Two Week Wait

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Does anyone else hate TTC

Tue Feb 19, 2013 1:03 pm

I don’t know about many of you ladies, but I am starting to despise TTC with my very soul.
About me:
33 and TTC for two years (the past year has been more aggressive). Diagnosed last year with PCOS and wasn’t ovulating for 4 months straight. Jan 2012 I took my first round of Clomid and got a BFP 14 DPO! I was so excited and so was DH. I went to the Dr. at his insistence (since I had taken Clomid) at 6w0d and he did an ultrasound to find an empty uterus. Two draws of HCG confirmed I was losing the pregnancy. We suffered the m/c at 6w4d at the end of March 2012 and I was pretty destroyed about it for the following 3 months.
In July we decided to try again and after two more rounds of Clomid, BFP in September 2012! Hooray!! I felt so positive about it and did the usual envisioning the baby and dreaming about all the good times ahead. In October 2012 I went on a business trip out of state and started bleeding when the plane landed. I freaked and went to the ER and had an u/s at 6w0d (not kidding) to find ANOTHER empty uterus. HCG was drawn and came back at 500 (pretty low for 6 weeks). They also saw something “funny” in the right fallopian tube. They suspected ectopic but wanted another HCG draw two days later. I was not allowed to fly home, and was stranded out of state alone to await the inevitable in a hotel room (did I mention alone?). I go back to the ER two days later and HCG had dropped to 234, and u/s revealed the continued presence of a clump in my fallopian tube. I was given MTX and sent on my merry way.
Now it’s February and I am in my two week wait after my fourth ever round of Clomid. I feel like I have a good shot since I am 2/3 up to this point. But Clomid makes me feel really bad (so that is not helping things) and the only way to describe how I feel right now is bitter and angry. Every time I turn around some 16 year old or crack head is getting pregnant. I would be a good mom, and my children would have a loving and stable home to grow up in. What the heck??
Another thing that bothers me is that I feel like I have no one to talk to. DH is so sick of hearing me talk about this (and so am I) but I CANNOT stop. I am like a blind, huge immovable freight train barreling on a path to nowhere. I have this really close knit group of friends (three other girls) and we are extremely close. We are all in the basic same phase of life and TTC together. One of them got BFP around the same time I had second BFP and she is currently due in May (and I am really happy and excited for her). The other two only started trying maybe a few months ago. They are all well aware of what has happened to me on this bogus journey. So me and the other two have been really bonding and sharing our stories and fertility feelings and it has been really great. A few weeks ago we were at a party and we named ourselves the “fertility misfits” and it really helped lighten the mood as I was about to take Clomid again for the first time since my ectopic. It was really nice to share the camaraderie. Then a few days ago, one of the two other “misfits” announced that she is 10 weeks pregnant at her birthday party. She explained she has been drinking root beer out of beer bottles and fooling everyone so that she could announce her pregnancy then and there. Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy for her, I love her and I respect her decision to anounce her pregnancy in whatever way she wants. But I feel so incredibly betrayed at the same time. She wasn’t a "misfit" and knew she was pregnant when she called herself that! It makes me feel like she makes light of what it means to be in my shoes. I know that was not her intention because she is a really nice person… but I can’t even look at her without feeling hurt right now.
Anyways… just had to vent. Thanks for listening my internet fertility misfits… XOXO Crossing my fingers for a BFP next week!!

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Wed Feb 27, 2013 8:15 am

Wow, so sorry for what you have been going through. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hope you get your bfp and it sticks.

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Wed Feb 27, 2013 11:06 am

I would have been hurt by what your friend did too. We can be your online "misfits"...I am definitely feeling like a misfit.

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Thu Feb 28, 2013 3:26 am

I had a number of people getting pregnant around me when we were ttc our first. We tried for five years before I got pregnant. During that time I found out just how insensitive even the nicest people can be. My sister even complained about how annoying being pregnant was, knowing that we were having fertility problems.

Now we are back ttc again. The good thing is I will never feel the need to go on birth control again. No accidental pregnancies here.

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Fri Mar 01, 2013 11:08 am

Thanks my internet misfits! I am at the end of my wait. I don't feel pregnant like I did for the last two, but cannot bring myself to test and confirm BFN. Last time for both BFP I had boobs of fire and the symptoms were unmistakeable. Right now I just have cramps and I feel like AF is headed my way. I kind of expected her yesterday but she did not come. I am going to test tomorrow morning if she doesn't come by tonight. I do feel a little better than from my previous post, but I am dreading the next round of Clomid. Seems like everytime I take it the symptoms are a little bit worse than the last. I shouldn't complain because I am pretty encouraged that I have demonstrated the ability to get pregnant... just need one to stick. Do a fertility dance for me!

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Fri Mar 01, 2013 2:22 pm

I completely understand! I am so sorry for your losses and how long it has been taking. I have been on the road to parenthood for over 5 years and still have no little ones to raise. At exactly 5 years of TTC I finally got my first ever BFP (Sept. 2012) I carried my little boy for 16 weeks until I contracted an infection and my water broke. My little boy went to Heaven Nov. 26 2012 and here I am starting all over again. I know how frustrating it is and it is so hard to just keep enthusiastically going at it hoping for a miracle. Watching everyone else pretend to understand or say it took them months so they know what it is like, is so upsetting. I have done the clomid thing too and know those side effects can be a b***h. Hang in there though and remember that when you are finally holding your precious baby it will have all been worth it.

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Tue Mar 05, 2013 7:37 pm

Oh for sure TTC (unsuccessfully) sucks. The worst is that it is such a long process, full of hope and analyzing every symptom an then the crushing moment when AF comes. It is so isolating, even close friends sympathize, but don't really understand how it takes over your life. And those hurtful comments (even when well intentioned) just cut to the bone. No one loves making love on a schedule, giving yourself shots and my personal favorite, progesterone suppositories-blech! In the end though, we all know it will be worth it when we finally hold a baby that is ours in our arms, or in the worst case scenario we are able to move on, someday if necessary knowing we did everything we could to make it happen.

Re: Does anyone else hate TTC

Thu Mar 07, 2013 3:33 am

Wow. Reading your stories has given me a much needed kick in the a'rse. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. We are onto 6 months of TTC our second child so I feel guilty even posting here at all. I do however understand that feeling of frustration and jealousy. Right now I can't stand to be around pregnant women including close friends. Birth announcements get me teary in a bad way and I hate feeling and thinking like this. My heart is with you ladies on your journey.
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