - it's 1:38AM & I'm awake in tears after being rejected by my husband once again.

Every other part of our marriage is great. We get along, we love spending time with each other... there really are no other problems outside of the bedroom.

I asked him if the reason is that he isn't ready... I told him that if he isn't ready, we can go to the store and buy protection and that I 100% understand his decision and don't want him to feel rushed into such a big decision. He insists that he does not feel rushed and that he is ready! - This past summer even before our preconception appt, he printed out a copy of our health insurance policy to show me he made sure that all baby stuff would be properly covered.... and he took it upon himself to go to a health food store and buy vitamins (C, Zinc, E).... when I asked what all of these extra vitamins are he said that he heard that they'll "help his swimmers"... He often says stuff like, "When the baby is here...."...

I don't know how he expects this "baby" to actually get here!

Anyone want to offer any advice on this? I'm so confused. He talks about wanting a baby, declined my offer to do BD with protection (so I guess not really BD...but you know what I mean), taking the initiative to buy and take vitamins to help himself along...... He even sometimes reminds me to take the prenatals that the dr prescribed! .......

It's very emotionally stressful for me to constantly be rejected by my husband in the bedroom. It's bad enough that I feel like a failure because I'm not pregnant yet (from the few times we've tried)...but it REALLY hurts my self esteem when he refuses BD. And I don't know how to handle it.... Do I stop trying to initiate and see if he ever does? I'm afraid that he wont and then we'll never have a little one... (we've gone 6 months without just because I didn't initiate)..

I'm very open and honest with him and have told him exactly how it makes me feel to be rejected. That's when I get the song and dance that I got this morning, "I want to have a baby with you as soon as possible. We are going to do it tonight no matter what!"... but nothing comes of it...no BD. .... I've asked him if we could go to counseling for this and he says no he won't go.
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Postby Toscana » Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:12 am

babywishes87- I'm so sorry u are feeling like that... I know all to well EXACTLY how that feels. that happens to me quite a bit and I was starting to wonder if I would ever find anyone to relate to about it that was ttc.. just last week DH rejected me and I hate it cuz it makes u feel worthless and not good enough and it does affect ur self esteem.. ALOT. its def not a good feeling or thing to go through at all.. what I've learned and its very hard to do is to try not to take it personally. like I tend to initiate it when hes playing video games having his guy time so of course I'm gonna be rejected but really when u think about it what normal guy in their right mind rejects sex?? I mean seriously. I don't know whats wrong with him sometimes. we're like u guys though we've been together 10 years and married for 5 of them and we 've never had any other problems and we don't have any problems with sex but now recently it seems hes always so tired which I understand cuz he has a such a stressful and hard working job, but even when hes on his days off and I try to initiate it he rejects me and sometimes he will give the excuse that we will when its bedtime when hes tired because it makes him tired after lol but then once we bd all is fine and forgiven again. but I'm like u, I'm the one who initiates sex he rarely does. it makes me wonder if maybe he had low testosterone or something.. I dunno. sorry this is long its kind of rant cuz its so nice to have someone who understands.
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Postby litmajor » Thu Feb 16, 2012 8:50 am

Please don't feel guilty or like something is wrong. I think our society has done us a disservice by telling us that men want to bone all the time, and that women are constantly the ones rejecting it. Sometimes wives have higher sex drives than their husbands, sometimes it is the other way around, but neither is wrong or bad. Furthermore, it is totally normal for frequency of DTD to decrease over the course of a relationship too.. Pretty sure DH and I DTD more when we weren't living together and seeing each other mostly on the weekends than we do now that we live together and see each other daily :lol:

I know when we started TTC in August, BDing was very very stressful. I didn't know when I was O'ing (and stressing about it pushed it back even further), and my constant "It might be soon!" over the course of a few weeks put a lot of pressure on my DH to perform, and subsequently put him out of the mood. It wasn't that he was not committed to TTC, but that the whole situation stressed both of us out to the point where sex was just not fun. And while we women can still manage to BD when stressed, it just isn't as easy for a man (from a purely physiological standpoint).

I know it feels like rejection, but remember, particularly if he is usually like this, it is not you- your DH is just wired to not want it as much. I'm glad to hear that you are open and telling him how it makes you feel- that is definitely a step in the right direction. Maybe also point out that when he makes promises and doesn't follow through, that also hurts. I think the fact that he seems very comfortable with talking about it and even planning ahead to make sure that your insurance will cover things is a great sign that he is on board with you, and of course, your description of your strong marriage all seems like good indicators that this isn't something he is being corralled into, but rather something that you are both in together.

I understand wanting to BD every other day, but maybe if you know that it just does not work for your DH, you could try to limit it to every other day around the most fertile time. Are you charting? If you do OPTs and temping, OPTs will let you know before that O is coming your way (so instead of BDing for the entire follicular phase, you just BD in the days before you O, which is when it counts anyway), and if you are temping, a sustained temp shift will let you know that you did O (so you aren't worried about the frequent BDing once you have already O'd). I have seen ladies on here that did it this way, explained to their DHs that it would just be the one week of every day/every other day (or even just a few days), and I think that helped take some of the stress off of their DHs.

As for not initiating and waiting for him- that works for my DH (give it a week or two and he'll come sniffing around), but I doubt it would work for everyone (since there is rarely one solution that fits all). Particularly if your DH can go for a while without it, I think you would be setting yourself up for disappointment, hurting, and resentment if he doesn't- and as you are already upset, I don't think it would relieve stress for you.

