Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Thu Jul 27, 2017 4:02 pm

Went to doctor and had blood work done. Should know in the morning. The discharge is increasing and starting to get more red than brown. I'm cramping some. I don't feel like there's much hope at this point.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:27 pm

Just started gushing dark red blood and lots of blood clots. Cramping bad.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Thu Jul 27, 2017 7:58 pm

Oh no Krippy, I'm so sorry! I know that heartache all too well. I have done a lot of research on early losses, so if you have any questions about what to expect through the process or the following cycles, ask away. I know it's not much comfort right now, but the reason for most early miscarriages is that the embryo was not viable on a chromosomal level. Your chances of having another mc after one loss do not go up. Like I said, not helpful in this moment, but it's important info to have so you aren't crippled by far when you get that next bfp. And you will get another one. Sending big hugs your way tonight. <3
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Fri Jul 28, 2017 7:39 am

How are you doing this morning, hun? Thinking of you. <3
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:22 am

I'm very emotional. Cry everytime I think about it. I had such sad dreams about it last night. I really wanted a baby so badly.

I'm not cramping anymore. Only bleeding just a little. The cramping went away for the most part after I passed several gushes of blood. There were blood clots and a lot of fleshy tissue that came out with the blood.

Physically, I'm okay, but emotionally, I'm a mess. Don't think I'm going to go to work today.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Fri Jul 28, 2017 12:51 pm

I have been there, and yes, take some time off if you are able. Those first few days are the hardest. After the first week I was able to not think about it constantly, and by the time O rolled around again I actually felt like trying. But mixed in there were, and still are, moments where it all comes rushing back. Even those moments are more manageable now. Earlier on, they would make me want to collapse where I stood, especially after the second loss.

This is one of those things you kind of just assume happens to other people, not you. And then it happens and you don't know how to deal with it. And then it becomes part of you. I think there will always be that deep sadness for the little tears you won't get to wipe away and little toes you won't get to kiss. (I'm not sure if you're religious, but I am and I have more thoughts on what happens to babies we don't get to bring home in this life if you want them.)

Like I said before, the most common cause of mc is chromosomal in nature. Your body most likely recognized that this baby would not form correctly and gently let it go. But even in that sad event is hope. Through its brief stay, that baby let you know that you can get pregnant. You cannot replace the one you lost, but there is the possibility of a healthy baby in your future and that is wonderful knowledge to have.

Your next cycle might be kind of weird, but it's completely safe to resume trying whenever you feel ready. If you need some help sorting out what to expect there, let me know.

I know right now you probably don't even want to think about this next cycle, because there shouldn't even be one. I've felt that, too, and it's ok to focus on the here and now and cross that bridge when you come to it. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Talk about it. Cry (I found the shower to be the best place for this). Talk to your baby if it helps (I believe they are never far off). Talk to God. Talk to your husband. Men can't always understand the depth of the loss the same way we do, but it's important to let him know that yes, you are still hurting. He might be hurting, too. Or he might seem to accept it pretty quickly, leaving you wondering if you should be "over it" by now. The answer to that is no, by the way. You don't ever have to be "over it."

For now, just try to take care of yourself. This sucks, I know, but I promise it gets better and there is happiness ahead. :hb:
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Fri Jul 28, 2017 5:43 pm

I'm just so deeply sad. I cried all day. It's hard. I had been so excited those first few days. Already making plans and dreaming about getting to hold my baby. I prayed so hard everyday that everything was okay and I'd have a healthy baby.

I'm still bleeding brown blood with bits of tissue. Sometimes there's just a little, sometimes a good bit. I've started hurting a little again. An ache in my pelvic area that kind of wraps around to my back and feels like pressure.

Talked to a nurse a couple times today. She said my HCG was low yesterday, indicating a very early pregnancy. I told her that I had cramped and passed blood with clots and tissue last night. They want me to come in Monday morning and have more blood work and they'll confirm whether it was a miscarriage. Which I already know it was. I knew as soon as I passed all the blood and strange looking fleshy tissue.

Will they do any kind of physical exam to see if there's something wrong with any of my female parts? When will I get a period again? How does that work?

