How do I be a good friend?

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Do I have a right to be upset?

Poll ended at Fri Mar 21, 2008 12:57 pm

Yes!
4
80%
No! You're crazy!
1
20%
 
Total votes : 5

How do I be a good friend?

Postby iwantamyersbaby » Thu Mar 06, 2008 12:57 pm

:oops: :shh: :? :shock: Ok, so I have posted one other time on this site. I love it because I don't feel alone and feel marked as the "unpregnated" one. So, my fiance and I have been together for about 2and a half years. We love each other very much. More than anything in life I want to be a mother. MORE THAN ANYTHING! So, we have been trying for a while. We haven't used protection in over two years, we have only had 1 instance where we thought I could be pregnant. (I wasn't) :x
Ok, so since WE have been trying I have told a limited amount of friends. Also since I've been trying about 5 of them have gotten pregnant! Now, I am not jealous of them because they all deserve happiness. Some of them have had their baby and they're just adorable. The others are still cute a prego! I almost get excited like, "oh, i'm next!" not yet. Here's the current problem I have. My friend who is a year older than me still lives with her parents, goes to college, and is in a monogomas relationship, she recently found out that she has a surprise pregnacy. She was upset (normal)but she just needed to calm down and talk to her boyfriend. She is having an abortion. not only is she having one but she is coming to ME for ADVICE!! Me, the one girl who really wants a baby can't have one and she wants me to be a good friend. I honestly respect her right as a woman but what about my right to feel jealous and upset for her oppurtunity that she is GIVING UP! I think that their reasons are unjustified and it's just REALLY getting to me. I told her what I thought and she came back with "You'd understand if you were in my position!" that upset me soo bad. I want to be pregnant. I have always wanted to be a mother! She wants kids, just not now, and SHE'S GOING TO BE AN ELEMENTARY TEACHER! I just don't know how to feel! Can some one help me?

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Postby kricket24 » Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:47 pm

Ok, I agree with a lot of what Bunnittc said. However, I also believe that this baby is a baby. Not a "problem" not an "issue" not even an unwanted puppy, its a BABY. With that being said, and since this is my personal opinion; her choice came in when she decided to have unprotected sex. We all know how babies are made and if we want them or don't, there are tons of products out there to help us either way. I think it all comes down to what YOU believe in regardless of where you are in the TTC arena. Do you believe abortion is an acceptable practice? If yes, then I agree with Bunnittc and you should support your friend. If no, then I would say you should either end the friendship or encourage her to find another alternative. Either way, I pray for that baby. I know its in God's hands what happens to him or her, but its still very hard for me to hear of someone who is considering abortion. Please keep us posted. I hope I didn't offend anyone with my opinions, I really do try to be open minded just not when it comes to life or death and that's exactly what this is to me. :(
Kristen
Me - 30
DH - 33
DS #1 - 9
DS #2 - 3
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TTC#3 since 2010
IVF #1 - Oct/Nov 2012 - :bfp:
EDD Aug 12th, 2013!
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Postby kricket24 » Thu Mar 06, 2008 10:25 pm

No worries, I was just stating my opinion too!

On that note (and just to clarify myself) I know that there are lots of kids in foster care and that can be a bad situation for sure. I just don't think (and this is just my opinion) that once a baby is conceived it should just be considered an issue that needs to be dealt with or that the option to get rid of it should be an option. I understand that in special circumstances, its necessary and that's unfortunate but understandable. I just think each child should be given a chance and once there is life there it shouldn't be considered anything but what it is: a human baby. Its the whole perception of life that makes me think this way. Not just because I'm TTC but because I think all life should be viewed as precious and it upsets me that some women can be so callous and emotionally removed to view it as nothing more than "dealing with a problem."

Whether she used protection or not, I think things happen for a reason and for example, my pregnancy with DS was a huge shock. I was told I would not get pregnant on my own. However, instead of viewing it as a burden and being upset, I viewed it as a power greater than my own, (call it God, call it fate, call it whatever) stepping in and giving me this new opportunity, this new little life to love and care for. I realize that isn't how everyone else would take it but you get the idea.

Maybe this baby would be the best thing that ever happened to her. I think when something like an unplanned pregnancy occurs, its not just like getting a speeding ticket you have to deal with. I look at it as an amazing life opporunity placed in your lap and what you do with it will literally change your life one way or the other. Which do you think you would remember with more inner emotion, getting a speeding ticket or having an abortion?? I think she would one day regret her decision and I just hate to see that happen.