I'm sorry this was such a novel! Basically, moral of the story, just remember that turning down BDing is likely more about how often your DH is comfortable BDing and not about what you are/aren't doing. Every other day works for some people, but for others, it is probably better to keep the marathons limited to the fertile period. GL! I hope it all works out for you.
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Postby BabyWishes87 » Thu Feb 16, 2012 9:12 am

Wow, I just can not believe the wonderful support from this website. This is something that I have spent so many nights awake...crying about...ALONE. Thank you for making me not feel alone. Something like this is embarrassing to talk about with even my closest (in real life) friends... I SO appreciate this. I'm actually nearly brought to tears because two strangers actually managed to make me hurt a little less. Thank you.

I've tried so hard to "plan" accordingly as for when I initiate. I know he is particular about it... has to be in the bed, at bed time (or else I get, "but it's not bed time!)... I make sure the bedroom (& my hubby) are warm enough, I try to do it on days when he didn't work any OT or days that he had off. He likes to take naps when he gets out of work, so I let him sleep without question so that he'll be a little rested and ready to go at bed time.... But I too get "Yeah we're going to do it later"... I wait patiently all night and then it starts to get really late, so I initiate and then I'm rejected...

I've been charting with just a basic calendar method... this month we ordered OPtest strips from amazon - I used them back in Sept but got turned off b/c of how expensive they were. Amazon was MUCH better for price. I will start using them today.... but I'm afraid that I'm going to see my positive LH surge and hubby still won't "cooperate" in the bedroom. I have been kind of hesitant to use the OPTs because I don't want to have resentment towards him over this...... resentment that I already feel I have.

While I do want to BD every other day, I'll even settle for once a week...but there doesn't seem to be any compromising on his end.

The even more bizarre part? He's frequently "ready to go"...all of his parts are "up" and running so-to-say lol. He just doesn't go anywhere with it.

I feel defeated. Begging my husband for sex makes me feel like a disgusting person. I definitely was cursed with a high sex drive, but I'm not an animal - I can control myself lol..(like I said, we went 6+months without ANY type of intimacy in the bedroom simply because I stopped initiating).. I don't want him to feel forced to have sex with me, that makes me feel like some kind of monster. And I'm so tired of feeling the pain from rejection. I ask my husband what I can do to make it more comfortable or appealing for him, but he says "nothing, the way you do it is perfect"....

Though this is still an issue, I feel so much better having talked with someone about it. Thank you!!!!!!
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Postby BearCub » Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:44 am

Babywishes, I can see that this is a very frustrating and difficult thing for you. I too desire sex with my DH more than he does and I feel frustrated. You are doing a wonderful job of communicating with you DH about your feelings and I encourage you to continue this dialog. I am slightly concerned that you went 6 months without BD as this seams to be outside of even normal variation in sex drive. I would suggest it is time for him to consult his doctor, if he is willing. Even though I would normally be concerned about his testosterone, the fact that he gets erections easily would indicate this is not the problem. You are correct that mental and emotional barriers can be a sex deterrent. Past abuse can play a role in such cases. Alternatively, some men masturbate too frequently and this leaves them no "energy" to do it with there wives. A doctor can help rule out these types of problems and others, many of which are easily remedied. This is a very sensitive topic and I applaud you for remaining open with your DH about your sex life.
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Postby BabyWishes87 » Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:39 pm

This month has REALLY turned around, for the better.

DH and I had a really long talk (after I literally stayed awake for 24 hours Wednesday into Thursday, crying - thinking somethings wrong with me..)...
On Thursday, we had a serious heart-to-heart talk that both of us really needed.....

Well, the good news is that we did BD on Saturday & Sunday...both initiated by him =) ..... I was thinking we ought to give it a rest today and was thankful for the past 2 days...but when I did my OPT, it came back POSITIVE! This is my first month using OPT's and it's VERY far off from when I thought I was ovulating (My iPhone app suggested that I'd be ovulating on the 26th of this month.. up until this cycle I've only used the data from the app.... had I waited until the 26th, we would've missed our chance!)...

I texted DH today while he was at work & told him about the positive test, and was SO pleased when we BD'd again today =) ...

Hopefully with all this BD'ing around my LH surge time, we'll get the baby we've been hoping for =)

I cant thank you guys enough for helping me stay positive through that rough patch.
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Postby BreeMum2B » Mon Feb 20, 2012 10:00 pm

That's great to hear I hope you get your BFP soon!!!
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Postby BearCub » Sun Feb 26, 2012 5:05 pm

That is such great news BabyWishes! Im proud of you for having that difficult conversation with your man. I really hope things are turning around for you and this is your month. Take care.
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Thought I was the only one

Postby SaviMarie » Mon Apr 02, 2012 6:53 pm

So glad to see that I am not alone in this...I am in the same boat with my DH....we have a great relationship, we've been together for 10+ years, and we are best friends. He sometimes complains that we don't BD enough, but it's always in the hypothetical...when it comes time to actually DTD he's too tired, or the tv/guitar/computer/etc. is more interesting than I am. I can honestly not remember a time since we've been married that he actually initiated sex. It's always me. I have tried to BD at least every other day during my fertile period, but 3 times per month is usually his limit. I actually got 4 out of him this month, but it took some serious trying and buying some new lingerie lol. I am fairly certain that this was the first time since we've been married (3 years this month) that we DTD more than 3 times in a month. When I was on BC, it was usually only once per month..because I pushed the issue right before AF...knowing that it'd probably be another month before I got any again haha.
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Postby Kaiowa » Tue Apr 24, 2012 3:23 pm

It makes you realise why most affairs (statistically) are actually the female partner playing away. I'd never do that myself, but I know the frustrations of trying to BD with an uncooperative partner. Mine hates to feel pressured or scheduled in, and he works long hours. I can't blame him exactly, and he's older than me as well which means he's not as into sex as he used to be. But I tend to pull away during non-fertile times so that he misses me enough so come ovulation he's more likely to make the effort.

Glad you managed to sort it out. Sometimes they need to see you cry and show just how distressed you really are.
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