Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

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Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

Postby LunaWop » Wed Mar 18, 2015 4:24 am

Ok...I feel like am a terribly bad person now, but I can't cope with it anymore.

It was bad enough 3 weeks ago, when my boss (and close friend) gave me the news...they are pregnant with their second, just 12 months after giving birth to their first child. I did all the right things, congratulations and smiles. Then went off for my lunch break, hid in a corner and cried my eyes off.

It's been bad enough for these last two weeks, while she has kept moaning about the pregnancy being "too early...sooner than we would have liked" (FFS! I've been dreaming two lines for months, and you complain because it happened too easily for you???), because "the bump is starting to show" (the bump I dream of for all the tww, month after month),...

And now I just received an email by another friend, telling me that...yes...you guessed it, haven't you...another pregnancy, another bump, another round of having to smile and show how happy I am.

Of course, the worst thing is that I know I should be happy for them. And I feel such a terrible person at feeling tears swell in my eyes instead of being happy that they, at least, have had good news...I want to go home and cry myself to sleep...Can't do it, of course, though...

Again, apologies for this...I needed to get it out of the system, or else I would have ended up in tears right here at my desk... :( :( :( :(
Me: 35
DH: 34
TTC#1 since October 2014


July 2015 - Approved for IVF/ICSI on NHS (Male Factor)
September 2015 - Initial Consultation at CRGH
October 2015 - Waiting for AF to start treatment
20 October 2015 - AF 6 days late, BFP at 18dpo (not tested before, wan't expecting this)!!!! - Over the moon!!!

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Re: Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

Postby desparatelytrying » Wed Mar 18, 2015 9:43 am

I completely understand. I have been ttc for 2 years (I'm 32 now and my husband is 35). I never thought it would take this long as I've always been completely healthy with a textbook cycle. What really makes it difficult for me is that I have 4 sisters and they all have multiple kids. So of course I constantly get questions like "when are you going to have kids." It seriously pisses me off because people do not understand how insensitive that question is. Seriously, can there be any other reason why two healthy 30-something-year-olds who have very successful careers do not have kids besides not wanting them? I really want to choke people when they ask me why we don't have kids! I've had 2 miscarriages over the last two years -- one around the same time that my younger sister announced she was pregnant (again). I was happy for her of course, but I was also very jealous as I could only think that I should be pregnant too now if it wasn't for my stupid body miscarrying (twice). I find myself crying every month when my period comes. At this point, I even have thoughts of suicide because I feel like it will never happen. I feel that if I don't/can't have children then I really have no reason to live. I know it sounds extreme, and I would never commit suicide. But this is truly how I feel. Furthermore, I find myself becoming an angry person over the last couple of months. I hate seeing pregnant women and I hate people who talk about their children and post pictures on Facebook and Instagram. A friend of mine posted last week on Facebook that she was pregnant with triplets. I just thought to myself: "great, she's pregnant with three and I can"t have one." I really feel like God hates me. This is really the saddest most difficult ordeal that I have ever had to go through in my life, and the what makes it worst is that after trying unsuccessfully for so long, I'm beginning to really think it will never happen. My dreams of being a mother no longer seem possible. I just do not see it anymore.
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Re: Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

Postby moblina » Fri Mar 20, 2015 4:48 am

Girl don't feel bad, my best friend had a baby the same week that I found out I was pregnant. I was suppose to go visit her later in the week to meet the little guy... but then I had a miscarriage. It's been over a month and I still haven't been to visit her new baby. At least you're just being jealous on the inside... I am actually being a brat!!

