husband changed mind about TTC #1

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husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby french_mani » Tue Jun 17, 2014 7:51 pm

Hey all,
I have already posted about this with a small group I have been chatting with on the TTC in your 20's board, but I am wondering if this has happened to anyone else? I am sorry if this is a long or boring post to anyone but it has been bothering me for over a month now and I think just typing about it is very therapeutic for me.

On Thanksgiving we had decided to start TTC #1 and I went off my BCP. He seemed really excited and even started telling some of our close friends and a couple family members. He was asking friends at work who have kids what type of pre-natals I should be taking and were already picking out baby names. I was not crazy about telling a lot of people, but I couldn't stop him and we agreed to just not say anything more.

For a few months we seemed to be on the same page. Last month in May I thought I could be pregnant (which I pretty much convinced myself I was every month) and on Mother's Day I was a day late or so already for AF... That is the morning DH came in and told me he was up all night looking at our finances and we should move into a smaller and cheaper apartment, pay off all of our bills and not have a baby right now. It literally felt like my heart sank through my body. Here I thought what a great mother's day gift it would be to get a positive HPT and now my husband is completely backing out on me.
I thought this was just something that would blow off in a couple hours, days or a week and maybe he didn't really mean it...
I do agree that we could be more financially stable, but I know the truth is that if you wait until you think you are ready, you will never be ready. Something will always come up, it will never seem like the right time... all of these things I believe in.
We've talked about this a few times since then. I understand why he is scared and he wants to be selfish and enjoy "me" some more, enjoy things he wants to do first with his friends, with me and I get it. But what I cannot get over is that I went off BCP (something that was so scary for me), started taking pre-natal vitamins, started really getting ready to do this and he/ we even started telling people! and now after 5 almost 6 months, he just changed his mind. He still does not get why this is traumatizing to me. He keeps saying I am doing what's best for us and I have to tell you no, you are not used to me telling you no. He says he still does want to have kids with me, but just not right now.


There is so much more to this, its just every time I think I can get over it I realize it really bothers me. We didn't even have sex for over 3 weeks because he always said he wasn't in the mood or for other reasons. I just assumed it was because he really didn't want to have a baby.

So now I am on CD3 and yesterday I said well I need to make a decision whether I go back on BCPs and he said well I can't tell you to, but I think it's a good idea. I just don't know what to do because if I get pregnant, I don't want him to resent me forever because he's not ready.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I would have been totally OK with waiting IF we did not already decide we were really going to start trying.
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby Jmarie5890 » Sat Jun 21, 2014 11:44 am

I really would not worry too much about it. Maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed right now and the thought of adding a baby to the family right now is too much for him..if he is not 110% about having a baby, I would get back on the pill, I know that is not something you want to do (and I wouldnt either) but when you do get a BFP you want the both of you to be excited and ready!
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby french_mani » Fri Jun 27, 2014 7:32 pm

Thanks for at least answering. I guess I look like a crazy person because 315 people read my post and only one replied. Thank You.
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby mrs v » Sat Jun 28, 2014 10:39 pm

I don't think you are crazy at all. My dh & I have been trying for 8 months now, but we haven't told anyone (my sister now knows but that's just very recently and I was going crazy ;). Anyways.. Dh is the one that told me I should get off the pill and we should just try. A few months later he made a comment about if I didn't think a certain person is a good dad then I prob won't think he will be a good one. Of course I got defensive and said well if that's the case then maybe we should stop trying. I cried and cried. Later we talked it out. I'm not sure if it's nerves, fears, and insecurities that worked on us each month we didn't conceive or what. I wonder if I will be a horrible mother and tHats why I haven't conceived. If that were the case I don't want to have a baby.. Though I don't think I will be. I think you are right though, If you wait until you are "ready", you will never have a baby! I would try and ask him if he really thinks it would be bad if y'all conceived now or if any of this is just insecurities. I would understand him wanting to just try naturally and not start doing tests or anything if you don't conceive pretty quickly. I'm not sure any of this was of help but I don't think you are alone. I think a lot of us decide to ttc and it doesn't happen right away and we second think it.
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby mamabear1 » Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:48 am

Luv I'm sorry more people didn't reply - that happens to me too a lot on here !!