Thank you so much for all your kind words, Beecee. I appreciate so much that you've been here for me through all this. My husband doesn't really understand how Im feeling. He said we can always try to have another... But I wanted this one.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Fri Jul 28, 2017 6:43 pm

Ah! I just wrote out a big long response to you and my phone died right before I could post it. :( I have to run grab dinner for the family, but I'll be back to rewrite it!
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:40 pm

Ok, I only have a minute as my in laws are set to arrive in about an hour and I'm not done cleaning. I'll try to remember everything I wrote in that other post and condense it for easier reading.

First of all, that last sentence made me cry. My husband said something similar with my first mc and it really hurt at the time. They just don't experience it the same way we do. They can't. I still get hit with waves of sadness that I made the end goal- I had what I wanted so badly and I lost it. It's not fair. Those babies can never be replaced and I think that sadness will always be with me. Of course that doesn't mean that I can't be happy, but it still hurts that they're gone.

As for what to expect from here, you are a bit lucky that it was a very early loss. The chance of needing any kind of intervention is minimal, especially since your HCG was already low and you saw tissues pass. With later losses, there's a higher chance of retained tissue needing to be removed through a d&c.

At your appointment they will likely give you an ultrasound to verify that you miscarried and that all tissue has passed. They may monitor your HCG until it falls below 5, but if there's no tissue seen on the ultrasound they may just verify it's falling with that second draw and call it good.

You unfortunately will not get many answers. The standard answer after one loss (and it's true) is that most miscarriages are the result of a chromosomal abnormality and your chance of having another mc does not increase because you had one. Even with my two, my OBGYN is pretty confident it was just a coincidence (I beg to differ, but I'm going to need to see a specialist to look into those things.)

They won't do any testing of any sort with the first loss. I was a bit taken aback that my doc didn't even have be come see him with my losses. It feels so wrong to lose a pregnancy and that ache for some kind of answer is strong, but they really can't give you any. Even after my second loss, I saved the tissues thinking they could do testing on the embryo and there doctor said he'd let me send it in if I wanted, but that it doesn't usually provide many answers and insurance often doesn't cover it well so you're left with a huge bill.

Anyway, chances are you will get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy. The statistics are in your favor!

As for this next cycle, it may be a bit weird. You may be done bleeding soon, you may bleed longer than your normal AF, and heavier, or you may stop bleeding and then have more bleeding in a week or two.

It's not uncommon for ovulation to occur rather quickly after a loss, but it's also not unusual to have it happen late or to have an anovulatory cycle. Mine went pretty normally after both losses. One thing I did notice was that both of those first post-mc cycles, I had ewcm around CD 6 or 7 and dark, but not positive, opk's from then until they finally went positive around normal time. That first random patch of ewcm only lasted a day or two, then I got more around the time I was expecting it.

Pregnancy involves a whole cocktail of hormones, so even though your HCG may fall fairly fast, it can take a cycle for things to get back to normal.

Your next AF may be quite heavy as well, and that's normal. That first AF after a mc can be pretty rough emotionally. I felt like I was losing my baby all over again. In hindsight, I think I was hoping to be pregnant to "fix" things. I know I couldn't replace that baby, but it seemed like it would hurt less if I at least had another one on the way, so having AF show up made me feel so defeated. So keep that in mind when deciding when to try again. Make sure you're ready no matter what the outcome of that next cycle might be.

I'm pretty busy this weekend with family in town staying at our house, but I'll collect in when I get a chance. Hang in there. :hb:
Last edited by BeeCee33 on Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:42 pm

I've started cramping a good bit again and bleeding fresh blood with clots.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Sat Jul 29, 2017 3:22 pm

I know it sucks, but considering the circumstances, that's good news. It means your body is doing it's job of resetting itself. Is hubby home with you today?
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Sat Jul 29, 2017 6:03 pm

Yes, husband is home with me today. I was suppose to work all weekend, but I requested to be taken off schedule for a few days. I just can't emotionally handle being around people right now. I'm having a really hard time. We left the house a little while ago and I saw a woman carrying a small baby. It hurt. I had to really fight back tears. Then someone asked me if I knew a mutual friend had just had a baby and how cute he was. Such a deep hurt.

I have cried so much last 3 days. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm still bleeding fresh blood. It mainly just comes out when I go to the bathroom. Sometimes it's a lot and sometimes just a little. It makes me even more sad seeing it, though. A constant reminder that there's no baby anymore. I'm just ready for it to stop.