I have another friend who got pregnant the exact same cycle as I did... and she KNOWS about the miscarriage... and all she does is complain about how awful pregnancy is.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way!
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Re: Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

Postby LunaWop » Fri Mar 20, 2015 5:49 am

Thank you, desperatelytrying and moblina...both for the kind words and for not judging me...I just think I am disappointed at myself: always considered myself a kind and generous person, so was completely unprepared for these bouts of jealousy and spite :(

desperatelytrying: I am really sorry for your losses, and that life is being so difficult for you...Have you had any diagnosis to explain your difficulties conceiving? I know I am still quite new to this journey, and considering how difficult I am finding it already I honestly admire you and the others who have the strength to keep going. I am sending you all of my positive thoughts.

moblina: I am so sorry for your loss...and can't believe your pregnant friend knows about the mc but still complains! At least I haven't told my friend that we are ttc so I know she can't know how much it hurts...

Hugs to you both!
Me: 35
DH: 34
TTC#1 since October 2014


July 2015 - Approved for IVF/ICSI on NHS (Male Factor)
September 2015 - Initial Consultation at CRGH
October 2015 - Waiting for AF to start treatment
20 October 2015 - AF 6 days late, BFP at 18dpo (not tested before, wan't expecting this)!!!! - Over the moon!!!

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Re: Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

Postby justbreath » Fri Mar 20, 2015 6:22 am

thank you for sharing! It's comforting to know others are feeling the same... whether it's hormones, irrational or completely normal. I never realized how stressful and consuming it would become. After only 4 months of trying, I'm already getting stressed and angry. I'm irritable with my husband and its not really his fault. I'm angry when we don't use every moment available during my fertile window and he's not in the mood or preoccupied! Doesn't he get it. .. it's a very small window Of time! It adds to my stress that my mom has ahlzeimers and i don't know if she will even be around or how she will be. I feel like i need to get pregnant quickly so she can meet her grandbaby and maybe understand who he\she is. My only sister was unable to have children and adopted. So in the back of my head, i can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm so sick of people telling me it will happen, give it time, don't stress, Etc. I'll be 34 in a couple months and i just don't know how to stop stresting and worrying. I've had several friends get pregnant so easily and it makes me angry too. My heart goes out to you who've been trying for years. I'm stressed already and of course i get mad at myself because stress isn't good and I'm sure doesn't help either. I'm tracking everything i can be. ..ugh!!! I ran across this site this morning. Thank you everyone for sharing your story and I hope all of us feel a little better after the support from others who won't judge. .. won't tell us to give it time. .. and just get it.
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Re: Sorry in advance...just need to rant...

Postby Mapples777 » Fri Mar 20, 2015 12:19 pm

Ok I'll rant too. Because this really makes me feel awful but I don't know who else I can say it too...
My DH has a wonderful son who will be 2 in May. I love him as if he were my own. I am, however, angry/jealous/confused with how he came into this world!! His mother, DH's ex, was dishonest about her use of bc and got pregnant 3 weeks into them dating (she found out at her 3 week mark, so they were only together for 6 weeks!)
They are both wonderful parents to their son, they coparent well and she and I get along surprisingly well. To be honest, I really couldn't ask for a better situation if one HAD to be in a situation like this. My anger however, has been getting increasingly worse with every cycle we don't conceive. I was pregnant dec-jan and had a mc the 17th. We've been going through a stressful time lately and all his ex can say is "imagine if you were pregnant." "Thank GOD you're not pregnant." "I had to do this when I was pregnant". Ok, I should add that she's not the brightest person and amongst other more prominent characteristics, there's a good reason why they broke up so early in their son's life. BUT...I would be so grateful to be pregnant right now!!! I actually felt so much more calm and less stressed when I WAS pregnant--almost like a defense mechanism. Now, because I'm so impatient and frustrated, I have no fuse most days and I, too, am finding myself so jealous and angry at those women who look at their man and get pregnant.
So no, you're not alone. I hate to even admit any of this but it's just the truth. I get mad (internally) at DH some days to think that he "wasted" such s precious gift and time with someone so undeserving, but of course I don't actually think his son is a waste. I hope that makes sense...but it's so crazy how this situation can turn women who are usually compassion and caring into jealous and angry people.
The only thing I can say is stay strong and hopeful...what I've said previously, for all these poor ladies who read my rants, the woman's body truly is an extraordinary creation. We will all get our rainbow babies :) xo
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