Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

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Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

Postby chorse37 » Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:44 am

Does anyone have advice for this?

My DH has a pretty low libido to start with - which matches mine normally so that's great. But, when TTC, timing and frequency is of the essence! I know it isn't stemming from reluctance to have a baby because he's the one that opened the conversation and convinced me the time is now. The problem is that it's never going to happen if we don't BD! Last cycle, he wanted to know the status of OPKs and BBT, and the pressure got to be too much. On the most important days, a swing and a miss. It was frustrating and disappointing for both of us, and not something I'm excited to repeat. This cycle, he wants me to keep the charting to myself and let it happen "naturally." But, when I try to initiate BDing, he's too tired or not in the mood. I have been trying to initiate at least every third day so that we can make sure to BD in the fertile window without me announcing that that's the important one and putting too much pressure on him, but the constant effort and rejection is taking a toll on me emotionally. This should be a happy, wonderful thing but I'm feeling frustrated and lonely in our relationship. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Me/DH: 29/30, together since 2006, TTC #2
Irregular dRVVT clotting results, irregular HSG results, no diagnoses
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Rainbow arrived 10/24/16 at 37 weeks, small but perfect!
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Re: Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

Postby KariC » Tue Jun 23, 2015 1:21 am

I'm just now seeing this so idk if you'll be checking back because I know you posted it a little while ago, but I understand exactly what you mean.

My DH is totally medically healthy and usually has no problem getting started, but if he starts feeling pressured as we're going along he can lose it and it's not easy to get it back.

There's definitely been a couple times while trying to TTC that we haven't been able to BD because of that. It feels so awful when that happens - being physically if not emotionally rejected is really heartbreaking.

Is there anything that does reliably get him in the mood? For example sometimes DH will leave the room to take the pressure off and go watch some porn and then come back hard - whatever works is ok with me.

I'm not sure the best way to help, just know you're not alone.
Age: 27
Husband: 28
TTC #1 Since: April 2015
Angel baby lost at 8 weeks: August 2015
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Re: Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

Postby chorse37 » Tue Jun 23, 2015 6:19 am

Thanks for the encouragement KariC! Based on my chart it looks like we got a BD in the fertile window this cycle so fingers crossed.

The best chance of success I've had has been starting with a massage (he's an athlete so that's always welcome) and trying not to get my hopes up for more. If it works, he'll make the first move and we'll go from there. He's tried porn but thinks it's more silly than sexy - maybe a consequence of the low libido or just personal taste?

Even though we've only been TTC for a short time, it's been an emotional rollercoaster. My heart goes out to the people that have been trying for much longer. It really makes a difference to know that there are other people going through the exact same struggles.
Me/DH: 29/30, together since 2006, TTC #2
Irregular dRVVT clotting results, irregular HSG results, no diagnoses
:angel: :angel: :angel:
Rainbow arrived 10/24/16 at 37 weeks, small but perfect!
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My Ovulation Chart
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Re: Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

Postby wakasa_78 » Tue Jun 23, 2015 6:57 am

Hi chorse37!

I sort of know what you are going through, since my DH also has low libido, too, while I have a lot higher libido than my DH. We've worked out our problem by talking about it. I believe the key here is communication. Well, at least with us it was. :)

Do you think you could talk to him about how it makes you feel when he turns you down when you initiate BD, and how you feel it makes TTC that much harder? Try not to be confrontational, but be calm and logical in your approach. If you're up to it, ask him in what ways he finds you sexy and tell him why you think he's sexy, and that may start the ball rolling in your direction.

If you feel like you don't know how to talk to him, you could think of ways of initiating BD without being too forward (if his "problem" stems from getting pressured by you, in a sense), what you could do to spice things up for yourself and him.

Whatever you do, do what feels right for you. Do not put more stress on yourself when the whole situation can be very stressful on its own.

I hope you don't mind me giving advice (it feels kind of weird since we're total strangers).

Good luck, and babydust!
DH is 38, has no known fertility issues
I am 38, have PCO, dermoid cysts, very little ovarian matter left
IUD removed in April, 2015 - TTC#1 since May, 2015
:bfp: on September 3, 2015 @ 13 DPO, EDD May 13, 2016
Baby BOY born on May 14, 2016
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Re: Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

Postby hero7 » Fri Jun 26, 2015 2:09 pm

Have you considered trying the SMEP - Sperm Meets Egg Plan? You can google it for more info but it's basically a schedule starting with BD every other day from CD8 until you get your +OPK, then 3 days in a row, skip a day, then BD again.

I wonder if your DH would be ok with that type of schedule? I explained it to my DH and he was on board with it. I didn't tell him it was called SMEP...I just said, "I read online that this type schedule seems to work for a lot of people, so for us that would be next week, Mon, Wed...etc' And then he knows ahead of time what days and so can anticipate it.

I don't know if that would work better for him or not! I know once I kinda sprung the need for BD on DH and he got kinda squirrely so I realized the "on demand" approach wasn't necessarily the best for us!

I agree with all the other suggestions about just being open and communicating - definitely try to talk about it when you're NOT IN THE BEDROOM! ;-)
Me: 38
Hubby: 42

Married 11/2/2014
TTC #1


March 2015 - confirmed early MC/CP
May & June 2015 - Clomid 50mg - BFN
July 2015 - Testing done: AMH 0.72, FSH 10, DH SA #s are great, but lowish morphology
Aug 2015 - Follistim w/ timed - BFN
Oct 2015 - Follistim w/ IUI - BFN
Dec 2015 - New RE!! Updated labs - AMH is now 1.3! Started IVF meds 12/31, retrieval mid-Jan
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Re: Overcoming Performance Anxiety with DH

Postby wakasa_78 » Fri Jun 26, 2015 10:08 pm

Oh, yeah! Of course not in the bedroom!

Good point, hero7! ;)
DH is 38, has no known fertility issues
I am 38, have PCO, dermoid cysts, very little ovarian matter left
IUD removed in April, 2015 - TTC#1 since May, 2015
:bfp: on September 3, 2015 @ 13 DPO, EDD May 13, 2016
Baby BOY born on May 14, 2016
wakasa_78
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Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2015 5:31 am


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