Torturing myself

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Torturing myself

Postby KristenV » Thu Apr 02, 2015 12:59 pm

I always imagined having a baby to be so wonderful & magical...but no one told me about the agony & self-torture of TTC. The calculating, checking cervical mucous, sexual positions, etc really take the fun out of conception. And the fact that early signs of pregnancy are also symptoms of 85 other conditions is maddening! Im a RN & I have rational conversations with women all the time about TTC stress but yet I cannot seem to have that convo with myself. It seems like the fastest way to conceive is to not try at all which is just insulting. Im 31 & am so worried I am "too old" or that it just wont happen. How can I merge my logical mind with my emotions & how can I pass the time & distract myself between ovulation & menstration? Im reading into every little thing I feel & am dying to take a pregnancy test but Im not due to start my period for another 6 days, & the best part is, my period is regularly late every month. This time last month, I was already about 8 pregnancy tests deep & every negative result was such a let down! Im new to this so Im not 100% on the abbreviations, except for "TTC" lol, but please help!
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby hero7 » Thu Apr 02, 2015 2:46 pm

Hi Kristen!

Sorry you're having a stressful time - I know the feeling! I've been TTC for 6 cycles now...I had a particularly bad month 3 cycles ago and was going crazy with every single flurry/cramp/twinge felt throughout my body. I thought FOR SURE we had done it that month. Uh...no instead AF (aunt flow/period!) was 3 days late, and I am usually pretty regular.

Since that month I have reallllllly tried to pay a lot less attention to my body during the Two Week Wait (TWW)...last month we did conceive but I ended up with a chemical pregnancy (it was really too early to test and the egg was not viable) but I had major nausea so was curious if I was having early morning sickness and tested anyways. It turns out I had a nasty stomach virus.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone...it's hard. It is really hard! I agree it's so frustrating when people who aren't trying or didn't want to get pregnant just magically seem to have babies. Totally bizarre how the world works!!

I would NOT even begin to think you are TOO OLD! Gosh no! I am older than you and know LOTS of people my age or older who are having babies (ahem..yeah...of course, right?!?!)

The TWW can be especially torturous and I really don't have a good way to get through it besides just staying busy and trying to focus on taking care of my body through eating well (I say that with an empty pint of ben n jerry's sitting next to me), exercise, water, vitamins, rest, being around people you love...

I also know (from experience with the chemical pregnancy) and from others that waiting until AF is late is best...you probably know that too from nursing...so if it's at all possible to wait, try to...but so many just feel better if they test and get some answer...even if it's not the one they wanted.

I guess I'm rambling now--so I'll stop, but hang in there girl!

How are you tracking your cycles? And how many months have you been trying? hugs!
Me: 38
Hubby: 42

Married 11/2/2014
TTC #1


March 2015 - confirmed early MC/CP
May & June 2015 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
July 2015 - Testing done: AMH 0.72, FSH 10, DH SA #s are great, but lowish morphology
Aug 2015 - Follistim w/ timed - BFN
Oct 2015 - Follistim w/ IUI - BFN
Dec 2015 - New RE!! Updated labs - AMH is now 1.3! Started IVF meds 12/31, retrieval mid-Jan
hero7
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby KristenV » Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:53 pm

Thank you so much for your response...it really helps! I try to talk to my bestfriend about this stuff, but she got pregnant with my beautiful god-daughter "accidentally" & asks me constantly, after her 8 mo old does something adorably naughty, "are you sure you want a baby?"...I stopped venting to her for her own safety lol!!
This is my third month TTC & I have been using an ovulation tracker app that allows you to enter your specific cycle length. This month, I paid more attention to cervical mucous viscosity &, are you ready for this one, moonstones! I have a large piece of moonstone I wear on a necklace as this is an old Pagan "fertility charge". If you know of any special methods or tips for more precise calculation, lay it on me!
Im so sorry about your chemical pregnancy experience...that has to feel like insult to injury. Last month, I began spotting about a week before AF was due & I was sure it was implantation bleeding! That Monday, I spoke with the doctor I work with & realized it was ovulation bleeding. It was like having a winning lottery ticket but finding out it was fake. I know I dont know you, but you are going to make a wonderful Mommy...your compassion, empathy & kindness are characteristics of an amazing Mommy!
Thank you again...you have really made my night! Xoxo
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby hero7 » Fri Apr 03, 2015 11:33 am

Hey Kristen,

I just realized I replied to another thread of yours on the other board...so hi again!