Again, just my opinion and I'll step down off my soapbox now. :wink:
Kristen
Me - 30
DH - 33
DS #1 - 9
DS #2 - 3
Twin Angels 2008 :angel: :angel:

TTC#3 since 2010
IVF #1 - Oct/Nov 2012 - :bfp:
EDD Aug 12th, 2013!
5w2d - Saw TWINS on u/s! Beta 2643!
6w1d - Beta MIRACLE! After a horrible scare, and TWO lab errors, beta from 6w0d is 13,000+ :D
6w4d - Baby A 124bpm :hb: Baby B 120bpm :hb:
8w0d - Baby A 179bpm :hb: Baby B 172bpm :hb:


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Postby d1ehexe » Fri Mar 07, 2008 1:44 am

Hello, I was debating a long time with myself, if I should answer. Because I don’t know how people will react to this.
I had an abortion 10 years ago; I got pregnant after a one night stand, no protection. I thought my mini pill was still in my system but it wasn’t. I found out I was pregnant after a weeks and weeks, with every pinch I thought my period would start but it didn’t. If u don’t want to see something , u can't see it .I was young and didn’t had the money to support my baby , yes I wrote my baby because that's what it was .I’m not trying to find excuses , I’m telling u what happened . I lived in Germany at the time, so I had to go to counseling and to my insurance because I didn’t had the money to pay for it myself. They treated me like dirt; in the hospital they treated me the same way. I know I made the right decision back then but it was the hardest one I ever made, if I could have given my life for my baby I would have.
I feel sorry for ur friend , don't think she doesn’t know that’s a baby , all this appointments we dream about she went to only to hope it's all a dream she could wake up from. She has to make a decision, where there is no right choice. And she is scared, coming to u for help. I told a few friends about my pregnancy and 2 stood by me let my cry for hours, I mourned my baby and I knew it was me who did this . Another told everybody about it. Ur friend need somebody to help her through this and if u think u can’t, step away and let her find somebody who will. I don’t blame you for not being able to cope with Ur wish to have a baby and her not to keep her’s.But none of u knows what it feels like to be in this position.
I want a baby more than anything in the world, we have been trying for 4 years, and I can imagine what u thinks now. And it can’t be worse than what I called myself; I have to live with what I did.
She wants’ children in the future and she is going to be a teacher. Do u think she hates children because she doesn’t want them now ?Maybe there are women out there who get rid of their baby and forget about it , I hope ur friend is not going to be one of those . From now on she will second guess this decision for the rest of her life; she will cry for the child she lost, she will live with guild for the rest of her life. But she must feel that this is the only way for her .
Don't think for a minute she is taking this lightly.
I would be jealous if one of my friends would tell me, they are pregnant and don’t want to keep it. But I know what they are going to go through .Even after 10 years it still hurts , I still cry when I talk about it . And there isn’t a thing in the world I wouldn’t give up to get pregnant.
So this is my story , never for a second would i have thought any of this could happen to me but it did . I don't know how strongly u all feel about abortion and i don't know how u feel about women who have them , this is just my opinion .I don't mean to offend anyone .
Me - Meike :35 , DH - Stephen :36 , Married June 2000 TTC #1 for 9 years
DS Ben ~ 02 May 2010 DD Abbie ~ 11 October 2011
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Thank you all

Postby iwantamyersbaby » Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:56 am

I really appriciate everyone talking to me. I feel like a horrible person b/c i have these feelings of guilt, and pain, and anger, and jealousy. She really does need a friend and I am torn. Yes, she did know what she was doing. She has never used the pill, her b/f uses a condom about 50% of the time. But the thing that upsets me is that the reasons that she has told me, I know there could be more, that she wants to abort the pregnancy, i don't think she sees it as a baby yet, is this; she doesn't want to tell her parents, she feels she can't afford it, and her b/f (who is 22, drinks and parties all the time) said automaticly without a second thought she should do it. I guess I just feel disappointed that it was a rash, permanant decision that she is making. She is also concerned about the chances of her getting pregnant down the road when she is ready. I just really, don't know what to say or how to act. I feel horrible. :cry:
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Postby kricket24 » Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:15 am

d1ehexe - I also give you credit for posting and telling your story. I wont judge you because its not my place. I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy but since I was in a relationship I didn't consider abortion. My mom suggested it and I will never forgive her for that, but that's in the past. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you but I'm glad you had friends there to support you. I'm sure that's something you'll never be able to forget and that was exactly my point.

