Very upset today.

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Very upset today.

Postby mae_feliz » Sun Jan 11, 2015 11:35 am

All I want is to be pregnant. I don't need people telling me not to worry, to put my mind on something else, to go away on the weekends, to let it happen on its own time. I don't need that. I also don't need people to patiently avoid the subject on: "any news yet?" All I want is to finally be pregnant. I want to be pregnant and have a tiny little baby growing inside my belly. I want to expirience the joy of growing life. I've had it with hoping for the late bloomers bfp. "Plenty of couples take longer than the average 6 months." My @ss.

I'm not mad. I'm just like ANY OTHER WOMAN that started ttc with her hub in the purest and most innocent of hopes for a bfp within a couple of months. Nobody tells HER to calm down. There is no need to, because she will never in her life have to deal with the despair of having yet another month with no growing baby inside her womb. It just happens to her and puff! pregnant she is! So, so many friend of mine get pregnant within the first couple of months ttc. When they tell me they are starting ttc, I can already do the math and predict the baby announcement. Its only natural! I feel so upset by still being just ME. It's always just me going to work, doing groceries, preparing dinner, taking a shower, just ME on the phone with my mom, having coffe with a friend, Looking into the bathroom mirror, attending a meeting at work,...It's always just me - with an empty womb.

Women surrounding me get pregnant so easily yet I am told to keep on trying. What else is there to do for an egg and a sperm than to join and merge into a baby. Really! What else could they possibly be doing in there. Simply, unspectacularily pregnant, with no fuss and no tears like any other woman ready for nesting. Why does it not happen for me.

We've been ttc for 10 cycles. I'm 5 dpo and already know its not going to work. I'm upset with my DH for no reason and I started checking for implantation bleeding again that will - yet another month - not arrive.
Why can't it be simple for me? Why do I have to read through hundreds of post where women tell of their magical bfp just right before the scheduled fertility treatment.

I know it's the hormones speaking right now. But they still count. They make me happy right before ovulation and they make me sad when no conception occured.

Just a few days ago I was in all high spirits because BD was scheduled perfectly on time, good BD, fun BD. Best of chances!! And then the days pass and the feeling starts creeping up again. My mood swings, the implantation bleeding doesn't show and at arround 10 dpo I will be starting to hope for NO bleeding to occure.

I'm just really upset right now. Sorry for the rant. But babydust just won't cut it for today.
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby Ndonalds » Sun Jan 11, 2015 8:49 pm

I just want to say....I get it, I get everything you are saying and have had those feelings too. Such an unexpected experience hey
TTC'ing #1 since Aug 2014
Me -32 DH-36
4 CP's (Oct,Nov,Jan,April)
Unexplained so far, all RPL tests done
On Synthroid for slightly elevated TSH and progesterone after O
BFP Oct 8th, 2015!!! EDD June 19-21, 2016
First try on Clomid 50mg worked despite ovulating on my own
IT'S A GIRL!
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby orangecat » Mon Jan 12, 2015 7:33 am

I get it too.
I know you don't want to hear this but 10 cycles isn't that long....especially once we hit our 30's.
It takes an average healthy couple a full year to get that BFP. (And my doctor told me those stats are based on a healthy 22 year old!)
Most of my friends have squeaked out 2 kids in the time I've been trying for #1.
Have you had any fertility testing done?
If you haven't chances are it is something simple that can be fixed.
Get your DH to go for a SA asap. Ask for day 3 and day 21 bloodwork to check your ovarian reserve and to see if you are O.
The hormones are very difficult to deal with and some months very cruel with their promising pregnancy symptoms.
But hang in there. Chances are your BFP is only a few short cycles away:)
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Me 37
DH 39
"Unexplained Infertility" diagnosis Feb 2014
IUI- planned for May 2014
Surprise BFP April 18/2014 while waiting for IUI!
Natural miscarriage April 29/2014 - 6 weeks
IUI #1 50mg Clomid and 24 mil sperm July 4/2014= BFN
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Aug= CANCELLED due to cyst and midcycle bleed
IUI #2 letrazole 2.5mg Oct 7/2014= BFN
2015 NOTHING
2016 New RE gives us hope
April 19/16 Ectopic Pregnancy while waiting to begin IUI again
Right tube removed
DH 3% Morphology
ME AMH 4.4PMOL (British scale)
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby marcieanne » Mon Jan 12, 2015 12:41 pm

Thank you, for so thoughtfully and succinctly putting into words how many of us feel.

I'm not going to tell you that it'll happen when you least expect it or that 10 months isn't that long. Because 10 months of torture and feeling like you're defective is plenty (I'm not saying that's how you feel, this is how I feel!). Im about to be on my tenth cycle. The high when you ovulate and the low that comes after. Constantly analyzing and stressing over every detail. Having all your 30-something friends conceiving at the drop of the hat.