You are very sweet...I know what you mean about people saying stuff about having/not having kids.. A girl I know complains on facebook about her son waking up at 5am or his tantrums. I'm just thinking, I'd LOVE for a baby to keep me up all night! (I know, probably not in reality but...)

As for your cycle tracking, have you considered using ovulation tests? I use cheap ones from amazon.com starting on cycle day 10 and do 2x a day, sometimes 3x depending on my schedule/cycle day. That really helped me pinpoint when ovulation was about to happen. When you get a positive test result, it indicates an egg should be released within 12-48 hours I believe.

It's good because it helps us narrow down that days we have sex (on this board they call it baby dance or BD!) and I feel like gives me a little control over this TTC thing! If I were just guessing on ovulation I might never get it right! It's also good because some women ovulate very early or very late and assumed it's on day 12 or whatever....and if it's actually day 10, well you missed the egg sister!

Anyways, that and taking your temperature first thing in the morning is another method to track your cycle. I did that one month, and my temps were "by the book" and I felt like it was too stressful so I stopped and just use the OPKs (ovulation predictor kit/test). Let me know if you have any questions or need more info on any of this....I'm not a clinician or an expert but I've certainly learned a lot from this board over the last few months!

It's interesting to me that your doctor friend would indicate the spotting a week before your period would be ovulation bleeding...I am not sure how long your cycles are but usually you get your period a couple weeks after ovulation...or so I thought! But again, I'm not a doctor!!! :)
Me: 38
Hubby: 42

Married 11/2/2014
TTC #1


March 2015 - confirmed early MC/CP
May & June 2015 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
July 2015 - Testing done: AMH 0.72, FSH 10, DH SA #s are great, but lowish morphology
Aug 2015 - Follistim w/ timed - BFN
Oct 2015 - Follistim w/ IUI - BFN
Dec 2015 - New RE!! Updated labs - AMH is now 1.3! Started IVF meds 12/31, retrieval mid-Jan
hero7
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby Sparkyip2012 » Sat Apr 04, 2015 12:16 am

Hi! I am totally 100% with you! I am driving myself crazy TTC!!!

Same here I am a completely rational person but I feel like a psychology lately because I cannot get a handle on my emotions and impatience!

I am 30 TTC #1 and been trying for 2 months and AF just came last night, 5 days early. I was smiling when it happened becaus I thought it must be implantation bleeding because it's too early for AF. Well this morning it's aggravatingly aware that it's the full AF. I cried to myself this morning after my DH went to work and then found this website. Please keep us updated and I hope we both get pregnant soon! At least for our sanity sake!!
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby starMint » Sat Apr 04, 2015 4:29 pm

Hi Kristen, hero, and sparky!
Wishing you all :babydustg:

The frustration and jealousy is normal. I have been trying for a numer of years for #1. I can say that I feel positive that it will happen for me and my DH (dear husband) at the right time. I just started temping(bbt=Basel body temperature) and picked a month where I can't consistently track it, but I'm excited to try this method. I have done two cycles of treatments with fertility dr (stimulating hormones through the cycle) with BFN results. It's frustrating to not be pregnant after spending $$$$$, but as I said above, I know it will happen when it is supposed to happen. Opks (ovulation predictor kits) are super helpful and I suggest you use them to help predict when you might ovulate. CM (cervical mucus) also helps identify days you could be fertile. BBT charting is used to confirm that you ovulated (rise in temperature due to progesterone.