SMURPHY8228
- I wonder if you printed off what d1ehexe wrote if that might give her a new viewpoint and perhaps add some gravity to the situation? I really think that 5 or 10 years down the road when she is in the same position she will look back and deeply regret her decision. I hope she realizes that before its too late. I feel for you and I would be the same way. I honestly don't know that I could continue the friendship. I hope you can eventually find some kind of peace about this.
Kristen
Me - 30
DH - 33
DS #1 - 9
DS #2 - 3
Twin Angels 2008 :angel: :angel:

TTC#3 since 2010
IVF #1 - Oct/Nov 2012 - :bfp:
EDD Aug 12th, 2013!
5w2d - Saw TWINS on u/s! Beta 2643!
6w1d - Beta MIRACLE! After a horrible scare, and TWO lab errors, beta from 6w0d is 13,000+ :D
6w4d - Baby A 124bpm :hb: Baby B 120bpm :hb:
8w0d - Baby A 179bpm :hb: Baby B 172bpm :hb:


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Postby astrila » Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:11 am

Hi SMURPHY,

I agree with Bunnitt. I totally understand you being upset. It's so hard to watch friends get pregnant when you're trying so hard, and even harder to watch one give up the chance by having an abortion! But you also should stand by your friend and be there for her. Being a friend means putting your own feelings aside sometimes, even though it's hard. But, I bet after this, she probably will be a little more careful about using birth control! I'm guessing she probably came to talk to you about it because she thinks that you would know a lot about pregnancy and babies and be able to help her through it.

Best wishes!
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Postby d1ehexe » Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:19 am

Thanks Bunnittc u don't know how much that means to me

SMURPHY8228 : U are not a horrible person . This feelings are understandible . My problem about getting pregnant have nothing to do with the abortion , so there are no reasons why ur friend couldn't get pg in the future . But if she only reason she doesn't want to keep the baby is her boyfriend , then she should keep it .
Me - Meike :35 , DH - Stephen :36 , Married June 2000 TTC #1 for 9 years
DS Ben ~ 02 May 2010 DD Abbie ~ 11 October 2011
Miracles do happen , sometimes they just take time

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Postby wifeymaeg » Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:14 pm

You don't have to have the same views to be friends with someone. You have to care for them... if you can't support HER decision (at the end of the day, no matter what anybody says, it is her decision), then quite frankly, you are not her friend. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I think that this topic should be about friendship, not whatever your feelings are on abortion. It may be insensitive for her to come to you knowing that you are ttc with no luck, but she came to you for a reason... and you need to figure out whether or not you can handle it or not.

I also don't think you should bombard her with advice or share stories of woe from other women unless she says "what do YOU think i should do". Hold her hand, listen to her, take care of her, take her wherever she needs to go... that is friendship.

just my opinion, of course
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Postby angel~eyes » Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:10 pm

First of all, let me just say that I've been reading this thread - debating on whether or not to respond.. but I feel that I need to speak my 2 cents.

SMURPHY~ I feel that you are a good friend b/c you are so upset over this matter. Just b/c you don't support her doesn't mean you aren't her "true" friend. If I was in your shoes I would feel the same way. Honestly, I wouldn't feel horrible for having those angry feelings - I would know it's completely normal. My God, you are TTC and deal with heartbreak month after month and she is aborting her child. You have every right to be upset, angry, sad, etc! In this situation it is okay to take a step back, take a break from this friendship for a little while. It doesn't mean you aren't her friend in the least! You are respecting her and her decision, you just can't support her in it! That is a TRUE friend. Be honest with her and tell her why you are feeling/acting the way you are and months down the road when this has passed, you can pick back up with your friendship. Life experiences can change you and your friendship - but that's okay because thats life.

I have friends that are still not married, still doing drugs, still carefree. I do not agree with it at all - but I am still their friend. I know that we are in different chapters of our lives but I know that at some point - we will reconnect and I want to still have that friendship.

At the end of the day, it is your decision on how you handle it. If you want to support her - great. If you want to step back and let her handle this without you - great. If you can't be her friend anymore - that's fine too! You are human and so please, don't feel bad for the way you are feeling!!
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