looking for some support

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looking for some support

Postby ttcfirstchild » Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:00 pm

Hi All,

I am new to this website and so happy to how found a place where I can talk to some others going through what I am. Most of my friends either have kids already or don't want any so that leaves me with no one to talk to about this ttc stress and waiting. I'm only on cycle 3 of ttc so I know it's early but as I was reading these message boards I found it really helped me manage the stress and put things into perspective. I'm would love to connect with you on what your going through as well so we can support each other. Here's a little about me:

I'm 29 and DH is 32. We knew we always wanted a family but wanted to wait till we were settled both financially and had a little time together as newlyweds. We've been married 5yrs this year and just started ttc. I've been off BC for 5yrs and have always had very regular cycles. The first cycle ttc was low stress at first as I was in the "we'll just see what happens" mindset and didn't start researching or stressing till the 2WW. That's when I started researching online and learned about the very short window we all have each month. In addition, to having all of these phantom early pregnancy symptoms that know told me about :oops: . 2nd cycle was also lower stress as I have to travel for my job frequently and knew we would be unable to BD during my fertile days. However, when I was 3 days late I started to get excited (as I usually never am late) and was quickly disappointed a day or two later. I am now on my 3 cycle (I know this is very early compared to others, my heart goes out to you all) and I am dreading this 2WW and the possible many more to come. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way but it would be great to have someone else to talk to, vent, discuss this with.

:wink:
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same boat!

Postby mrskrisbg » Sun Jun 24, 2012 11:36 pm

Hello ttc!
I'm in the exact same boat as you! I am 31, DH 30...we just got married last year, but decided to actively start trying this month...although we have been NTNP for the last few months. No success yet but we are going on a late honeymoon in a few mos. so I am alright with BFN's until then, but wouldn't mind a BFP either...lol..

I'm in the 2WW right now...10 DPO and no symptoms except for those of AF, so I'm pretty sure I'm out this month...but it's nice to hear other people in the same situation as myself.

Best of luck for you to get your BFP very soon! I'm sure you will!

:D
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Postby MrsR » Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:42 am

Hello ttc and mrsk,

I thought I would tell you my story in case it helps. I was very similar to you guys in the beginning.

We had been married 4 and a bit years when we started TTC last August. I have regular cycles and I understood the fertile window, so I thought it would take us 3-4 months.

In month #3 I started charting my temp. In month #4 I started using OPKs. When I got AF at the end of month #4, I lost my marbles. I turned 30 that month and thought it would all be happening already! What was wrong?!

We got lucky in month #6. But then I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, which was devastating.

We are finally pregnant again after 10 months TTC and I swing between feeling really positive, and being completely terrified. Trying to go for the former more than the latter :) And 10 months is still NOTHING compared with the ordeal that some have to endure.

What made it hard was that I was surrounded by people who were getting their BFP after 1 month of TTC! I was so angry about that. Why us? But as time wore on, I discovered just how many people around me also took a LOT longer to get their BFP, and some had gone through a lot of fertility treatments etc to get there. You feel a special bond with people like that.

As one person (who took 12 months to conceive) told me, "It's a long road." The only advice I would offer to another couple going through a long TTC is to look after each other. I felt like, through our sadness, I learned things about my DH that have made our marriage better than ever. Hopefully it will make us better parents.

Good luck to you both.
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Postby ttcfirstchild » Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:19 am

Thanks mrskrisbg and MrsR for responding. So glad to have others to talk to.

mrskrisbg: I'm trying to wait till at least 12DPO before I test. How about you? I find the weekdays are the hardest to wait out so I can't wait for the weekend to arrive. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could find out either way about this month as it usually takes me a day or so to get over the sadness and get pumped for trying the next month.

MrsR: Thank you so much for sharing you story. It definitively helps. I do have a question about how you and your DH handled the disappointment each month. My DH doesn't want to chat much at all about it as he still has this mentality that it should happen naturally very easy. In fact, I'm the one that had to explain to him that there is only a short window every month for me in terms of fertility. I think he wants to talk about it but doesn't want us to get too stressed about it. Any advice there? I haven't been temping on anything just observing my body's signs. My plan was to try OPKs after this month if we were unsuccessful, I think temping would be a little more stressful for me. Did you find either very helpful? Do you have any thoughts as you what helped you finally get your BFP?
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Postby MrsR » Wed Jun 27, 2012 1:10 am

I'm glad it helped to hear about my trials, you're most welcome.

In terms of DH, I guess, like us, they're all a bit different ;) I suppose some men get upset and feel "unmanly" if pregnancy takes a while. Others can appreciate the science involved. My DH, like yours, did just want to "relax and let it happen" but he knew that after about 3 months of TTC, I was never going to relax again. He didn't bring the topic up much with me, but he took instruction beautifully and performed on demand (!) and I'm thankful that he wasn't fussy about the circumstances of BDing - he knew I never wanted to be one of those "I'm ovulating, NOW!" type women, but he understood how we got there. He took a supplement that tasted a bit yuck, and he stopped cycling, and he perched his laptop on the arm of the couch instead of on his lap... I asked him if TTC was becoming upsetting for him, too - he didn't seem much perturbed by it although I knew how much he wanted a baby. He said that he didn't see any benefit in sharing how upset he was with me because I was already so distressed, it would be just more for me to worry about. Men, I guess.

In terms of OPKs - I would recommend those above temping. Temping is a lot of paranoia and apart from the rise after ovulation, I think it is a bit of a pseudoscience to go obsessing over every single day's temp. But of course I indulged myself in this for a while. You don't really have anything else. But OPKs - if you use those, you get a positive, which is your green light, and I think it is probably the most reliable sign that ovulation is drawing near.

