deserve it? (abortion mentioned)

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deserve it? (abortion mentioned)

Postby supercool » Wed Aug 22, 2012 10:44 am

To start with, I am not looking to be judged. If you feel the need to judge me or make mean comments, please move on to another thread. This is hard enough without anyone adding to it..

I'll be 35 next week and am 3 months married. We are very anxious to add a baby to our family. I get really nervous, though, because I know I'm getting older (I'm a worrier, anyway).

Here's the thing: I was wild. I got pregnant very young and we married. 6.5 months later our son dies of SIDS and the both of us, including our marriage, fell apart. I did what any moron would do - I self-medicated. Soooo much easier than facing your problems and grief, right?

Years ago I made so many mistakes and lived a life I'm not proud of. All my mistakes and experiences of course contributed to who I am today so in a way I'm grateful for my time in idiot land. Long story short, the party led to unwanted pregnancy. I do not believe anyone should have to have a baby if they don't want to, for whatever reason. My reasons were drugs, alcohol, finances and a fear of history repeating itself. I knew I couldn't care for a child - I could hardly take care of myself. Plus, I was so busy partying I was really afraid a baby would come out irreparably damaged due to my life choices. I also was not at all emotionally prepared to have a baby, fall in love with it, then have it ripped away from me again. So, I terminated the pregnancy. And, it wasn't just once. That's the worst part. Most people can forgive one - but more than that and you're a terrible person, right?

Now I'm afraid that due to my past choices I'll have difficulty conceiving. Or that the universe will decide I just don't deserve to have a baby since I clearly didn't appreciate it in my past. Or that my first died because I was an awful mother and there's no way I could have the life of my dreams.

I want this so desperately that it's hard for me to talk about with anyone. I don't even want to think about anything that could be considered a pregnancy symptom as maybe it's just my mind playing tricks on me and seeing what I want to see. When you want something so bad, everything starts to look like a symptom or indicator.

Anyway, I have had these things on my mind for a long time. I really needed to get it out and I figured this is as good a place as any. Maybe someone could relate or whatever. Either way, my two week wait is down to 6 more days and I can hardly stand it.
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Postby rcpmelissa » Wed Aug 22, 2012 12:56 pm

Wow, I'm so sorry for all your losses, regardless of the reason. I know the desire to add a child to your family is strong and valid regardless of your past. We've all done things we aren't proud of. I don't know where you stand religiously but I believe God doesn't punish you for past choices once you have moved on. I don't know if, medically speaking, your past will make it hard to conceive this time around but I do know that it takes awhile for a young, perfectly healthy, actively trying gal to get pregnant so try not to focus on the possible issues as the cause for it taking awhile. Stress and worry can also hinder the process so I would strongly encourage you to not focus all your energy on it and try and relax. Get a massage or a pedicure and find something to focus your time and energy on to get your mind off the wait. I think it's great that you have typed this out (as I can only imagine how hard that must be) and I hope that you have started the healing process so that you can be a fabulous mother to your next baby and enjoy every second of it. I know there will be some fear and worry with your history and that's normal, just know that the kind of mother you are doesn't dictate bad things happening like that. You will be a great mom.
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Postby Ravyndancer » Wed Aug 22, 2012 8:46 pm

I agree with the above poster... I don't think the universe or God punishes people for the mistakes they made in the past that they admit to and turn their lives around. I don't think it works that way.

As for possible difficulties TTC because of previous terminated pregnancies, perhaps you could talk to your doctor about that? Would an ultrasound of the uterus show anything that could cause difficulty?

Lots of women get pregnant in their 30's :) But sometimes, it just takes awhile. If half a year passes or a year passes and you're still not pregnant, you can get some basic fertility tests done.

From the story you shared... I think you are very brave, putting yourself out there. Because it's true, you never know what someone might say in response.

I am no professional therapist, but you sound like you carry blame and shame for what has happened to you in the past. Carrying around that kind of stress might make it trickier to conceive... have you thought about going to counseling? xoxo

I wish you the best and send baby dust your way. x
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Postby GrouseNinja » Thu Aug 23, 2012 10:25 am

I can't really relate with your situation since I have not gone through what you have. However, I am very sympathetic.

Women have many reasons for aborting; and it is their choice; and it is usually the right choice given their circumstances. No one should condemn you for doing the right thing at that time in your life. I celebrate your strength, courage and your ability to make that difficult choice.

I also celebrate your choice in trying again! This is an exciting time for you! I only hope the past does not shadow your current joy and wonder too much. Everyone deserves to find happiness and love. Perhaps talking to a therapist might help ensure you too feel you deserve happiness and love (as another poster mentioned).

I will send positive energy your way :D
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Postby TailKinker » Sun Aug 26, 2012 4:29 pm

I'll be praying for you. You deserve happiness. Don't doubt that, and keep trying.
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Postby bopsy » Wed Aug 29, 2012 8:15 am

I really feel for you, and if this gives you any hope...

A friend of mine, age 36, had 2 abortions in the past and is now almost full term.

As for me, I can relate to being scared about past lifestyle choices afecting your fertility. I spent most of my 20s and early 30s using recreational drugs every weekend, I smoked and was a binge drinker. Ive had 2 IUDs inserted and removed, poisoned my body with depo and was on IVF drugs last year whilst donating eggs (which failed).

I'm now with a man who wants children with me. I've wanted them for over 7 years, but never had the right man. Shamefully this is the reason I donated eggs - I yearned to replicate!

I'm convinced that I've really messed my fertility up beause of all this and am almost convinced that I will never conceive.

I'm trying to help myself with meditation and visualisation. Perhaps if you want it to happen and visualise it, then it will happen.

I know how it feels to be negative and guilty about the past. I hope it helps to know you're not alone.
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Postby finnsmum » Sun Sep 02, 2012 5:41 am

You're not a bad person. You're a very courageous person - someone who has opened up so honestly and endearingly. You have been through a horrendous time and if you believe in God and your faith is important to you, God will know, he will feel and he will recognise what you have been through and that you have taken responsbility for your decisions.

I'm sure one day you will be a wonderful mother, a deservedly wonderful mother.

Hugs xx
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Postby Vinn » Sun Sep 02, 2012 11:35 am

I agree with all the posts ....there's nothing new I can add ...all I wld say is take this time as an exciting phase of yr life ...a journey to unknown yet believe that if u had a baby once ..u'll have again . By reading yr post if we can feel that yr guilty enough of yr past ..then be assured GOD knows it well n he defenately forgives his fellows who knows what they did ! Yr suffered enough ...don't suffer anymore ..make yr self happy and keep trying All of us ..I always say I m giving up after a few months of failed trial ,but never actually give up ...I think that what we are ....never giving up on our hopes !
<div>Me 34DH 40DS 5. YrsTTC #2 From oct 2011M/c May 2012TTC again from Aug 2013</div>
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Re: deserve it? (abortion mentioned)

Postby ANA-11 » Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:39 am

Hi ...I believe you made the best choices given that phase of your life...

U are very brave for putting your story out there However you haven't forgiven yourself your past .And you Need to do that for a healthier future

AS for the Universe its designed to give and bring prosperity and growth in your life when ever there is a need for a change.....

lots of sticky baby dust to you
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