One of the things that I like about this board is how many wonderful caring ladies there are on here.
Me: 38 DH:46
TTC#1 since August 2012
IVF#2 - 19 eggs retrieved(12/8/16) (11 mature) 10 fertilized, 0 blasts
7 units hGH x 43 days (from 10/24 until trigger), 150iu Follistim and 150iu Menopur x 13 days (with last three days the Menopur dropped to 75iu and last four days with 250iu Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger
IVF#1 26 eggs retrieved (9/16/16), 14 fertilized, 0 blasts
225iu Follistim/Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur x 13 days (with last two days the Follistim dropped to 150iu and last four days with Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger + 2mg Estradiol until retrieval, methyl prednisolone and doxycycline following retrieval


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Re: Torturing myself

Postby Ttcbb4 » Sun Apr 05, 2015 8:52 am

Hi ladies! Thought id chime in to say I understand the frustration. I'm 34, ttc #4, but I've struggled with general infertity. Maybe I can give you some hope! It took dh (dear husband) and I 4 years to conceive #1. We were in the process of adopting when we found out I was pregnant. For our 2nd and 3rd I seeked fertility help (clomid) and we conceived after 6 months each time. I had 2 mc's (miscarriages) along the way as well, I'm no stranger to the hope, loss, excitement and frustration roller coaster that is ttc.

And the sensitivity. I'm a teacher and when parents used to ask me if I had kids it was like a dagger to the heart! Wishing you all the best of luck on this journey!
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby starMint » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:50 am

Thanks Ttc!
Me: 38 DH:46
TTC#1 since August 2012
IVF#2 - 19 eggs retrieved(12/8/16) (11 mature) 10 fertilized, 0 blasts
7 units hGH x 43 days (from 10/24 until trigger), 150iu Follistim and 150iu Menopur x 13 days (with last three days the Menopur dropped to 75iu and last four days with 250iu Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger
IVF#1 26 eggs retrieved (9/16/16), 14 fertilized, 0 blasts
225iu Follistim/Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur x 13 days (with last two days the Follistim dropped to 150iu and last four days with Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger + 2mg Estradiol until retrieval, methyl prednisolone and doxycycline following retrieval


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My Ovulation Chart
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby EmX » Wed Apr 22, 2015 6:47 am

Hi Kristen, So glad I found this board today, I really needed it. I 100% understand how you feel. It actually feels really good to know other ladies are frustrated when only TTC for a few months. I have felt really down about all the negative tests too and when I tried to write on my blog I got some really hurtful comments about how since it has only been 4 cycles my feelings weren't valid. I am at the end of my 2WW (can test on Saturday) and cried in my car the whole way to work cuz I am convinced AF will show her ugly head any day now. Having support from other ladies in the same situation is a great way to stay sane I think.
Try to stay positive and keep us posted!!
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby starMint » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am

EmX - I think those first few months are probably some of the hardest to get through because of the expectation that it could be the month. I am sorry that you received negative comments - your feelings are valid and justified. What methods are you using to track?
Me: 38 DH:46
TTC#1 since August 2012
IVF#2 - 19 eggs retrieved(12/8/16) (11 mature) 10 fertilized, 0 blasts
7 units hGH x 43 days (from 10/24 until trigger), 150iu Follistim and 150iu Menopur x 13 days (with last three days the Menopur dropped to 75iu and last four days with 250iu Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger
IVF#1 26 eggs retrieved (9/16/16), 14 fertilized, 0 blasts
225iu Follistim/Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur x 13 days (with last two days the Follistim dropped to 150iu and last four days with Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger + 2mg Estradiol until retrieval, methyl prednisolone and doxycycline following retrieval


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My Ovulation Chart
starMint
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Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2015 6:30 pm

Re: Torturing myself

Postby EmX » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:19 am

StarMint- Thank you so much for your kind words. To track I have mainly just checked CM and used OPK. I got my very first +OPK this month so that was exciting, and we made sure to BD (Am I the only one who thought this acronym was Bumpin Dirtys, not Baby Dance?) 3 days before, 1 day before and 2 days after.
I would try temping however I am a bad sleeper and rarely sleep for more then 4 hours straight and I know that affects it.
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby manderthegrump » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:47 am

Hi. I am new to here also! I am 35 and have been TTC for two years but just really started tracking and being serious about it. I realized once I found this site, just how uninformed I am about the whole process. I have PCOS so I knew it would be hard but had no idea it would be this hard...especially the mental toll on me. I am glad to have found this site and this post because I have gotten lots of info!! especially with learning the acronyms
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby mylammie04 » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:56 am

Hi ladies! I'm new here as well and thought I'd introduce myself :) I totally hear you all on the frustrations of TTC. My DH and I have been TTC for almost a year and a half now and have gone through 2 MC's.