The other thing I learned using OPKs was not to stop BD too early. Keep going for a few days after you think you've Oed. I think early on, maybe we were stopping the daily BD and if O was delayed for some reason... although sperm can live a few days, of course. Anyway we tried to BD daily from beginning of EWCM until 2-3 days after it had disappeared, and of course for at least 3 days after positive OPK. Most months I think we had our timing right. But it can take a lot of months, as I discovered.

We got both our BFPs after conceiving while on holidays, so I would recommend those!

In terms of handling the disappointment... I don't know. I didn't handle it very well most months. The two BFP months I had my lowest expectations of any. It was as though it happened both times when I had started to give up. I would recommend scheduling fun activities, putting aside some $ for retail therapy on the day AF is due (if possible), it did help me a bit. I also started to make sure I didn't have anything unpleasant to do around that time. Once I had to work the Saturday when AF was due on the Friday. So I arranged beforehand to take the Friday off to relax, instead of having to deal with another AF at work (not fun).

Sorry if longwinded, hope it helps. Fingers crossed for you both :)
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Feb 2012: complete m/c @ 7/40

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Postby Nicole0802 » Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:41 pm

I am also TTC #1. I'm 36 and my hubby is 38. However, he already has three children of which only one was "planned". So I feel like he thinks it's super easy to get pregnant while it is turning out for us not to be so easy.

We have been actively trying for about 6 months. Last month I started using OPK and AF showed two days early this month last Sunday. :(

He also wanted it to just happen when it happened. But I'm 36 and don't feel like that's really an option. Plus we have been together 8 years, it's not like we are doing the BD every time we look at each other anymore! ;-)

So, unfortunately it has turned in to a bit of a scheduled dance of which has not produced a pregnancy yet. Each month that goes by I get more sad and disappointed and start feeling like it's never going to happen. Then as ovulation approaches I start feeling like "Ok, this is the month". Just for it to happen all over again.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I also don't have anybody to share this stuff with as my friends either get pregnant looking at their man or don't want kids.
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Re: looking for some support

Postby MrsR » Thu Sep 20, 2012 11:27 pm

Nicole, this is your place to share and vent. I agree, you are still a young woman but in fertility terms you need to try actively, not just the occasional BD and "see what happens" like a 25 year old can afford to do! DHs are sometimes not the easiest people to talk to about this, because I think men often cope differently to us - they like "quiet time"! Sounds like you are doing everything right, but we know how tricky nature can be, even for healthy, fertile people. My 2 closest friends get pregnant every time they try, first month, so I need a group like this to help me remember that THEY are the freaks, not us!! Anyway I hope this is your month - I agree, I would feel hope and despair at those times too. You just have to do what you can to get through it, I guess. Man, did I get sick of well-meaning advice!
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Re: looking for some support

Postby Shibee » Tue Nov 13, 2012 4:18 pm

Hi All,

I am new to this forum, and the posts in this thread really helped me calm down...
Me and DH are both 32, and we have been together since over 7 years, married 2.5 years. We have been "letting nature do it's work" since Jan 2012: I was trying to aim BD at around mid-cycle, without charting. I started to chart my cycle 5 months ago, and using OPK only 3 months ago. So we have been seriously TTC since 3 months I'd say.
Long story short, because of my husband's travels and the fact that we get "lazy" (or as Nicole says we don't BD every time we look at each other anymore) DH and I decided to use OPK. I also wanted temp, but I feel temping is very stressful for me. I don't want to increase the obsession about TTC, it's already high enough. So, we only manage to squeeze BD once or twice per cycle.
My husband always uses his laptop on his lap, he loves the warmth of it. He also takes really warm shower: I told him that that was not a good thing if we TTC, but it seems that he doesn't believe me...
He believes that with prayer and nature we will get BFP, that 1 BD is enough for it... but I am not getting younger... also ALL my friends around me are getting pregnant, my best friend just announced me that she was 3 months... I finally decided to go see my ob/gyn and he said that we could do some test (only if I want to - I suppose he saw how stressed I was), so I am scheduled for tests next week... the doc also scheduled a semen test for him....
Now I am wondering if I am overreacting?
So sorry for rambling, don't have many friends living here with whom I can talk about this.... would love some advice/support!
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Re: looking for some support

Postby MrsR » Wed Nov 21, 2012 2:03 am

Shibee, I don't think you're overreacting and good on you for trying to stay calm and sensible. DH caught on pretty quickly with me that the path to his happiness was going to be getting us pregnant, and he pretty much just did as he was told by me as he likes peace and quiet. You got to get the doctor to tell him he has to keep his "boys" cool - laptop, OFF THE LAP! They don't even realise what they are doing to themselves. Good luck at the doctors! :)
Me: 31
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TTC #1 since August 2011
Feb 2012: complete m/c @ 7/40

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Re: looking for some support

Postby Shibee » Sun Nov 25, 2012 3:09 pm

Hi MrsR!
DH is making his efforts, and no laptop on the lap, so that's a good thing!
The doctor wanted me to do an endometrial biopsy, which scared me a lot! He didn't tell me why he wanted to give me a procedure which is quite intrusive (IMO) instead of an ultrasound...
I just wanted an ultrasound... I grew up in Switzerland and over there I'd get an ultrasound once a year at my check up...
and the gyno would show me the tubes and the ovaries, etc. And everything was always good...
After discussing with DH, we decided to wait this month (I am CD 29 today!) and see what happens. If AF arrives, I will temp this month, and buy digital OPK, and see what happens for a few months. We will also BD more - DH will have to travel less!
So let's see, CD 29 today, praying....
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