I can completely understand your upset and confusion as my husband and I have certainly had our share of being divided on this topic. We were not only not on the same page - we were in different books!!!

I know your dh is worried about finances, but I wonder if a mate or someone else has said something that hit a nerve with him? It's just you said he was so keen for this and was telling everyone and I just know blokes being blokes, someone might have had a smart comment to say (like "well say goodbye to your bank balance/relationship/time to yourself....." .......you know what I mean).

Perhaps you could agree to a timeframe? It will give you some time to address your finances. I think it's true that you can never be completely ready for children and at some point you've just got to take the leap. But finances are certainly a reality that you cannot sugarcoat. If your finances could do with a little improvement then now is the time to do it. This always seems to be a bigger concern for the guys than us gals.

My only advice from experience is keep talking about it and what plans you would like. Don't nag but don't let it fall off the agenda. I hope your wait for him to be back on board is not too long.
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby french_mani » Tue Jul 01, 2014 6:35 pm

Mrs. V- maybe it does have something to do with the fact that it didn't happen right away... so it's been 7 months now. (i know that's not a really long time, but also not immediate) I think you are absolutely right about that. maybe he is feeling too much pressure. That's good that only your sister knows. I wish he didn't tell soo many people, because it's just making it worse now.

MamaBear- He is definately worried about finances & you're right it's also other things that have come up now since we first decided to start TTC. He told me that he wants to be selfish in the fact that he just wants to spend more time with me first and be able to go away and do fun things with his friends. All of these things I do understand and If we're not on the same page he might resent me. But because now we don't have a timeline for anything I do feel lost and now feel like it's all just completely up to him.
We are going to move when our lease is up into a more affordable place so money won't be so tight each month. I am also thinking about picking up a little side job in order to save some extra money.

Thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences with me. I really appreciate it.
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby Mai Girl » Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:00 pm

I'm so sorry that this is your experience! I feel like my DH is kinda back and forth with everything too. One day, he seems like totally on board and excited and then the next he's like, I want us to have more time, blah blah blah. But I do think that it's very very abstract for men, up until a baby is like fun and interactive, even. I don't think they get the biological reasons we want them either. I would never presume to tell you what you should do, but I don't think I'd go back on the Pill if I were you. It can take a little bit to regulate again after, and why mess that up? If he doesn't want to get you pregnant he can use condoms, or even pull out until he's ready. Then if you can track cycles or whatever, you'll know exactly what you need to do to hopefully get a BFP quickly. Wishing you all the best!!
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby Mai Girl » Sat Sep 06, 2014 4:01 pm

I just noticed how far back this was, sorry! I hope it has all worked out for you! :)
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby french_mani » Tue Sep 09, 2014 6:18 am

no it's totally fine! thanks for answering, it's always nice to read what someone has to say. After a few months of NTNP and I didn't go back on BCPs, I finally said something to my DH the other day after a few months of me not talking about really trying.
I had just spent the entire day with his family without him around (it was a bridal shower) and I came home and said 2 things "I want to go camping with your parents and I want a baby." He said me too. I said about which part and he said baby.
So all that stressing and freaking out I put myself through, I knew he would change his mind again. I also think we are in a really good place in our relationship right now, so it just feels right for the both of us and maybe this time around we will get a BFP.
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby Mai Girl » Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:11 pm

That's awesome to hear! SO glad that he changed his mind and that you were so patient in waiting for him to. Sending lots of baby dust your way! :)
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby Emme1982 » Fri Sep 12, 2014 2:57 pm

Your story reminds me so much of my thoughts and my DH thoughts on this. But I thought of this in a historical kind of perspective: there never is an absolutely right time to bring another human being into the world. So many people did it before us at worse conditions (faaar worse). IMHO the perfect moment is only when you are in a solid loving relationship and you want to have a baby. Everything else kind of seems to work out all by itself...Best of luck with TTC!
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Re: husband changed mind about TTC #1

Postby french_mani » Sat Sep 13, 2014 5:57 pm

Emme- I cannot agree with you more!!!!! Thank you both for the words of encouragement.
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