Manderthegrump - I was also diagnosed with PCOS too! I've been taking Metformin to help manage it and so far it's working.

I'm glad i found this thread -- it's great to find a community where we can share our joys and frustrations!
Me: 34
DH: 34
TTC #1 since 01/14
Dx PCOS: 09/14
1st MC: 08/01/14 :angel:
2nd MC: 04/14/15 :angel:
3rd MC: 07/17/17 :angel:

RAINBOW BABY
02/14/16 :babyb:

TTC #2
mylammie04
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby 33ttcno1 » Wed Apr 22, 2015 10:26 am

Hi everyone
I'm so glad you are having the same issues as myself. I've been feeling so alone in my struggles. My husband and I have been postponing to start ttc until recently for various reasons but mainly because he needed more time before starting a family. I've been totaly obsessed about everything from pre-pregnancy diet, being pregnant, birth, breastfeeding... for at least the last 2 years. And now that the time has come to start ttc I'm literally going crazy. I dont have any fertility problems that I know of and are able to feel when I ovulate. Our first month of trying was not pleasant at all and our relationship is still recovering from the strain. I shook so badly when I took my first pregnancy test and then it was a big disapoinment to see the "Not pregnant". All the best to you all.
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Re: Torturing myself

Postby starMint » Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:19 pm

EmX- CM and OPK tracking is great! the hard part is going to be scheduling the BD. Bumping Dirtys :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: It sounds like you hit some good dates on this cycle. They say the two days after the +OPK are good to BD and you hit one of those :) The temping could tell you for certain if you hit it right... of course it wont be that helpful if your temps look like mine :lol:

Mander - there are many ladies with PCOS here who have had success!! I'm sure you will find it too :)

Hi Mylammie - I'm sorry for your losses :hugs:

33ttcno1- the toll of ttc on the relationship can be brutal. My DH is wonderful and supportive but just doesn't want to hear about some of the TTC stuff. At first I took it horribly - like why am I the one that has to pay attention every day and track all this stuff and you can't even make sure we BD when I tell you we need to do it... It took a while for him to understand that there is a fertile window and it is important to make an effort. It also took a little bit of time for me to recognize that he was behaving and responding the way he was because the pressure to perform at a specific time was making it difficult for him to do so. I would repeat myself waiting for him to give me affirmation that he was going to be up for BDing and he would get edgy (which didn't make me feel like he knew we needed to get down... so I would keep asking...creating a bit of an annoying cycle). I've had to relax on my requests - but it helps that we've had a ton of conversations about it and since he really wants us to have a family and he's learned more because of going to fertility dr, I can trust that he is going to do what needs to be done if I just tell him once. We also decided that it was important to keep sex as something fun that we like to do together instead of just to do it to make a baby. That means that sometimes we just don't do it - unless of course it is a "must do" date like when I did my two stimulation cycles.
Me: 38 DH:46
TTC#1 since August 2012
IVF#2 - 19 eggs retrieved(12/8/16) (11 mature) 10 fertilized, 0 blasts
7 units hGH x 43 days (from 10/24 until trigger), 150iu Follistim and 150iu Menopur x 13 days (with last three days the Menopur dropped to 75iu and last four days with 250iu Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger
IVF#1 26 eggs retrieved (9/16/16), 14 fertilized, 0 blasts
225iu Follistim/Gonal-F and 75iu Menopur x 13 days (with last two days the Follistim dropped to 150iu and last four days with Ganirelix shots), 2000iu hcg and Luprene trigger + 2mg Estradiol until retrieval, methyl prednisolone and doxycycline following retrieval


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My Ovulation Chart
starMint
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