I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through doctors appt on Monday without breaking down. I was already sad the other day, sitting in the waiting room with all those women and their big, pregnant bellies, and knowing that probably wasn't going to be happening for me.

It's so, so hard. I know I'm lucky I wasn't farther along than I was, but I still feel heartbroken.
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Sat Jul 29, 2017 7:01 pm

I threw away all of my positive pregnancy tests. That was a sad moment. I'm not sure why I had kept them, but I just loved seeing those positives so much.

Also, I had really gotten ahead of myself... When I got my dark blue positive that second day, and was so excited, I bought special, personalized items on Etsy to announce my pregnancy to my mom and sister. A cute little personalized onesie for my sister, and for my mom, a pacifier with little special, personalized messages attached about the upcoming baby... Baby due April 2018... I've gotten those in the mail now and wow, does it sting. I don't even want to look at it. There's so much hurt right now, that it's hard to bear.

My husband doesn't understand how sad I am. I had such a brief moment of happiness and excitement, when I got those positives. It was like a dream coming true but then it was ripped away from me so quickly. I've longed to have a baby for many years now... Even cried over it many times. I don't know... Maybe I'm being unreasonable?
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby BeeCee33 » Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:44 pm

You are not being unreasonable. Right after my first loss, I got a package full of maternity clothes I had ordered and I threw the package across the room after I brought it into the house because I was so angry and so sad. I didn't open it for a few days, and then when I did, I just bawled. I actually just threw out my positive tests from those two pregnancies (well the ones that were still floating around... I have the internet cheapie ones taped in a TTC journal for comparison cycle to cycle). There's nothing weird about hanging onto them. They are the only proof you have that you were pregnant.

I do have to say I was able to start healing after the bleeding stopped and I knew 100% that everything was over. My first loss started on a Saturday morning and it wasn't until Tuesday that I knew for sure it was gone. That was agonizing.

I think you'll feel a little better after your appointment. Gosh I know it's hard to be around other pregnant bellies. I hope the waiting room isn't too busy while you're there. Hopefully seeing your doctor can at least give you a little bit of closure. The pain will always be there, but this gut wrenching sorrow is temporary. You just have to wade through it for awhile. Don't be afraid to let your feelings out to your doctor. At my last appointment I asked my billions of questions, got very few answers, and finally just broke down. Both my doctor and my nurse gave me a big hug and promised that I would have another baby (one of my worries was that I just wouldn't have any more). Remember they see a lot of women in this situation and there is no shame in feeling what you're feeling.

Is hubby able to go with you to your appointment? Hopefully he can keep you somewhat distracted in the waiting room.

I know this is all still so fresh and overwhelming, but you can get through this, and you will come out stronger on the other side. You can get through the wait in the waiting room, you can get through your appointment, this next cycle, your next pregnancy. Sometimes we don't realize our own strength until it's tested. But this is one of those life experiences that will give you a deeper power of understanding and empathy that will shape you into the mother you will be for your children. ALL things are for our good, even the really, really hard ones. Though you are walking through the darkness of this storm, the clouds will part and you will get your rainbow. :hb:
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Re: Am I pregnant or is it an evap line?

Postby Krippycat » Sun Jul 30, 2017 1:19 pm

Thank you for all the support and understanding, BeeCee. It means so much.

My husband is going to go with me in the morning, but he has to go to work right after. I just hope I can kind of so hold it together. I've always hated crying in front of strangers. I don't think I've fully came to terms with it yet. When I first started passing all the blood and stuff Thurs night, I was briefly trying to hold out some hope that maybe I had been pregnant with twins and had only lost one, but that I'd still have one baby. I know that sounds really awful and I don't and didn't want to lose any baby, period... But I just hoped I'd still end up with a baby somehow. Finding out what my HCG was killed that hope, though.

I'm still bleeding. It's weird, though. It goes back and forth from brown sometimes, to bright/dark red. I stayed in bed for over 12 hours last night and I'm still so tired today. I was crying again within minutes of getting up. I guess it's just going to take some time.

I'm worried I'll never have a baby or that this is all that will ever happen if I get pregnant again. I know that's no way to think but I feel so discouraged.
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