All I'm saying is, I feel your pain, I'm sorry for your pain, and keep your chin up lady!!!

Marcie
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby mae_feliz » Thu Jan 15, 2015 12:27 pm

You guys, thank you so so much for your kind words!! I got back some of my sanity, knowing I'm not all alone in my heartache.

I wasn't always like that. Underneath all this pregnancy fixation, I'm a regular happy person! Not finding myself pregnant month after month has turned me into this obsessed and sobbing woman.
...
...
Sorry for late response. I've been having great difficulties to access my account. I tried every day,... didn't work :(
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby banana78 » Sun Jan 18, 2015 2:57 pm

I could have written this. People not realizing the pressure, asking if anything has happened, and then then the airy "don't stress. " I wouldn't discount it as "just hormones." I think the hormones just make us say what we've been thinking all month long, out loud.

I feel so frustrated when DF says he wants it as much as me, but then isn't on board with the BD schedule. It just makes me feel crazy. I think this makes us all a little crazy.

You're definitely not alone. Sigh. Misery loves company.
Me (Jo): 38 / DH: 42 in Toronto

TTC since 10.01.14 (with breaks) MFI
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby Paigeh27 » Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:02 am

This really hit home! I hate it when well meaning people say something horrible, and I know they wouldn't say that if they understood, that they don't mean to be mean, but it still hurts. And then there are people that may not mean well. I about killed my sister in law at thanksgiving. We had just had a miscarriage and she knew that and right in front of everyone she said, "well if these too would just hurry up and have kids..." Like we were delaying on purpose. I haven't really talked to my SIL since, even though she lives 8 blocks away.
Me- 33
DH- 34
Married May 2014
TTC since IUD was removed in August
BFP sept 27, lost our angel Robin Oct 16
BFP June 14, Chemical Pregnancy confirmed June 19
Starting an IF workup- US and thyroid normal, so far.
http://fertilityfriend.com/home/57a9d8
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby petchy » Thu Jan 22, 2015 4:59 am

banana78 wrote:I feel so frustrated when DF says he wants it as much as me, but then isn't on board with the BD schedule.


Yes, this! Yesterday I got a positive OPK for the second day in a row (never had that before), and even though we BDed on Tuesday, I kinda wanted us to try again yesterday too - just in case, since I took a break from temping this month and so couldn't say if I had O'd or not. But he "wasn't in the mood". Gah. I know I am being silly, but right now I feel convinced that my OH's sperm is of less than average quality and that OD wasn't yesterday like we thought, and that the sperm are all just laying there DEAD when the egg arrives - and then I get grumpy because he didn't feel like BDing again yesterday just in case, and therefore it is absolutely HIS fault if we don't get PG this month either, since he didn't want to have sex tree days in a row just for this short time period and HELLO! He MUST know we have to actually HAVE SEX to conceive, right?! Grmf.

Crazy hormonal b**ch rant over, I can totally see I'm being irrational ;)

But yes, dammit. I too want to be preggers NOW. Of course it doesn't help that other people are spewing out babies left right and centre at the moment. On the other hand, I don't know how long THEY've been TTC for of course. Trying to be patient, but totally sucking at it. And this is only cycle 6 for us, but 10 years ago I conceived my son on our first attempt so this feels like forever in comparison!
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby Chicagogurl » Thu Jan 22, 2015 10:33 am

Hey Mae_feliz! Don't think you are alone in this. If feels as if you have written exactly what goes on in my head so you definitely are not alone! Everyone in my family have been able to conceive #1 within two months and I have a constant feeling that there is something wrong with me. The first three weeks are completely normal for me but the last week before af is due, I cannot stop myself from getting disappointed. It's so frustrating I have stopped looking for symptoms also.

I have scheduled a fertility consult with my doc next week so that we can go ahead with the testing although she tells me it's too early . I told her I would rather know sooner than later if there's something wrong and now I'm nervous about what the test results are going to be too! It gets me more irritated when someone says calm down .. Oh Sc*** that
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby banana78 » Fri Jan 30, 2015 10:03 am

I'm SO SICK of hearing "stop trying."
Me (Jo): 38 / DH: 42 in Toronto

TTC since 10.01.14 (with breaks) MFI
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby hero7 » Fri Feb 20, 2015 12:23 pm

Ahh, just read this and totally agree, ladies! The "don't stress, let it happen" crap annoys me! Usually I hear it from people who got pregnant SUPER easily or weren't even trying. Um...hush people!

My cousin is in medical school - and during her ob/gyn rotation I was visiting with her - she was working with some super duper fertility specialist. Now granted, my cousin is NOT a fertility specialist - but she said she's seen so many miracles in just the few weeks she had that rotation. That if you are ovulating and your husband has even ONE sperm, it will happen! You might need medical help/interventions, but for the most part, MOST women can have babies.

I think it's important to be your own advocate and seek out that medical help before you get too desperate or angry. That only adds to the stress....and don't stress...ha, ok kidding on that last one..

Anyways, I hope you all get good news soon! Take care.
Me: 38
Hubby: 42

Married 11/2/2014
TTC #1


March 2015 - confirmed early MC/CP
May & June 2015 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
July 2015 - Testing done: AMH 0.72, FSH 10, DH SA #s are great, but lowish morphology
Aug 2015 - Follistim w/ timed - BFN
Oct 2015 - Follistim w/ IUI - BFN
Dec 2015 - New RE!! Updated labs - AMH is now 1.3! Started IVF meds 12/31, retrieval mid-Jan
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby kez71 » Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:50 pm

Sorry you have to feel this way. Ive been there. It took us 7 long years to get our baby girl. . Just know that the journey you are on now, while it can be very difficult, painful and frustrating, is all worth it once you see your baby. My only advice to you is to stick it out and persist persist persist. Do your research, use supplements, get on a health kick. about 5 Years ago I joined a group on here 37+ and TTC#1. it took some of us until our 40's, but we all made it through. Most of us with IVF or clomid and one had her bundle of magic via adoption. But don't give up! Hugs ladies, you will all be ok!
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Me(43!!) DF (47) TTC #1 since jan 06

M/C Dec 08 7 weeks
Lap/hyst/dye work Aug11th 2010- Blocked tubes
First IVF Oct-Dec 2010 BFN- chemical :(
IVF#2 April/May 2011 BFN :(
FET #1 July 2011BFP!!! MC 10w3d
FET#2 Feb 2012 BFP!!! MC 8 weeks
IVF#3 July 2012 BFP Baby Girl born April 2013
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby justbreath » Fri Mar 20, 2015 6:39 am

I completely relate to you! In fact your post is what conviced me to join this morning. I'm so beyond frustrated at all of the same things. I'm angry my husband doesn't get it, my friends don't get, i have no one who does and i can talk to. They all say be patient dnr give it time! My mom has ahlzeimers, so i don't have time! With more time. .. she fades away. My dad passed several years ago. this is so much harder than i imagined. I've completely changed my diet, stopped drinking, track everything i can be. .. and still no luck! My husband doesn't seem to get it. He thinks it's ok if he's not in the mood during my very small fertile window. sex has become pressure and I'm not interested if it's not an optimal time to get pregnant. My hormones are off the charts. Excited and happy before ovulation and angry and depressed after. I'll be 34 in a month or so and just keep thinking everyone tells me 35 is high risk!
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Re: Very upset today.

Postby starMint » Fri Mar 20, 2015 3:44 pm

Hi Justbreath! you are not alone in this experience. I have had to stop tracking some months because the pressure got too much for me to see that I O'd but my DH wasn't in the mood b/c of work/travel or other stresser. My DH is finally on-board and understands the timing thing better so we have found ways to help be "in the mood". I'm not allowed to pressure him (like tell him multiple times that day that we need to BD ;)) and sometimes we have to stop and get back to it, but I know he is trying too so I don't get as upset.
Me: 38 DH:46
TTC#1 since August 2012
IVF#2 - 19 eggs retrieved(12/8/16) (11 mature) 10 fertilized, 0 blasts
7 units hGH x 43 days (from 10/24 until trigger), 150iu Follistim and 150iu Menopur x 13 days (with last three days the Menopur dropped to 75iu and last four days with 250iu Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger
IVF#1 26 eggs retrieved (9/16/16), 14 fertilized, 0 blasts
225iu Follistim/Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur x 13 days (with last two days the Follistim dropped to 150iu and last four days with Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger + 2mg Estradiol until retrieval, methyl prednisolone and doxycycline following retrieval


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Re: Very upset today.

Postby janeym » Sat Mar 21, 2015 5:37 am

I completely understand your frustration. Im 34, Hubby and I have been trying for 9m with no success and my period came today. To be honest it was a relief when it came because it was late, I'd had 2 negative pregnancy tests and my mood was in the horrors... Both with pmt and frustration with the tests.
2 days ago I booked in with an ivf specialist for next month. Same day my best friend tells me she's pregnant (and they barely have sex!). Today I joined another friend with her baby and listened to the list of all our other friends who are pregnant.
To add to it I'm a GP and work in an area with lots of young families. Every day I see ladies coming to me delighted that they are pregnant. I am genuinely happy for them, I just wish it were contagious and I'd be able to do what they can do too. This really is getting my mood down and I'm feeling like a failure. :-(
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